by Rachel Lee
Matthew knew the rules and didn’t have to be reminded to eat his vegetables first. With plates on the table, Vanessa helped herself to a generous serving of the salad and only half of the chicken sandwich. Hardly surprising. Maude’s portions were designed for hardworking men from the ranches. These days many carried home takeout containers. For lots of people around here, life had become more sedentary than in past times.
Matthew made conversation easily. “Do you ever dig up bones, Vannie?”
“I have a few times,” she answered.
“Was it fun?”
“It was really exciting when I found something, but most of it...” She smiled. “It’s hot, hard work most of the time, Matthew.”
“Is that why you work in the museum?”
Tim almost laughed. Good question, though.
“Truthfully,” Vanessa said, “I chose to work in the museum because I get to solve puzzles. For me that’s more fun than finding the fossils.”
Matthew swallowed some more of his hamburger before asking, “So it’s boring to dig them up?”
“Not exactly.” Vanessa paused. “It’s hard to explain. I like the work. It’s really exciting when you find something. But a lot of the time you’re just brushing away dirt, and chipping at rock gently, hoping something will be there. You have to bring a lot of patience. What I do now? I’m excited most of the time.”
“I still want to try finding some bones.”
“Then you should. And when I get home, I’m going to send you some 3-D dinosaur puzzles.”
“What are those?” His face lit with curiosity.
“You get a box full of thin wood cut in the shape of dinosaur bones, and a drawing of the dinosaur. You have to compare the puzzle pieces to a drawing of each kind of bone and then figure out where it belongs. When you get done, you’ll have a dinosaur skeleton like in a museum.”
Matthew beamed. “That sounds like fun.”
“It definitely is. We have several different kits and I’ve tried them all. Cool stuff.”
Tim thought he wouldn’t mind trying one of them himself. The builder in him, he supposed. And a different kind of problem solving for Matthew.
After helping with cleanup, his son went back to his video game, leaving Vanessa and Tim in the kitchen with after-dinner coffee.
“I love that kid,” she said unexpectedly.
“Easy to do.” He smiled. “At least I think so.”
“You wouldn’t be wrong.” Then, hoping he wasn’t about to put his foot in it, he asked, “Your mother? You made her life sound very sad. Did you get lost in the shuffle?”
She lifted the teaspoon and stirred coffee that didn’t need stirring. “She was overwhelmed. Sometimes she was working two jobs. Then with Dad’s drinking problem, and him needing to move to find another job, she was always struggling herself. Finding a new job, making enough so she could squirrel some away for the next time he got fired. I told you how it aged her.”
“I remember. But what about you?”
She shrugged one shoulder. “I got dressed, fed and sheltered. She made sure of that.”
He noticed what was missing. “Did she care for you in other ways, too? Basic necessities are good, but not enough for the soul.”
“The soul?” She repeated the words without looking up. “She took care of me the best she could.”
But not emotionally, he suspected. She wouldn’t have had much energy left over for that from the sound of it.
Then her head popped up. “Are you saying I’m emotionally crippled?”
At that point, he figured he should have kept his mouth shut. None of his business, no training to help him, and he might just have stirred up a hornet’s nest. How could he respond to that? He hadn’t exactly been suggesting that, but...but what? Getting too nosy for his own good? Then she surprised him.
“If so,” she said, “you’d be right. I’ve been thinking about it lately. I’ve never really had a truly close relationship. I wouldn’t know what to do with one. Maybe I was built this way, or maybe something inside me is frozen, but...” Again she hesitated. “I guess I always live in anticipation of having to move again. Leave everything behind. It’s the way I’ve been ever since I can remember. I can’t blame anyone for it, Tim. This is just how I am.”
He decided he needed to let her off the hook he might have put her on. “I’m sure lots of other people feel the same. It doesn’t mean something is wrong with you.”
“Maybe not. On the other hand...” She shook her head and once again studied the coffee she wasn’t drinking. “I do wonder what it would have been like to grow up in one place, with lifelong friends. Would I have been different?”
She might well have been, he thought. But that was water over the dam now. The question was only if she was happy with herself and her life the way it was. He wasn’t going to ask that question, because he didn’t have the right.
He also had no comparison. He’d been firmly planted here his entire life. He knew damn near everyone, knew who could be trusted, who couldn’t, whom he liked to spend time with and those he preferred to avoid. He knew almost every inch of his world intimately. Vanessa couldn’t say that. In fact, from the sound of it, she avoided it.
“You know,” she said after a bit, “I don’t even date. Not really. Or maybe I should rephrase that. I’ve dated a few times, but not for long. Once things start to pass light friendship, I always bail. So am I crippled? I guess so. Other than your marriage, have you had other relationships?”
“Nothing enduring,” he admitted. “I’d be the first to say that Claire’s death made me reluctant to hang myself out there for another blow.”
She nodded, her gaze meeting his at last. “That’s how I feel most of the time. I think. I’m still trying to figure it out. I just know that I feel as if I’m standing back all the time. Staying on the outside. It’s safe.”
It would have been easy to answer with a flippant whatever works for you, but he didn’t. Some instinct warned him that would be exactly the wrong thing to say, because right now something about her felt vulnerable to him. As if some of those walls had lowered just a bit. He didn’t know if that was good or bad, but it was best left alone—by him, at least.
Damn, he couldn’t remember ever feeling so uncertain in his dealings with another person.
He sat in perplexity, wondering why it even mattered to him. Nice enough lady. Too sexually attractive for his comfort. But she was leaving in a week or two for Albuquerque, and their contacts afterward would probably consist of email or phone calls discussing his progress in readying the house for sale.
Just treat her like any other customer, he warned himself. Because that’s all she was. Any of her problems aside from the house were none of his business.
* * *
Tim wasn’t the only troubled person at that table. This trip had awakened things in Vanessa, or maybe it had acted as a major revelation. Maybe she was closed off because of her childhood. She’d never really considered it before, because lots of people moved often when they were children. Much of this country had been on the move one way or another since the Second World War. Other people seemed fine, despite bouncing around.
But the definition of fine was what she was suddenly calling into question. Of course she was fine. She had a productive career that she loved. She had pursuits that she enjoyed. She just didn’t let anyone get too close, and that didn’t seem to bother most people.
Honestly, she didn’t think most people wanted to know her too well. Or anyone else, for that matter. Skimming along the surface kept things from getting messy for everyone.
But maybe that wasn’t working for her anymore. Why else was she questioning herself?
When Matthew went upstairs to get ready for bed, Tim went with him. She could hear the two of them laugh
ing, water running in the tub. Normal sounds she hadn’t heard in a very long time because she’d been an only child. Something about them made her ache.
Made her ache for things she’d told herself she never wanted and didn’t need. Look at her parents. Who’d want to get married? Look at herself. She had no idea how to be a good parent. Tim might make it look easy, but she knew perfectly well how many mistakes could be made. And marrying someone meant letting them inside places she’d been guarding ever since she could remember, places where she could be wounded.
Why had she never taken a really hard look at this before? Why had she never begun to imagine that she might be warped by the way she had grown up? Just because nobody else seemed to notice anything was wrong?
Like tonight. She’d felt Tim pull back time and again as if he feared her response. He’d edged close to very personal things but had tried to be reassuring. Or had chosen silence.
Maybe he was just being respectful. Or maybe he sensed she wasn’t quite right.
God, she needed to take a really hard look at herself and decide if she wanted to stay on her present path. Because the sound of Matthew’s laughter upstairs really made her wonder.
Chapter Seven
“Tomorrow’s a day off,” Tim announced as he returned. “Shall we go into the living room? Bring your coffee if you want.”
She left her coffee behind and went to sit on the couch with him. “Why tomorrow off?”
“Sunday. Today was long enough, and I happen to know for a fact that Matthew hasn’t even started his homework. So I’ll take him to the early church service tomorrow then bring him back to study. He always has more homework on weekends.”
She nodded, trying to remember how much homework she’d had at that age. Not much, if she remembered correctly.
“Want to come to church with us?”
Everything inside her froze. See all those people? “No. Thanks,” she added.
“I didn’t think so. Anyway, Matthew likes the kids’ service. And I don’t mind catching up with people I only get to see on weekends. Surprising how many there are. The working life,” he added on a chuckle. “I’ll bring home something for breakfast. Then... Monday. Once we get the air in that house tested, we might be able to get to work. When you said gut it, how much do you want to gut?”
Vanessa, however, was still hung up at her reaction to going to church with him. She went to church nearly every Sunday at home, so her reaction had to do with this being Conard County. Her father’s fears and hatreds riding her hard and strong.
She wished she had the courage to just go, but then couldn’t see any reason. Face the demons she’d never have to face again? It seemed like a waste of energy.
“Gutting the house?” Tim prompted gently.
“Oh. Yeah. I don’t know. I mean, I guess what I want to do is erase Bob. Paint, wallpaper. I don’t think I was talking about tearing out walls or anything.”
Still smiling, he nodded. “Got it. We can get the last of the furnishings out of there after the inspector comes. He said around ten o’clock.”
“Okay.” So much easier to talk about the house than going to church. Now wasn’t that weird?
“I hope we get good news,” Tim remarked. “The house isn’t that old. There might not be any lead at all. Although I had to remodel a house that had asbestos in the joint compound used on the drywall. Safe as long as it was coated with paint, but the family didn’t want it anyway. Removing it required hiring some skilled people who have all the protective gear. Just to be safe.”
“Are you trying to scare me?” she asked, looking at him from the corner of her eye.
He laughed. “Absolutely not. I’m expecting to be pleasantly surprised on Monday.”
“I hope you’re right.”
“I usually am.” He winked. “I’ve remodeled a lot of houses around here. Very few problems, even on the older ones. It’s been a long time since people became aware of the dangers of lead and so on. Many took care of it before I came along. And like I said, if it’s sealed under paint, no real problem.”
“But we have sagging paint,” she reminded him.
“And we’ll deal with it.”
He seemed so sure of himself. The way she did in her lab at the museum, only he was confident in so many other ways. He knew his job, of course, but he also seemed comfortable in dealing with his son.
Today as she’d watched him work with all the people who traipsed through the house, showing them things, sometimes helping them carry out heavier items, he’d been so comfortable. Meanwhile, she’d sat at the kitchen table like a slightly nervous mouse.
Man, was that who she really was? A mouse? Timid?
But maybe it was just the situation. At home she didn’t feel timid. She just didn’t link up with other people a whole lot. An introvert. Nothing wrong with that.
Or maybe there was. She’d been completely thrown out of her comfort zone by coming to a place she’d been taught to think of as bad. Only it wasn’t bad. Except for that crazy visit from Larry, everyone had been pleasant, and to judge by the people at the sale today, it seemed most had forgotten the past. Maybe she was being jarred by the difference between reality and expectation.
She spoke again. “I guess I need to reevaluate.”
“What?”
“My opinion of Conard County.”
“Maybe so. At this point Larry is the only person you met who lived down to your father’s expectations.”
She nodded. “It’s true.”
“But honestly, Vannie, I’m not sure the situation was as bad, as regards other people here, as your father thought. He got conned, too. I think most people around here were able to figure that out.”
“Maybe. But I’m not going to take a poll. So far, with the exception of Larry, everyone’s been nice.”
“And don’t forget that Ashley wants you to come talk to her class. You’ll wind up being the famous dinosaur lady around here if you do.”
“A much better way to be remembered,” she agreed, smiling almost in spite of herself. “If I’m going to do that, I should call the museum on Monday and have them express me some materials to use. Graphics and models would be a whole lot more fun for kids than me just standing there talking and drawing on a chalkboard.”
“Ah, we’ve evolved to whiteboards.”
A small laugh escaped her. “But still. I should also get them to send some puzzles for Matthew. It’s an awfully long time for him to wait for me to send them after I go home.”
“So you’re staying longer?”
Something in the way he asked it caused her breath to lock in her throat. Almost timidly, she looked at him.
“You’re beautiful,” he said, his voice just above a whisper. “So beautiful, Vannie. Do you even realize it?”
She shook her head once, stiffly, wishing she could draw a full breath.
He scooted down the couch until he sat right beside her. “I’m going to kiss you,” he murmured. “You’ve got exactly one chance to say no.”
She couldn’t have said that word if her life had depended on it. It had been a long time since anyone had kissed her, and a full lifetime since she’d been as attracted to a man as she was to Tim. There could be no harm in this. Just a kiss.
“I shouldn’t,” he whispered just before his mouth settled on hers.
It was the gentlest of touches, as if he expected rejection and wanted to leave room for it. Light as butterfly wings, but the warmth it sent spiraling through her amazed her. Then his work-hardened hand cupped her cheek and he deepened the kiss, running his tongue along her lips until her head tipped back a little and she granted him entry.
As his tongue slipped into her mouth and swirled gently, she felt herself softening in every cell of her body, becoming pliable, hungerin
g for more.
She was melting, an experience she’d never had before. How could feelings so strong make her feel so soft?
She wanted his arms around her, wanted to feel his strength, but just as she was lifting her own hand to encourage him, he drew back a little to sprinkle kisses on her eyelids and her cheeks.
“To be continued,” he said huskily, then pulled away, placing distance between them.
To be continued? She didn’t even want to open her eyes, never wanted to lose the soft feeling that filled her, or the gentle but electric desire that had come with it.
Just one kiss...
In an instant, near panic filled her. What was she doing? If ever there was a way to get hurt, this was it. She wouldn’t just be able to walk away and laugh it off. She knew how hard she could take things. Look at her whole life.
Jumping up, she uttered a smothered good-night and headed for the bedroom.
Some risks were too great. She needed to change a whole lot to be willing to take this one.
Yeah, she was emotionally crippled.
But she was also safe.
* * *
Tim didn’t move. What had possessed him? Something in the way she looked at him, but whatever he thought he’d seen hadn’t been there. So he’d kissed her, sent her into flight and made a total hash of something that had been perfectly fine until he acted like an idiot.
Closing his eyes, he reviewed what had happened. He’d been so sure she was reaching out to him. Asking for a taste, just a taste, of what it would be like if she crossed her barriers.
Just a little kiss, nothing more. Nothing that should have caused her to flee. While it had caused his blood to pound, she usually made that happen just by being around. He doubted she’d reacted as strongly with desire.
He’d felt, just briefly, the softening in her as if she wanted to yield, though. In the process he’d evidently pushed her past her defenses. Because he was damn sure he hadn’t repelled her.