by Bart King
Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI): These agents don’t spy, but they do try to CATCH foreign spies and American double agents.
“MI” Stands for “Military Intelligence”
Formed in 1909, the MI6 is the United Kingdom’s international spy agency. (Sort of like the CIA.) The most famous MI6 employee is fictional—Bond...James Bond. The UK also has MI5, which is something like the American FBI. It’s in charge of all internal security threats.
Defense Intelligence Agency (DIA): The U.S. Department of Defense (DOD) supervises the U.S. armed forces and is in charge of national security. If you’ve ever seen the Pentagon, the DOD is the main tenant there. And the Defense Intelligence Agency is its spy group.
National Geospatial-Intelligence Agency (NGA): This agency makes and analyzes maps and photographs.
National Reconnaissance Office (NRO): This bureau provides satellite photos and graphics to other agencies.
Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA): This enforcement agency provides intelligence inside the United States having to do with drugs.
Department of Homeland Security (DHS): After the terrorist attack known as 9/11, this department was formed as a special branch intended to foil terrorists.
Also, the Coast Guard and each branch of the military (Air Force, Army, Marines, Navy) has its own intelligence agency, as do the departments of State, Energy, and Treasury.
Can all these spy agencies be trusted to fully cooperate with each other? NO! In fact, many of them are known to keep secrets to themselves and compete with their “rivals.” But in the aftermath of September 11, 2001, the Office of the Director of National Intelligence (ODNI) was created. This accomplished two important things:
It created a director who supposedly oversees all these different branches.
That director sits down with the president every morning to go over top secret stuff.
Can You Guess? Where do you think most of the billions of dollars budgeted for spy work in the United States goes? Answer below![35]
In 2010, the U.S. military got something called the U.S. Cyber Command (CYBERCOM), and it can be included as the newest intelligence agency. As its name suggests, the Cyber Command is charged with keeping government computers safe from attack—and maybe preparing for a little attacking of its own.
The Cyber Command also has its own government seal. In a playful move, the CYBERCOM seal has a code on its inner ring that reads “9ec4c12949a4f31474f299058ce2b22a.” This prompted people to try and decode the message, and their guesses were way more interesting than the real answer.[36]
“If you can read this, send us a job application!”
“drowssap.”
“Access denied.”
“Made you look!”
“Be sure to drink your Ovaltine.”
“If the intelligence community is a family, think of us as the uncle no one talks about.”
“I can has cheezburger?”
“In God We Trust. (Everybody else gets monitored.)”
“You just got pwned.”
Most Employment Opportunities
Because most spies don’t like to be identified and counted, it’s impossible to know for sure what country has the most agents. The KGB was the intelligence agency of the old Soviet Union (1917–1991). It was so colossal, the KGB was bigger than all the Western spy agencies combined. In the 1980s, estimates are that the KGB employed about 400,000 people.[37] But today, China is the new record holder. In 2005, two Chinese diplomats defected from the country. The men claimed that China has 1,000 spies and informers in Canada alone. If that’s true, population ratios suggest that there are over 9,000 Chinese spies in the United States!
China has also set up about 3,000 fake and semi-fake companies worldwide. These companies then work as “fronts” for Chinese spies. If that sounds sort of cheap, the CIA set up its own airline called Air America back in 1950. For the next 25 years, Air America pretended to be a regular passenger airline. And it was huge! Between 1961 and 1975, it was the world’s largest commercial airline. And Air America probably had the world’s toughest pilots, too, as they were almost all ex-military.
With this set-up, Air America actually specialized in moving spies, spy supplies, informants, diplomats, and anything else that might be intelligence related. Air America’s motto? “Anything, Anywhere, Anytime—Professionally.”
Oops—hang on. One of my agents just handed me a top secret text message, sent by carrier pigeon! It states that 7 out of 10 of the world’s spam messages come from Russia, Ukraine, and Estonia.
This is great news! Now where’s my passport? I’m sorry to leave you, but I’m going on a mission to eradicate those spammers once and for all. So by the time you read this, the spam menace will be ancient history![38]
* * *
[34] Nestlé makes Smarties, Butterfingers, and Kit Kats. Mars makes Snickers, M&Ms, and, uh, Mars bars.
[35] Spy satellites and listening devices.
[36] “CYBERCOM plans, coordinates, integrates, synchronizes, and conducts activities to: direct the operations and defense of specified Department of Defense information networks and prepare to, and when directed, conduct full-spectrum military cyberspace operations in order to enable actions in all domains, ensure freedom of action in cyberspace for the U.S. and its allies, and deny the same to our adversaries.”
[37] Today, the KGB has been replaced by three different Russian intelligence agencies.
[38] And if it’s not, could someone rescue me from whatever Estonian jail spam fighters get thrown into?
Terminology!
Agent provocateur: A spy whose job is to MAKE trouble and then blame it on someone else. Example: in the 1930s, Japanese agents provocateurs destroyed things and then blamed the Chinese. This gave Japan an excuse to attack China.
Angel: An enemy agent. “Look out, there’s an angel behind you—Aaaaah!”
Babysitter: Either a bodyguard OR a person hired by your parents to ensure you don’t engage in sabotage.
Bang and burn: Sabotage operation.
Brush Contact: Two spies pass each other on the street. While brushing past each other, they secretly pass documents or other information to each other. Once in a while, to crack each other up, the spies will pass an actual brush. (Hey, nobody said that spies don’t have a good sense of humor!)
Chicken feed: Useless information. Example: “After prying open Debbie’s diary, I learned that she likes Justin Bieber. Chicken feed!”
Cobbler: A person who can fake important documents like passports, driver licenses, and report cards.
Cold War: After World War II ended in 1945, a constant state of hostility called the Cold War began between the Soviet Union (a country that has since been divided into Russia and 13 other nations) and the United States and Western Europe. Since the Cold War was being fought among spies on all sides, it was an “intelligence war.”
Cover story: This is an alibi. It can be as simple as explaining why someone is in the office late at night (“I forgot how to tell time!”) or as complex as an entire fake identity (“My name is John Doe. I forgot how to tell time!”)
Crippie: A cryptologist, or person who makes secret codes. From them, we get the rhyme, “The crippie crept into the crypt, encrypted, then crapped and crept out again.”
Cutout: A person who serves as a go-between for a spymaster and his spies.
Dead drop: A secret location for leaving or picking up secret documents. Not to be confused with “drop dead,” which is a not-so-secret insult.
Discard: Spy slang for an agent who is betrayed to protect (or get) a more valuable source.
Doomed spy: Also known as a “discard,” this is a spy who is allowed to be caught in order to protect more valuable agents.
Double agent: A spy who pretends to work for one side while actually working for the other.
Dry cleaning: Trying to discover if you’re being followed by turning down dead end streets, or speeding way up and then slowing way
down.
Ears only: If you have a really important secret, don’t write it down. Only whisper it to your trusted colleagues.
L-pill: A pill used by agents to commit suicide if they are captured. Example: “Timmy, don’t let her have those L-pills! Oh, they’re just Lifesavers?”
Mole: A spy who has burrowed deep into an enemy’s stronghold and passes on secret information to the country he’s working for.
Rolled-up: Used to describe an operation that has been discovered. Once its cover has been “blown,” it has to be “rolled-up” or scrapped.
Safe house: A residence considered safe for spies to hang out in. Tip: when selecting a safe house, choose one that’s close to a pizza parlor.
Spook: Spy
Tradecraft: The basic skills that a spy must possess. Although interesting, the world of tradecraft may not be quite as fun to play as the World of Warcraft.
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