But what else was she supposed to do? She was doing good things at the Foundation. People and charities depended on her work. She couldn’t simply surrender control of that. She had hoped to slowly move Reuben into a position of more responsibility, but because of the strangeness of his actions the past few weeks, she might even have to think about letting him go.
A thread of fear wrapped itself around her heart. Right now, more than ever, she needed people she could count on.
And she didn’t know where she could find them. Rachel was pulled back to the moment by Reverend Fraser’s words.
“…so how do we get ourselves so wound up? By thinking we are in charge of our lives, when really, we aren’t.
“Sometimes God lets us go our own way to let us find out for ourselves that our souls are restless until they turn to Him. So now I want to close with the words of the Psalmist from Psalm 139. ‘If I settle on the far side of the sea, even there Your hand will guide me, Your right hand will hold me fast.’”
The words resonated through the building and came to rest in Rachel’s heart. She had turned her back on God. She didn’t trust Him. And yet, in spite of that, she had never been able to subdue completely a vague restlessness in her. She had never been able to say without any doubts, that God did not exist.
Yes, she still mourned Keith’s death. Yes, thinking of how she lost him still made her feel vulnerable. She still wondered why God had not answered her prayers. She didn’t know the answer to that. No one would.
But she knew she could not deny God’s presence in her life as easily as she had. She had felt His familiar touch today. It had brought back memories of a time when she was closer to Him. When she had struggled to serve Him in everything she did.
She also realized that her work at the Noble Foundation recognized God’s challenge that she wasn’t on this world to serve herself.
As the service wound down, she felt herself return to reality. She needed to assimilate what she had just discovered, think it through, and she knew she couldn’t do that if she stayed to talk.
As the last song was sung, she slipped out of the pew, avoiding Pilar and anyone else she knew.
An hour later, Rachel pulled Gracie’s stroller out of the car and settled her in it. She draped the diaper bag over the handles, double-checked to make sure she had everything, and then headed off down the shaded asphalt path that wound along the edge of the park. As she walked, she let the quiet of the park, the warmth of the sunshine and the whisper of the leaves on the trees surround her.
In the distance she could hear children laughing. The shouts of a group of men. And for the moment she felt anonymous.
“Hello, hello,” Gracie cooed at passersby as they walked.
Everyone who saw her smiled as she dispensed her easy charm. Once in a while someone would stop and bend over to talk to her. Then she would curl her head away, almost coyly, and blink her long eyelashes. Rachel had to laugh. So young and already flirtatious.
Rachel ambled along, content simply to follow the path. She had much on her mind and much to absorb. This morning she had once again felt God’s presence, His love. And it called to emotions from her past that had always been there, even before Keith. To her surprise, being in church, hearing God’s word being spoken, singing praises to Him, had opened up a space she had closed off completely. She still wasn’t sure she was ready to let go as fully as she had been encouraged to do, but maybe she was willing to give God a second chance. When she had the time.
“Heads up!”
The loud warning cry accomplished what it was supposed to. Rachel’s head snapped up—
Just in time to see a football sailing toward her. She ducked and spun Gracie’s stroller around to protect her.
The ball fell harmlessly in the grass a few feet from her, and she straightened in time to see Eli jogging toward her. Again he was wearing blue jeans. But today he wore a T-shirt. He scooped up the ball, then turned to her just as she came to face him.
“Sorry about that,” he said. Then a huge grin split his face as he recognized her. “Hey there, Rachel. I didn’t expect to see you here.”
Rachel may have forgotten about Eli’s Sunday afternoon football game. But she hadn’t forgotten the soft green of his eyes and his crooked half-smile. Nor how tall he was as even in his bare feet he topped her in her shoes by a good six inches.
“Hey, yourself,” she said quietly, feeling curiously breathless.
“Eli. Eli,” Gracie called out, lifting her hands up to him.
Eli bent down to Gracie. “How are you doing, princess?” he asked, tucking a curl behind her ear. “Are you being a good girl for Rachel?”
“Go church,” she said, clapping her hands.
Eli glanced up at her, lifting one eyebrow as if questioning her.
“I thought I should,” she said with a light shrug. “I know my parents always bring her.”
“And how was Reverend Fraser this morning?” Eli stood up, tapping the football against the side of his leg.
Rachel held his gaze, sensing a mild mocking tone in his voice. “Actually, he was very good.”
Eli seemed to pick up on her sincerity. “That’s good.” He pointed the football at the large bag hanging from the handles of the stroller. “You figure on being gone for a couple of weeks?”
Rachel laughed. “No. I packed a snack for me and Gracie. Just coffee, milk and cookies. I was looking for a nice quiet place to eat it.”
“There’s a group of tables tucked under some trees a ten-minute walk from here. There’s a playground close by for Gracie. I could show you if you like.”
Rachel didn’t think it would be that hard to find. As far as she knew there was only one path that wound through the park, but at the same time, she sensed an unspoken invitation in his offer.
“That would be nice.”
Eli batted the football against his other hand. “Just let me get rid of this and get my sneakers back on and I’ll show you.”
Rachel nodded, her gaze holding his as something almost palpable whispered between them. He took a few slow steps backward, then turned and jogged back to where his friends were waiting, calling out to him to hurry up.
Rachel drew in a slow breath, feeling for a moment as if she was allowing herself to head down a completely different path. She watched as Eli joined his friends. She saw him hand the football over to a tall man with dark hair. She heard laughter as he retrieved his sneakers, then the whole group looked across the open grass to her, and her cheeks burned. It was like high school crushes all over again.
This was a mistake, she thought, yet she was reluctant to move. It would be over in a few minutes, she told herself. It would be good to spend some time with Eli. She could ask him a few more questions about Gracie.
Gracie wiggled in the stroller as they waited. “Want to go. Go now.”
“We will, sweetie,” Rachel said, rocking the stroller to settle her down.
Finally Eli was walking across the grass toward them. His friends were still laughing but Eli was pointedly ignoring them.
And as he came closer, Rachel felt it again. The hint of attraction. The whisper of a promise. She wanted to ignore it. To push it aside.
But when Eli smiled at her, she found she couldn’t.
Chapter Nine
“So how has Gracie been?” Eli kept the question casual. Tried not to sound like a doctor when he asked it.
“So far so good.”
Rachel kept her eyes on the path, which was a good thing, because Eli had a hard time keeping his eyes off her. She wore her hair loose again and it was like a swath of gleaming silk flowing over her shoulders and down her back.
“It looks like the ear infection is going away,” Rachel continued. “At least she hasn’t had any more fevers.”
“That’s good.”
And that was lame.
Unfortunately he couldn’t think of anything profound to say at the moment, so he sauntered alongside her, trying t
o look more confident than he felt.
If he was honest with himself, there was something about this woman made him feel gauche. He usually didn’t have a hard time talking to women, and though he dated occasionally, he had never allowed anything serious to develop. He preferred order to his life, and at this point, he didn’t feel he was ready to pursue a serious relationship.
He wasn’t sure why he was pursuing Rachel now. She wasn’t the kind of woman he would normally be attracted to. But in spite of his initial negative impression, she stayed in his thoughts with a tenacity that surprised him. He tried to be practical and analytical about his attraction to her. Tried to dissect it. Tried to analyze the feelings away. He wasn’t ready for someone serious in his life. He wasn’t where he wanted to be.
He glanced sidelong at her. And caught her doing the same to him.
She didn’t look away, and he couldn’t, either.
“So how is your work going?” He had to ask about that, if he was going for casual. That would be the normal thing to ask about, right?
Rachel couldn’t stop the faint sigh that escaped her lips. “I have been trying to meet with a client for the past week and she’s been evading me. We are having a hard time connecting her with a charity that she can get excited about.”
“Is that part of what you do for the Foundation? All I know is that your parents are very proud of what you’ve done there.” It was that pride that had created a curiosity in him to meet this woman that Beatrice and Charles Noble talked so much about. He wanted to know more about her. What she did. Who she really was.
Because in spite of his initial reaction to her, she intrigued him.
Rachel gave him a quick sidelong look. “You really want to know?”
He returned her puzzled look with a smile. “Yes, I do.”
So as they walked she explained what the Foundation did. How they set up fund-raising activities, how they monitored the nonprofit organizations that applied to the Foundation for money. As she talked she grew more animated, her hazel eyes sparkling, and Eli grew even more fascinated by her.
“The hospital is also supported by the Foundation on an ongoing basis,” she was saying. “Though, we have had a problem with the cash flow lately.”
“I understood from your parents that the Foundation was well endowed.”
“For the most part it is, but lately we have had quite a few new charities starting up and asking for funds. All of these need to be investigated, which is also what we do for prospective clients who want to make sure their money is being used wisely and well. And for some strange reason, we’ve lost potential donors the past few months.” She stopped herself and gave him an apologetic smile. “Sorry. I tend to start rambling when I talk about the Foundation.”
“Not at all,” he said. “It’s always interesting to listen to someone talking about something they are passionate about.”
Rachel gave a little laugh. “My friends seem to think I’m married to my job. They just don’t understand how important the Foundation is to me. What working there has done for me.” She looked up at him, her eyes shining with an intensity that called to his own dedication to his work.
And in that moment, he felt a spark of connection.
She was still looking at him when a movement caught his eye. He pulled his reluctant gaze away in time to see some young boys on bicycles bearing down on them full speed. Eli grabbed the buggy with one hand and caught Rachel’s arm with the other. He dragged them both out of harm’s way just in time to feel the breeze of the boys whizzing past them. A halfhearted apology drifted behind the boys as they sped away.
Rachel stopped, glanced back over her shoulder, then up at Eli. “What was that?”
“Teenagers,” he said, suddenly reluctant to release her arm.
Rachel laughed at that, and if Eli was intrigued before, he was fully captivated now.
“I didn’t even see them coming,” she said, breathless now at their near miss. “Thanks for rescuing me.”
Eli was still holding her arm, though not as tightly as he had when he pulled her away. And she was still looking at him.
Rachel was the first one to look away and then she slowly pulled her arm out of his hand. Her hair slipped over her face, hiding her expression.
“Here’s the playground I was telling you about,” Eli said.
“I have lots of coffee and an extra cup. Would you like to join us?” Rachel glanced up at him again, her lower lip caught between her teeth.
For a moment she looked like an unsure schoolgirl, which gave Eli enough encouragement to accept.
He helped Gracie out of the buggy while Rachel took out the Thermos and the cups. Gracie wriggled loose from him and toddled off to the playground. Now and again she would look back over her shoulder, as if to make sure they were still watching her.
“Is she always going to have that hesitation in her walk?” Rachel asked, watching Gracie struggle to climb over a wooden board, the only barrier between her and the sandbox.
Eli nodded, watching her, as well. He sat down beside Rachel, facing the sandbox so they could keep an eye on Gracie. “Unfortunately the only thing we can do for her is try to make sure she doesn’t lose what mobility she has in her arm and leg.”
“Will it get worse?”
“Hopefully not.” He smiled as if to reassure her. “But overall, she’s a happy girl.”
“She is now.” Rachel laid the napkins on the table side by side. “I know how nasty other girls can be. Once she reaches middle school, it can get pretty brutal.”
“What makes you say that?” Eli was surprised at the muted anger in her voice.
“What happened to my friend, Anne,” Rachel said.
“The horrible teasing she endured because she was a bit ‘different.’ I don’t want to see it happen to Gracie.”
Eli laid his hand on her shoulder with a light touch. “It doesn’t have to happen that way,” he said quietly.
She looked up at him. “I suppose not. But since I started taking care of her, I can’t believe how defensive I am starting to feel for her.”
“When I first met you, you seemed uncomfortable around her.”
Rachel lifted one shoulder in a casual shrug as she looked away. “I was.”
“Why?”
Rachel bit her lip, hesitating, then looked back at him. To his surprise, Eli saw pain in her eyes.
“It doesn’t matter.”
“Why do you say that?”
“It’s part of my past. A part I’m trying to forget.”
“The past is hard to let go of,” Eli said. He should know. He had struggled himself with memories of his natural parents. He was six when they died and still remembered them. When he came to the Cavanaughs, they didn’t seem to know what to do about the hurt in his life. So they didn’t talk about it. “Whether we like it or not it is part of who we are.”
Rachel sighed lightly, glancing back again at Gracie. “I know it has been a large part of who I am, yet I feel like that’s changing.”
Eli heard the pain in her voice. “Is this something to do with why you hate hospitals?”
Rachel nodded, half turning away from him. For a moment he thought she wasn’t going to answer him. But then she pulled her knees up to her chin, wrapped her arms around them and started talking.
“I spent a month in the hospital eight years ago,” she said, her voice so quiet that Eli had to strain to hear her. “I sat at the bedside of the young man I thought God had destined for me to marry. For four weeks, I prayed for his recovery. I know too well how a respirator sounds, the beep of a heart monitor. But my prayers didn’t make a difference…”
Her voice hitched on the last word, and Eli understood where the story was going. He brushed aside his uncertain feelings toward her and covered her hand with his in a gesture of sympathy.
To his surprise, she curled her fingers around his, clinging to him, and as she did, a place slowly opened deep in his heart.
“The
first time I saw Gracie was in the hospital. I couldn’t help make the connection.”
She looked up at him and Eli was surprised to see a single tear slide silently down her cheek. He took his other hand and gently wiped it away. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I didn’t know.”
Rachel drew in a shuddering breath, then looked down at their linked hands. “You don’t need to be sorry. I was making bad conclusions.” She sniffed and glanced back over her shoulder to where Gracie was playing. To Eli’s disappointment, she pulled her hand away from his and walked toward Gracie.
When she came back she was talking to the child, avoiding his gaze, but Eli didn’t care. He realized that in these past few moments she had shown him a part of herself he suspected few people saw.
“Can you push her buggy closer to the table and lock the wheels?” Rachel asked, in control now. “She’ll eat better if she’s sitting down.”
As she set Gracie down in the buggy, Eli poured the coffee, a mixture of feelings swirling through him. He wanted to find out more about Keith. Wanted to find out more about Rachel. But he knew that he had to follow her lead. So he switched to the ordinary.
“The coffee smells good.”
Rachel handed Gracie a cookie and took her cup from Eli with a smile of thanks. She rested her elbows on the table and slowly inhaled the scent of the coffee.
“I was thinking about this all morning in church,” she said, then took a careful sip.
“You don’t usually go to church, do you?” Eli asked.
Rachel shook her head as she set her cup down, avoiding his gaze. “No. God and I haven’t seen eye to eye for some time now.”
“So given that, what made you go to church this morning?”
He felt as if he had to know. He used to go himself. He could understand why she would turn her back on God after such a disappointment. His own disappointment, his parents’ death, had been much, much longer ago. He still harbored resentment over it, resentment that had grown when he was a teenager. And again, when he discovered that his adoptive parents had stopped him from asking questions about them, had held back pictures of them.
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