Several days after returning to New Zealand she logged onto her email and was reminded about why she could never love Chris.
Dear Lil
Eve and I just wanted to check that you arrived okay. Having seen no news about plane crashes we presume that all is well and that you are too busy bonking Chris’s brains out to contact us. Okay, Eve says I have to tell you that she had no part in the construction of this email. But you know different, eh? (I’m winking at the screen…with my eyes I hasten to add!) Okay…now I am in deep shit and Eve is demanding I get off the computer so she can spank me. Oh sorry, not spank me…kick my arse…and apparently there is a difference! Whoops! Better go.
Write soon, Cheesy.
Hugs
Adders
Lily smiled to herself as she read. Typical bloody Adam. She hit reply.
Hi Pee Pants and lovely Eve
I arrived safe and well if a little knackered. Chris has been pampering me for the past few days, and so my body clock is slowly returning to normal. Whatever normal is! We’re going out with some friends tonight, so I’d better be awake by then or I’ll be falling asleep in my beer. Lol! I know that Adders is saying ‘nothing new there then.’ Cheeky!
Anyway, enjoy your lovely new home and I will see you at Christmas.
Hugs
Lily
Xxx
Chris came over as she clicked send. She had no clue how long he had been watching her. He had walked by as she started reading, but had he read her message over her shoulder? Well, it didn’t really matter if he had. He sat beside her on the sofa looking quite serious. “What’s up, hun?” she asked rubbing his arm.
He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and dropping his gaze to the floor so that locks of his scruffy blonde hair fell forward. “Erm…how long are you hoping to stay in New Zealand, babe?”
She bit her lip. “I hadn’t really thought about it much. Why?”
“It’s just that…I’ve been offered a place on that cookery course that I wanted to take. Remember me mentioning it?”
She was puzzled. “Yes. Yes I do, but you weren’t supposed to be doing that until next year.”
He glanced up at her, sadness and frustration seemed to be fighting for pole position on his features. “I know, but my dad knows someone who knows the head chef at Alonzo’s in Sydney. It’s the best restaurant there. It’s where almost every top chef has been trained. They’ve offered me an apprenticeship if I start the course next month. Me, Lil. This is huge. I really want to take it but I’m afraid…” He dropped his gaze to the floor again and picked at his nails.
She grasped his hand to stop him from fidgeting. “Chris, you seem to be spending a lot of the time afraid at the moment.” Is this down to me?
He turned to face her. “Lily, I have to go back home. Soon. But I’m afraid you won’t want to come with me. Coming with me means making some kind of commitment. I know you’re not really ready and I need to understand why that is. Is it because you know about my past? Because I’d hoped that you knew I’d changed because of you.”
She knew exactly what he’d been like before they met. He’d been completely honest with her. Too honest if the truth be known. He’d played the field and had his fair share of conquests behind him. With his looks and that Adonis-like body, he could have had any woman he wanted. But for some reason he wanted her. She still didn’t understand why.
She shook her head. “No, your past is your past. I don’t really care about that.”
“Then can you be honest with me as to why you don’t want to make things work with me?”
She stood. “It’s not that I don’t want to make things work with you, but you said that you would wait. You’ve said it more than once. I don’t understand why starting this course will change things.”
“It won’t. Not really. But I’ve been thinking… I thought a lot whilst you were away in the UK, and I’ve been thinking since you’ve been back, too. I know what I said about waiting and I…I did mean it at the time… It’s just that I get the feeling I’m wasting my time here and all the waiting in the world won’t change things.” His eyes looked pained. He had seen right through her at last.
She sighed. “Chris…it’s…it’s complicated. I really do like you. I do care about you. And I find you incredibly attractive. The sex is mind blowing—”
He stood and grasped her by the arms, staring deep into her eyes. “Then marry me, Lily.” He stared intently at her, pleading with his eyes.
She gasped. “What? Chris…what? I…I don’t know what to say. We’ve been together for what feels like two minutes… I can’t think…”
“But you’ve said you care about me and the attraction is clearly there. The rest will come, surely? We can work toward love. And when it’s right you know it’s right, and I just know, Lily.”
Heat rose in her cheeks and her heart hammered at her ribs as if making a determined effort to burst out of her chest. “But…why the urgency? Why all of a sudden do we have to rush into this?”
Chris exhaled a noisy, shuddering breath. “Can you honestly tell me that we’re going somewhere, Lily? Can you honestly tell me that one day…however far off in the future it may be…that one day you’ll marry me?”
Her heart continued to pound as her mind raced through a million different scenarios, a million different answers she could give. “I…I…Chris…marriage…it’s…” She tried hard to clamber through the fog of her mind at this preposterous and unexpected turn of events. Why is he doing this now? Should she lie and say that yes, one day she could marry him? No, that would be cruel, and lying wasn’t something she could do to this wonderful man. He deserved so much more.
He dropped his arms to his sides, sadness in his beautiful green eyes. Sadness she had put there. Guilt stabbed her heart.
He shook his head. “If the immediate answer isn’t obviously yes, Lily, then I think maybe it’s time I let you go.”
Anger spiked within her and the tears came. “But you said you’d wait! Why are you doing this?”
He stroked her cheek. “It’s called self-preservation. I’ve never felt this way about anyone. There’s something about you and I can’t get past it. I’m pretty sure I can’t be the first one you’ve affected like this. I want a future with you but I want all of you. Not the scraps of your heart that you’re willing to offer. I know it’s sudden but it’s sudden for me too. But all you’ve done since you arrived back is look at your phone and check your emails. I haven’t seen you type a single thing until this morning…like you were waiting for something.” His brow creased as regret washed over his beautiful face. “Lily, you lit up as you read whatever it was and then you were the same as you typed. You lit up for someone else. Not for me. And the look on your face was the look someone has when they’re in love. I should know…I have it when I look at you—”
“Chris—”
“Let me just finish okay? I’m not angry. I love you, Lily. I’m in love with you and as much as that won’t change for a long time, neither will your feelings for me whilst you’re clearly in love with someone else.” He cupped her face in his hands. “If I don’t let you go now it will get harder and harder for me to do that as time goes on. And I will have to let you go eventually. And if I’m honest with myself, I think I know the truth, babe. It doesn’t matter how long I wait, I’m never going to mean as much to you as he clearly does. Am I right?”
Tears trailed down her face as she nodded and sobs burst from within. He encased her in his arms. “Thank you for being honest. I know this isn’t easy for you either. Can I ask you something?” Unable to speak through her tears she nodded again. “Why don’t you just tell him you love him, whoever he is? You may be surprised and find that he feels the same.”
She closed her eyes and swallowed hard. “He doesn’t.” And never will.
He wiped her tears away. “But how do you know if you don’t speak to him?”
She took a deep breath. “Because he’s
my best friend in the whole world…always has been…and he just got engaged and moved in with the love of his life.” Her legs almost gave way as she finally made the difficult admission that she had contemplated making to Chris only a few days before.
He held her and stroked her hair. “Oh, Lily…sweetheart…”
After letting her cry for a few minutes, he pushed her away and smiled sadly into her eyes. “Unrequited love is a complete, fucking shit-head of a bastard, isn’t it?”
She choked out a heartfelt laugh through her tears. “You certainly got that right.”
Chapter Thirteen
No One Knows (Queens of the Stoneage)
November 2003
“This is the best flat we’ve seen all day, Lily. What do you think?” Eve asked when the estate agent ducked outside to answer a call on his mobile phone. The flat was in a beautiful, converted Victorian terrace on the outskirts of Edinburgh. The ceilings were high and the large, original sash windows let in lots of light, making the small but perfectly formed space feel bright and airy.
Lily sighed. “Yeah, it’s small but I don’t suppose I need anything bigger.”
Putting an end to her travels, she had decided to return to Scotland and begin the arduous task of finding work. She had several interviews lined up and a string of excellent references under her belt thanks to the work she had gotten in Australia, New Zealand, and other countries she had visited. She was determined to do well at… Well, whatever she ended up doing. It would become her life and her main distraction.
Being back in Scotland caused a mixture of emotions to bubble to the surface for Lily. Eve and Adam were loving being in their new home and had initially insisted on Lily moving in with them until she found a place to live. Finding somewhere had now become a matter of urgency. Being under the same roof as the loved-up couple was difficult to bear. As much as she loved that Adam was happy, hearing him make love to Eve through the not-so-thick walls was the worst kind of torture. She knew they were holding back and trying to be quiet but why should they? It was their house after all. She felt so very uncomfortable.
The estate agent returned to the lounge of the one bedroom flat. “So Miss Macrae, what do you think?”
Lily looked at Eve who nodded encouragingly. “Where do I sign?”
♥♥♥
The two friends sat opposite each other in their favourite city centre coffee house. Eve opened her mouth to speak but seemed hesitant.
Lily took a sip of her vanilla latte. “What’s wrong, Eve?” she asked, tilting her head to one side.
“Look, Lily… I hope you don’t think we’re trying to get rid of you. You’re welcome to stay at our house as long as you need, you know.”
“It’s fine honestly. I want to get out of your hair. You two need your space. You’re planning a wedding, and as much as I love Adam and you, I think I need my own space.”
“As long as you didn’t sign up for the flat because you feel pressured to leave. It’s not necessary. There’s no pressure. You haven’t been back long, and I’m just worried that being alone will give you too much time to think about Chris.”
Lily paused with her cup halfway to her lips. She hadn’t discussed what had happened between her and Chris with Adam and Eve for reasons obvious only to herself, but of course they were concerned that she had suffered a broken heart. She had of course, but not at the hands of Chris and not really through anyone’s fault.
She closed her eyes for a second and tried to compose herself. “Chris and I parted as friends. It really is fine. We just… Well, we wanted different things. He wanted a commitment and I wasn’t ready for that with him. That’s all. We parted so that he could move on and do his cookery apprenticeship. It was what he wanted and he needed to concentrate without worrying about me and whether we had a future.” This was the most she had opened up since her return. She had tried to avoid talking about the situation and had been quickly changing the subject any time the matter arose.
“I see…” Eve nodded. “And you’re sure you’re okay? I mean really okay?”
Lily smiled and for a moment forgot whom she was out with. Big mistake. “I’m really okay. Chris is a great guy. He has a lot to offer a woman and I don’t want him waiting around for me forever when I’m still in l—” She stopped mid-sentence, a feeling of panic washing over her at her almost slip of the tongue. She could feel her cheeks burning, a dead giveaway. “Wh-when I’m in no position to offer what he needs.” Lily’s eyes darted to Eve whose eyes were wide for a split second, but then Eve re-arranged her pretty features into a smile and nodded looking down at the table. Had she realised? Oh shit, that’s not good. Not good.
Eve lifted her gaze and unreadable emotions clouded her vivid blue eyes. A sad smile tugged at the corner of her mouth as she leaned across the small table to squeeze Lily’s arm. “As long as you’re okay, Lily. A broken heart can be tough to get through alone.”
♥♥♥
Back at the house, Adam was in the kitchen making dinner when the girls arrived home. After hanging their coats on hooks, Lily excused herself and went up to her room. Eve made her way through to the kitchen and slipped her arms around Adam’s waist.
He turned to face her and enveloped her in his embrace. “Well hello there, sexy. How are you?” He leaned down and kissed her passionately.
She smiled when the kiss ended. “I’m better now.”
Adam looked down at her and furrowed his brow. “Better now? What do you mean? Is everything okay?”
She nodded. “Yes, yes, everything’s fine. Just ignore me.”
He was filled with concern. “Come on, Evie, I know when something’s bothering you. Tell me.”
She shook her head. “It’s fine honestly. I love you Adam…more than anything. You know that, don’t you?”
He slipped his hands into her hair, stroking his thumbs over her cheeks. “Of course I do. Is there something you want to tell me?”
“No, everything is fine. It’s nothing… Oh, Lily found a flat though.” She changed the subject and Adam knew that’s what she was doing, but he let it go.
“Oh great. When does she move in?”
“Adam! You can’t ask things like that,” she whispered loudly.
“What? Why? I’m just interested.”
“Yes, well, I don’t want her feeling like she has to leave if she’s not ready.”
He chewed his lip before speaking. “Why? What makes you think she’s not ready? What has she said?”
She sighed. “She hasn’t said anything, Adam. I just… Well, I don’t know, but I just think things are harder for her than she’s letting on, that’s all.”
Adam wondered what had been said while they were out. Clearly something had. “Should I talk to her?”
Eve gasped and shook her head. “No! That’s the last thing she needs right now. Just let her be and if she wants to talk she’ll talk. Just don’t pressure her about moving out, okay?”
“I wasn’t going to, sweetheart, but you’re worrying me now.”
She placed her hands on his chest. “No need for worry. Just…I don’t know…don’t be your usual brash self around her, okay?”
Adam chuckled. “Awww, you’re spoiling all my fun. But okay…I won’t.” He kissed her again still feeling puzzled.
♥♥♥
Lily lay on the bed in the room she was borrowing at Adam and Eve’s house. The way Eve had looked at her when they were at the coffee house preyed on her mind. She knew. Something told Lily that Eve had seen through her, and now Lily felt, more than ever, that she had to leave as soon as possible. She had to get out of here. How could she possibly stay now? Okay, so nothing had been confirmed, but the knowing look in Eve’s eyes… What if she says something to Adam? Shit! No…no surely she wouldn’t. And what if she starts to act differently around me? Oh nooo. This is not good, Lily. Not good.
She wanted things to remain as they were and was terrified of awkwardness. The thought of Eve being upset with her
made her heart sink and her stomach tie up into knots. There was a gentle knock on the door.
“Come in.” Her voice croaked.
“Hey, are you okay?” Eve asked as she pushed the door open.
Lily sat upright. “Yeah, yeah, everything’s fine. Just a bit bushed still, I suppose.” She forced a smile.
“Look…Lily…you don’t have to move out right away you know. Really, you don’t. You and Adam have been best friends for so long it’s like having part of the family staying with us. I don’t want you to feel—”
“Honestly, Eve it’s fine. You guys need your space and I really need mine, too. It’ll do me good to get sorted somewhere, and then I can really start looking for work in earnest. I’m fine, so please stop worrying. I hate that I’m causing you to worry.”
Eve bit her lip and nodded and seemed to hesitate before speaking again. “Lily…erm…”
Lily’s heart pounded in her chest and she gulped. “What is it?”
Eve smiled and shook her head. “It’s…it’s nothing. Dinner’s ready.”
“Okay, I’ll be right down.”
Eve turned to leave but paused and looked back toward Lily. “I consider you my best friend, too, Lily.” Her voice was just above a whisper. Lily swallowed hard and opened her mouth to speak but no words came.
Eve left the room and closed the door.
Chapter Fourteen
Last Tattoo (Rehab)
January 2004
Lily nervously sat on the black leather sofa in the waiting area of the tattoo parlour. She was surrounded by blue walls and cabinets packed with all manner of paraphernalia from mugs to messenger bags. There was a smell of disinfectant permeating the air and the sound of buzzing filled the large space. The thud of her pounding heartbeat throbbed in her ears.
The Girl Before Eve Page 9