by M Helbig
The elf leapt up and playfully punched Nyytro in the chest. “I was wondering . . . where you . . . were,” the shadow elf said in a deep voice.
“Hoping your pet ‘accidentally’ stepped on me, eh?”
“Of course . . . not,” the elf said in mock shock. “I do know how to . . . repay my allies.”
They shared an evil laugh and shook hands. Olaf’s face filled with rage, and I grabbed him right before he charged forward.
“Wait,” I whispered in group chat. “I think they’re going to reveal more, so I’m going to record this. We might be able to turn this over to the authorities, and then we can get Sun law enforcement on him—maybe. I’m not sure of the rules exactly. At worst, the rest of the players will be sure to turn on him and help me get him thrown back to Earth.”
Alizia finally stumbled to her feet on still shaking legs. “Villains do like to monologue. I just hope it’s a quick one.”
“Why does that elf keep throwing random pauses in his sentences?” Olaf asked.
Alizia shrugged.
“Thank you for . . . your assistance,” the shadow elf said.
“You should have at least another hour before the guilds get back from those raids I funded for you. So, what’s next after you destroy this place?” Nyytro asked.
“Ha!” the elf said. “Like I’d trust you with that . . . information. While your service has been . . . exemplary in this little . . . endeavor, that information is strictly . . . need to know, and you do not . . . need to know.”
“Well, OK, but I might be able to help. I already have another contract ready, if you need some assurances. It has a magic non-disclosure agreement that will bleep out anything if I try to say or write about the stuff you tell me.” Nytro re-summoned his dagger and casually flipped it between his fingers.
The elf frowned as he eyed the dagger, but his mouth spread into a wide grin as he began patting Nyytro on the shoulder. “You’re . . . fired.” A black red flame spread from the mage’s hand onto Nyytro’s shoulder, quickly spreading throughout his body. Nyytro's entire body converted to ash with a whoosh. He didn’t even have time to form a look of surprise, let alone scream. He was there, and then he was gone. The ash tumbled to the ground in a nice neat pile. A trumpet blasted from the north.
The elf gave a rude gesture toward the pile. “If you leave your bind spot . . . immediately, you might be able to get back here to see me . . . dance on the rubble of this city.”
It was all so unexpected that I lost my focus and let out a cry of surprise. Fortunately, the shadow elf couldn’t hear it over the noise of the large explosion that rocked the lobster from below. The lobster lurched hard to the right. I barely managed to keep my feet as the beast slowly leveled itself. The shadow elf immediately went back to his position peering over the lobster’s head and fired bolts of energy at the forces below. Olaf and Alizia crawled up next to me.
“What is the plan, friend Horus?” Olaf asked.
I sighed. “With Nyytro gone, we should probably just leave.”
Olaf shook his head. “Honor dictates we must stop this evil elf. We are the only ones who can do it.”
“I don’t know,” Alizia said. “While I do like the idea of having a city full of people showering me with adoration and not having to buy a drink for the rest of my life, Horus’s plan involves being back on the nice, stable, not-going-to-fall-to-your-death-if-you-roll-over-the-wrong-way ground.”
The lobster shifted again as another explosion sounded near its head. The shadow elf responded by tossing a few more bolts of flaming energy over the side. Several screams followed a second later, and the explosions below stopped.
“I like your spirit, Olaf,” I said. “But this city is lost. The orcs were making mincemeat of the few people who stayed and fought—not to mention what that golem was doing. Plus, I think the shadow elf just finished off the guys below.”
“The golem was defeated a few minutes ago,” Olaf said. “And reinforcements are here. That horn sound signaled their arrival. If we can defeat this thing, our side will win.”
I stared hard at my friend’s face. It was clear he was going to stay no matter what I decided. As much as I wanted to go look for Nyytro, the chances of him being bound in this city—if it even had a bind point—and of me being able to find him in the chaos below were very small. The chances of us being able to help our faction were much higher. Plus, Olaf was my friend. I couldn’t abandon him to fight what I was sure was a powerful enemy with only a barely mobile Alizia as backup.
“OK, I’m in,” I said. “Olaf, I want you turn on Sneak and get near him. When you’re in position, give us the word.” I turned toward Alizia. “I need you to draw his attention with Shout. Without Decrona, I’ll switch to heals and do my best to keep you upright.”
Alizia responded by throwing up all over my shoe. As I internally debated whether to take that as a “yes” or to call the whole thing off, a fiery blast grazed my arm. I didn’t have time to check the damage number, but my blinking HP bar indicated it was a lot.
“Hey, elf,” Alizia sputtered out in a wavering voice. “Your skin’s all dirty and . . . Yeah, I Shout at you. Look at me.”
I wasn’t sure whether Shout actually landed, or whether the shadow elf was mesmerized by Alizia’s seasick antics, but whatever the cause, she did draw his attention and bought me enough time to cast a Regrowth. My HPs stopped blinking. Unfortunately, his next blast tore past Alizia’s shield and took her down to 35%.
As my hand barely began to show the greenish glow of my healing spell, I realized his next spell was much further along and mine wouldn’t be in time. My only hope was that he’d somehow miss or decide to target something else. The much smaller blast of my spell looked pathetic by comparison as it released from my hands a second later. I was surprised that it had finished so soon, but it might as well have been hours later for all the good it’d do Alizia.
I closed my eyes before his spell landed. It was a good thing too, as a sizzle like a piece of bacon hitting a hot skillet came barely after. I decided to keep my eyes closed until my turn was over, but a masculine scream rang out ten seconds later and curiosity got the better of me.
“Why won’t you . . . die?” the deep voice of the shadow elf asked.
A man in shiny, multi-colored armor put his hands on his hips and pouted in response. I hadn’t seen or heard Clewd arrive. He must have climbed up the lobster behind us during the commotion, though it was also possible he’d teleported up there.
“My mother always told me never to die on an empty stomach, and I’ve always lived by that motto,” Clewd said. “Now are you going to seat me, or do I have to seat myself?”
The elf screamed again as he launched another purple and black spell. The spell hit Clewd in the chest and spread out, enveloping his body, seeming to bleed into the armor before evaporating in a light cloud of smoke. Clewd rolled his eyes. The sizzling made me assume it was only bravado, until I noticed it came from the circle of melting lobster shell around his feet.
Clewd looked down and slapped his thigh. “Ahh, it’s one of those types of restaurants. You cook the food right here. A table or at least a chair would be nice, but your restaurant, your rules. This smells delicious. Say, could you get me some butter, my good man?”
The elf started another spell but changed his mind halfway through and summoned a dark dagger instead. Looking into it, I could only think of emptiness, despair, and my own mortality. Clewd, however, had more important things on his mind and licked his lips hungrily as he stared at the sizzling lobster. The elf leveled his dagger at Clewd’s heart, but a split second later, Clewd stuck his hand out, and faster than my mind could process, disarmed him.
“Excellent,” Clewd said. “Silverware. Do you have a fork? And about that butter?”
Alizia vomited behind Clewd, and he turned to stare at her.
Clewd shook his head and laughed. “Love the efficiency of the service here, but I guess that was my fault. U
nused butter, please.”
A wicked grin spread across the shadow elf’s face, and he wove a swirling pattern with his glowing hands. The gray and black energy that slowly built was quite different than any of the other spells I’d seen, and it took forever to cast—a forever during which Clewd made no effort to either move or prevent it from completing. His only interest was the lobster he was hungrily digging into with the confiscated knife. I moved as far away from him as I could, near the lobster’s head, while Alizia did her best to stand, giving up and crawling back toward the tail.
When the elf’s casting completed, the built-up energy did not rush toward Clewd but instead flew to the heavens. The clouds parted violently to let the unholy energy pass. When the energy finally disappeared, it revealed a portal to a place that was definitely not on anyone’s list of top vacation destinations (unless they’re a fan of torture, demons, the undead, and the color pink). A massive, horned dragon with a tiny, purple hat stuck his head out, looked to where the elf was vehemently pointing and unleashed a blast of blue flames. Clewd was completely in the open, and there was nothing close to a shield nearby, so he raised the only thing he could for protection: his knife, tipped with bits of lobster meat.
The blast lasted for at least two minutes, completely covering a ten-foot area around Clewd. The black dagger bounced out of the blast a few seconds later, giving answer to the question of how good of a shield it had been. I couldn’t see or hear any signs of Clewd, nor could I see Alizia, though I could see her HP bar was unchanged. The elf continued to point at Clewd throughout, before abruptly jerking back and screaming. The blast stopped shortly after, and the dragon’s head retreated through the portal as it closed with a pop.
The elf frantically clawed at his back, howling in agony. When his spastic movements turned him to the left, I could finally make out the source of his pain. Olaf was behind him holding the unworldly black dagger. In all the excitement, I’d completely forgotten he was there. His patience and timing were perfect.
Reinvigorated, I summoned my bow and joined in. If at any time we’d had a chance against him, it was then. With stealth completely out the window, I decided to see exactly what we were up against.
D’Lokon Ab’Tarazlain
Level: 73
HP: ???
Class: Grand Tamer
MP: ???
Race: Shadow Elf
AP: ???
Experience: ???
AC: ???
STR: ???
Resists
AGI: ???
Light: ???
DEX: ???
Dark: ???
STA: ???
Earth: ???
END: ???
Water: ???
CHA: ???
Fire: ???
INT: ???
Wind: ???
WIS: ???
HP Regen: ???
Carrying Capacity: ???
MP Regen: ???
AP Regen: ???
Skills:???
Equipment:???
My mouth dropped. Olaf had incredibly done over 400 in damage in one blow, and yet that was fewer than 1% of the elf’s HPs. I considered diving off the monstrous lobster to the hard earth twenty feet below. At least that way, the elf wouldn’t get the satisfaction of killing me. I decided against it, as without Decrona, I was in charge of keeping my friends alive. Even if it was probably impossible, I owed it to them to at least try.
Olaf got in a few more stabs and then a couple slashes before the elf figured out what was going on. I managed to score two hits to his torso but began missing wildly when the lobster shifted his weight. Our vicious assault in that moment would’ve easily downed a dungeon boss several levels above us; however, we’d still barely broken the 1% barrier, and the shadow elf had now regained his senses.
Black and blue energy began to radiate from his palms as he turned to Olaf. I dispelled my bow and started a healing spell that would likely land on a corpse. Sweat dribbled down Olaf’s bald head as he desperately unloaded on his opponent with everything he had. Our spells completed simultaneously. I had to fight every instinct in my body to keep my eyes open, but I needed to be able to see if Olaf somehow survived so I could begin a second spell immediately.
The elf’s spell collided with its target in a deafening clash of fire and armor. Clewd crossed his arms as the blast dissipated in an anticlimactic sizzle. My spell landed on Olaf to heal him for a whopping 0.
“Waiter!” Clewd said. “That patron behind you stole my silverware. I demand that you fetch me a replacement and then throw him out for his ruffianism. No, throw him out and then bring me a replacement. I don’t want to risk him stealing the replacement as you throw him out.”
The shadow elf began another spell, but it fizzled almost immediately.
“You’re not going to get a good tip with service like that. Throw. Him. Out!” Clewd tapped his foot angrily.
The elf started to shake nervously and quickly fumbled three more times.
“Of course!” Clewd shook his head and laughed. “You’ve never had to throw anyone out before. This is an establishment of fine dining after all. Let me show you how.”
Clewd effortlessly knocked the elf over with one hand. Olaf was too shocked to move (though with Clewd’s effortless speed, it was unlikely he’d have been able to get away anyway), and Clewd hoisted him over his head like he was a doll. The only thing close to resistance Olaf offered was a half-hearted stab which didn’t even penetrate Clewd’s armor. The dagger bounced off and landed a few feet from the dazed shadow elf.
As Clewd neared the edge, he spun back around. “Now, waiter, pay attention. I want you to remember how I did this, so you can do it yourself next time. The outdoor ambience and unique do-it-yourself mentality of this place has charmed me, and I plan to become a regular.”
Clewd’s eyes narrowed as he took in the black dagger now in the elf’s hands. “My goodness. I’ve once again become so fixated with my zest for justice that I’ve gotten disoriented and mixed up my target. Can’t tell you how many party members I’ve accidentally killed and dragons I’ve taken out for the after-slay, all-night drinking binges. Still miss Oskie and Repsak. Never been the same without them. And that guy in the cloak was no fun at all. The liquor just passed right through him. Made the floor all slippery and sticky.”
Setting Olaf down, Clewd closed the distance to the elf in the time it took to blink. The elf attempted to cast a spell as Clewd hefted him toward the edge, but whether through nervousness or from being jostled about, his spell quickly fizzled out.
Clewd looked back at Olaf. “Excellent. No silverware on you, you must be the waiter. Odd that I remember you being taller and tanner though.”
Olaf took a hesitant step back. “Err. I am a different waiter. The head waiter. Your previous waiter sent me out to . . . take notes, since you are such a valuable customer.”
“Then where is your notepad?” Clewd lowered the elf.
“I am a waiter, and like all good waiters, my brain is my notepad.” Olaf stopped shaking and his back straightened as Clewd started to hoist up the elf. “I will remember everything perfectly, like how we owe you some butter. Unused, you said.”
Nodding, Clewd turned back around. He tossed the shadow elf like a basketball and not like he was effortlessly tossing an incredibly powerful player to his death. The elf screamed as his arms cartwheeled through the air. A second after he began to arch downward, he stopped and a barely visible, glowing net appeared to catch him.
“Ahh, yes,” Clewd said. “The safety guard. One too many Grand and Giant Tamers fall to their deaths, and they just have to patch that in. Gotta protect the snowflakes. Can’t have people paying for their own stupidity. Nope.”
The shadow elf’s terror-stricken face turned to a grin as he realized he was no longer falling. He completed another spell right as the safety guard bounced him back in a rewind of Clewd’s toss. However, his mirth was short lived when a rainbow of energy collided with hi
m from at least five sources. Either he hadn’t finished off the attackers below or new ones had arrived. Nothing was left of his body when my sight returned. My relief lasted only a few seconds as I realized Olaf was gone as well.
After only a few steps, I was knocked to my feet as the lobster began to thrash violently. As much as I wanted to check for my friend, our ride was making that impossible; it took me every bit of effort to not join Alizia in vomit town.
Whether through some spell or special ability, Clewd maintained his pose without moving an inch. “Hmpfh. I’m going to have to take one star off my review now. ‘Great atmosphere, quirky method of delivering the food, and friendly staff. I was in heaven, but then the waiter died before he brought me my butter, and the restaurant tossed everyone around like ragdolls.’ Now that I think about it, I may have gotten mixed up again and killed the waiter. Perhaps I should only take off half a star and make recompense by preventing the beast from ever tossing people about again.”
Clewd stomped toward the lobster’s head, giving me my first chance to see the spot last occupied by Olaf. It took a few minutes for the sliding and rolling to stabilize enough to get a good look, but when I did, I only saw a bit of lingering smoke and a slightly melted shell.
My body stopped on something hard a minute later as I regained my balance. Not wanting to see Clewd finish off the lobster, I looked down to discover what it was. I jumped up in horror and tried to run when I realized it was Olaf’s corpse, only to drop back down as the ground fell out from under me.