Nan's Story

  “You’re gonna’ be a-okay, Nan” Buddy said taking her hand.

  “How do you know?”

  “Bower power sister. We know how to fight and we know how to win,” he replied with a wan smile.

  “Heath?” she questioned.

  Buddy didn’t answer, the tentative smile leaving his face.

  “Tell me.”

  “He’s dead, Nan.”

  She closed her eyes trying not to cry.

  “He was going to let me bleed to death,” Nan began sputtering quietly. “He was going to let me die.” Her voice caught. “He didn’t want to get in trouble.”

  She covered her face with her hands as her breath hitched in short bursts. She felt Buddy pull her close.

  “Look, you didn’t have a choice. You’re right. You would have bled to death. That fucking coward. He got what he deserved,” Buddy spat.

  What had she done? She was a murderer. She was going to go to jail. She was going to go to jail for everything. And didn’t she deserve it? Her never ending selfishness and stupidity had all led to this. She wasn’t fit to be a mother. She wasn’t fit to be a human being. Images of lying on a steel bunk alone in a cell for the rest of her life flashed through her mind.

  “Oh God, what am I going to do?” she wailed against her brother’s leather jacket.

  Buddy eased her back against the pillow.

  “Nothing,” he said. “You’re coming home with me. It’s over.”

  “What do you mean ‘it’s over’? Jesus as soon as somebody finds him…there’s blood everywhere! My blood!”

  “Listen to me, and listen to me good,” Buddy said gently, holding her face so that she had no choice but to look at him.

  Before he could say more, the man he’d been talking to stepped into the room and cleared his throat. Buddy released her face and turned to look. The stranger was dressed casually underneath a white coat and stethoscope hung from his neck. A doctor, she thought, although the room she was in looked more like a library than a hospital.

  “I’m sorry to interrupt,” he said to Buddy. “I’m going to have to stop by the clinic to pick up a few things your sister may need tonight. I’d prefer you stay with her until I get back.”

  “Of course,” Buddy replied. “I ain’t goin’ anywhere.”

  “Miss Bower,” the doctor said, addressing Nan. “You are very lucky your brother found you when he did. It’s a bald faced miracle you didn’t need a transfusion and it’s a certainty that you would have bled to death within a few hours without help.”

  “Who are you?” Nan rasped.

  “I’m going to let you and your brother talk. Mr. Bower, I’ll be back shortly,” he replied without answering her question.

  “No problem,” her brother said. “Call me Buddy,” he added, standing and giving the doctor’s hand a brisk shake.

  “Buddy then,” the man said and left.

  Nan closed her eyes.

  “Tell me everything,” she said.

  Buddy hesitated before he spoke, seeming to measure out just what he thought she needed to know right now, but she urged him.

  “Everything Buddy.”

  “Okay,” he sighed. “Ma called me around lunchtime,” he started. “I could tell right away something was wrong, you know? She wasn’t crying or anything, but her voice was…I don’t know…jittery. She told me you called her.”

  Buddy paused and she opened her eyes.

  “How did she know it was me?” Nan asked, remembering how carefully silent she’d been on the phone.

  “I don’t know,” Buddy replied, clearly puzzled by that as well. “I asked her the same thing since she told me no one answered when she said hello. I figured she was just worried about you and the call pinched her last nerve is all. But it really was you?”

  “Yeah,” Nan sighed. She didn’t offer any more details about the call, wanting to block out all memory of the small, depressing room.

  “Anyway, she asked me to drive to Portland and see if I could find you. She had your address you know,” Buddy said. “She just pull that out of her hat too?” he asked.

  “No. I gave it to her,” Nan replied, relieved that her mother remembered it. Shortly after she and Heath moved into the crooked little house, Nan had shot off a postcard to Elsie. There had been a colored picture of the Portland skyline on one side, and though she’d tried and tried to think of something light and witty to write in the blank space on the back, she had given up and just scribbled:

  See you soon. Love, Nan.

  She included her return address, but Elsie never wrote back.

  “Good,” Buddy replied. “I was starting to think she was a fuckin’ gypsy.”

  He gave Nan a lopsided grin, but she could see from his narrow eyes that the humor only reached so far.

  “Anyway, I got to Portland okay, but had one hell of a time finding the place. Had to stop twice and ask directions. By the time I found it, it was almost full dark. How’d you end up there Nan? Jesus, what a friggin’ dump.”

  “I don’t know,” Nan replied softly. “He promised it would only be for a little while. But honestly? I didn’t push him much on it. I mean hell, I walked out on CJ. Turned my back on my own flesh and blood like he was some piece of trash. Do you think I really deserved anything better?”

  Nan’s lip trembled as she pictured her son. Regret and shame washed over her. Buddy took her hand and went on.

  “So, I finally find the house, but it looked like no one was home. No lights or anything. The car was in the driveway though, so I knocked. No one answered so I opened the door and called for you. I didn’t want to go in, you know. I wasn’t afraid of trespassing or anything. In fact I hoped that piece of shit would come out swinging and give me a good excuse to kick his ass. But something in my gut told me that shit was really out of whack even before I found you. And him,” Buddy spit the word.

  “I thought you were dead Nan. Jesus, it felt like a fucking sucker punch, you know? I couldn’t even breathe. Then you finally made a noise and I knew you were alive. Thank God you were alive,” he said, his voice thick.

  “I don’t remember much,” Nan replied, her voice shaking. “I remember hearing you yell something and coming over to the bed, but not much after that.”

  “Your teeth were chattering. Sounded like that fake set of dentures Arthur had when he was a kid. You know the ones that wound up and jittered around on the table?”

  “I remember,” Nan said. It was an unsettling image.

  “Heath was on the floor,” Buddy recalled. “I didn’t know he was dead right off, and to tell you the truth, I didn’t give one shit. I didn’t know exactly what had happened to you, but I knew that motherfucker was to blame one way or the other. He’s lucky I didn’t give his head a swift kick for good measure.”

  “Oh Christ Buddy. I killed him. I killed a man,” Nan said, alarm edging into her voice. “I’m going to jail, aren’t I? Oh my god…oh my god,” she repeated, nearly drowning in the waves of fear crashing over her.

  “No. You are not going to jail. Like I said. The only place you’re going is home with me. Listen to me Nan, and listen to me good.” Buddy said, cupping her chin in his hand.

  “No one’s gonna know anything. You need to trust me on this. There’s nothing for anyone to find.”

  Nan was confused and having difficulty comprehending what Buddy was trying to tell her.

  “Did you hear me? There is nothing for anyone to find!” he repeated.

  “I don’t…I don’t understand,” Nan answered numbly.

  Buddy abruptly stepped back from her and pulled a cigarette out of his jacket pocket.

  “Want one?” he asked, offering the pack to Nan. She shook her head, not feeling strong enough to hold it between her fingers. Buddy lit his, puffing until a small cloud of smoke filled the space between the two of them.

  “You were pretty out of it when I found you, but you told me enough to figure out what happened. Once I had that, I knew I had to
get you out of there. First things first, you know? I was a little scared to move you, but I had to get you out of there…” Buddy repeated, trailing off.

  “What happened to Heath? Is he still there?” Nan asked with apprehension.

  Buddy inhaled deeply from his cigarette a few times, collecting his thoughts before answering her.

  “He’s gone Nan. Listen, I don’t want to tell you too much, but you gotta’ at least know the bare bones. After I got you into the car, I drove around for a little while trying to figure out what to do, but I knew I didn’t have a lot of time. I stopped at a pay phone to call a friend and get some, you know, advice.”

  “Oh shit, you told someone about this?” Nan asked incredulously.

  “Don’t freak out Nan. I mean, do you really think I’d do something to make this whole thing worse?”

  “Of course not. I’m sorry. What happened?”

  “Well, this ‘friend’ owes me a couple of favors, you know?”

  Nan didn’t quite know all the way, but she understood that in Buddy’s job down at the docks, sometimes you had to look the other way. You could do it willingly, like Buddy, and rack up a few ‘favors’ in the process, or you could do it with someone’s hands around your neck, twisting forcefully. Either way you did it because not doing it was never an option. Nan nodded. Who was she to pass judgment on Buddy anyway?

  “So, he gives me the address of this guy,” Buddy said, waving his hands around the room they were in, “and offered to clean up the mess.”

  “Clean up the mess?” Nan asked, wondering, and yet knowing full well, what that meant.

  “After I got you here,” Buddy continued without answering Nan, “and was sure you were going to be okay, I went back to the house.”

  Buddy put his cigarette out in an ashtray on the desk.

  “It’s kind of funny, you know? On my way there, I found myself reciting the 23rd psalm. I didn’t even know I remembered the words ‘til that minute, and the only time I ever said it out loud was the three AA meetings I went to. Yeah, I went,” Buddy said in response to Nan’s raised eyebrows. “Decided it weren’t really for me,” he explained before going on.

  “The car was gone, I noticed that the minute I pulled up out front. I didn’t bother to knock and the door was still unlocked, so I went in.”

  Nan saw the Adam’s apple in Buddy’s throat bob as he searched for more words. The pain in her abdomen had subsided to a dull thud, but was now accompanied by a small stab of anticipation. Whatever Buddy would tell her next would dictate the rest of her life.

  “It was empty. The whole house was empty, including the bedroom. No bed, no chair, no nightstand. Even the carpet had been pulled up. The walls were still damp in spots like they’d been just washed, but there was no blood. There was not one single, solitary drop of blood in that entire place.”

  “Cleaned up the mess…” Nan whispered.

  “Cleaned up the mess,” Buddy confirmed.

  “Where did they take him?”

  “I have no idea and don’t wanna’ know. And neither do you, Nan,” Buddy said with finality. “It’s over. If anyone asks, you just say you left him, and leave it at that. Once you get better, I’m taking you home.”

  “Where’s home?” Nan asked, realizing that she didn’t really have one now.

  “To ma’s,” he said as Nan started to cry.

  “Look Nan, it’s just best if you lay low, you know? Stay at ma’s for a while, let some time pass. Why’s that so bad, huh?”

  “It’s not bad Buddy, I’m just not sure that mama wants me back. Or CJ for that matter. Isn’t he really better off without me? Jesus, look at my life? Look at my life!” Nan said, her voice rising.

  “You didn’t see her face when she asked me to come find you,” Buddy replied. “She didn’t just ask, she begged. And CJ? He’s still a baby. Give him a couple weeks and he’ll never even remember you were gone. It’s best this way Nan. Look, you’re gettin’ a second chance. Don’t blow it. Just move on with your life and don’t look back. Don’t look back.”

  Chapter 15

  Charlie was devastatingly quiet as Nan finished her story. She hadn’t looked up at his face once as she spoke, instead lurching forward until he knew everything. Nan imagined she could feel Charlie’s gaze at the top of her head, his eyes narrow with revulsion.

  “Charlie? Please say something,” she asked her cheek still on Charlie’s chest.

  “I’m…I don’t…” Charlie stammered.

  Nan lifted her head and Charlie turned away. She felt something sharp in her ribs when she realized he couldn’t meet her eyes.

  “Hey,” she started softly. “It’s okay. It’s horrible, I know.”

  “Yeah,” Charlie agreed staring up at the ceiling.

  “I…I didn’t mean for it to happen. Charlie, you have to believe me. I didn’t know what else to do…” she said trailing off.

  He didn’t respond and Nan felt the pain in her ribs twist uncomfortably.

  “I’m sorry Charlie.” Nan’s voice rushed out in a hurry, desperate to fill the empty space between them. “I’m so sorry.”

  “There’s just so much Nan,” Charlie replied after another full minute. “So much to think about…”

  He cupped both hands behind his head and continued to look straight up.

  Old, familiar guilt wrapped itself around her shoulders and she dropped her face in disgrace. Nan wasn’t stupid. She knew that shooting her husband, regardless of the circumstances, wasn’t her only sin, or even perhaps the worst thing she’d done. Well before that blood soaked moment, Nan had turned her back on her son. She’d let her own need for comfort smother her maternal instinct, discarding CJ as blithely as tossing a smoked cigarette from a car window. Factor in the abortion and Nan saw no possible way Charlie could forgive her.

  “I know,” she moaned. “I didn’t want to tell you, but there was no other way. I thought I owed you an explanation.”

  He didn’t answer. Nan sat up abruptly feeling humiliated yet a bit defensive as she fished around the bed and floor looking for her robe. The speech she’d been working on all afternoon, the one where she’d have to tell him they couldn’t be together, had ultimately proved unnecessary. Charlie wasn’t asking her to be with him. Nan’s story had given him everything he needed to walk away, maybe even run, and never look back.

  Nan found what she was looking for and stood, letting the robe drape loosely around her body. She didn’t bother tying it but held it together with her fingers, giving her shaking hands something meaningful to do. Charlie sat up and Nan turned her back as he dressed.

  His footsteps softly crossed the room and she heard the sound of the door opening and closing. Nan waited until she was sure he left the house before sliding to the floor where she sat for hours, sometimes crying, sometimes staring vacantly into the dark of her room, before falling into a welcome, dreamless sleep.

  Nan awoke to a gray murky light, her body stiff and cold. She saw by the clock on the nightstand that it was only six-thirty and cocked her head to listen for CJ. Satisfied he was still asleep, she stood up and let her robe drop from her shoulders in a pool on the floor at her feet. Nan looked down at her curves, where not even twelve hours before, Charlie’s hands had explored freely. She tried to impress the memory of that feeling in her mind, locking it up as if a treasure she might be able to peek at once in awhile at some future point.

  Nan was hoping that by the time Elsie and Joe returned home around noon she’d have herself mostly intact, but the mirror told her she’d have her work cut out for her. As she looked into her own eyes by the light of pre-dawn, she saw them fill with tears and watched as they rolled down her cheeks. She wondered if it was possible to never stop crying and imagined being buried someday with tears still wet on her face.

  CJ woke up around seven, smiling and chattering away. He’d dreamt about sailing and Nan’s heart twisted as he recounted scenes similar to those from their picnic a few days before. When he a
sked her if Charlie would be coming over that day, Nan dug her fingernails into her palms to steady her voice as she told him she didn’t think so. Thankfully, CJ didn’t press further and they went about their morning together.

  Nan was curled up in one of the big wicker loveseats on the porch watching CJ play in his yard when Elsie and Joe pulled into the driveway a few hours later. She’d been again thinking about getting a job, and maybe eventually, a place for her and CJ. Nan didn’t move to greet her mother and Joe, never taking her gaze from her son.

  “Nan?” Elsie said, rounding the corner of the house. Joe was at the car struggling to pull a bulky grandfather clock from the back seat.

  “Hi,” Nan said, glancing quickly up at her mother. It only took that one brief look for Elsie to see that something was very wrong with her daughter.

  “What’s happened?” Elsie asked, appearing alarmed that Nan might have hurt herself. Or God forbid, CJ.

  Nan couldn’t answer, but instead dropped her head to her chest and started to sob. Elsie was speechless at the ache in Nan’s weeping and sat down on the cushion next to her. She wrapped her arms around Nan, pulling her close, and stroked her hair.

  “Shhh. It’s okay Nan,” Elsie repeated over and over. She waved her other hand at Joe, pointing at CJ, indicating he should come get the little boy. Nan never lifted her head from her mother’s shoulder when Joe called for CJ to help him at the car. As CJ passed by his mother and grandmother locked in a rare embrace, his eyes grew wide with wonder.

  Once he was out of earshot, Elsie held Nan’s face in her hands, looking her daughter in the eye.

  “Tell me what’s going on,” she said, and Nan spilled everything. Since she had never spoken to her mother about the events that brought her back to Portsmouth, it hadn’t occurred to her that Elsie didn’t know all the details. Nan assumed that Buddy told her, but by the expression on her mother’s face, it was clear he hadn’t. In pure Elsie style though, she didn’t skip a beat.