by Amy Durham
And somewhere inside, I know I could make the same choice for myself. I could choose love over bitterness. Life over death.
Dad turned, and without another word, got in his car, and drove away. Leaving Mitzi stunned and speechless in the parking lot.
Before I even had a chance to process what I’d seen, Adrian and I appeared in my living room. I could tell from the clothes my mom was wearing that this was the day I’d dreamed about two nights ago. I breathed a sigh of relief that I wasn’t going to witness the moment Dad first admitted everything to Mom.
I didn’t think I could survive that.
Adrian’s arm slipped around my waist, and I leaned into him, welcoming the sweetness of his presence.
“I’m still in shock, Jason,” Mom said, tears spilling down her cheeks. “I just never imagined.”
“I meant what I said,” he replied, his voice laced with tenderness. “No excuses. I’m totally responsible for my actions. And I will work as long and as hard as I have to, to earn your trust again and put our family back together.”
Mom nodded. “I believe you. I do. But I can’t make you any promises. I don’t know when, if, or how I’ll ever be able to move beyond this.”
“I know that, Donna. I’m not asking for promises. I just hope the door’s not shut and locked yet. I know I don’t deserve another chance, but I guess I’m selfish enough to ask for it anyway.”
“You’ve done a lot of selfish things lately,” Mom said. “But hoping for a chance to keep our family in tact isn’t one of them.”
“Does that mean you’ll agree to counseling?”
Mom stood and walked over to the fireplace, her eyes fastened on the family photo sitting on the mantle. “We’ve spent a lot of years building this family. This life. I’m hurt and angry and betrayed, and my knee-jerk reaction is to tell you it’s over forever. But I can’t do that. There’s too much invested to throw it away without trying.” She took a deep breath and continued. “And despite it all, I still love you.”
“I love you, too,” Dad whispered, standing to walk toward her. He stopped short of touching her, as if he knew she would not accept it. “Always have and always will.”
“When Zoe gets home we’ll talk to her about counseling.” Mom turned and walked toward the kitchen. “I’m sure we’ll start out individually, but eventually she’ll need to be involved. She’s a part of this too.”
“Yes, she is. And I know I’ve really damaged things with her.”
“She’s not going to be receptive toward the idea right now.” Mom pulled a chair and sat down at the table. “But she’ll come around. It will just take a while.”
“As long as it takes,” Dad said, dropping into the chair beside her. “As long as it takes.”
Mom offered him a small smile, not a full-blown grin, but a hint of a pleasant expression that told me she believed him. Something in my heart lifted with that smile, caused the hope inside me to multiply.
Outside the house, I heard a car door that I knew was mine. Looking back once more at my parents, I saw them lock eyes and nod toward one another. Even in the midst of all the heartbreak, they were putting up a united front. For my sake.
Suddenly, I was in an unfamiliar place. A bank, by the looks of the long counter with several cubicle stations and people with their checkbooks in hand.
My dad sat across the desk from a man in a suit and tie.
“You want to close the entire account, Mr. Gray?”
“Yes,” my dad answered. “And I’d like a cashier’s check for the balance.”
“Of course,” the banker replied, opening a folder and reaching for a pen. “Do you mind me asking why you’re closing the account?”
Dad shook his head. “Not at all. I was saving for a fishing trip to Canada with some friends next summer. But another expense has come up, so I’ll just have to postpone the trip.”
I knew about the trip he’d been saving for. He’d been talking about it for an entire year.
The moment seemed to fast-forward before my eyes, until I saw the banker hand my dad a check. The two of them stood, shook hands, and my dad walked out of the bank.
I felt Adrian’s hand tighten on mine just before we jumped to a new place.
I recognized this scene as my dad’s office, him sitting behind his desk. The phone was pressed to his ear, and I could hear his end of the conversation.
“Yes, anonymous,” he said into the receiver. “If you have to, tell her that you re-filed with the insurance company and they reconsidered.”
He waited a moment then said, “Thank you.”
We flashed to a new place before I could blink. Mom sat at our kitchen table, some sort of bill open in front of her. She shook her head in disbelief and picked up her cell phone.
“I need to speak to someone in billing,” she said.
I waited, hoping I would somehow be able to understand what was happening.
“This is Donna Gray,” she began. “I received a statement that I no longer owe money for a biopsy I had in January, along with a refund check for the money I already paid toward the bill. I don’t understand.”
Biopsy? Did my mom have cancer? Fear slammed into me, hard and strong.
Adrian leaned close and whispered, even though I knew Mom wasn’t going to be able to hear us. “Your mom had a biopsy of some skin on her back. Your parents didn’t tell you because they didn’t want you to be afraid. The lesion that was biopsied turned out to be benign. But the insurance didn’t cover much of the cost, and the test was expensive.”
“Is that even possible?” Mom asked, snapping my attention back to her. “For the insurance company to reconsider and decide to pay in full?”
It dawned on me then. Dad had taken his vacation savings and paid the bill for Mom’s biopsy. Stepping closer, I looked for the date on the medical statement.
I felt tears fill my eyes as I realized the report was dated two days after Dad died. He’d done this just before the accident that took his life. And he hadn’t wanted any credit for it.
I turned to Adrian and wrapped my arms around him. Closing my eyes, I held on tight.
And opened my eyes to the lush beauty of the clearing.
Chapter 24
I didn’t sit up right away. The emotions were too fresh, and Adrian’s arms were just too soothing. After a moment, I pushed myself up, pulling my knees to my chest and resting my chin atop them. I should say something. Thank him for showing me. Talk about what I’d seen. Something.
But I had no idea what to say.
Adrian saved me from babbling. “It’s okay if you need to just be quiet and let it all sink in.”
I nodded, took a deep breath, and told him the one thing I thought I could manage without crying. “I think it helped. No, I know it did.”
Even after his enormous screw-up, my dad was still a hero.
“I’m glad.” He reached for a strand of my hair, winding it around his finger as had become his habit.
“Can I ask you something?” I locked my gaze with his. “Something unrelated to what we just did.”
“Of course. You can ask me anything.”
“What happens after?” He looked puzzled, so I clarified. “After your job here is done. What happens? Do you just go away? Are you allowed to stay here? Do you have choices about college and your career?”
“I’m not really sure what happens after,” he said, his fingers sliding along my jawline. “I’m sure the Boss isn’t going to want me to be a high school dropout or anything.”
He was being jovial. But I was seriously concerned. “I don’t want you to have to go.”
Adrian leaned closer, his hands finding my cheeks and cradling my face in his palms, causing my pulse to spike. He kept leaning until his our noses touched and his eyes seared into mine.
“He has a way of making sure things work out the way they’re supposed to,” he whispered, then closed the distance between us and melded his lips with mine.
I love yo
u.
The words were right there, begging to burst free as we kissed in the shade of the trees. I wanted to say them. Badly. But a small part of me – the part that still wallowed in the misery I’d become accustomed to – screamed at me to stop.
Fear held me back. Fear of rejection? Fear of being unworthy? I wasn’t sure, but I hated it. Hated the fear in a way I’d never thought possible.
I shoved the fear away, forcing it back to wherever it came from. Wrapping my arms around Adrian, I basked in this moment with him. He’d given me so much and asked for nothing in return. He’d given me back my life. Shown me how to forgive. Given me the chance to love again. I would not let the dark thoughts cloud my time with him.
And those three words… I tucked them away and held them in my heart. The moment would come, soon, and then I would give them to him.
Chapter 25
“I want to talk about Dad.”
I could tell by the way Mom gripped the back of the kitchen chair that I’d surprised her.
Setting a pitcher of lemonade and two glasses on the table, I slid into my seat. We’d just returned home from church – a practice Mom had not let me get out of, despite my reckless summer – and were about to sit down for lunch.
“I’m glad,” she said, dropping into her own seat. “And surprised. I’d begun to think you never would.”
“It’s still not easy.” I poured my drink and stared at the yellow liquid, afraid if I looked at her I’d start crying before the conversation even got going. “I’ve dreamed about him lately.”
“Oh Zoe,” she whispered, reaching across the table to take my hand.
I kept going. “And I realize that I need to forgive him so that I can go on with life.”
“Yes.” Her voice cracked on the word.
“I’m still really angry. I feel betrayed. But I also feel so guilty for the way I treated him. The things I said. Things I can never take back or apologize for because he’s gone. And he wasn’t a bad person. I know that. He made a bad choice, but he was a good man. And I loved him.”
With that the tears ran down my cheeks and the lasagna on the table lost all appeal.
“I did too.” Mom’s grip on my hand grew tighter and in broken syllables she responded. “Just because he’s gone doesn’t mean you can’t apologize. He knew you didn’t mean those things, but if you need to say you’re sorry, I believe he’s listening and will hear you.”
I nodded, unable to say much else. My chest heaved with sobs that had waited too long to escape.
Mom rose from her place and came around to my side of the table. Sitting in the seat next to me, she wrapped her arms around me and pulled me into her embrace.
How could I have forgotten how this felt? How a mother’s arms could heal? How finding comfort with my Mom could ease the pain? And now that I’d finally let her share my grief, I couldn’t stop the well of emotion that bubbled over.
She held me that way for what seemed like hours, while I cried every tear I’d held back since April. When the sobs began to subside, her shirt was soaked and my throat was dry, but her arms were still tight around me.
“I felt all those things too, Zoe,” she said, her voice soft and warm. “I was so angry at him. Sometimes I still am. I was absolutely betrayed, and it felt horrible. And I’ve felt guilty. I said hurtful things to him, too. I said things out of anger that I didn’t mean. I know you never heard them, because we never wanted you to see the ugliest part of things. But you need to know that you aren’t the only one who said things and then regretted them.”
“Could you have forgiven him?” I asked, my voice hoarse and weak.
She stroked her hand through my hair, the way she’d done when I was little. “I already had.”
“How can you be sure?”
“Because I still loved him,” she whispered. “I didn’t trust him, and that would’ve taken a long time to rebuild, but I loved him. And I knew that as long as the love still existed that I could forgive. Maybe that would’ve meant that we worked things out eventually. I’d like to think so. But we’ll never know.”
“It’s hard not knowing.” I straightened, brushed my hair out of my face, and looked at her for the first time since the crying jag began.
“It is. Knowing he was willing to go the distance to try makes it a little easier. And I do believe that, Zoe. That he was sincere about doing whatever it took.”
“I believe that, too,” I whispered. “I believed it then. Before he died. I just didn’t want to admit it.”
“Your father made mistakes,” she said. “Big ones. He hurt us. But we don’t have to stay in that hurt forever. We can choose to live. We can choose to let life take us down new paths. We can choose joy.”
“I’m getting there.” I grabbed a napkin from the table and wiped the wetness from my cheeks.
“Does a certain handsome motorcycle rider have anything to do with that?”
“Yeah,” I admitted. No sense denying it, although telling her the extent of Adrian’s involvement in my return to the land of the living was probably not the best idea. “He makes me want to be better.”
“Well, since that’s the case, I can maybe get past the motorcycle.”
She grinned at me and I laughed. She laughed, too, and I realized we’d just had our first normal mother-daughter moment since our world crashed down around us.
It felt good.
And I felt more whole than I had in a long time.
Chapter 26
Knocking on Vivian’s front door wasn’t easy. I had so much to atone for. I’d mistreated my best friend for months, and just when things were getting back to normal, I screwed it all up again.
She might not be ready to forgive me, but I needed to apologize so that at least she’d know how truly sorry I was.
The smile on her mom’s face when she opened the door told me that Viv hadn’t talked to her family about our falling out. It was possible she’d confided in her older brother, Jack. They’d always been close. But since he was off at college, I probably wouldn’t run into him.
“Hi Mrs. Rogers,” I said, forcing a smile even though I felt meek as a mouse.
“Zoe,” she said, wrapping an arm around my shoulder and ushering me into the entryway of the house. “I’m so glad to see you. It’s been too long.”
I nodded. “I agree. Much too long.”
“I hope you and your Mom are doing all right. I know these have been very difficult months.”
“We’re doing better,” I answered. I felt a deep happiness at the honesty of those words.
“Vivian is upstairs in her room. Go on up.”
With a smile and a whispered thanks I headed up the staircase. My hand grasped the polished wood of the banister, and with each step I forced myself to breathe normally.
Vivian’s door was open, and as I approached her room I heard music and the clicking of computer keys. She was probably working on homework. I figured she wouldn’t welcome my interruption, but I wouldn’t take long. I’d say what I came to say and then leave.
Her desk faced the window, so as I stood in the doorway her back was to me. For a moment, I considered turning around and forgetting about everything, but I owed her more than that.
“Viv.” I knocked softly before I lost my nerve.
She turned and said nothing. Just stared.
Well, I’d known it wouldn’t be easy.
Stepping into the room, I shut the door behind me because no way did I want her mom overhearing.
“I won’t stay long. I just came to apologize. For everything.”
“Okay.” She sounded skeptical.
“I know you probably won’t believe me, but I wanted to talk to you. You were the only one I wanted to talk to about everything.”
“Then why didn’t you?” she asked, getting up from her seat at the computer desk to sit beside me on the bed.
“I’m not sure,” I said, shrugging my shoulders and staring at the floor. “When Dad first came clea
n with Mom and they told me they were separating for a while, my first instinct was to pick up the phone and call you. Then I started thinking about saying it all out loud, and…” I stopped before I choked on the words, and took a deep breath. “I was just so ashamed. So embarrassed. And I knew you wouldn’t look down on me or anything like that, but I guess I thought if I just didn’t talk about it, it would be like it wasn’t real.”
“I can understand that,” Viv whispered. “I guess I can’t really understand how you felt, but I can see why you didn’t want to talk about it.”
“Several times I almost told you, but I never had the guts.”
“It’s not really about guts,” she said. “It’s about your heart. It was broken. And I get that. I really do.”
“Then, just when I thought maybe I could talk to you about everything, Dad died, and… I don’t really know exactly how to put it… I just kind of fell down inside myself and tried to forget.”
“And that’s where Courtney and Nikki came in, right?”
I looked up at her then. I wanted her to see the truth in my eyes. “It was never about choosing them over you. Never. I wanted to forget, even if it was just for a little while. And I thought it was working. I thought the drinking and being reckless was helping. But it wasn’t. In the end it just made things worse. I was ashamed of myself, because I knew the way I was acting was wrong. I avoided some of the guilty feelings by avoiding you. And I’m so so sorry that I ever thought avoiding you was a good idea.”
“I wasn’t jealous of the two of them, you know?” A sad smile spread across her face. “As if I’d ever want to be anything like them. I knew what you were doing, and even though it hurt, I wasn’t mad. I just hated the thoughts of you with those two.”
“I never intended to tell Adrian the truth about my parents before you. It all just sort of happened by accident, before I even knew him very well. He found me out by the horse farm one night after I’d barely avoided a fight with Mom. Everything was just right at the surface. All the raw emotions. And I just blurted it out that Dad had an affair. Then once it was out there, I couldn’t stop all the rest of it from coming out.”