Phobia

by Mandy White

  I was in a dimly lit room filled with people. The air hummed with the murmur of many simultaneous conversations. I looked from one familiar face to the next, amazed at how many I recognized. It was strange, seeing so many people from different times of my life, all together in one room. I didn’t know how I was able to recognize them, since they looked nothing like the people I knew.

  In fact, they didn’t even look human.

  They were dogs.

  They stood upright on two legs and talked, but they were dogs, all the same breed from the look of them – a mixture of wolf and German Shepherd, perhaps.

  All at once I remembered. I was on Sirius, one of my home worlds. The Sirians were dog people. Some of them, myself included, were living simultaneous human lives on Earth. Some of them were my acquaintances and family from Earth.

  We seemed to be at some sort of highly civilized canine cocktail party. I sensed an air of anticipation in the room.

  Social anxiety forgotten, I chatted with my dog-friends, who greeted me with a lot more enthusiasm than the same people would have on Earth. We all enjoyed a good laugh at my sheepish confession that not only did I forget about my parallel life in the world of dogs, but that I was also terrified of dogs back on Earth.

  “I know just how you feel,” one of them commented, “I’m terrified of humans!” The small group gathered around me literally howled with laughter.

  Suddenly a hush fell over the room. Laughter turned to excited whispers.

  “He’s coming!”

  “Who?” I asked.

  “Shh!”

  I edged away from the doorway toward the obscurity of a darkened corner of the room. I had no desire to be anywhere near a VIP who would have all eyes upon him.

  I bumped into someone in the darkness. It was a woman I’d never met before.

  “Do you mind?” she snapped. She was a bitch in more ways than one, it seemed.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t see y…” My apology trailed off when I saw whom she was with.

  “Colin!”

  “What do you want?” his curt reply felt like a dagger in my heart.

  “Colin, it’s me!”

  “And?”

  When I didn’t reply, he returned to his conversation with the bitch, seemingly unsurprised by my presence.

  I was confused. Didn’t Colin know me? Me, in the flesh?

  Flesh – and fur! I reminded myself.

  I tapped him on the shoulder. “Colin! It’s me!” He shrugged me off without even looking my way.

  Tears stung my eyes and a hard mass lodged in my throat. I’d expected my first meeting with Colin to be anything but this, even if it was just a messed-up dream.

  A hush fell over the room and everyone faced the entrance, where the mysterious VIP stood.

  My jaw dropped.

  An Egyptian god had entered the room.

  Not just any Egyptian god. It was none other than Anubis.

  He looked exactly the way Egyptian folklore depicted him, complete with jackal’s head and human body. And what a body! From the neck down he was human, bronze-skinned and rippling with muscles in all the right places – stunning to look at.

  He was dressed ancient Egyptian style – a simple white tunic around his waist and heavy gold jewelry around his neck. A wide belt hung low over his hips, following the sensuous V of his lower abdomen and clasped over his groin with an elegant gold ankh. He exuded a palatable sexual energy that quickened my heartbeat and shortened my breath. The hurt I’d felt from Colin’s snub melted away as I drank in Anubis’ regal beauty.

  Everyone in the room seemed to share my feelings about Anubis. Breathless, reverent silence followed him as he walked through the room, pausing to acknowledge each of us with a small nod. At the far end of the room he reached a large, elegant couch where he relaxed against a heap of colorful cushions with the majesty of a sultan in a harem. What I would have given to be part of his harem…

  I looked back at Colin, who was still engaged in conversation with the woman, ignoring everyone else, even Anubis.

  I decided to try once more to get his attention. I tapped his shoulder again, harder than before.

  “Colin! Are you seeing this? Look at this guy! He’s amazing!” Once again, Colin shrugged me off and refused to look.

  I was past hurt. Now I just felt angry.

  Damn him! How dare he treat me this way?

  On a table I noticed a vase with a single rose in it. I took the rose and approached Colin one more time. I had nothing to lose.

  “Colin, look at me, damn it!” Still he ignored me. “Fine, then. If I have to do something ridiculous to get your attention, I will!”

  I jabbed at him with the cut end of the rose, feigning swordplay. “En garde!” I laughed, giving him a poke in the arm. “Come on! You need to lighten up!”

  Finally I got a reaction.

  “Ouch!” he yelped. “Stop it, Dana!”

  So he did recognize me!

  The bitch-woman glared daggers at me, raising her upper lips to reveal sharp white canine teeth. A low growl rumbled from my throat. Baring my own fangs, I tensed in preparation for battle.

  “Carly, no!” Colin snapped, stepping in front of her.

  * * *

  Back in my bed, I sat up, fully awake, my insides a cyclone of emotion: hurt, anger, astonishment and remnants of sexual energy from the image of Anubis.

  As bizarre as the dog dream had been, it was a relief not to have a horrible nightmare for once. My anger at Colin quickly dissipated as I reflected on the incredible dream. I couldn’t wait to tell him about it.

  It was just past 6 am. Colin would probably be awake. I brewed a pot of coffee while my system booted up.

  My Skype call connected almost immediately. As usual, I had sound but the video window was black. It occurred to me that maybe Colin was intentionally preventing me from seeing him on camera. He could have put a piece of tape or something over his webcam.

  “Morning sunshine!” I greeted, unable to hide the false cheerfulness from my voice. “Sleep well?”

  He didn’t answer.

  “I had the most amazing dream, and you were in it.” I began, but he interrupted me, as usual. I tolerated this annoying habit of his because he always had something more interesting to say than I did.

  “Excuse me if I’m kind of quiet today, but I didn’t get much sleep last night. I think my schedule is getting the best of me.” He sounded like he was yawning. “I’m so tired. I wish we could just run away and take a vacation somewhere.”

  “That would be so nice.”

  “I think I dreamed about you last night,” he said. “I wish I could tell you what it was all about. All I remember is that you were there, but something was keeping us apart.”

  “I dreamed about you too. You were talking to some woman who wouldn’t let me near you.” I sighed. “I know it’s just a dream, but I can’t help but wonder if there’s some truth to it. Who is Carly?”

  Colin didn’t answer. After a few moments of silence he steered the conversation in a different direction, solidifying my fear that the woman from the dream was real.

  “Dreams are amazing things,” he said. “I find the mind such a fascinating place. It’s one of the things that made me want to be a psychiatrist to begin with.” I wondered why he sounded so sad. “You’re a great listener, Dana. I wish all my future patients could be like you.”

  “You’re going to make a great shrink someday,” I told him. “Maybe I would have actually gone to the appointment if it had been you.”

  Colin didn’t reply.

  “I’m not exactly the dream patient, pardon the pun,” I added.

  “Although…” he said, “I’m not sure I’d want to take you on as a patient.”

  “Why not?”

  “It’s unethical for a doctor to date his patients. If you were my patient, I could never ask you out.”

  “I’d like that.” I told him, blushing. When I realized he could see me, I b
lushed even redder and turned my face away from the camera.

  “I bought you something,” he said. His voice sounded choked. “It’s a rose. I wish I could give it to you. I-I wish you could see it… smell it. It has a wonderful scent.”

  A breeze wafted past my face, carrying with it the honeyed perfume of rose petals.

  “How did you do that?” I whispered. It was truly astonishing what the mind was capable of creating when some sensory input was absent.

  Colin didn’t answer. I heard the sounds of him moving around, the clunk of what was probably his coffee mug on his desk, and the scrape of his chair across the floor.

  “I have to go,” he said.

  ~*~

  ~ 12 ~

  Bubbles and Blood

  The disturbing dreams were taking their toll on me. It seemed odd that I’d be having trouble getting a decent night’s sleep given that I didn’t have anything better to do. I seemed to spend a lot of time in bed asleep, but I felt tired and frazzled just the same.

  I thought perhaps a nice hot bubble bath would relax me. I filled the tub with scalding water and a copious amount of lavender bubble bath. I lit a scented candle and a stick of incense to cover the lingering smell of disinfectant. I still had no memory of doing any cleaning, but pine oil hung heavy in the air beneath the blend of lavender, lilac and sandalwood.

  I tested the water with my toe before stepping into the tub. Hot, but just cool enough to be bearable. Perfect. I lay back in the water, surrounded by clouds of fragrant foam. I folded a washcloth and placed it over my eyes, which felt puffy and bloodshot from lack of rest.

  Ahh! Paradise. There was nothing like a hot soak to melt one’s worries away.

  I must have dozed off, because when I removed the cloth from my eyes the candle had burnt out, the bubbles had dissolved and the bathwater was tepid. Teeth chattering, I gripped the edge of the tub to sit up.

  I couldn’t move.

  Something was holding me down, pinned under the water with only my head above the surface.

  Panic tightened my chest. I had a fear of drowning, but had always considered the bathtub to be a safe and controlled aquatic environment. I fought the invisible force that held me down and finally managed to push myself into a sitting position.

  The water was no longer clear. I was sitting in a thick, reddish-black soup that reeked of disinfectant.

  I screamed and lunged for the side of the tub but before I could gain my footing, the bottom fell away. I flailed, lost my grip and slipped into the inky depths. I managed one last gulp of air before my head went under.

  The harder I fought to reach the surface, the faster I sank.

  My lungs burned. Being a non-swimmer, I had no idea how long I could hold my breath.

  I sank.

  Down.

  Please let this be a dream!

  Down.

  Please, wake up! Wake-up-wake-up-wake-up!

  Down.

  I was going to drown.

  Oh god I’m not waking up. I’m going to die!

  Unable to hold my breath any longer, I exhaled, then inhaled involuntarily, sucking the viscous liquid into my lungs. I tasted decay.

  I woke, gasping lungful after lungful of life-giving air.

  The candle still sputtered in its little glass jar. The bubbles had dissolved and the bath was tepid, but the water was clear. I scrambled out of the tub and yanked the plug before the water had a chance to turn into a bottomless pit of rotten blood.

  I threw a towel around myself and dashed to the bedroom, where I dove under the covers, shivering and sobbing.

  My heart raced and I gasped for air, hyperventilating from the panic attack triggered by the dream. I slid a hand from under the blanket and groped in my nightstand drawer for the small bottle of precious Xanax. I slipped one under my tongue and curled into the fetal position until the drug calmed me.

  I was unsure of what to do. Go to sleep and risk more creepy dreams, or make coffee and stay awake? Neither choice seemed ideal, but since it was 3 am, sleep made the most sense.

  ~*~

  ~ 13 ~

  The Intruders

  Agoraphobia

  Zombies at my door again

  Scraping, clawing to be let in

  Can’t they see I’m happy here?

  In my sanctuary, safe from fear

  Oh, no! Now they’re trying to phone

  Zombies, please leave me alone!

  I don’t have advice for you

  Can’t you see I have questions too?

  It’s clear these zombies just won’t quit

  I guess it’s time to give them shit

  Grab a rifle and some ammo

  Take my aim and then go BLAMMO!

  Each time I fire a head explodes

  But still the zombies line the roads

  The only way to make them go

  Is make peace with my relentless foe

  * * *

  I finished my journal entry with a silly poem about zombies to boost my spirits. I’d found that making fun of the things that frightened me made them seem less dangerous, silly, even.

  I felt good. I felt strong – no – I felt invincible.

  Today was the day.

  I was going to do it.

  Zombies be damned – I was going to leave the house. It would just be a short trip to the pharmacy to renew my prescriptions and maybe pick up a few necessities.

  I hadn’t told Colin I was planning to go out. I wanted to surprise him. When I returned from my outing I’d email him and tell him what I had accomplished. He would be so pleased to hear of the progress I’d made.

  I felt brave and strong for the first time since the accident. The terror I’d endured in my recent dreams made the outdoors seem less terrifying. What was there to be afraid of, really? It was just the world, and Colin lived in the world. I wanted nothing more than to be with him, to hold him and kiss him and touch him. He was waiting for me on the other side of that door; all I had to do was open it.

  The front door.

  The door that led outside, where scary things waited.

  No, not as scary as being alone in this house.

  I hadn’t heard the hissing monster in a while, so I was pretty confident it was gone. Nothing stood between me and freedom, except that door.

  It was just a door.

  Turn the knob. C’mon. You know how it works.

  I reached for the knob. Just as my hand was about to close around it, someone knocked on the other side of the door.

  I froze.

  I was not prepared for visitors!

  Part of my social phobia included fear of having my personal space invaded. Uninvited visitors were not welcome in my home and I had no intention of inviting anyone in.

  I was afraid to move in case the floor creaked and betrayed my presence.

  Go away! Whoever you are! I don’t want any of what you’re selling, don’t want to donate or find God, and don’t want to go for coffee with a neighbor. Just go away!

  I tried to breathe without making a sound but I was positive the person lurking on the other side of the door could hear the deafening thud that was my heartbeat.

  Go away go away go away go away!

  Tightness in my lungs signaled an impending panic attack. I took slow breaths through my nose, fighting to stay calm. If I fainted from lack of oxygen, the person on the other side would hear the thump when I hit the floor. Then they’d know I was there and would never leave me alone.

  I was trapped inside my only sanctuary and the outside world was encroaching on my personal space.

  No! No-no-no-no! This isn’t fair. Leave me alone!

  Behind me, the phone rang.

  The person at the door was probably standing there calling me from a cell phone, listening with an ear to the door to see if I’d answer.

  Nice try, asshole. I wasn’t born yesterday.

  I remained frozen in place, tears streaming down my face. There was no way in hell I was going to answer
the door or the phone. I wished I could escape to my bedroom where the intruder couldn’t hear me, but I was afraid to move.

  The phone rang and rang.

  Why the hell isn’t my answering machine picking up?

  I had the machine set to pick up after three rings. If I wasn’t going to answer it in three, then I had no plans to pick it up.

  The machine should have gotten it by now.

  The phone kept ringing.

  Nine. Ten. Eleven.

  I counted the rings, feet frozen to the floor.

  Just go away! What do you want from me? I screamed inside my head.

  Finally, the phone stopped ringing. The knock at the door was not repeated, so it was safe to assume the person at the door had given up and gone away. I moved slowly away from the door, then froze mid-step when I heard another sound.

  Voices. Muffled, speaking in low tones, outside on my front porch. I held my breath, straining to hear what they were saying. I thought I heard my name.

  Snippets of conversation filtered through the door.

  “No response. We’ll keep trying…”

  “How much longer do you think we should wait? If she doesn’t come out…” a woman’s voice said.

  “I’m not giving up!” a man said. His voice sounded familiar; for a moment I could have sworn it was Colin, but that was ridiculous, of course.

  He wouldn’t be at my door. Colin didn’t even know where I lived. And if he did, he wouldn’t visit uninvited.

  The next voice I heard chilled my guts because I recognized it – the stiff, disapproving tone belonged to none other than my Aunt Ellen.

  “She’s just doing this to get attention. She loves to make everyone drop everything and pay attention to her! She has always done this sort of thing.”

  “How can you say something like that? She’s in there! I know she is!” the man’s voice sounded angry.

  “Of course she’s in there, you idiot! I can see she’s got you duped along with these other idiots. I, for one, am not going to stick around and give her the satisfaction. I have better things to do.”