Disillusioned Love

by Amy Lee Peine

  “Right!?” Lexi laughed in agreement. They steered the herd towards the stable where two handsome, young, strong men mucked stalls.

  “Hola Jake y Dustin.” Riana greeted. The two men tipped their hats to her. “Puedes limpiar los caballos?” A look of astonishment appeared on Alex’s face, then a proud, bright smile. Jake, the shorter of the two with long, dark hair and shy eyes nodded and smiled at her.

  “Hola Riana, si, vamos a limpiar los caballos.” Dustin approached Adonis and grabbed the reins from Riana as she quickly dismounted.

  “Gracias.” She smiled. “Estos son mis amigos, Matthew, Alex y Derek.” She introduced the guys. Jake and Dustin removed their cowboy hats and gave a small nod. “You guys can go ahead and dismount, Jake and Dustin will clean up the horses.” Alex, Matt and Derek nodded silently, still shocked by Riana’s fluent Spanish. She beamed proudly at them.

  As Alex walked back to the house he shook his head lightly, and wondered if there was any way Riana could stop amazing him. “Riana, I had no idea you could speak Spanish!” Derek gushed, still in disbelief himself.

  “Eh, it’s pretty much necessary living out here. The demographics essentially demand it.” She said nonchalantly.

  Matthew slung his arm over her shoulder. “You, lady, are full of all kinds of surprises.”

  “It’s to keep you all on your toes.” She grinned and stuck her tongue out at him. “Man, I love the ache of a good ride.” Riana sighed as she fell into a large armchair in the back sitting room.

  “I don’t think I feel quite the same way.” Derek laughed as he attempted to stretch out his back. “I think I’m going to hit the hot tub if that’s okay Ri?”

  “Of course my dear!” Sam, Matt and Lexi concurred with Derek’s idea and left to change. “I’m going to shower and lay down I think.” Riana mumbled as she pulled her hair from her tie back. Her blonde hair fell across her shoulders and she shook it out some. “Have fun kids!” She hollered as they disappeared. She got up and started down the hall. Alex remained in the sitting room and she turned to him. “I’m going to watch a movie after I shower if you wanted to join me.” Alex noticed pinkness in her round cheeks as she offered and he nodded with a smile.

  “Alright. I’m going to shower too then, would hate to stink up your room.” Riana rolled her eyes and laughed. As Alex scurried upstairs he made a mental note to just let things go as they would. To be there for her like Matthew said. Despite how badly he may have wanted something more to happen, he had to resist.

  Alex relished the feeling as he washed off the lake water, sweat and horse smells. He rushed through his shower and hastened downstairs. He stopped in the kitchen for snacks, then proceeded to Riana’s room. He stood in the hall and chewed the inside of his full bottom lip, frozen. He suddenly felt about fourteen years old again. Not only did he feel fourteen, he felt stupid as well. He shook his head at his ridiculous apprehension, lifted his hand and knocked.

  Riana was browsing her movies when she heard the quiet knock at her door. She swallowed over the slight lump in her throat and noticed her heart beat much too quickly. “Hey.” She greeted as she opened her door to a shirtless, pajama pant clad Alex.

  Alex held up his hand proudly. “I brought snacks!” He proclaimed as he balanced the bowl of popcorn in the palm of his large hand.

  Riana snatched the bowl from him. “You know me so well.” She laughed. She skipped over to her bed and sat cross-legged right in the middle. Alex stood in the middle of her room and looked around. “Um, Alex?” He quickly looked in her direction and she patted the bed. “Wanna join me?” He did one more scan around her room; he took in the city skyline prints, the endless papers strewn about on her desk, the clothes littered on the floor and the cases of books. He finally made his way to where she sat and munched on the popcorn. “You like comedies?” She asked with a huge grin. Alex loved how dorky she was, and loved that she allowed herself to be that way with him.

  “Uh, duh?” He teased. “Whatcha have in mind?”

  Riana hopped off her bed and scampered to her movie cabinet. She pulled a movie from the shelf and presented it excitedly, “Served!”

  Alex applauded as he laughed. “Brilliant choice.” Riana smiled proudly, tossed in the movie and leapt back onto the bed. Alex scooted back against the headboard and placed his sculpted arms behind his head. Riana took the spot next to him, with the bowl of popcorn between them.

  Despite their exhaustion, they made it through the movie. Once they killed the bowl of popcorn Riana placed it on her bedside table and moved a bit closer to Alex. He watched her laugh at the disgusting jokes in the movie, and he couldn’t contain his own laughter when a snort would escape through her nose. “Ah! It’s funny because it’s true!” She wailed through giggles. The bold statement intrigued Alex so, after the movie ended, they talked about how much truth the movie held in relation to Riana’s experiences as a server. The truth was both hilarious and disturbing to Alex.

  Alex loved Riana’s stories; he loved to learn about her life and experiences. Especially when they were so entertaining. The best part for Alex was to know there had been more to Riana’s life than the heartbreaking basis of her book and speaking engagements. As they continued to chat Riana settled into the bed and naturally fell into Alex’s body. Alex followed Matthew’s advice and went with it. He didn’t make any moves on her, but didn’t push her away either.

  Riana found something instinctually comfortable about Alex in her bed. It wasn’t anything sexual. Given her past, any man in her bed made her exceptionally anxious; one might even use the word terrified. She realized, as she laid in the nook of Alex’s side with his strong arm draped over her, that she hadn’t even felt that at ease with Ryan. With Ryan, especially as of late, she knew there was an unspoken expectation of her, and she never let him down. Even as her heart and her mind knew that was the main, if not the only, reason Ryan wanted her there.

  She found comfort and joy in being able to laugh with Alex about the inner workings of the restaurant industry. His sincere interest in her stories from everything from serving, to college, and friends touched her in ways she didn’t realize she’d been missing. Alex didn’t bring up Kim, but he brought up Ryan as they talked about what their futures might hold. “Do you think you’ll get married?” He asked as his hand ran up and down Riana’s arm.

  “Maybe someday.” She breathed. “Life is pretty insane right now. I’d need someone who could keep up.”

  She thought he would laugh, but instead he uttered two words she didn’t want to hear. “To Ryan?”

  Riana’s breath and heart froze. She closed her eyes against the blatant reminder of her current position. “I always thought so.” She whispered truthfully. The silence lingered around them for a long moment as she spun her vertical labret between her teeth. “I don’t so much anymore.” Alex’s chest rose with a deep breath.

  “Why don’t you think it will be him?” He asked softly. He didn’t want to push her, but he wanted to help her explore the change in feelings. Riana sat up, rested her elbow on his chest and plopped her chin into her hand. She gazed at him. She took in his heavy eyebrows, his deep brown eyes, the nose that she thought was absolutely perfect, the slightest bit of scruff under his nose and on his chin, and his strong jawline. In her mind he was the most beautiful man she’d ever seen.

  Suddenly the words rolled off her tongue. “It doesn’t feel the same. Sometimes… it doesn’t feel right.” Alex’s eyes softened. “I guess, sometimes, I feel like he doesn’t get me. Nor does he really try.” Riana felt the start of tears in her eyes. She closed her eyes tightly and spoke through the darkness. “He’s never read my book, never seen me speak.”

  She opened her glassy eyes to meet Alex’s heartbroken face. “Oh Ri.” He sighed. He pulled Riana back into his embrace. She despised getting overly emotional with people it made her feel weak. She wanted to at least attempt to remain strong in Alex’s eyes. Yet, there she was, overtaken by the pain caused b
y Ryan’s inconsistencies.

  “I don’t want to talk about it anymore.” Riana mumbled into Alex’s smooth, bare chest.

  Alex squeezed her. “You don’t have to Ri.” He soothed. He felt his own chest tighten. He hated how Ryan treated her, how he played her, and how he didn’t care about who she was; only what she provided him.

  Despite the weight of the moment, Riana still felt it was right to remain wrapped in Alex’s arms. She didn’t feel the need to fill the silence, and neither did Alex. Riana simply laid there and listened to Alex’s heart beat within his chest. She found comfort in the predictability of his breaths beneath her head. She sensed she could have stayed there forever and been perfectly content. “Alex?” She whispered.

  “Yes dear.”

  Riana contorted her head and neck to meet Alex’s eyes. “Can I ask you something?”

  “Of course, anything.” Alex replied certainly.

  Riana suddenly felt it was silly for her to ask. Presumptuous even. She avoided his eyes, but proceeded with her question. “Would you…. I mean… You can say no. But would you... maybe... sing to me?”

  Alex released a small breath and a modest smile played on his lips. He nodded as he sat up some. Riana went to move off him but he pulled her back. She settled her head back onto his chest and closed her eyes. She felt his smooth, deep, soulful voice roll through his chest, past his perfect lips and to her ears. Riana sighed in bliss. It was one of her favorite Snow Patrol songs. Alex’s hand stroked Riana’s arm again as he sang. It was a stark contrast between rough and smooth and it brought electric goose bumps to the surface of Riana’s skin. Riana smiled as the lyrics asked the listener if they would lay there and forget the world. She noted that was exactly what she was doing. She happily forgot everything that weighed on her. Riana felt her mind get heavy with impending sleep and Alex felt her breaths deepen. As Riana felt herself slip into sleep she vaguely thought to herself; this must be what love feels like.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Truth Is

  As Riana and Alex bonded in Riana’s bedroom the other four friends enjoyed their time easing their tired and sore muscles with both the pounding jets of the hot tub and the three bottles of wine they split amongst each other. “Shhhhh!” Lexi scolded as they snuck through the upstairs hallway. She grasped Derek’s arm to steady herself.

  “Ooh! Hold on, I want to see how things went with Ri and Alex.” Matthew attempted to whisper as they neared Alex’s room. Matthew lightly knocked then slowly opened the door. “Oh Aleeeexx…” He cooed. The door swung all the way open, but all they saw was a confused look on Matt’s face. He turned around, red faced and giggled. “Heeeey, Sam, is this Alex’s room?”

  Samantha burst out in laughter. “Uh, yeah.”

  “Guys!” Matthew again tried to whisper, but failed miserably. “He’s not in here!”

  “Ohmygod.” Samantha breathed, her eyes widened in worry.

  “Sam. No. Shhh.” Lexi chided as she placed all her body weight against Derek. The floor seemed to run away from her. “I know what you’re thinking, and you’re wrong.” She assured. “They’re just still hanging out. Nothing’s happening. Not like...that.”

  “Come on guys, Alex is a big boy, leave it alone.” Derek lectured as he started to usher Lexi to her room.

  “Woah, talk about a role reversal.” Matthew quipped. Derek turned and shook his head.

  “I guess I had a good teacher.” He grinned at Matt.

  “That you did.” Matthew confirmed with a small nod as he closed Alex’s bedroom door. “Ladies, I must bid you adieu, ‘twas a lovely evening. We must do it again.” Samantha and Lexi laughed at him and agreed. They called a sweet goodnight as Matthew stumbled to his room.

  Sam gave Derek and Lexi a quick hug as they got to the end of the hall. “See you in the morning!”

  Lexi stood and wobbled in front of both her door and Derek. “I think...I should go to bed…” She pondered.

  Derek laughed as he kept her steady. “I think you’re right.” He smiled down at her. “Goodnight Lexi.” She leaned into him for a hug and was startled when she felt his warm lips press to her cheek. Her whole body increased temperature and she felt the need to get to her room instantly.

  “I’ll see you tomorrow!” She called as she quickly turned away from him and flung her door open. She caught a glimpse of mild confusion on his face as she shut the door behind her.

  Riana had fallen asleep quickly once Alex started to sing to her. Alex could tell by the definite indicators of her sweet murmurs and light snores. He finished the song anyway, then laid there quietly with Riana cuddled into him. Even with the almost one foot height difference between them he couldn’t help but smile when he realized how perfectly she fit.

  Alex softly stroked her hair and sighed. Matthew’s words replayed in his mind, “She needs to see a man can be kind to her. Be that man Alex. Be there for her and she’ll figure it out.” He shook his head lightly as his brow knitted together. He couldn’t imagine anyone being unkind to her. The fact she’d had so many unkind men in her life enraged him. Alex looked down at her thoughtfully and felt his heart swell. He made a mental promise, he would never be unkind to her. He scooted down into the bed, careful not to wake Riana, pulled the covers up and over them and kissed her forehead as he closed his eyes. His thoughts were prophetic as he drifted off to sleep; Someday I could love her. Someday I will love her. His concern was that “someday” quickly approached. He wasn’t sure if either of them were ready for that day.

  Friday August 25, 2006

  As Alex felt his body begin to wake he was keenly aware Riana was still snuggled into him. He kept his eyes closed and smiled. He had slept better than he had in months. He debated if it was all the fresh air and work of the ride, or if it was being with Riana. He ventured it was her. He wished he could go back to sleep; he didn’t want to wake up yet, he didn’t want to leave that moment. Riana cuddled closer to him, if that were at all possible, and wrapped her arm tightly around his midsection. Her smooth, bare leg was tossed over his, her tank top had twisted up and revealed her bare back and side. Alex tried to stifle a yawn.

  “No.” Riana moaned. “Go back to sleep. I don’t wanna get up yet.” She didn’t even attempt to remove her face from Alex’s bare chest as she verbalized her desire to stay put. Alex squeezed her tighter and she murmured her approval.

  “Did you sleep well?” Alex asked, his voice thick with the remnants of sleep.

  She nodded against him. “The best.” She whispered. “What time is it anyway?”

  Alex turned his head to check Riana’s alarm clock on the other side of the bed. “Umm, 9:45?”

  Riana’s head shot up, her hair a tangled mess. “Are you serious?” She challenged as she double checked her clock. “Damn.” She muttered as she realized it was indeed almost ten am. It took Alex by surprise when instead of begrudgingly getting out of bed, Riana stretched out and then reclaimed her place cuddled into him. “Let’s pretend that said 6:45 okay?”

  Alex laughed deeply. “Aww, Ri, why are you resisting getting up?” Not that he could argue, he would have rather stayed exactly where he was all day as well.

  “Many reasons.” She mumbled against Alex’s chest again. “Like, the fact you’re so warm.” She giggled as she squirmed closer to him. Alex tried as hard as he could to keep calm. Reality was, she was a beautiful woman and he was a young man; despite how logical his brain might have been about the whole situation, his body reacted on instinct alone. “And…” She became speechless, which was quite unlike her.

  “Ri?” Alex urged.

  “I don’t want to leave this yet. It’s...perfect.” She finished softly. Alex breathed deeply. “And if I get up I have to, you know, face things.” She paused and frowned lightly. “Things like, the fact I shouldn’t be wrapped up in you like this.” She proclaimed as she ran her fingers along Alex’s dark skin. There was beauty in the contrast of skin tone; Riana’s much lighter skin with pink und
ertones against Alex’s rich, darker skin. The sensation of her fingers along his skin drove his body insane. “Or the fact Tabitha is coming today.”

  “Alright.” Alex declared as he sat up. “Let’s address these.” He offered. Riana sat up and looked at him with a mixture of a scowl and a pout. “I can’t exactly argue against me being warm.” He winked at her with a smile, and was happy to receive a smile in return. “But...about you being wrapped up with me.” Riana’s face flushed, she knew she went too far. It was inappropriate. She mentally scolded herself again. “Friends can cuddle Ri. I like cuddling with you.” Alex admitted gently.

  She looked up at him, her eyes unreadable. Riana wanted to blurt out that it was because she didn’t want to be friends that the cuddling screwed with her mind so much, but she remained silent.

  “I know that you’re probably beating yourself up because of Ryan.” Her heart dropped. “And if that’s the case, I won’t cuddle with you.” It dropped even further. “I don’t want to make things complicated Ri.”

  Riana stared at him. She was dumbfounded. Things were already complicated. She searched his eyes and tried to figure out his intentions. She wanted to throw herself back into his embrace, she wanted to kiss him. Instead she shook her head at him. “No.”

  His black brows furrowed. “No, what?”

  “No, I don’t want you to not cuddle with me.” She informed Alex with a firm pout on her face. “Because you’re right. Friends can cuddle. I cuddle with Sam and Lexi all the time. In fact, studies have proven the positive effects of hugs and cuddling on both physical and mental health.” There you go Ri, take the emotion right out of it. She thought proudly.

  “Right.” Alex quickly agreed. “As for Tabitha--” Riana groaned and Alex grinned at her. “It’ll be fine Ri. I won’t let anything bad happen to you.” Riana was sure Alex had no idea the kind of weight that statement carried for her coming from a man. Men didn’t protect Riana, they used her. They were the bad thing that happened to her.