The way Charlie emphasized the word home made it clear to Nan that it meant much more to him than just a place. She let herself helplessly coast on the feeling for a moment before shaking her head in an attempt to untangle her knotted feelings.
“Everyone’s out back,” Nan finally said. “I was just sneaking away for a cigarette.”
She wished she’d come up with something, anything else to say, knowing she sounded just like the silly young girl he’d last seen ten years before. But he surprised her.
“Would it be okay if I joined you?” he asked. “I’d rather walk in with you than go in on my own. You know, draw less attention that I’m crashing the reception.”
Nan tried to calculate how long she’d be able to maintain her equilibrium near Charlie. All the things that had kept her up the night before pushed hard against the wall in her mind she tried hiding behind. She concluded not thinking too much would be the most prudent approach. Although her instincts had never been all that worthy of following, standing here in front of Charlie she didn’t believe there was much choice.
“Wait right here while I get my cigarettes,” she said hurrying for the stairs.
Nan flung herself backward on her bed once she reached the safety of her room. What the hell was wrong with her? This was exactly what she’d been afraid of. What Buddy had been afraid of. Just hearing about Charlie, much less actually seeing him, had awakened something long dormant in Nan. And now he was here.
But what could she do? Hide upstairs for the rest of her brother’s reception? That would be absurd. The next best thing would have been to keep a safe distance from him, but since they’d already come face to face, that was no longer an option. So now what was the plan? She was going to have to think on that some as nothing bubbled up to the surface right away.
Nan grabbed a cigarette and a book of matches. She took a deep breath at the top of the staircase to steady herself before she began to descend. Charlie was waiting for her at the bottom and Nan was very aware of him watching her. Her stomach did another flip and her hand reflexively clenched the cigarette she held.
“Ready?” Nan asked as she reached the landing.
“Ready,” Charlie replied and fell in step behind her.
Nan led him out the front door to the porch. Turning to face him, she laughed nervously as she tried several times to keep a match alive long enough in the breeze to get her cigarette going. Charlie pulled a lighter out of his pocket, the same Zippo style as Buddy’s.
“Allow me,” he said lighting it for her before lighting his own.
“Thank you,” Nan said, carefully avoiding his eyes.
“Wow,” Charlie started. “That must have really hurt,” he said pointing to the now eggplant colored bruise on her elbow. It stretched halfway down her forearm and looked like one of those keloids she learned about in grade school. The kind you’d get if you couldn’t get under your desk quickly enough after an A-bomb was dropped. Very attractive, Nan appraised silently.
“Yes, I, uh, stumbled earlier at the church.”
“I saw,” Charlie said, looking both sympathetic and bemused. “At least this time you didn’t fall, right?”
Nan didn’t mind the good-natured way he ribbed her about the day at the ledge years before, not at all in the humiliating style of her brothers. Charlie’s eyes crinkled and he reached to move a wisp of Nan’s hair that blew in her eyes. The gesture was both innocent and electric.
“You noticed,” Nan replied, laughing despite her tension. “And where were you this time Charlie?”
He chuckled.
“I considered diving over the woman in the floppy purple hat to catch you, but I didn’t think her husband would appreciate it.”
“Well, thank you for thinking of me,” she said giggling.
“Give me another chance, though” he said. “I won’t let you down again. I promise.”
Charlie crossed his heart as he spoke.
“I’ll hold you to that,” Nan teased.
It felt so good to be standing here talking and joking with Charlie like this. It felt so right.
“So, the little boy at the church, the one carrying the rings. Is he yours?”
The subject of CJ was far more serious than her clumsiness, but he was her son and she felt it was important that Charlie know about him. Maybe not all of the circumstances just yet, but that he was hers, definitely.
“Yes, that’s CJ,” Nan told him. “He’s almost five. I…I’m divorced.”
“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. Oh geez, I mean about the divorce. Not that you have a son.”
Charlie whacked his forehead with his palm.
“It’s okay Charlie. I knew what you meant.”
She really did know. It hadn’t occurred to her at all that her having a child would bother Charlie in the least. He had been a gentle person when they were younger and was always kind to the little kids in the neighborhood. And from his lopsided grin, he didn’t seem the slightest bit disappointed hearing that Nan was single. The elevator in the pit of her stomach lurched down one more floor.
Looking back on this moment, Nan would later realize it had been her first opportunity to end the charade, nipping in the bud any romantic notion of Charlie she might be entertaining. But when all was said and done, it had been one of many chances she’d ultimately squander. The nipping wouldn’t come until later, and then it would resemble more of a slash.
“He looks so much like you. He has your eyes,” Charlie said.
“Thank you,” Nan replied with some surprise. The comparison was rarely made given CJ’s molten red hair in contrast to her own dark brown tresses, but Charlie was right. The green eyes came directly from her.
“So tell me what you’ve been up to,” Nan insisted, sincerely wanting to hear how things had been for him. Charlie told her about some of the places he’d seen, like Hawaii and Spain, skimming briefly over his time in Korea. Nan listened quietly, enjoying the sound of his voice as he described the adventures he’d had.
“I’m taking leave in November. They’re letting me finish up my time here in Portsmouth and I’ve been toying with the idea of becoming a cop when I’m done. What do you think of that Nan? Could you picture me as a member of Portsmouth’s finest?” he asked.
“Beep, beep…it’s the fuzz” Nan kidded, punching his arm lightly and resurrecting yet another memory.
“No fair, you’re a girl,” Charlie protested. He made Nan smile.
As obvious as it was, Nan failed to pick up on the irony of his career choice just then. She could only picture Charlie doing something noble and worthy, as if he could ever do anything else.
“Seriously though, I think you’d make one heck of an officer Charlie. You care about people and it shows. You haven’t lost that at all.”
It was hard for Nan to say this, knowing full well the innuendo that could be applied to her words, but she really believed it, so said it anyway. Appreciation for her opinion was evident on Charlie’s face. They stood looking at one another for an extra minute.
“Are you ready to head out back?” Nan stammered, breaking the silence.
She took a final drag of her cigarette and put it out in an ashtray she kept hidden behind one of the love seats.
“Sure,” Charlie said agreeably, stubbing his out as well. “I can’t wait to see everyone. You know, I guess I tried hard not to think about it while I was gone, but I’ve got to say, I really missed you guys.”
“We’ve missed you too Charlie,” Nan said honestly. I missed you is what she didn’t say.
Chapter 5
Charlie held the door for Nan and then walked beside her through the dining room. He commented on all the changes to the place, and as they entered the living room with its finely appointed décor and spectacular view of the festooned backyard, Charlie whistled slowly.
“Holy smokes, if it wasn’t for the river out there, I wouldn’t believe for a second I was in the same place.”
“I know what you m
ean,” Nan agreed. “It’s all different.”
They paused at the doorway.
“But still just the same,” Nan heard Charlie say. She looked up at him, surprised by how closely they stood together. Too close. Her hands fumbled around for the knob, and as it turned, Nan unexpectedly stumbled through the open doorway.
“Are you okay?” Charlie asked her, catching her sore elbow.
“Yes,” she yelped. “The door…it sticks sometimes.”
She could hear Etta James soulful voice singing ‘At Last’ from under the tent. Damn, that was Arthur and Laura’s song, which meant they were already in the middle of their dance. Nan hoped that everyone, specifically Buddy, would be too preoccupied to notice Charlie and her arrive together.
“Here, follow me,” Nan said, leading them toward the gathering. Ducking down slightly, she eased them to a vacant spot near the bar where they had a clear view of the dance floor. Nan’s eyes darted around, intent on locating her brother. He was nowhere to be seen. There was no way he’d have left already so Nan needed to stay on her toes.
Her mother, another concern of sorts, was still sitting at the table with Joe, watching Arthur and Laura as she absentmindedly stroked CJ’s hair. Nan made a mental promise to herself that at some point during the time Elsie and Joe were gone, it was going to be her tousling CJ’s hair and kissing his cheek.
The familiar pang of resentment at how motherly the exchange looked was quickly replaced with a surprising touch of gratitude that CJ was so loved. Nan knew without question Elsie would lie down her life for that child and never think twice about it. This feeling of appreciation was quite new and different for her and she wondered if standing here next to Charlie might be having an effect. Whatever it was, it felt good and light and made her tentatively optimistic that things could be okay.
Charlie shifted behind her and Nan suddenly felt his breath gently stir the baby hairs on the back of her neck. Goose bumps pricked her arms and she swallowed hard. Having him so near forced the air from her in an audible “huh” sound. She closed her eyes.
“What?” Charlie whispered in her ear. More goose bumps.
“Nothing,” she said without turning around. “Nothing at all.”
Opening her eyes, Nan caught sight of Elsie watching them with an attentive expression. Jumping abruptly enough to startle Charlie, she took a step away from him. Nan cast a guilty glance toward her mother, who was now sitting on the edge of her chair, eyes probing. Elsie had seemed pleased when she’d heard Charlie was coming the night before, launching into a series of fond recollections.
“That boy ate so many dinners with us,” Nan’s mother told a visibly bored Joe, “it was more of a surprise when he wasn’t there than when he was. I remember his eyes best, though. Deep, thoughtful…and almost always blackened,” Elsie had finished sadly.
Fondness aside, the unease on her mother’s face at this moment was undeniable. Relax mama, Nan thought as she wrung her hands. Don’t do anything rash. Elsie would never dream of making an obvious scene (how very uncouth), but the woman had a way of getting her point across that rivaled being hit in the head with an anvil.
The song ended in a round of applause and Arthur kissed Laura.
“Once again, I present you Mr. and Mrs. Arthur Bower,” the DJ called. “Now all you guys and gals, we’re going to pick it up a notch here with ‘At the Hop’ by Danny and the Juniors.
The space around Nan and Charlie cleared some as guests moved onto the dance floor. Nan backed away a little more.
“How about a drink?” Charlie asked, raising his voice a bit to be heard above the music.
Nan nodded.
“Champagne?” he asked.
“You remember?” Nan asked, surprised but not really.
“Of course I remember,” Charlie said. His expression told her that he remembered it all.
“Yes…champagne,” Nan replied, wondering for the first time if she might be dreaming. Such a small gesture, but it meant so much to her. Charlie would know that.
With the dance floor crowded now, Nan’s view of Elsie was blocked and her apprehension eased some, though she still saw no sign of her brother. Part of her was glad about that, but she would have felt better knowing his whereabouts instead of having him catch her off guard.
Tapping Nan’s shoulder with his pinky, Charlie held her drink out. She took it and smiled as swirling bubbles raced toward the top of the golden liquid.
“To friends?” Charlie lifted his glass.
“’Til the end,” she replied grinning.
Nan couldn’t shake the feeling that layers of time were overlapping in a most confusing yet welcome way. Surreal barely scraped the tip of describing it.
“All right then,” the DJ crooned over the speakers. “Now that we’ve got your heart pumping, let’s ease back into a slower groove with the Platters and ‘My Prayer’.”
A number of people vacated the floor, leaving a few couples including Nan’s married brothers and their wives. With the space emptied of bodies, Nan had a clear shot of her mother once again. Elsie had settled back into her chair, but caught Nan’s wary glance.
Charlie took a sip and lowered his glass.
“Wow, is that your mother?” he asked disbelievingly, following Nan’s gaze. “She looks so… glamorous. Is that really her?”
Despite the tightening knot in her stomach, Nan wanted to laugh. Of course, Charlie hadn’t seen her mother since Elsie had traded housedresses for haute couture and a head rag for her weekly coloring appointment at Serendipity. Charlie had yet to meet the renovated Elsie.
“Let’s go say hi,” he said, starting toward her mother’s table.
Oh boy, Nan thought. Please, please, please mama, she prayed.
“Mrs. Bower,” Charlie said with genuine happiness as they neared. He leaned down and kissed Elsie on the cheek. Nan was amused to see her mother blush.
“Charlie,” Elsie replied, the hard lines in her face softening as she took his hand. Charlie’s reference to Nan’s mother as ‘Mrs. Bower’ reminded Nan again of the years gone by since she’d seen him. Elsie stood up and gave him a warm hug. Nudging Joe she said:
“It’s so good to see you Charlie. It’s been such a long time! I want to introduce you to my husband Joe. I’m a Hamilton now.”
As if that was some sort of accomplishment, Nan groused silently. Elsie neglected going so far as to tell Charlie she’d married Joe a few months after Sam died and Nan wondered what he would think when he heard this little bit of information.
“And since you seem to have gone off and grown up, please, call me Elsie.”
Nan was sort of amazed to see Joe stand up straight and begin energetically shaking Charlie’s hand.
“Joe Hamilton. Good to meet you son.”
Her stepfather was visibly impressed with the bars and stars he saw on the uniform Charlie wore and was indulging her friend with a real handshake, rather than the obligatory grip and grin.
“Korea?” Joe asked, pointing at the bronze medal on Charlie’s chest.
“Yes sir. Served up until the end.”
“Good for you, son,” Joe said in an unusually paternal tone. “You stationed over at the yard?”
Nan reached to remember a time when she might have seen Joe look so respectful, but couldn’t readily think of one.
“Yes sir. I’m a free man in November and thinking of settling back down here. There’s a lot to see out there in the world, but Portsmouth is home. Always has been.”
“Well welcome home sailor. Welcome home,” Joe said patting Charlie heartily on the back.
Nan looked at her mother. Who’s this guy, Nan inferred, pointing her thumb at Joe. Elsie shrugged her shoulders.
Joe invited Nan and Charlie to join them at the table, and unable to quickly come up with a reason to decline, Nan looked at Charlie to see what he thought.
“Why not?” he said.
Before they sat, Nan had one more person that Charlie needed to meet.
“Charlie, this is my son, CJ.”
Nan looked at her mother to see if she would interject something snide, but Elsie stayed silent.
Charlie extended his hand, enveloping CJ’s small one in his own.
“Hi CJ. It’s nice to meet you,” he said.
CJ regarded Charlie.
“Are you a pilot?” he asked.
“Nope. I’m a sailor. I wanted to be a pilot, but I’m afraid of heights,” Charlie replied.
Nan saw by Charlie’s expression he wasn’t joking. In hindsight, it occurred to her she couldn’t remember seeing him climb the tall oak trees out back with her brothers a single time when they were young. And yet, he still pulled her up from the ledge without hesitation.
“You are?” Nan asked.
“A chink in my armor,” he replied, winking as he pulled out a chair for her next to CJ. He took the one beside her.
“I never been on a boat before,” CJ said. His tone was factual, but Nan thought she heard a hint of want in his statement.
Before Charlie could respond, CJ was done and turned his attention to Nan’s mother.
“Grandmama, can we have cake?” he asked. Elsie looked over at Nan, welcoming her to say something in light of the not-yet-forgotten cookie incident, but Nan just rolled her eyes and stayed quiet.
“Not yet,” Elsie responded. “When Uncle Arthur and Aunt Laura cut it, then everyone can have some.”
Nan jumped when she felt a hand clamp her shoulder. She looked up to see Buddy staring coldly at her. So there he was. So much for staying on my toes, she thought. He’d removed his jacket and tie, and rolled up the sleeves of his shirt. Regardless of his relaxed dress, Buddy’s lips were tight and unsmiling. Overcome by a sudden wave of anger, Nan narrowed her eyes at him, mutely warning him to back off. She shook his hand from her shoulder as Charlie noticed him.
“Hey Buddy!” Charlie exclaimed, jumping up and clapping her brother’s arm. “How are you man?”
“Good,” Buddy replied, shaking Charlie’s hand, but still not smiling. “I been good. Long time, no see, huh?”
“At least ten years my friend. Still down at the docks?”
“You kidding me? I’ll take my last breath down there, mark my words. So what about you? Uncle Sam still got his hooks in you?”
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