by Raye Morgan
“No.” She shook her head. “Oh, no. I don’t want to intrude. I just...” She shrugged helplessly.
He grinned and came out to join her on the porch, closing the door behind him.
A burst of laughter came from inside the house. Sara frowned. “Was that man on the couch the man from the other night?” she asked.
“My buddy Starman. That was him.”
“What are they here for?” she asked.
“They just want me to join them on a little pleasure cruise,” he said, his mouth twisting.
“What?” she asked, puzzled.
He sighed. “I was being sarcastic. They’ve got a project going, a quasi-military operation they think I should join them in. A sort of revenge plot off in the jungles of Southeast Asia.”
Sara shook her head emphatically. “You can’t do that.”
He looked surprised. “I can’t?”
“Of course not.” Here it was, custom made for her purposes. He had to face the fact that taking possession of a baby would make all the difference. He had to come to terms with that before he tore all their lives apart.
He was shaking his head. “That’s a knee-jerk reaction. You don’t know what it’s all about.”
“No, I don’t. But I do know that you can’t go.”
He frowned, looking almost angry. “Really?”
“Yes. If the DNA comes in as you expect it to, you can’t go. You’re Savannah’s father now. You’re not a lone wolf warrior type anymore. You’ve got a responsibility to your baby.”
He blinked and raked fingers through his hair. “I understand that. And believe me, it’s not easy. I’ve got things tugging at me in more than one direction right now.”
She reached out to touch him. It happened so naturally, she didn’t realize what she was doing until it was too late.
“I can see that you’re torn,” she told him, her hand on his chest. She gazed earnestly into his blue eyes. “But you have to understand that Savannah has to be your first priority. She’s the most important thing in the world. To both of us.”
He raised his own hand and covered hers, but he was watching her in a strange way, as though he didn’t quite get where she was coming from. And in truth, she didn’t get it, either. Savannah was either his or hers. She couldn’t have it both ways. Could she?
“Don’t worry,” he said, his voice husky with some raw emotion she couldn’t quite place. “I understand how important she is. Believe me. I understand.”
Something special passed between them, something human, a connection she’d never had with anyone before. It sent a thrill through her, but it sent a warning shiver as well. She and Jake had strings between them that could never completely be cut. It was very strange, but it was real.
“I’d better go,” she said, pulling her hand away and looking toward the ocean. “I...I just wanted to stop by and...well, I was looking at the progress at my house.”
“Oh,” he said, following her to her car. “How does it look?”
“Great. You’ll have to come over and see it soon.”
“I’d like to.”
She tried to smile at him. “I guess we’ll see you tomorrow at the birthday party.”
“Sure.”
She nodded, got into her car and left. Looking in her rearview mirror, she could see him standing there, watching her go.
* * *
Jake was back first thing in the morning, out on a swing in the backyard again. Jill thought it was cute. Sara thought it was obnoxious. Connor didn’t have an opinion.
“Do we have anymore of that Praline Rum Cake?” he asked instead of dwelling on it. “That would make a spectacular breakfast.”
Jill smiled and mussed his hair. “I know. And that’s why you’re not getting any. Oatmeal for you, darling.”
“What?”
“Somebody’s got to keep an eye on your waistline.”
“My waistline is doing fine,” he grumbled, but he knew better than to push it.
Sara put on a jacket and went out. There was a cool breeze coming off the ocean. She marched out to where Jake sat, doing all she could not to respond to his wide smile.
“Where’s my girl?” he said.
Sara gave him a look. “She’s still asleep. You’re early.”
“Oh.” His grin was sheepish. “Sorry about that. I’m so in love with that kid, I just can’t stay away.”
She stared at him. Here he was, casually planning to rip her heart from her body, and he didn’t seem to know how offensive he was. If he kept this up, she would find it easy to hate him.
“Hey, I brought something you might want to see,” he said, and he reached into his jacket and pulled out a set of four photos and handed them to her. “Pictures I took of Kelly during those two weeks in Waikiki.”
She pored at them, startled to see her half sister smiling at the camera. She was so pretty and looked so alive. It was hard to believe...
“Oh!” she said. “I’ve got to show these to Jill.”
He nodded, then rose and followed her back to the house.
Sara held the pictures out to her sister without saying a word, and within seconds, both women were crying. He looked away. He was tortured about it, too, but he didn’t have any tears for Kelly.
That didn’t mean he wasn’t sorry she’d died. Of course he was. It was a horrible tragedy. And he had to admit there was a thread of remorse in his recollections of her. Kelly wasn’t a bad memory—unfortunately, she wasn’t much of a memory at all.
She was a fun date for a few days, and once he’d left Hawaii, he hadn’t really thought about her again until he got back to the States from overseas and prison camp and found all the letters she’d sent. The pictures really didn’t do much to bring her back to him in any meaningful way.
He tried to think if there was any way Sara looked at all like Kelly. He couldn’t see it. Or maybe he just didn’t remember exactly what Kelly looked like—beyond the pictures.
Wait. Yes, there was one thing—her smile. Kelly had been blessed with a smile that drew people in. It made you want to share in her happiness. Sara’s smile had been a lot like that at first. But he hadn’t seen that radiance return once she’d known his identity. Would he ever see it again? Funny, but he wanted to.
It was a good thing the birthday party had been scheduled for afternoon, because Sara and Jill were emotionally wiped out for hours after seeing the pictures of Kelly.
“I’ll never forgive myself for not having reached out to her more strongly,” Jill said, tears in her eyes. “We should have brought her here. We should have made an effort to get to know her so much better than we did. I always thought we would, someday. And now it’s too late.”
“What do you think was behind it?” Sara mused, wiping away her own tears. “Why did we tend to have that lingering, simmering resentment of Kelly?”
Jill thought for a moment, then offered, “I think it was because of what she represented. She was our father’s child with the woman who came to take our mother’s place. We focused all our grief on her and we hated them both. It wasn’t fair, but we did.”
“I can’t believe we did that. We were older. We should have known better. If we’d stopped and thought things through, if we’d stepped back and looked at the bigger picture...”
Jill hugged Sara and sighed. “But we never did. You just go on in life, so often, just taking day by day and not looking outward.”
Sara frowned, thinking it over. What Jill had said still bothered her. “Hate is too strong a word, don’t you think?” she ventured.
Jill hesitated, then nodded. “You’re right. But we couldn’t stand that woman. She tried to take our mother’s place, and she was so bossy and unfriendly to us. And she didn’t treat Daddy very well at all.”
“Which is why their marriage didn’t last.”
“True.” Jill managed a bittersweet smile. “Remember how we celebrated with hot fudge sundaes the day he told us they were separating?”
“Yes. It’s such a pity.”
“And that was part of why I decided to take Savannah when they asked us if we would. To try to make up—at least a little bit—for not being kinder to Kelly.”
Jill groaned. “And now you may have to pay the price for us both.”
“Oh, don’t say that!” Sara said, hands to her mouth.
They stared into each other’s eyes and both looked tragic and filled with remorse. Sara pulled Jill aside to where they could speak privately.
“You realize what this means, don’t you?” she whispered to her sister. “These pictures prove he knew her and was with her right at the appropriate time. Look at the date stamp on the photos.”
Jill nodded. “I noticed,” she said. “Oh, Sara. What are we going to do?”
Sara’s jaw tightened. “Convince him he doesn’t really want to be a father,” she said. “Unless you can think of something better.”
Connor saw the way the wind was blowing and he asked Jake if he wanted to go along with him to the hardware store. He was looking for a new tool to use in making a tree house for the boys. Jake jumped at the chance to leave the agonizing behind. They talked about sports and cars and tools and had a great time, returning quite happy and refreshed, carrying a nice shiny new power screwdriver set.
Mrs. Truesdale, from the agency, called while they were gone. She deeply commiserated with Sara and promised to do all she could from her end of things.
“I know I have to be impartial,” she told her. “But I put you together with your baby and I would hate to see that slip away. You are so perfect for it.” Her voice was lower, almost secretive. “Now you keep track of anything that seems strange to you. Good documentation is important. I’ve often seen it win the day. And don’t worry, I’ll be in touch. We’ll work on this together.”
Sara was feeling a bit better after that conversation. She and Jill had pretty much gone through their catharsis by the time the men got back and were ready to move on with their day. It was time to start preparing for the party.
There was plenty to do, games to be set up, food to be prepared, play areas to be set out. Most of the children attending would be toddlers themselves, so the games would be completely basic and simple. Still, they needed to be thought through. Everyone was helping.
“Except for you,” Sara told Jake. “I have something special saved for you.”
He turned to look at her, his smile crooked and rather endearing. “Special for me, huh? Great. What do you want me to do?”
She stood watching him with her hands on her hips, wishing he didn’t look like every woman’s dream of the perfect guy. It would be easier to fight a man who gave you the willies instead of butterflies in the tummy area. “You’re going to be a nanny for Savannah.”
He frowned. “What exactly does that mean? I thought I did that yesterday.”
“No, you just mostly observed yesterday. Today you’ll be hands-on and on your own. Your job is to watch her. Help her when she gets stuck. Find her something to play with. Hold her. Change her when she needs it. Rock her when she cries. Feed her when she needs it. Put her down for a nap when she gets cranky.”
Jake looked out toward where Connor was setting up the plywood clown panels for the sponge throwing game. “But I could be helping with the building crew,” he noted wistfully. “I’m pretty good with a hammer.”
“No time,” she said blithely. “You’re going to be in charge of Savannah’s health and happiness.” She smiled at him. “I’ll be watching.”
“Great,” he said halfheartedly, but he didn’t argue. He knew that Sara had a double reason for wanting him to take on this challenge and he agreed with at least one of them. He had to learn this stuff. Having someone who’d been doing it for six months give him pointers was extremely useful and he couldn’t waste that resource.
The second reason she was doing it was not quite as clear, but he thought he’d figured it out pretty quickly. She was hoping he would do a lousy job at it and get frustrated. Was she trying to make him feel like a loser? No, he really didn’t think so. But she did want him to feel like this job was too big for him to handle. Well, maybe not too big, but too far out of his bailiwick. She wanted him to realize that it would be harder than he’d thought.
He had to admit he’d already had a few qualms along those lines. After all, the dream of having a child of his own was very different from the reality of actually dealing with one. He knew it was going to be hard. There was nothing easy about taking on responsibility for another human being, especially one that needed constant attention and care. He wasn’t particularly talented in that direction and he’d had no experience. But he also knew that the connection he felt with Savannah was pure and clear and unique. He’d never known anything like it. And now that he’d felt it, he knew he couldn’t walk away, no matter what.
Okay, he would do it. He would act as a nanny and let Sara judge his talents. Why not? Anything for his little girl.
“I really do appreciate the effort you’re putting into this, Sara,” he said. “Believe me, the reality of this had hit me like a slap in the face. It’s a whole different way of looking at the world when you’ve suddenly got someone else to think about. Someone who depends on you. I’ve never had that before.”
Good, she thought, nodding in response. Another piece of ammunition. She had to file that away for future use. She would have to start making lists and keeping track of the things he said. This was war and she had to stay focused. Any sign of weakness was a point for her side.
She began preparing sandwiches for the kids, but she was keeping her eye on Jake’s progress at the same time. She watched as he patiently fed her one of the sandwiches, making each bite zoom in like an airplane to make her laugh. When she was finished, he cleaned her up and found a toy and played with her for half an hour. By then, it was pretty obvious she needed changing.
Sara followed the two of them as they climbed the stairs to the room. Jake was looking very brave and determined. Savannah was happy in his arms. Sara followed and hung out in the doorway, just in case. He lay her down on the changing table and tugged off her jumper, then stared at the diaper for a long moment. He looked over at Sara and made a face.
“Maybe I ought to watch you do it one more time,” he said.
She smiled. That was exactly the reaction she’d been hoping for. “Sure,” she said, stepping up and taking over. “Why not?”
Once she’d put on a new diaper, she handed her baby over to Jake again. “Now pick out some clothes to put on her,” she said. “On a nice late summer day like this, what would you choose?”
He stared at her, completely at sea. “Give me a hint,” he said.
She grinned. “A sundress over tights. How about that?”
“Great.” He looked at the open drawer and hesitated. “What exactly are tights again?” he asked.
She laughed and showed him, then guided him away from the purple leggings he was about to put on Savannah. “Try to find something that will go with her green dress,” she suggested.
She watched as he finished dressing her. She liked the way he talked to her, half teasing, half loving. The way he looked, the tone of his voice, the expression in his eyes, touched her heart. He really did love that little girl. She could see that. This was going to be tough.
“All in all, you’re doing quite well,” she told him as he swung his baby up into his arms again. “I’m impressed.”
Then she bit her lip. What was she doing praising him? She wanted him to feel inadequate, didn’t she? Wasn’t that the whole point? She had to be more careful. This was war and she couldn’t give up ground too easily.
For the next hour as she watched him with Savannah, her mood darkened. He did thing
s wrong and she pointed them out as they happened, but he learned quickly and the way he treated Savannah, his growing attachment to her couldn’t be more clear.
Sara was losing all hope. He was her father and the only way she was going to be able to fight that would be to talk him out of wanting to take over her parenting. Was there any chance she could do that? She couldn’t think about it too hard, not if she wanted to keep functioning for the rest of the day.
But her face told the story and Jake noticed. He’d just put Savannah down for her nap and was feeling pretty good about how things had gone when he caught sight of Sara. She’d slipped away and was standing in the den, looking out at the ocean in the distance. He came up behind her and touched her arm. She whirled and gazed up at him, tears standing in her eyes.
He took hold of her shoulders and frowned. “Hey, what happened? What’s the matter?”
She shook her head, trying to avoid his gaze. “Nothing.”
His hands tightened on her shoulders. “Come on. You can tell me.”
She glanced up into his eyes, then away again. “I’m...I’m just upset.”
“About what?”
She shook her head.
“Come on, Sara. If I’ve done something...”
“No.” She took a deep breath. “It’s not you. It’s me.” She took another breath and blurted out, “I really, really want to hate you. And I can’t.”
“Oh.”
She was crying now. She hated that he was there to see it, but she couldn’t stop. His arms came around her and he held her close, letting her sob against his chest, murmuring soft words of reassurance that she hardly heard. But she felt his comfort, and she relaxed within it, wishing...wishing...
No. She had to stop this. She forced herself to regain her balance and get back to her normal independent self. She couldn’t show him this sort of silliness. She pulled away and gave him a watery smile.
“I...I’m just tired, that’s all,” she said, turning away. “I’ve got to get back to the kitchen. Jill needs help.” And she escaped.
Jake stayed where he was for a few minutes, swearing softly and running his fingers through his thick hair. It wasn’t often that he felt sympathy for another quite so strongly. But he could imagine what it would be like to be Sara and put in this position. It wasn’t pretty.