Love
Candy
Dear Kathy
First of all please forgive me for not writing sooner. I’ve been so involved with my own identity, which has been so vague, and social commitments, basic living procedures and affairs of the heart that for a while I ceased to exist. Except for other people.
Don’t expect to see me for the holidays. I will not cease to be myself for foolish people, no matter how dear, for foolish people to make harsh judgements on me that may hurt others that I love. As dear as certain members of the family are to me I owe them nothing but what I feel for them. If what I feel for them is going to hurt me then let it hurt me. Only the rejection will hurt. But it can never hurt me as much as I can hurt myself by not being myself. There is one thing I must tell you because I just found it to be a truth. I’m sure it must have come to you. You must always be yourself no matter what the price. It is the highest form of morality. We should both try to live it. You’ve got to always keep your heart and mind open. You can disguise your emotions you can even numb them and finally you can paralyze them. And that is tragic. Our emotions are the only clues to our identity. The only true meaning in life is passion. The passion to learn, to paint, to love etc. Don’t dare destroy your passion for the sake of others. When you do you’ve lost the beauty of life and that’s what a sin is. By robbing yourself of your very reason to exist you have cheated. You must laugh when you must laugh, you must weep when you must weep, and you must love when you must love. I’m telling you this because we are in the same bag and also because I love you dearly. We are so close that you are actually a part of me and that part can never be taken away. You are always inside me, in my memory and in my heart. We should do a lot of exploring together. I’d like you to come to N.Y. to live with me. By January I should have enough money. It’s time to live our own lives and I hope we can enjoy a long, but not too long, relationship where we could share our room and board and ourselves. Hopingly presuming that we will both find lovers that will want us and need us to stay with them. As long as we have to grow up, (and we really should you know), lets do it together.
Love Always
Candy Darling
c/o Seymour Levy
173 Bleeker St.
N.Y.C.
(hearts and flowers)
Dear Pat,
Hi. Nobody loves me or wants me. I lead a dull uninteresting existance. At least you have your mother to turn to. I have Kathy but she isn’t near my locale. I am in homeroom now. There’s a bunch of chicks in here and they all hate me. Someday I’ll be a movie star……that’s it ! ! And I’ll be rich and famous and have all the friends I want. Can’t you just picture some “dramatic chick” saying this.
You’re just a
star-struck
starry-eyed kid
Stella
So how’s tricks. I’m the “Earthy” type huh? Hell ! ! ! ! All I do in homeroom is sit here and watch these
Dear Gary
How is my little? Thank you for your card. I wanted to write to you and Wade but I didn’t have your address. I see you are c/o someone else now so I gather you two are no longer chummy. If so its too bad—he’s very nice.
I got back from Europe about three weeks ago. I was in Austria Germany & Sweden. I was in a picture in Germany with Christina Kaufman, Tony Curtis’ ex-wife. I spent Christmas in Sweden (Stockholm).
After I left Washington I became very busy doing interviews in New York. Terri Maki came to see me
Hi Tommy.
Surprised to hear from me? I never thought I’d be writing to you. I’ve been up all night alone wondering about my identity. I’m living on East 6th St. now with a straight couple and a couple of drag queens. One of the queens triggered me off trying to look for an explanation for living in this strange stylized sexuality. She asked me when she got in drag what I felt she looked like. Male or female. I tried to tell her there is no feeling about it. Realization cuts feeling off. I tried to explain my identity as being a male who has assumed the attitudes and somewhat the emotions of a female. I’ve been slowly strangling my ego. With the ego and fear I haven’t many people to classify myself. The role is rather drab and without glamour and mystery. I don’t know which role to play. I would like to live with someone whom I could—
What promised to be a long and rewarding career fizzles out into disillusionment
Once popular off-off Broadway and underground
Star Seeks work
Contact Candy Darling
The Once Popular Underground Goddess.
the ex-denizen of glamour.
It Hurts to BE A HAS BEEN
a fallen Star
Aida
up your keester drek
ask the good father what that means.
Dear Miss DeCarlo
This is just a note to tell you that you are so lovely and warm. I love you. I am an Andy Warhol star who has been in Flesh.
Candy Darling
TROPICAL TURKEY SALAD
2, 5 oz. cans of boned turkey, chopu p. 1 16 oz. can sliced pineapple use 6 rings on serving platter place remaining 5 and chop into salad add ¾ cup mayonnaise, add ½ cup unsalted peanuts. now ½ cup chopped celery, add few drops tabasco sauce chill 1 T wastershire sauce & 1 T lemon juice cucumber on top and spread each …
I don’t like to go out with people who do not feel they are my social equals. People that are too nice to me. Tonight I went out with Jeremiah and his friend whatsisname. Jerry met me at Lincoln Center and we had a drink (Irish Coffee) ata bar. Then we went back to Lincoln Center (the fountain) and met whatsisname. Then we walked over to take the bus on Broadway and who did go riding by on his bycicle bicycle bycicle bycicle bicycle bicycle but Bradford Riley. We were programmed to meet I know it. I knew I would meet him today. Because I am wearing the black skirt and printed blouse. It is the 3rd time he has seen it. The last time was at the premiere of “Barbarella.” The time before was the play Arresties.
To think I once loved him. I am sitting next to a primitive and there is one sitting across from me. I hate riding with scum and thats just what they are hard faces and they both have their feet up. Naturally they are scrutinizing me with their hard eyes and talking childish voices. Do I still love Brad? I don’t think so but I do like him as much as I can like any man who is that attractive to me. If he were mine I’m sure I would wear him as proudly as a diamond brooch. I told him to call me.
What do you mean I’m not alluring enough maybe my name isn’t Tondelaya but I’ve brushed off more men than the porter at the Waldorf.
There are people that wanna be that can’t be so they put something on so they can be.
date:
Saturday July 18, 1970
condition of hair:
very dirty, tangled, not smooth, heavy regrowth in back of head, light regrowth in front.
material:
ultra blue starting at back right to back left to left side, to right side. Left on 1 hr.—result lemon color roots few black spots. Born Blonde beautiful beige. 30 min.
CANDY DARLING IS
the most beautiful girl in
the world.
Ondine
Ondine
Lois Smith
LOUISE HEUBNER
2 cups certified raw milk
2 fertile eggs
2 T protein & banana
in blender—
freeze
I have a great deal of mental energy that’s projected to an audience
if you want to pay me 50 you should’ve told me.
it’s amazing the $50 is very least you can do
I’m being a lady and look what happens—all my clothes are gone.
Faith for Today
Box8
N.Y. N.Y. 10008
Everyone needs some portion of Leadership. Look for opertunities to be of servise Set definite goals plan purpose and strive to be the best thing you can be
weigh the consequences
Consiencious leadership spreads
divine light and love.
Be patient wait for the right time. temptaton to quit and take it easy.
inspiration
ask holy spirit to breath into you
Do what you can because there are many things that need doing.
Mission from God
The Christophers
… liberalized the Housing Authority in N.Y. at one time if you were suspected of belonging to a gang you were denied the low rent housing. If you were connected with drugs you were denied low rent housing. If your children were born out of wedlock you were denied—
Taken out of neighborhood that you liked and they put you whose knows where—
We decided in 1965 we did not like the methods.
Constructive alternative
each apt. air conditioned
” ”terraced
$21 per room
5
—
105
21
2
—
42
Candy Darling
in
“Revolting Women”
Keep that thought inside you don’t wast it.
All we think here is how to live.—fanatic
Hi Dear,
How are you? I have a new secretary—his name is George. He’s only 18 years old but very wise. My hair is butter blonde and I have a Carroll Baker look. I love Carroll Baker don’t you? Doesn’t everybody? Who doesn’t?
I sure wish we all could get together this summer. Remember that loveable cottage on Lake Winnepesaukee? I still remember the people’s name—Horn. It would be just so wonderful if we all could rent it for a week you and Bob, George and I. What do you think? It’s so private and such a beautiful lake. Don’t worry about George he does what I tell him! Just like Joan Crawford in Queen Bee. In Mildred Pierce in Harriet Craig. George and I love Joan Crawford. We saw her in a film called Beserk! It was supposed to be a horror film but it was really a laugh riot. Joan owned a circus this time and all these performers were getting killed in gruesome ways. Diana Dors was in it and she was sawed in half. You remember Diana Dors don’t you? England’s answer to Jayne Mansfield? Oh you remember a real cheap looking tomatoe with a tremendous bust, platinumized hair, big lips a hard trashy face. She got hers the day after she was discovered in Joan’s boyfriend’s trailor portrayed by some young stud type. Oh it’s a real must see.
If our drinking water was being poisened we wouldn’t take it lightly but when our minds and the minds of our youth are being poisened
If you’ll set that to music I’m sure you’ll have a hit for your singing group.
Claire Trevor
A & P
phoney baloney
Relax you’ll tear my dress
So what I paid for it
Why does everyone dislike you so much? Because they’re all a bunch of phoneys. Even if they are all a bunch of the phoniest bastards in the world why do they all not like you? Weather they are or not to strike fear in people is not a good thing to do and you will one day be sorry you ever did this. To argue a point with you is useless you never give in and I know you feel this your forte. Remember you may win the point argument and get the better of someone but you lose a friend and create a feeling of bitter resentment.
If your so god damned smart did you know that your good friend that blonde German made 13 television shows over in Germany and I’m in practically every one of them. And Flesh is the biggest movie going over there and they (the Germans) asked for the stars to come over and Paul took Joe, Geraldine, and Jane Forth on a tour with “Flesh.” Jane didn’t have to go. Why should Jane go. Paul doesn’t even like her he calls her that dumb thing, misery and Baby Biafra. but she’s so co-operative and does whatever they tell her. Why didn’t you get in touch with Bert? Now they’re going to promote Holly. Can you believe that? They’re sending Holly to all the photographers. She went to this big party with George Plimpton and Tammy Grimes. She’s in the Times and I’m just the forgotten woman. George asked why I wasn’t being taken to Europe and Paul said “too much trouble, too too much trouble.”Sandy’ll be up here and she’ll want to go and then they’ll be another fight. She has bad vibrations. Don’t ever think you’re going to work for Tom Ward Agency because you never will. That’s when you started treating me like a piece of shit. You thought you were going to have a big important job.
Surrounded by hates riots burning buildings
you take a look
around this city and everything is either
vulgar dirty disgusting
rotten or falling apart.
Life is only what you make it.
Sing-a-long and show that you can take it.
Get in the swing and sing darn ya sing.
My Face for the World to See
CANDY SAYS
CANDY SAYS
I’ve come to hate my body
and all that it requires in this world
Candy says
I’d like to know completely
what others so discreetly talk about
I’m gonna watch the bluebirds fly
over my shoulder
I’m gonna watch them pass me by
maybe when I’m older
What do you think I’d see
if I could walk away from me?
Candy says
I hate quiet places
that cause the smallest taste of what will be
Candy says
I hate big decisions
that causes endless revisions in my mind
I’m gonna watch the bluebirds fly
over my shoulder
I’m gonna watch them pass me by
maybe when I’m older
What do you think I’d see
if I could walk away from me?
—Lou Reed, 1969
Foreword
CANDY DARLING WAS BORN ahead of her time, which was both her tragedy and the source of what is most unique, heroic and touching about her. To be a drag queen in the ’90s is a career, but in the ’60s it was a desperate calling, pursued only by those willing to risk a pariah existence. As Candy says in these diaries, “I am a star because I have always felt so alienated and I project this feeling to others.”
When writing I Shot Andy Warhol, my co-writer Daniel Minahan and I somewhat exaggerated the extent of Candy’s friendship with Valerie Solanas, the revolutionary feminist who was Warhol’s would-be assassin. She and Valerie were friends, but not as close as the film suggests. When writing the script we found ourselves adding more and more Candy, because we found the symbolic contrast between the two irresistible: the boy who dressed like a girl and girl who dressed like a boy. Both were social outlaws, rejected and dispossessed, but where Valerie was an outlaw because she rejected traditional femininity, Candy yearned for it. She wanted nothing more than to be a ’50s housewife (or a debutante or a waitress or a showgirl), and became an outlaw because she refused to live as a prisoner of his/her biology.
With her humor and vulnerability, Candy could be described as the Marilyn Monroe of drag queens (anyone who has had the chance to see Candy in Warhol’s Women In Revolt knows that she was a superb light comedienne) but her persona was a synthesis of all movie blondes. Andy Warhol once described drag queens as “ambulatory archives of movie star womanhood.” Candy studied the movies like a doctoral candidate, and crystallised all her favorite elements of traditional femme culture into a dream life of what it is to be a woman. These diaries, with their mixture of heartfelt prayers, soul searching, sharp social analysis, recipes and makeup hints, display all the classic “female” qualities: gentleness, sweetness, bitchiness, malice, passivity, vulnerability, masochism. (And a hilarious section on Women’s Liberation, which she bitterly opposed.) There is also a sensitive intelligence at work, and a brutal honesty: “I don’t mind that little smile around a person’s face when they talk about me.” As the greatest of all drag queen icons, Candy is beyond camp: you can always hear the heart beating beneath the art
ifice.
Mary Harron
Introduction
This book is dedicated to Lorraine Newman
Brooks, who taught Candy about the beauty of
being an individual, Samuel Adams Green, who
helped Candy to survive in NYC, and to Sean
Duncan Cripps … I remember.
THIS IS THE VOICE of Candy Darling speaking, alive once again through her words, over twenty years since her death on March 21, 1974. As her friend, Candy often confided in me that her writings were an integral part of her creative process, so during the course of the day, she committed her thoughts to inexpensive soft-covered notebooks, the type used by school children, writing about such things as recipes (she was an awful, but nevertheless, hopeful cook), drafts of letters or ones she had completed but decided for one reason or another not to send, makeup tips, addresses and telephone numbers of the famous and unknown, lists of her favorite performers such as Joan Bennett, Kim Novak, Yvonne DeCarlo, and, of course, Lana Turner.
Then there are pages of speculation, words meant to be used as a rebuke or compliment, dialogue to be stored away for future use, perhaps for a play she was writing. She collected lists of one-liners and clever quips that she could trade with her friends Jackie Curtis or Holly Woodlawn. Candy’s journal recorded her thoughts of the moment on that given day.
Candy liked to think of herself as an artist and would draw page after page of designs of dresses, eye makeup, and funny faces. She also liked doing cartoons and would send drawings to her cousin Kathy Michaud or her Uncle Donald, who in return sent illustrated letters back. Drawings were done throughout her writings as a counterpoint to her mood at the time and to illustrate an important or salient fact.
She was born a he: James Lawrence Slattery, on November 24, 1944, to Theresa Phelan, who worked as a bookkeeper at Manhattan’s glamorous Jockey Club, and Jim Slattery, an often violent alcoholic who squandered family finances at the racetrack. His very name inspired fear and hatred throughout Candy’s short life.
There was a slightly older half-brother, Warren, by his mother’s first marriage who would later, as an adult, deny Candy’s existence to his own children; a grandfather once billed in vaudeville as “the strongest man in Boston,” and Candy’s Uncle Donald, who sent “campy” cards encouraging his nephew’s sense of comic timing.
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