inspiration
ask holy spirit to breathe into you
Do what you can because there are many things that need doing.
Maybe by the time my nails are a decent ladylike length I will be rehearsing for a play, maybe the one Jeremiah and Burt are writing for me (if it’s any good). I like the title, “Camille’s Cough.” Do not know what is happening for Thanksgiving. It snowed, so Warren and Mary Ann did not come down. I am going to call Senator Halpern tomorrow for my mother. I told my mother I want Diana (Burt’s sister) to come and live with us if I get a show. She can be my maid and companion. Please God if you hear me, grant this wish, Jerry Bradley wants to help me with a nightclub act. Luciano says I can open in the back room of his bar. Jeremiah said Eileen thought I was so beautiful.
It is now November 24 about 4:00 a.m. Today is my birthday and I am happy. Ron Link called me and told me that Jackie did not show up at Ron Delsener’s office. I want to do “Glamour Glory & Gold” more than anything. I will have to wait around Max’s some night until Jackie comes in and bargain with it. My nails were completely bitten to the quick last night and I have promised myself that I will never pick or bite my nails again and from now on I will apply RRP nail conditioner every night. Tomorrow I will have to wax my arms. Jeremiah is such a dear, he called and wants to have a party for me. I hope we are friends forever.
I am not a genuine woman but I am not interested in genuineness. I’m interested in the product of being a woman and how qualified I am. The product of the system is what is important. If the product fails, then the system is not good. What can I do to help me live in this life? I shouldn’t be disturbed all the time. The main thing is will. I benefit by it.
Saturday June 3, 1972 8 p.m.
Steven is here. Last night I went to the Everything is Everything ball. It was fabulous. I met a lesbian who was tall, strong, and beautiful. There was a model there who was so beautiful she made me look like a frog. It’s all so unreal. I met a man there English Taylor introduced me to worth 20 million, but Taylor exaggerates. He said I was so beautiful it was staggering. He finally left and I was left with the lesbian. She was marvelous, she looked like a young boy. I became very depressed I couldn’t get the guy I wanted. I am filled with frustration and anxiety. Last night I prayed I would die and pictured myself in a coffin having the lid slammed down shut, thrown in a grave and dirt thrown on top and a steam roller going over my grave. I feel that hopeless and forsaken. I’d do anything for the right lover but I guess I don’t do the right things. I received some pictures in the mail today from A.I.P. I looked just awful. I do want to get my nose done and electrolysis. I have to go to Gertz to buy the perma-tweez. I’ll try it, I hope it works. I don’t think I want to be a woman anymore, I can’t be. I’m too strong. I think when I come back from France I’ll go to another city like San Francisco or something and live as something else, but a creme puff I’m not. There is a strong side to me. I want to be like Terry. No more mistakes though, and no more laziness. I’ve got things to do and I won’t rest until they’re done. I don’t have to act like a woman or a man, just be myself. Maybe I’ll go through primal therapy.
My father just called. I told him of my plans to go to Paris. He said, “Don’t be too easy.” I think he’s right. In closing he said, “Good luck Jim.” From now on maybe it would be best to live as a robot for other people and not look for self gratification and self glorification. I do have feelings for other people and it should make me happy to make others happy, but I’m very sure that there is no love or personal happiness for me in this world, this is an incarnation where I must work it out to make up for the past and provide for the future. Today was caused by the past and the future depends on today.
I just saw a picture with Aldo Ray when he was young. What a hunk of man, I’d love to have a man like that—tonight! I feel like getting dressed up and going out looking for a man. I mean I’m desperate.
I’m in hot water if she ever finds this letter. I am going to pray so not to see this person anymore. Last night she wore striped bell bottom pants with white go-go boots that had bells on them. These boots are so designed that they are suitable only for a short dress. They’re the kind that are cut out in the front and have a bow. Also a silver leather coat with a belt from the early ’50s. Are you getting the picture? Isn’t this beauty? A green tiny head band scarf with white polka dots. A leather beatnik pocketbook. She looks like a walking junk shop.
I don’t like to go out with people who do not feel they are my social equals. People that are too nice to me. Tonight I went out with Jeremiah and his friend whatsisname. Jerry met me at Lincoln Center and we had a drink (Irish coffee) at a bar. Then we went back to Lincoln Center (the fountain) and met whatsisname. Then we walked over to take the bus on Broadway and who did go riding by on a bicycle but Bradford Riley. We were programmed to meet, I know it. I knew I would meet him today. Because I am wearing the black skirt and printed blouse. It is the 3rd time he has seen it. The last time was at the premiere of Barbara. The time before was the play Arresties.
To think I once loved him. I am sitting next to a primitive and there is one sitting across from me. I hate riding with scum and that’s just what they are: hard faces and they both have their feet up. Naturally they are scrutinizing me with their hard eyes and talking childish voices. Do I still love Brad? I don’t think so, but I do like him as much as I can like any man who is that attractive to me. If he were mine I’m sure I would wear him as proudly as a diamond brooch. I told him to call me.
It is 10 P.M. I am waiting for a phone call from a taxi cab driver I met last night. He was young and very beautiful. I hope he doesn’t call. He knew who I was, having seen me on television. He drove us uptown to 42nd street where I dropped Andy Milligan off. Then he took me uptown to 77th between Madison and 5th Ave. where I went to visit Jim and Leonard. I told him (David Spalding) I lived there and gave him the telephone number. I also told him I would be on L.I. and gave him the telephone number here. I told him to call at 10 or 10:30.
As a girl you’re entitled to certain hopes, certain needs. You have a right to expect that there will be a special place for you. These feelings are luxuries to me.
Hi Dear,
How are you? I have a new secretary—his name is George. He’s only 18 years old but very wise. My hair is butter blonde and I have a Carroll Baker look. I love Carroll Baker, don’t you? Doesn’t everybody? Who doesn’t?
I sure wish we all could get together this summer. Remember that loveable cottage on Lake Winnepesaukee? I still remember the people’s name—Horn. It would be just so wonderful if we all could rent it for a week, you and Bob, George and I. What do you think? It’s so private and such a beautiful lake. Don’t worry about George, he does what I tell him! Just like Joan Crawford in Queen Bee. In Mildred Pierce, in Harriet Craig, George and I love Joan Crawford. We saw her in a film called Berserk! It was supposed to be a horror film but it was really a laugh riot. Joan owned a circus this time and all these performers were getting killed in gruesome ways. Diana Dors was in it and she was sawed in half. You remember Diana Dors, don’t you? England’s answer to Jayne Mansfield? Oh, you remember, a real cheap looking tomato with a tremendous bust, platinumized hair, big lips, a hard trashy face. She got hers the day after she was discovered in Joan’s boyfriend’s trailer, portrayed by some young stud type. Oh, it’s a real must-see.
This, I hope, will amuse George.
I’ll never forget the night Sandy, George, and I came home from the Sanctuary. When I asked her if I could stay over with George, she said she didn’t know where we would all sleep as Gil Gerard was staying over. What can I say? I was stunned. Gil was one of the most gorgeous studs on the set. I mean real A-1 top quality grade A male flesh. I hoped to God he wasn’t sleeping the bed but on the sofa. My highest hope was that perhaps since we were coming in so late he would make an excuse to leave early and get dressed and get out. But my hopes were not realized. When we arrived at the apar
tment somewhere around 6 a.m., Sandy rang the bell cursing him and saying she hoped he hadn’t left with the key. I said a silent prayer of thanks. However there was no reason to be thankful. Gil opened the door in nothing but his undershorts displaying a marvelous set of biceps, a deep rippled chest and muscular thick legs covered with a golden brown down. What a majestic sight! What a lump in the throat I got when walking into the apartment. I discovered much to my dismay that gorgeous Gil had been sleeping in the spider’s web and would probably continue (after he plunged into Sandy for awhile) I felt. It was useless to hope for Gil and Sandy to just fall off to the land of Nod like a couple of tired children and it was useless. All I could concentrate on for the rest of the morning was the grunting and groaning and the sounds of the bed creaking. Gil left around 9 a.m. I was still too stunned to sleep, being persecuted to capacity. As Mr. Right was going out the door he saw I was not asleep and said goodbye. His face seemed to be saying to me it’s really you I love mentally it was all you. But then I am not mentally well.
STARDUSK
When you stroll into a party
and the heads neglect to turn
when you’re sipping a Bacardi
and your face begins to burn—
… that’s stardusk
When the dinner’s in your honor
but your honor doesn’t matter
When you’re making a profound statement
and guests begin to chatter—
… that’s stardusk
When the glitter on your eyelids
and your sequins start to tarnish
when pancake fails to do the trick
and the next resort is varnish—
… that’s stardusk
When the spotlight slowly dims
and you’re regretting all your sins
when memories that you hold so dear
are all thats left of your career
… that’s stardusk
To whom it may concern
By the time you read this I will be gone. Unfortunately before my death I had no desire left for life. Even with all my friends and my career on the upswing I felt too empty to go on in this unreal existence. I am just so bored by everything. You might say bored to death. It may sound ridiculous but is true. I have arranged my own funeral arrangements with a guest list and it is paid for. I would like to say goodbye to Jackie Curtis, I think you’re fabulous. Holly, Sam Green a true friend and noble person, Ron Link I’ll never forget you, Andy Warhol what can I say, Paul Morrissey, Lennie you know I loved you, Andy you too, Jeremiah don’t take it too badly just remember what a bitch I was, Geraldine I guess you saw it coming. Richard Turley & Richard Golub I know I could’ve been a star but I decided I didn’t want it. Manuel, I’m better off now. Terry I love you, Susan I am sorry, did you know I couldn’t last I always knew it. I wish I could meet you all again.
Goodbye for Now
Love Always
Candy Darling
Tinkerbell HI!
Life is only what you make it.
Sing along and show that you can take it.
Get in the swing and sing, darn ya, sing.
About the Authors
CANDY DARLING (1944–1974), born James Lawrence Slattery, was an iconic actress and performer known for her work in theater and film, including the Andy Warhol movies Flesh and Women in Revolt. The celebrated Warhol superstar also appeared in Klute and Lady Liberty alongside Jane Fonda and Sophia Loren, respectively.
Darling died of lymphoma at the age of twenty-nine. Her life is the subject of the acclaimed documentary Beautiful Darling, and she is now hailed as a trailblazer for transgender people.
JAMES RASIN is a New York–based writer and filmmaker. His feature-film directorial debut, Beautiful Darling: The Life and Times of Candy Darling, Andy Warhol Superstar, was selected by the Museum of Modern Art and the Film Society of Lincoln Center for inclusion in the 2010 New Directors/New Films program. The movie went on to screen at over thirty major festivals, winning Best Documentary at the 2010 Chicago International Film Festival and Best Film at the 2010 Montenegro Film Festival. It has been shown at theaters and museums around the world.
All rights reserved, including without limitation the right to reproduce this ebook or any portion thereof in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of the publisher.
Candy Darling
Copyright © 1992 Estate of Candy Darling
© 1992 Hanuman Books
Introduction © 1992 by Jeremiah Newton
My Face for the World to See
Copyright © 1997 Hardy Marks Publications and Jeremiah Newton
Candy Says
Words and music by Lou Reed
© 1969 (renewed 1997) OAKFIELD AVENUE MUSIC LTD. All Rights Controlled and Administered by SCREEN GEMS-EMI MUSIC INC.
All Rights Reserved. International Copyright Secured. Used by Permission.
Some material in this book originally appeared in Candy Darling, Hanuman Books, 1992.
Cover design by Mauricio Diaz
ISBN: 978-1-4804-0775-6
This edition published in 2015 by Open Road Integrated Media, Inc.
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Candy Darling Page 9