by Olin, Sean
“Yeah, but you only came out here once with me,” she said.
“I’m not sure that’s true, Lilah,” he said. “I feel like you came with me a bunch of times.”
“Well,” she said, her voice edging toward annoyance, “there was one time that was more important than the others.”
Over the past few weeks, they’d wandered every inch of Dream Point: the bench at the end of the promenade, of course, but also the corner of Flamingo and Hummingbird Lane, where after driving slowly around town for hours, he’d found her wandering aimlessly, lost in dark hopelessness after she’d been booted off the swim team. And the Native American statue, where they used to meet before either of them could drive, and Enoteca Medici on Flamingo Row, where they’d gone for dinner before prom. And so many more locations. It was like all she wanted to do was revisit their history together. Carter found it sort of sweet, if a little depressing.
“You gonna tell me?” he said eventually.
“You’ll figure it out,” she said.
Carter focused on the road for a while. He tapped his finger against the steering wheel to the beat of the Mac Miller song streaming through the car’s speakers.
“Right there,” she said as a McDonald’s appeared up ahead of them. “You remember now?” When Carter shrugged, she elaborated. “The summer after sophomore year, just after your dad gave you the BMW? We drove out here? And we stopped at this McDonald’s along the way.”
“We did?” Carter said. He had no memory of stopping at McDonald’s. Why would he? A McDonald’s was a McDonald’s was a McDonald’s.
Lilah could sense Carter’s weariness. Hoping to reel him back to her, she filled the gulf between them with words. “That was the first time,” she said, “when I understood what it would be like to be a grown-up with you. You knew so much about the plants and animals we were seeing. Just listening to you talk about what we were looking at—I felt like I could do that forever. And remember, we found that little falling-down wooden hut and . . .”
She grinned at him and covered his hand with her own, nudging it slowly up her inner thigh.
“I thought we could drive out there and see if we could find it again.”
He remembered the day, how beautiful it had been, how romantic, holding hands as they walked along the faded wooden walkway through the swamps, keeping their eyes out for alligators and whooping cranes, hoping against hope to see a panther, and then the thrill of sneaking into that hut, of taking all their clothes off and having sex out there in that place where anyone might come along and catch them. He wished he could summon those feelings again, but mostly all he felt around Lilah now was weariness over trying to fake being happy, and worry that she might harm herself again.
“Lilah, really,” he said to her, “it’s, like, six p.m. It’s not like we’re going to drive for another hour and wander around the swamp tonight.”
Carter drove past the McDonald’s without stopping, and Lilah turned to see it go by.
“We could watch the sunset together, at least,” she said.
“We’re on the wrong side for that. You can’t see the sunset through the mangroves,” he said. “It’s just going to be all shadows.”
Then, as her face buckled with disappointment, he felt horrible about himself for having said this. Watch yourself, Carter, he reminded himself as he patted her hand and tried to comfort her.
“It’s just,” he said, “maybe it would be better to go out there on a Saturday, when we had time to actually do stuff. What do you think?”
“Sure,” Lilah said. “Fine. Turn around if that’s what you want.”
They pulled off onto a dirt road that had been built over the swampy marshland.
As the car rolled to a stop, Lilah leaned into him and whispered huskily into his ear. “We could pretend to watch the sunset. Or find something else to do. Since we’re here.”
She pulled back and bit her lower lip, daring him to surprise her.
They got out and Carter sat on the hood of the car, Lilah taking his hand and pulling his arm around her as she leaned against him. The sun had begun to set, and a hundred mirrors glimmered on the water below the reeds, and the swamp grass rustled out in front of them, and a blue heron flapped its wings and rose into the air.
He tucked a wisp of her hair behind her ear and she winced inwardly, remembering the night she saw him do this to Jules. But she didn’t show it. What was important right now was that he felt wanted, that he know she was still capable of pleasing him.
She ran her hands along the muscles of his shoulders. She undid the top few buttons of his pale-blue linen shirt, and gazing lustily into his eyes, she kissed his chest. She undid another button and kissed him again, a little lower on his chest.
He pulled her softly up to a standing position and she was relieved when she saw that his face had softened and flushed with the first wispy stirrings of desire.
They kissed.
Each touch of Lilah’s lips to Carter’s skin reminded him of the night he’d done this with Jules. The vision of her in her bikini top and her low-slung red wrap, swaying her hips, that mischievous dare twinkling in her eyes, pressed itself into Carter’s mind and wouldn’t leave. He kissed Lilah more deeply. He slid his hand under her blouse and ran his fingers along the smooth skin of her stomach, tracing the lacy contours of her bra. But no matter how hard he tried, he felt like he was just going through the motions, his heart quiet and tortured at the same time.
Lilah sensed how far away Carter was. “What’s wrong now,” she said, disgust edging into her voice.
“I’m sorry,” Carter said, pulling away from her and rebuttoning his shirt. “I’ve got about ten thousand things on my mind.”
The pitying look on his face was excruciating, humiliating to see. He was right there in front of her, claiming to be her boyfriend, acting like her boyfriend. But he didn’t want her. Why? There could only be one reason.
“Yeah,” she said bitterly. “And none of them is me. It’s like you don’t even like me anymore.”
“I do like you, Lilah,” he said. “I’m . . . I’m trying my best.”
She barely nodded. “Sure,” she said. “Whatever. It’s ruined now, anyway.”
As Carter drove back toward Dream Point, they barely said a word to each other. The golden magic-hour light seemed to mock them. Carter felt hopeless, trapped. He wondered if he’d ever find the love he used to feel for Lilah again. He daydreamed about Pennsylvania, far away from this little beach town, sitting at his desk with a stack of books in front of him, gazing out his window at the fall leaves, smelling the burnt air of a real autumn for once. But no matter how he tried to see Lilah by his side, the person he saw himself wandering through campus with was Jules.
He reached over and squeezed Lilah’s hand.
“We’ve just got to make it to August,” he said unconvincingly. “And then we’ll escape together to UPenn. Everything will get better then.”
Tears welled in Lilah’s eyes. “Yeah,” she said quietly. “Maybe. That would be nice.” But she knew this wouldn’t solve the problems between them.
She turned toward the door and watched the palm groves stream by. Her face hardened. Her tactics weren’t working. She’d have to try harder. She was sure that these problems had been caused by Jules. She’d have to change strategy. She’d have to find some way to show Carter that Jules wasn’t worth his love, to nullify all threats to her relationship.
UNCORRECTED E-PROOF—NOT FOR SALE
HarperCollins Publishers
..................................................................
21
April 22, 10:46 p.m.
NEW TEXT FROM CARTER MOORE
Daisy on Idol?! U cd totally kick her ass!
April 24, 11:12 a.m.
NEW TEXT FROM CARTER MOORE
How R U anyway? Haven’t seen U around lately :)
UNCORRECTED E-PROOF—NOT FOR SALE
HarperCollins Publishers
>
..................................................................
22
A fire was growing inside Lilah. It burned and burned. The only way to get rid of it was to light something else up—Jules. She’d incinerate her. When she was done with Jules, Carter would see that he’d been wrong to have ever been charmed by the girl. He’d remember that forever meant forever. He’d understand that Lilah was where his heart belonged.
First step: some recon. She couldn’t ask anyone from school. She didn’t want to have to explain herself, and anyway, there wasn’t anyone she felt close enough to there to confide in. She’d have to use her network of acquaintances at work.
The next Thursday, on the shift change for the Dream Point Public Beach lifeguards, she lobbed her bag up to the red wooden platform and clapped her hands to let the day guard, Sammi Beck, know that she was ready for a hand lifting herself up.
Sammi got in her stance, bracing her foot against the block along the edge of the platform, and reached out her hand so Lilah could hop and catch her foot on the lower rung of the ladder, pulling herself up quickly with a one-two kick against the tower.
“Anything exciting today?” asked Lilah, surveying the clusters of sunbathers spread out around her. She was cordial with Sammi, though they only ever really spoke during these shift changes.
“Same old, same old,” said Sammi. “There’s a convention of some sort going on at the Hilton SeaView, but so far they’ve mostly stuck to their side of the beach. And some guys built a pretty tremendous sand sculpture earlier. A mermaid. It’s gone now, though. The tide took it away. See that mound out there? That’s all that’s left of it.”
Lilah wasn’t really listening. She was preoccupied with the question she wanted to ask Sammi. But she nodded and followed the line of Sammi’s finger out toward a wet hill of sand half-submerged in the waves, pretending to care about what the woman had to say.
“I should have brought a magazine,” said Lilah.
Sammi made a disapproving face. “The after-school rush will be here in no time,” she said. She was part of the old guard, leathery and tan, one of the lifers who’d been doing the job for ten years or more, and she had a way of acting like being a lifeguard was the most important thing anyone could ever do with their life.
“That was a joke,” said Lilah. “I wouldn’t really read a magazine on duty.”
Sammi shrugged. “Anyway,” she said, packing the zinc lotion she always plastered across her nose into her bag and looking again to see if she was forgetting anything. “Don’t forget to do your checks.”
“I always do.” Lilah was running out of time. “Hey, have you ever heard of a girl named Jules Turnbull?” she asked.
“Jules Turnbull. Hmm.” Sammi looked toward the sky and thought. “Cara Turnbull’s daughter’s named Julie, I think. Tall girl? Long, dark hair?”
“Yeah. You know anything about her?”
“Not a lot. I sometimes see her working at Waxidasical. Her mom’s been part of the beach scene forever. She runs a kind of a new-agey place up the beach. Harmonic Convergence.”
“That’s it?”
“She dates one of those surfer dudes. Todd Norris, maybe?”
“Wait—Todd Norris? With the bleached hair?” Lilah had seen him out on the waves a hundred times from her perch on the lifeguard chair.
“Why are you so interested in her?” asked Sammi.
Lilah fumbled for an answer. “I don’t know. She seems nice. She’s a very talented actress.”
“I wouldn’t know,” Sammi said. “I’ll tell you this—Todd Norris is hot.” She wagged her fingers like she’d burned them.
Once Sammi was gone, Lilah gazed out at the waves tumbling against the sand, and contemplated what she’d learned. It all started to come back to her—Todd and his buddies taking turns hopping onto their boards as the sun faded. Their girls hanging on the beach, watching them. Todd dragging his board out of the surf, leaning over one of the girls—a dark-haired girl, she sat apart from the others—kissing her.
That had been Jules.
And now that she thought about it, Lilah had seen them together a lot over the past year or so. An odd couple, but maybe Jules had another life besides her theater posturing. Maybe there was a beach bum living inside her as well.
Lilah suspected that Todd might know the answer.
UNCORRECTED E-PROOF—NOT FOR SALE
HarperCollins Publishers
..................................................................
23
April 30, 3:22 p.m.
NEW TEXT FROM CARTER MOORE
U OK? Missing UR witty texts.
May 2, 2:03 p.m.
NEW TEXT FROM CARTER MOORE
Saw U just now at cap and gown try-ons?
May 2, 2:06 p.m.
NEW TEXT FROM CARTER MOORE
Im sure it was U. I waved, but then you ducked away. Hmmmm. Worried. Text me back please?
UNCORRECTED E-PROOF—NOT FOR SALE
HarperCollins Publishers
..................................................................
24
“Dude.” Todd Norris was talking. Guardedly. Squinting at Lilah, high up in her chair. “That girl’s not my problem anymore.”
He was chewing gum and he blew a bubble, popping it with his tongue. He was a spectacular specimen of manhood—toned, tanned, a little scruffy, a brooding intelligence rumbling under his come-what-may exterior.
“You broke up with her?” asked Lilah.
“Naw, she dumped me.”
“That sucks,” said Lilah.
“It’s cool. Whatever, dude. I mean, yeah, it sucks, but . . . that was way back in January. I’ve traveled on.” He illustrated his “traveling on” with his hand, gliding it slowly forward across a flat plain of salt air in front of him.
“Tell me,” Lilah said. “What did she do?”
“January second. The day after New Year’s. It was like a resolution or some shit.” He hadn’t been able to tell this stuff to anyone, not without totally losing his cred. But he didn’t mind telling Lilah—she was too far off the radar of his surfer buddies to matter.
“Is that what she said? A New Year’s resolution?” Lilah asked. “What happened? You don’t make a New Year’s resolution for nothing. They’re not just totally arbitrary.”
“She’s a diva. Who knows what she was thinking. What she told me was that she was ‘getting too attached.’ Getting too attached! Dude! That’s supposed to be a good thing, last I checked. Not to her, I guess. She blabbered about college and early acceptance and whatever. ‘Long-distance relationships never work,’ she said. Whatever. Like what happens next fall has anything to do with what’s going on now.”
“Where’s she going?” asked Lilah, leading him on.
“Fuck if I know. Some school in Pennsylvania. She got an arts scholarship or something.”
Maybe Todd, whose whole world consisted of this beach, didn’t understand, but Lila knew exactly what “some school in Pennsylvania” meant.
“University of Pennsylvania,” she said.
She was careful not to show the way this information pierced her. She thought of that photo on Carter’s phone. Then she flared deep inside and pushed the photo out of her mind.
“You think she was, maybe, cheating on you?” she asked.
“Oh, I don’t know, man,” said Todd, blowing another bubble. “Her friends are all gay.”
Lilah had been trying to control her rage so that it wouldn’t all come out in one violent burst, but she couldn’t hold back any longer. “’Cause I think she was cheating on you.”
Chuckling, Todd said, “Yeah. Sure. Not likely.”
“You know Carter Moore? My boyfriend?”
“Maybe, I guess. I don’t know.”
“I think she was cheating on you with him.”
The turn in the conversation had Todd flipping his gum around on his tongue. This wasn’t what he’d e
xpected to hear when Lilah had waved him over to the lifeguard stand. He’d been expecting something more like a compliment on the way he’d cut through the waves, maybe a little flirtation. He’d thought she was digging him. That’s why he’d played up the sympathy vote.
“Wait, is he that rich, preppy dude?” he said.
Lilah cocked her head and pursed her lips in a tight smile, egging him on to imagine the possibilities.
“You’ve got to be kidding,” Todd said.
Lilah lifted her sunglasses from her eyes and perched them on her forehead. She gave Todd a long, hard stare. “Not kidding,” she said. He was chewing his gum quickly with his front teeth, like it was the only thing keeping him from losing his cool. “Sucks to be you, doesn’t it?” she said.
He shook his head. “Sucks to be me?” he said. “You’re the one who’s still dating that asshole.”
“Exactly,” Lilah said. She took a gamble, a calculated risk. “What I want to know is if you’d maybe want to help me get even.”
As Todd thought about her request, Lilah grew conscious of how long she’d been talking to him. The shadow of her chair stretched out in front of her. She’d barely glanced at the ocean all this time. What if someone had drowned? She wouldn’t have noticed and she didn’t care.
“I’d make it worth your while?” she added.
“Yeah?”
“Sure,” she said with a half grin.
“How so?”
She stood up and stretched her arms behind her back, pushing her chest out as she did. Then she sat on the edge of the platform, dangling her naked legs over the edge so he could check them out.
“What would you have in mind?” she said, flicking her foot suggestively in his direction.
She couldn’t believe she was really doing this. She felt like a criminal. It was kind of exhilarating, actually. And it’s not like she would feel guilty for whatever might come next—after all, she was doing all this in the name of holding on to her guy.