by Anna Brooks
“Go back to bed,” he growls.
“No.” I back away from him as he prowls after me.
“Now is not the time to fuck with me, Polly.” His voice takes on a sinister tone.
As he gets closer, I make a split second decision and throw the bottle as hard as I can across the room. It lands against the edge of the island and explodes. The smell of fermented grains fills the air and almost overpowers the anger rolling off Erik.
“You don’t need that.” I stand tall, satisfied with my decision. Erik may act tough and strong, but I see the moments of weakness when his eyes cloud over. I saw it the first time I laid eyes on him. We’re so much alike, strong on the outside to mask the pain on the inside.
Instead of answering me, he prowls closer. “You shouldn’t have done that.”
I back up until my knees hit the couch. “I’m not scared of you.”
He stops so fast his body rocks. “You think you need to say that to me? Jesus. I’m fucking everything up again.” Running his hands through his hair, he turns his back to me and disappears up the stairs. A minute later, I hear a door slam.
Since I made the mess, I clean up the vodka while he cools off. I know he’d never hurt me, but he needed to know that I’m not backing down when it comes to him.
I go through three rolls of paper towel and finally get it all cleaned up without a scratch on me. As I’m washing my hands, I examine the fading scar from where I stabbed myself last time I cleaned up glass, and it slams into me like a boulder. I run upstairs and barge into the bathroom, praying he’s not doing what he did last time.
He’s standing under the water naked, with his forehead resting on the tile. His arms hang limp at his sides and his shoulder sag in defeat. When I stick my hand inside, the cold water pelts my skin, and I reach over and shut it off. As soon as I do that, his body begins to quiver, so I grab a towel and wrap it around him. I rub his body up and down, taking the chill away until he stops shivering.
He’s way bigger than I am, but I tug at him until he finally moves. He’s doing it on his own accord, but I feel like I’m pulling a grizzly bear with how heavy he is. Making it to the bed, I feel my knees hit the mattress, and I fall to my butt. Erik’s legs are between mine, and the towel is long gone. His cold skin chills mine when he runs a finger along my cheek. Then down to my chest and back up again. The torment in his eyes brings a tear to mine, and when his thumb parts my lips, I don’t hesitate to open.
I knew this was coming, and I want to give it to him. I want to be this for him. Because he’s my crutch, so if he needs to use me like this, I welcome it with open arms. Kind of hard to avoid when his naked body is directly in front of me and his hard dick is pointing at my mouth. He told me; he warned me from the beginning this is how he was. He either drank or fucked, and since I demolished the former, he’s going to need the latter.
He slides his thumb inside my mouth, pulls it out, and then cradles the back of my head with both of his hands. I scoot toward the end of the bed, and he thrusts into my mouth. His eyes don’t leave mine, but his fingers get tighter around my hair. Instead of pumping in and out of my mouth, he uses my head like it’s his hand. Up and down fast as can be. And Lord almighty, it turns me on. I wish I could just roll over and have him take me from behind, but it’s not about me right now. He pulls me back just before I gag but doesn’t let up his pace. The sting on my scalp doesn’t hurt at all. Instead, it spurs me on even more.
He needs this.
I need this. I need to know I didn’t scare him off with what I told him. That he still wants me like this. The thoughts I had scared me, and if the roles were reversed and he suddenly threw on me that he wanted kids, I’m not exactly sure how I would react. Probably poorly. Just like he did.
The movement of my head stops, and he suddenly switches up the pace. I reach up and grab onto his wrist with one hand and the other cups his balls, my finger reaching out to massage the sensitive skin.
“Christ, so fuckin’ good,” he mumbles, and his movements become erratic. When his salty flavor hits my tongue, I relax my throat while he stills and comes in my mouth. His fingers loosen, and he closes his eyes and drops his head. I swallow around him, and after a second, he pulls out and falls to his knees.
His arms wrap around my calves and he rests his head on the tops of my thighs. I run my fingers through his hair and wait with bated breath.
“I’m sorry. I’m so damn sorry.”
I don’t know what he’s apologizing for. “You don’t have anything to be sorry for.”
“No, I do. You took… I was taken off guard.” His shoulders tense. “I didn’t want to be a dad when Sophia told me she was pregnant. My thought process wasn’t very welcoming back then. Even when I told her I was coming to terms with it, I was lying to her. It’s not that I even had an opinion either way on the subject, but when the reality of being a father… that I would be responsible for a life, when I couldn’t even manage mine the right way… it was just another thing I would fail at, so my natural reaction was to fight.
“When I got the call that she had died, the first thing I thought about was the baby. And like you’d said earlier, you didn’t even realize you wanted it and it was taken away. That’s how I felt… except it was real. There was a real baby growing in her belly, half of my blood, the only blood aside from mine that was still alive… and it was dead because of me.”
It’s so hard listening to his voice crack—the big strong guy who from the outside looks untouchable. He’s had to hide this for far too long, and I hate that he has to relive these feelings, but my guess is he’s never said them out loud. He’s probably never faced them because when he would start to, he’d drown his sorrows one way or another.
“A part of me died, too. With them, a part of me was gone. Any good parts of me went into the ground with them, and I decided from that point on that I wasn’t allowed any goodness. I didn’t deserve it. Not only with my mom, but also with Sophia and the baby—I was nothing but a goddamned pussy. To them and to myself as well. I always called my dad a coward for ending his life just because my mom was gone. He still had me, and he fuckin’ abandoned me. I didn’t understand it. All I could think was that it was my punishment for not protecting my mom.”
“You were young, Erik. Especially with your mom.”
“Doesn’t matter. I knew better. I knew better than to answer the door for those men, and I knew better than to let Sophia go that night. The guilt… the damn fuckin’ grip it’s had on me has been hell. I was content with being miserable and feeling sorry for myself. I was just waiting for the devil to come up and take me, drag me down to live eternity burning because that’s where I belonged. But then I realized living without my family, without her and the baby we created together, was worse. I was living an even worse version of hell.”
He stands up and pushes me to my back on the bed and then straddles me. Like before, he cradles my face, but gentler this time. “But then I met you. And for the first time in what felt like ever, I actually saw a light. I saw the sun instead of the clouds, and when I realized the pull you had on me, I tried to push you away because I knew you could do better. And before you argue”—he holds a finger to my lips—“that was before. Before you walked away from me and before I gave myself the permission to love again. To be with someone who makes me feel alive.”
When a tear falls from my eye, he wipes it with his thumb. Maybe other women would get upset hearing him talk about his ex, but for me, it just goes to show that he’s a caring, devoted, and worthy man.
“I have never, not once, thought about a future that consisted of a family. Not back then and not up until about an hour ago. So I freaked the hell out.” His lips tilt up into a smile. “But I freaked out because I could see it. I can picture a family with you. I could see a little blond-headed girl in pigtails running around the yard with a puppy chasing her.”
I laugh at the image he creates because it’s similar to what I pictured too, except
it was an auburn-haired boy running around.
“I won’t lie to you; I don’t know if I’m ready for that right now, but if it were to happen this instant with you, the thought only scares me a little.”
“That was you being scared a little?”
He gets off me and rolls to his side. “I’m sorry… for the way I reacted, for the alcohol, and everything. I just. I haven’t even told you I love you yet, and you hit me with something like that so out of the blue, and I fucked up. I reacted so badly, and I wish I could do it over, but—”
“Did you really just say that you love me?”
“Yeah,” he whispers. “I did. Because I do.”
When I swallow, my throat burns, and tears sting my eyes again. “Really?”
“Yeah. I fell in love with you the moment I saw you.”
“I’ve nev—” My words cut off as I try to articulate what I want to say. “I’ve never heard those words before.”
His handsome face, so expressive with the different emotions running through us tonight, softens as he runs his thumb along my cheek. “That’s a shame, baby, because you’re really lovable.”
“I don’t know exactly what love feels like. I’ve never felt about someone the way I feel about you. Like… when I’m not around you, it’s harder to breathe, and when you touch me, nothing else matters. When we’re together, I finally feel whole, like a piece of me has been missing my entire life, and I didn’t even know it.”
He smiles. “Yeah, I’d say that’s love ’cause that’s what it feels like for me, too. But there’s also this… primal need to protect you that I’ve never experienced before. My dad used to tell me that until I found a woman who made it so that I wanted to punch a man when he even looked at her, I wasn’t truly in love.”
“I’d like to have met him.”
“He was pretty damn cool. They got taken from me too early, but I was lucky enough to have them at all.”
“Yeah. I don’t even know who my parents were. Or are, if they’re still alive.”
“I hate that for you.”
I shrug. “Never really put much thought into it, I guess.”
“I’m really sorry I flipped out earlier. But know that I’ll make it up to you, I promise that. When it does happen, I won’t be anything but overjoyed. And I’ll be the best dad I can; I’ll try really hard to be the kind of man my kids can look up to. Right now, I wouldn’t be, and I need to change that.”
“I don’t agree with that.” He’s the kind of man who I’d be more than proud to be the father of my children. Children… It’s still so new to me, but I’m going to embrace the fact that I have something to look forward to.
He moves over, slides beneath the covers, and then holds them open as I go to my side. He pulls me to him, my back to his chest, and I hold his hand with my own.
“Love you, Polly.”
“I love you, too.”
Chapter 15
Erik
It hurts to not laugh right now, but the way she’s throwing a fit over burned eggs is kind of cute. We woke up this morning wrapped up in each other the same way we fell asleep last night. I feel like that was a turning point in our relationship. Marriage and kids is something that, if you’re going into a relationship long term, should be discussed. And now that is has been, now that I got the initial shock out of my system, we can move forward. Besides, heavy shit’s been too rampant between us so far, so I’m looking forward to the good stuff.
“I can go get more eggs.”
“No.” She tosses the pan into the sink. “Goddammit.”
“It’s just eggs, Polls.” I come up behind her and cage her in, gripping the edge of the countertop. “We can go grab something else.”
“But I should be able to cook my boyfriend breakfast.”
My heart does a little kick when she says that. “Your boyfriend?”
“You are not going to tell me after what happened last night that I can’t call you my boyfriend!”
I chuckle against her neck and nip at her ear. “Of course, you can. You can call me whatever you want as long as you come home with me every night.”
Her shoulders shake, and I realize she’s crying. Turning her in my arms, I hold her close. “Stop cryin’, baby. You’re killin’ me over here.”
“Don’t tell me to stop crying. A lot has happened in the past twenty-four hours, and I’m allowed to feel how I want to feel without you telling me to stop. For the first time in my entire life, I had somebody tell me they love me and want to have a family with me, and it’s a lot to process. I can’t even cook him breakfast, and it makes me sad! Especially since I’m on my period and my hormones are going crazy.”
“That explains it.”
She pulls her head off my chest to look at me. “Explains what?”
“Why you’re so moody.”
Her eyes flare, and her little fist hits my shoulder. “You can’t say that!”
“What?”
“That I’m moody.”
“Uh. You just did.”
“That’s because I can. You can’t.”
“Noted.” I snap my mouth shut and hold my hands up in surrender.
“Good.” She kisses my cheek, and if it wasn’t attached, my head would spin. How the fuck is she going to go from pissed to sad to happy in a matter of minutes? “Now, do you want to go get breakfast? Then we can go grocery shopping. I’d like to get a cookbook, too. I’ve only ever cooked for myself, and it consisted of prepacked crap.”
“We can go wherever you want.”
“Okay. Thanks, handsome.”
I give her a wide berth while we get ready and I’m pleased that she’s chatty and happy in the car. Deciding that I want to have better memories at the best pancake restaurant in town, I go back to where I took her before.
When we get a table, I sit next to her and toss my arm around her shoulder. Breakfast is amazing—seriously, the best pancakes ever—and when Polly licks the maple syrup from her finger, it gives me all sorts of ideas. We’re now at the bookstore looking for a cookbook. “I think I need like a cooking one-oh-one,” she says to me.
“Whatever you want, babe.”
We browse a little, and she finally picks a couple, and even I grab one for grilling. After we check out, we go to the grocery store. I walk behind her and push the cart while she rides on the wire bottom. She’s my height like this, and when she turns her head, her lips are begging for me to kiss them. So I do. She tries to pull back, but I grab her head and keep her lips on mine. When I slide my tongue across them, she doesn’t budge. I pull back just enough to speak. “Open for me, baby.”
“We’re in the middle of the bread aisle!”
“I don’t give a shit.”
“Well, I do.” She has a slight panicky look in her eyes, so I give her this play.
“Okay. No PDA.”
“It’s not that. I like it when you hold my hand or have your arm around me, but making out in the grocery store is a little too much for me. I’m sorry.” Her palm rests on my cheek.
“Don’t ever apologize for telling me how you feel. But you know what this means, right?”
“What?”
I lean in closer and run my tongue along the shell of her ear. “If I follow your rules in public, you have to follow mine in private.”
Her brow rises on one side in the most adorable way possible, and she laughs. “Is that supposed to be a threat?”
“No.” I start pushing the cart again. “It’s a promise.”
“I’ll hold you to it.”
While we’re going up and down the aisles, we grab random items, hoping we’ll have what we need to follow some of the recipes in the books we bought. When we get to the candy aisle, I stop in front of a section of chocolate and begin grabbing different kinds.
“What are you doing?”
“Getting stocked up.”
She comes up behind me and smacks my shoulder. “Don’t be an ass.”
“What?” I shr
ug and grab some caramel-filled bars. “Now that I know, I want to be prepared for next month.”
As I’m reaching for chocolate-covered raisins, she walks down the aisle and comes back with a few things. “Can’t forget about taffy.”
I hide a chuckle when she digs through the cart to see what’s already in there and then scrutinizes the displays before grabbing a couple of things I missed. “Don’t judge me.”
Laughter erupts from deep in my stomach, and she smiles at me. Who would have thought a trip to the grocery store would be so fun? I guess when you’re with the person you love, anything can be fun. That’s what everyone wants to find in this life; someone to share it with. And now that I’ve found her, there’s no way I’m ever letting her go.
* * *
“You can’t beat the shit out of anyone who looks at her wrong, Erik. Jesus fuck, man.” Brad paces in his office, and I lean on the door, unaffected by his words.
“He didn’t look at her wrong, Brad; he fucking grabbed her ass and put his disgusting mouth on her neck.” My hands shake just thinking about it again. “I’ve kept my cool in the past. You can’t give me shit for defending her. Not only because she’s my girlfriend but also because she’s an employee of yours. You want assholes coming in here thinking they can get away with that shit in your club, then you hired the wrong man to head up your security.”
“You broke his nose!”
“He fought back. All I did was grab him by his arm and the back of his shirt. He was the one who made the mistake of trying to swing on me. It was one hit; he’s just a pussy.” It’s hard not to smile at the satisfaction I remember feeling when his bone crunched under my hand.
“Dammit, Erik, this isn’t a joke.” Brad raises his voice, and I stand up straighter.
“I don’t think it is, either. But this is why you hired me. You knew this kind of shit would happen, and you needed someone to remove the nuisance before it became a problem. There’s always one drunk asshole who tests the limits. They say shit to Polly, and I ignore it; they try to get her number, and I don’t do shit. But the second someone puts their hands on her, I move in. It doesn’t happen every day, Brad. But it’s inevitable. You know this.”