Riana woke up surprisingly refreshed. Usually when she and Ryan would go through one of their “off” times she’d slip into a depression that grasped every inch of her and brought her fighting beneath the surface. She didn’t feel that way this time. It still hurt, there was still a loss she felt. She knew, though, that she had to keep pushing forward. Further away, to where she could find herself again.
Arizona. She decided to head back to the ranch. Part of her said not to, there would be too many vivid memories of Alex there. The memories were vivid regardless of where she was so she dismissed the warnings. She headed south on interstate 25 to New Mexico before she went west, back home. Her phone remained off, and she relished being alone in her thoughts. Even if her thoughts were a bit tormented at times.
A full twelve hours of driving would exhaust most people, but Riana loved it. She loved the freedom she felt while she drove and the southwest was one of her favorite places to be. Despite her lack of religious beliefs, there was undoubtedly something wondrous about the mountains, the canyons and beautifully layered rock formations. As she found her way through New Mexico there was a peacefulness to the barren expanses of landscape with little civilization.
Riana pulled up to the gate of the ranch as the sun finished it’s decent to the horizon. A mixture of oranges, pinks and purples welcomed her home. The warnings were correct though, the moment she drove through the gate every image that faced her brought another memory of Alex. She felt her chest tighten and her eyes tear up. She stayed in the car, attempted to gather herself, and erase the images. She heard his voice in her mind, his laughter, and finally let go of the tears. As the floodgates of emotions overtook her she yelled out with her head against the steering wheel. It was excruciating. She couldn’t remember the last time she had felt so much pain. She had successfully held it together pretty well when it happened, and all the way back to the ranch, but once she didn’t have to keep it together she fell to pieces. She couldn’t decide what hurt more; how she finally saw the truth about Ryan, or having to face the pain without Alex at her side.
She furiously wiped at her bloodshot eyes to dry the tears as she gathered her things to head inside. The house was hauntingly quiet and still, the only soul there was her. Riana ached to hear the laughter of Alex, Matthew and Derek, or the delighted squeal of Lexi as Derek got his hands on her. She wanted to hear the relentless teasing that would undoubtedly take place after Matthew started yet another fire in the grill. Instead, all she heard was the ticking of clocks, the water being filtered through the pool, and the call of coyotes. The same calls she had heard the night she found comfort in Alex’s bed after her nightmare. Even silence couldn’t stop the memories.
Riana made herself something to eat as she fought more memories; of every meal they had made together. Suddenly, she lost her appetite. She cursed as she tossed her half eaten sandwich away and trudged down the hall to her room. She decided to finally turn on her phone as she ran herself a bath.
The barrage of notifications brought out a throaty groan as Riana scrolled through them. Lexi and Alex were the main culprits, but she also saw Sam, Matt and Derek. She was thankful not to see anything from Ryan.
As she slipped into the steamy water she dialed Lexi’s number and closed her eyes. “Hey Ri.” Lexi answered gently.
“Hi Lex.” Riana breathed. “I just wanted to let you know I got to my destination.” She swished the water around.
“Where’d you end up?”
Riana leaned her head back against the ledge of the tub. “The ranch.” She replied simply. “It’s hard, being here. Everything reminds me of... him. Which is weird, isn’t it? I mean, shouldn’t I be preoccupied with what happened with Ryan?”
“What exactly did happen with Ryan?” Riana had tried not to think about it, but she supposed she’d have to process it eventually.
“You know, Lex, I’m not exactly sure.” Riana started with a deep breath. “I don’t even know why I went to see him. I already knew that it had reached the end, you know? But there’s always been something about him, something I couldn’t resist. The moment I saw him I knew I shouldn’t have gone. It’s as if I saw every difference in him I’d been blind to the last three years. He was so… detached. I felt so used by him, Lex. And then…” She closed her eyes and flashes appeared. “Then when I found him on the phone… he said something about a request coming from me. He told Alex to go to hell when I realized he was on my phone.” Lexi felt the pieces of what Derek had told her come together. Riana’s heart twisted and fought to keep beating as she was brought back to the moment. “He… He yelled at me. He’s never really yelled before. He told me I couldn’t see or talk to Alex anymore and I had to be the one to tell Alex.” Her breathes got choppy. “And when I told him I wouldn’t… he…”
Lexi interrupted quickly, “Did he hurt you Ri? So help me God if he touched you I’ll kill him.” Riana smiled weakly at Lexi’s overprotectiveness.
“He didn’t touch me, not...really. He terrified me though, he was so angry and demanding. He told me if I loved him I had to stop ‘consorting’ with Alex. He grabbed me…” Riana ran her hands along her upper arms and fought to remove the image of Ryan’s flushed face from her mind. She heard Lexi mumble something about him being a bastard. “He said if I walked out the door we were done. So I left.” Riana released a long breath.
“Oh Ri.” Lexi sighed.
“I’m kind of… confused, Lex. I mean, not about what happened with Ryan, it is what it is I guess. But all of this has brought up such a rush of feeling about Alex. I feel like I’m drowning. I don’t know if it’s real, or if I’m just craving that instant gratification of being wanted by someone. Because we all know I’ve been down that road before.” She grumbled.
“You’re a different person now, Ri. You’re strong and independent and understand the emotional reasons you used to do that. If you think about it, I’m pretty sure you’ll find these feelings for Alex aren’t new. Don’t you think maybe your heart is trying to tell you what you really need?” Lexi urged. If that were the case, Riana wondered if she could trust her heart. After all, wasn’t it her heart which kept her with Ryan for too long?
Riana reluctantly agreed. “You might be right. I’m going to go though, it was a long drive and I have to get some sleep. I love you, Lexi.” She removed her Bluetooth from her ear, tossed it on the ledge of the tub and deliberately lowered herself completely underwater. Behind her eyes she saw his; dark, deep and playful. She broke through the surface and wiped her face. She looked around and was reminded of her solitude.
Chapter Twenty-Six
What’s Left Of Me
September 21, 2006
It was going on eight days and Alex still hadn’t heard anything from Riana. Of course he relentlessly gave Matthew the third degree every chance he got. Matt told Alex he hadn’t heard anything else but Alex wouldn’t believe him. He had come to terms with the fact Riana and Matt had a relationship long before she and Alex did. He couldn’t blame her for reaching out to Matt. He just wished he knew what was going on, where she was-- anything.
Lexi flew out to New York to be with Derek, but Alex thought perhaps another reason was for her to provide him with a little bit of support. Alex was thankful that she was at least honest with him and let him know when she heard from Ri. Lexi didn’t give Alex much for details, but it helped him to know Riana wasn’t completely alone. “Hey buddy.” Lexi beckoned softly as she nestled in next to Alex on the couch. Alex looked over and gave her a half smile. He felt absolutely pitiful. “I just got a message from Ri.” Alex’s eyes lit up and Lexi smiled when she saw the quick change. “She’s starting to do a little better. She asked if Sam and I would go see her next week.”
“That’s great! You think she might talk to me soon?” Lexi’s eyes softened. She leaned into Alex and rubbed his arm.
“Oh sweetheart. I know this is really hard on you.”
“It’s more than hard Lex.” He blurted quickly. �
��I...I love her.” The only one who knew was Sam, but Alex needed Lexi to know as well. He needed to not feel so utterly desolate. He felt perhaps if he had them both in the loop they might help Riana figure out how she felt about him. He hoped she loved him, but he didn’t know for sure. He knew he’d be okay if she didn’t love him the way he loved her, he just wanted his best friend back.
“Really?” Lexi asked as she excitedly turned towards him and pulled her feet up and under her. “I mean, you know, I had hoped you did, and it seemed like you did, but do you really? Like, really love her?” She rambled.
Alex knew she was trying to ask if his love for Riana surpassed her being his best friend. Alex locked his eyes on Lexi’s. “I love her more than I’ve ever loved anyone in my life, Lexi. And to not be with her now, to know she’s hurting and I can’t fix it. It’s probably the most intense pain I’ve ever felt.” Alex’s eyes darted away. “Sam’s known for a while. Since the ranch. I knew I couldn’t tell Ri, I knew she had to work through things first. I probably still shouldn’t tell her. I mean, I’ve said it to her, but she thinks she’s my best friend. She is, but I love her beyond that.” Lexi nodded.
“Maybe it’s best not to share with her yet. But… I’ll keep this in mind when I go see her, okay? I won’t tell her, but I can at least help her work through some things knowing this in the back of my mind.” She then narrowed her eyes at Alex. “She needs something real, Alex. Don’t mess with her.”
“Honey?” Derek called. Lexi gave Alex a quick smile and a tight squeeze as she whispered assurances that things would work out. “Lex, come on, we’re going to be late.” Alex smiled as Lexi got up off the couch and met Derek with a sweet kiss.
September 27, 2006
"I think Apollo misses you."
Riana had slowly started to reconnect with Alex. She couldn’t bear to cut him completely out of her life. She had also slowly regained some resemblance of normal functioning after about four days. The first week definitely wasn’t her brightest, she was inconsolable and disheveled. She had dishes everywhere, and she barely got out of her pajamas. She spent a lot of time, probably too much time, with a glass of wine and a notebook at her side. She eventually pulled it together some, showered on a regular basis, started cleaning up the house and found some joy in music again. Her notebook didn’t always bring tears now, sometimes it brought moments of clarity. She even started to ride again. Which led her to her most recent text to Alex.
"Oh yeah? He probably wants to race again."
Riana was thankful he didn’t push her, and didn’t try to call. He didn’t ask about Ryan or how she was doing. Riana figured it would take a long time for them to get back to where they had been, if they ever got there at all.
"Yeah he probably does."
Riana looked at her screen and debated on finally changing from small talk to something more. A whisper in the back of her mind told her she needed to hear his voice. Before she could talk herself out of it, she clicked on his name and pressed talk. When she heard him pick up she considered hanging up.
“Hey sweetheart.” His deep voice greeted smoothly, gently. Goosebumps rolled over almost every inch of her body as his voice reached depths of her she didn’t think existed. Her breath caught in her throat and for a moment she wasn’t sure what to say.
“Hi.” She whispered softly as she watched her hands shake. They stayed quiet for a moment, yet she felt that with her calling him things were being said that didn’t need words. “Alex, I’m sorry I haven’t called.” She uttered carefully. “It’s been a rough couple weeks.” Alex remained quiet on the other end. “I just… I needed to process things.”
“I know, Ri.” He assured. Riana wished she was curled up in him with his strong arms around her. She missed how safe she felt with him. “I didn’t listen to him you know. I wouldn’t let him tell me who I could talk to.” She wasn’t sure how much Lexi or Matthew had shared with him over the last fifteen days. “It ended that day.”
“I’m sorry it ended like that Ri.” He whispered carefully.
Riana didn’t want him to feel the way she felt when he and Kim broke up. “It wasn’t your fault, Alex. It was mine. I… I wasn’t faithful to him.” She referred not only to the one kiss they shared--that one, magical, soul twisting kiss, but also her emotional attachment to Alex.
“Ri.” Alex started firmly. “He didn’t deserve you. He didn’t love you.” She dropped her head.
“I know.” It took a long time for Riana to come to terms with it, but Alex was right, Ryan didn’t love her. The part about not deserving her though, that was harder to accept. The silence that lingered between them was thick, with words that desperately wanted to be shared. “I miss you Alex.” Ri whispered. She braced herself for the rejection she feared.
“I miss you more Ri.” He murmured. Riana didn’t think it was possible. There was no way he needed her the way she needed him. There was no way he woke up numerous times a night and searched his bed for her the way she searched for him in the middle of the night.
“I have to go.” Riana proclaimed hastily before more secrets passed by her lips. She hung up and tried to calm down. His voice grasped her heart and refused to relinquish its hold. She stuffed her notebook, phone and pen into Adonis’ saddle bag and mounted for a mind-clearing run.
It had been wonderful to hear his voice again. There was a comfort to it for Riana that she couldn’t describe. He calmed her, yet drove her crazy. She felt the power of Adonis under her and was thankful for the rush, the distraction and the revitalizing moment. She hadn’t felt so alive in weeks. She actually found that she smiled against the sun and wind as Adonis took off to the end of the horizon.
September 28, 2006
“I’m so glad she’s finally ready to be with people again.” Sam commented from Lexi’s side on their flight to Arizona. “I think that’s the longest she’s gone alone.”
“I know. But what happened with Ryan was… huge. She needed the solitude. I agree though, I’m happy she finally asked us to come.” She absently flipped through the inflight magazine. “Honestly, though, I don’t think we are the ones she needs.” Samantha gave her a knowing look.
“I know. She needs him.” Lexi raised her eyebrows and nodded.
“That shall be my mission, Sam. I mean, after supporting her through whatever else she has to process. I swear though, she’ll see it. I imagine she already has, she’s just in massive amounts of denial.” Sam nodded, both of them well aware of Riana’s unfortunate habit of feeling unworthy of anything good.
“Things are going well with D?” Sam asked quietly as a smile danced on her lips.
“Things are going wonderfully.” Lexi confirmed. She and Derek falling for each other had happened so subtly she hardly noticed that it happened. Yet, once she did, Lexi knew it was right. “The record is coming along well, they’re all stoked about it. I was actually just helping him plan a surprise party for Alex’s 21st next month.”
“Oh super fun!” Sam squealed. Lexi leaned in closer, perfectly aware of the risk of being overheard any place she was.
“I’m really hoping to bring him the best present ever.” Sam met Lexi’s eyes and they both smiled as they whispered, “Riana.”
Their flight landed at 6:40pm and Riana patiently waited for them at baggage claim. Sam and Lexi ran to her and wrapped her in a tight, suffocating hug. Lexi noticed that a few young women took note of their reunion and knew it would soon be shared with the D.M.A. fan community. They didn’t discuss anything serious in the airport, they all knew how quickly anything they said would be taken out of context and spread online with the fans. Sam could tell Riana’s happiness at their arrival was genuine; how her eyes lit up and danced was proof enough for both her and Lexi that Riana was doing much better.
As they left the airport and headed into the vastness of the landscape that would lead them back to the ranch, they caught up. Riana didn’t share anything right away, but was eager to hear how Sam and Lexi had b
een. She was glad to hear that Derek and Lexi had slowly become more serious; taking casual dates and phone calls to more regular dates when they could and daily calls when Lexi wasn’t in New York with him. Sam had done a lot of traveling and shared entertaining stories of crazy locals in the remote areas she visited.
Finally, Riana started to share. “I’ve been writing a lot.” She offered. “I’m not sure if anything will come of it, in the way of publishing, but it’s been helpful.” Lexi smiled at Sam and nodded to Riana. “I felt a need to put into words where we started and where we ended up. I think as a way to grieve the end you know?” Lexi continued to nod, at least Riana hadn’t buried everything. “Apparently the end was much earlier than this month.” Riana mumbled. Lexi frowned a bit, the realization had to hurt. Lexi placed her hand on Riana’s arm and stroked her in silent comfort. Riana gave a thankful smile.
They got back to the ranch late, all of them fairly exhausted, but they stayed up for a while and relaxed in the hot tub with a glass of wine. After some laughs of times past, Riana got quiet. She looked over at Lexi hesitantly. “Lex? How’s… how’s he doing?” She didn’t have to specify of whom she spoke.
“Alex is doing okay. He’s hanging in there, hoping maybe once you get through your grieving he’ll get his best friend back.” Riana nodded slowly. “He’s gotten better since you started talking to him again.” Lexi continued. Riana started to spin her vertical labret and Lexi knew there was more on her mind.
“It’s been really hard without him.” Riana admitted. “I miss him. It feels like a part of me is missing. It doesn’t feel the same yet.” Lexi glanced at Sam. It was so obvious to them, she couldn’t understand why Riana fought something so right. She felt the same way Alex did.
Wednesday October 4, 2006
Disillusioned Love Page 25