On the way downstairs the next morning, I passed Noah’s closed bedroom door. I was tempted to knock or peer through the keyhole, but didn’t want to get caught.
I went running and came back to find Noah lounging on the couch, drinking coffee.
“How was your night?"
"Eh, it was all right.” Noah seemed distracted.
I did know what else to say to him and he didn’t ask me about my night, so at least I didn’t have to lie about my whereabouts.
I turned and went upstairs without saying anything more. I had to work at 1 p.m. and while I tool a shower and got ready, I thought about Noah’s increasing indifference toward me. It seemed that ever since Noah asked me if I was gaining weight, we hadn't had sex. Maybe he didn't want to sleep with me at all anymore? The idea made me tear up. My plans were going to be ruined even before I was fully able to implement them. I pulled myself together and finished my shower.
I was just finished getting dressed when Noah appeared in my room. I looked up and smiled at him.
"What time will you be home tonight?"
"I don't know."
"What do you mean you don't know?"
"I am going out with my sister after work." I don’t know why I lied. Self-preservation? I didn’t want to lay my heart out to him if I was boring him. I didn’t want to be seen as desperate.
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah. She has been bugging me to go out.” The one thing I had gained when I was seeing Kurt was that I had become a practiced liar. I said this one right to Noah’s face without any noticeable tell on my part.
"Where are you going?" He leaned up against the doorframe, his arms crossed in front of his chest, his blond hair brushing his cheek. He was absolutely gorgeous. I swallowed.
"I don't know yet."
"Oh." I decided to change the subject.
"Did you have fun last night?"
"It was okay."
"Where did you go?"
"To the Bier Stube. It was pretty dead for a Tuesday."
"Oh."
"I think we are going to play there next Friday, so something good came out of it."
"That's great."
Suddenly Noah walked over to me. He put his arms around me and started to kiss me. It caught me off guard.
"I missed you," he said, running his hands through my hair and down my spine. Shivers ran up me. Although not unwelcome, his attention threw me for a loop.
"It's been forever since we've been together," I said, trying to get him to tell me how much he wanted me. It didn't work.
"Mmm yeah," Noah began to kiss me again and we ended up in my bed. So I guess I didn’t need him to tell me anything. Show beats tell.
It was always awkward after it was over. If I was with Kurt I would say, "I love you," but that is not how it was with Noah. I really hated awkward pauses so I had to fill in the gap.
"That was great," I said, smiling at him as I pulled my underwear on.
Noah smiled back at me as he was zipping up his pants. "It was." God he was so hot, it made me a little crazy in the head. I got weak-kneed just looking at him. He was never going to be mine, was he?
Later as I was leaving for work, Noah walked me to the door and kissed me goodbye.
"Have a good day at work! Have fun tonight and be careful."
"Ok," I said smiling back at him. I was so surprised that he wasn't acting indifferent to me that I actually felt guilty about lying to him.
The lie! I nearly forgot. I had to make plans quick with someone so I didn't go home, plus I had to call my sister and ask her to lie for me, just in case. I was not someone who leaves loose ends when I lie.
Kurt had a rare night off from working with me. I was instead paired with Sarah. I didn't work with her ever, which was too bad because she was a lot of fun. She was shocked when I told her that I ended up living with Noah so soon after we had gone to see him at the Marty’s.
"I am proud of you! You saw something and went for it!" She said it like she admired me. It made me feel even worse about the non-relationship that Noah and I had. I had to try and set the record straight.
"It isn't perfect. He doesn't want to talk about 'us' at all," I said, trying to admit the truth to myself as I wiped down the espresso machine.
"What man does? None that I know." Sarah was leaning up against the counter, examining her manicure. Her words made me feel better.
"Would you like to go out and get a drink after work?" I asked her.
"Yes, that would be great."
"Great, because I lied to Noah and told him I was going out with my sister because he has been very indifferent lately about me going out without him and I don’t want to act desperate in front of him."
"I don’t blame you. Being desperate is worse than being cheated on in my opinion. I act that way with Mark. He could care less whether I came home at all." Mark was Sarah's long-time boyfriend who still lived at home with his parents, at 25, and had a curfew.
"I'm sure Mark cares about you." I tried to console Sarah. What was it with these men? Weren't there any good ones left?
Later in the evening, I called my sister Natalie in the unlikely event that Noah would go through my address book and call her. I invited her out to cover my bases, but she declined. She did demand to know why she was going to be part of a lie.
"Because Noah wanted to know who I was going out with."
"Who is this Noah?"
"He is my roommate/boyfriend." I didn't want to be interrogated by her.
"How long have you known him?"
"Years and years. He was Ian's friend." Good grief.
"Is he jealous or something?"
"I don’t think so."
"Well why are you lying to him?”
“Because it just fell out of my mouth.” I really hated talking to her sometimes.
“Is he jealous?”
“I don’t think so.”
I could hear her sigh over the phone.
“Lying is a terrible way to deal with someone you care about,” she said, her voice clipped as if she was gearing up to lecture me. “What are you hiding?”
It was my turn to sigh.
“It was just a small white lie. I didn’t want to appear desperate.” Why was I telling her this?
“White lies have a way of snowballing out of control,” Natalie said.
“Maybe I just don’t want to tell him the truth. We are at a difficult point in our relationship right now. I don’t know if he really likes me or not.” I just wanted to get off the phone with her. I would say anything.
“Maybe he is hiding his feelings from you.” Natalie sounded very serious.
Right. Like I was going to take relationship advice from someone who almost broke up her algebra teacher's marriage in high school.
"Who isn't hiding something? Thanks a lot! I owe you one!" I expertly hung up the phone; a skill that was honed by years and years of experience in dealing with her.
I thought about what Natalie said. Was Noah hiding something? Maybe he was beginning to have real feelings about me and didn't want me to get away. Maybe he wanted to test me to see if I would abide by his wishes. I didn't know what it all meant. I didn't think I wanted to find out either. It wasn’t like he was going to tell me. I have never seen anyone so skittish to talk about a relationship.
Later, that night, Sarah and I sat at the bar in a little neighborhood tavern about a block away from her house and I listened to her tell me what a dickhead her boyfriend Mark was. At least I wasn't alone in the shitty boyfriend department. It was nice to get caught up in someone else's misery for a change.
"We should go out more," Sarah said to me, after downing her fourth kamikaze.
"We should. This is fun." I agreed. It was good to have friends.
I went home to find Noah sitting on the couch watching a movie.
"Hi," I said, sitting down next to him.
"Hi," he answered, barely glancing at me.
Then silence. He didn't ask m
e if I had a good time or anything. After a few minutes, I got up to go to bed, alone, in my own room. Noah didn't stop me.
As I lay in bed I racked my brain trying to figure out what I did to cause Noah to not want me to stay in his room. Up until a week ago, things were going great. It had to be my fault, I thought as I searched for an answer.
Then I had another thought. What if I was the one who was pulling away from him? Here I am demanding he act all loveable toward me and I am the one who is in my room. Maybe if I was a little more open, it would allow him to be more open. It was worth a shot. I changed my clothes, checked my face, and went downstairs with a smile on my face.
"Would you like a beer?" I said as I walked into the living room.
Noah looked at me surprised. "Yeah."
I brought back two and sat down next to him.
"Thanks," he said.
"You're welcome." How civilized.
I tried to focus on the movie, but after drinking all that vodka, things were a little blurry. I closed my eyes.
"If you are tired, you should go to bed," Noah said.
I opened my eyes.
"No, I am fine." The last thing I wanted to do was to sleep in my own bed by myself. I didn't want to be presumptuous and go sleep in his bed. Why couldn't he be tired too?
I sat there for another half hour before throwing in the towel. I couldn't stay up any longer.
"I think I will go to bed," I said, standing.
Noah looked up at me.
"Ok. Goodnight."
"Goodnight," I said, disappointed that he didn't say he was going to bed too.
I went upstairs and fell asleep, alone, in my bed.
The next day was my day off, so I slept in.
My days off had previously been spent sitting by Noah's side, watching him play guitar. Since things had changed recently, I wasn't sure what I should do. I decided to go running early, and maybe to the mall. I had been saving money by not paying any rent, it would be nice to buy something for myself.
I was walking past Noah's room when I got up and he called me in.
"Hey Mia, can I talk to you about something?"
"Sure Noah, what is it?"
I walked in and he was propped up in bed, without his shirt on. Yum.
"Could you close the door?"
"Yea, sure." Now I was mystified. What could he want?
"Sit down."
"What is it Noah?" I said as I sat down on the end of his bed, far away from him.
"Mia, you know I like you."
Wow! This sounded big.
"I like you too Noah."
"Why are you so far away?" Noah leaned over and reached for me. I moved closer to him to not deny him the pleasure of holding my hands. I hoped he couldn't feel my heart beating in them.
"What is it?" I said, looking at him. His eyes were downcast, like he was suddenly shy. "You can tell me."
"I like you a lot, and I want this to work out." He looked at me, his blue eyes inches from my face.
"Me too," I answered, a little breathless. Did I just agree to something? What was he saying? What was wrong with me?
"It's just that I have needs. I'm pretty sexual."
What kind of needs?
"I think our sex life is great."
He did? I didn't.
"I think it can be better though. I really like oral stimulation. Really, I need it. Like every other day."
"Oh." I may be naive, but I know a raw deal when I hear one. This wasn't about us having more sex, it was about me giving him blowjobs without any reciprocation on his part. I immediately knew what Amy felt like. What the hell else was I going to say?
"Like right now?" Ok. It wasn't the best thing to say, but really I was thrown for a loop.
"No." Noah abruptly let go of my hands.
"Come on Noah, what do you want me to say? Am I to initiate it or will you let me know?"
"I would think that you would initiate it. I want you to want it. Like you can't live without it."
He couldn't be fucking serious, but he was. I didn't want to argue with him, so I tried to make the peace.
"Okay." What else could I say? I wanted to get out of there immediately before he asked for any more favors from me. I stood up.
"I'm starving. Do you want me to make coffee?" I said as I walked toward the door.
"Yeah, that would be great."
"Okay." It was the word of the day. What a bunch of shit this was, I thought as I walked downstairs. Just as much as I thought I loved him, at that moment my hate for him was just as intense. Who the fuck did he think he was? The worse of it was the answer to the question, would I do it? Yes, I would. I wanted to be Noah's girlfriend, not just his roommate and sex partner. It seems my idea of blow jobbing my way into his affection was coming to pass. That’s what I got for doing it the first night I went out with him. It seemed a precedent had been set. I don’t know whom I was angrier at, me or him. All I knew was that I was seething.
When I pulled into my driveway later after the mall, a party was in full swing. I wasn't sure if I was in the mood.
Inside, there were people all over the place. I didn't see anyone I knew, so I went upstairs to change clothes and then looked in at Noah's room. He wasn't there. I went down to the kitchen and he was standing up against the sink doing beer bongs with his band mates. Beer bongs. How high school. He smiled slightly when he saw me, but didn’t say anything. No 'hey' or 'hi.'
I stood on the edge of the group, watching them, hoping Noah would talk to me. No chance. I usually spent these parties in Noah's room with him; I really didn't know too many people that attended.
After standing there for about 15 minutes, I touched Noah on the arm as he was cheering the drummer of the band on.
"Hey Noah," I said.
He ignored me.
"Noah," I said louder, tapping his arm.
Noah jerked his arm away, giving me a dirty look.
How embarrassing. I wasn't sure if anyone noticed because it was extremely loud in the kitchen. I turned and went upstairs to my room, locking the door behind me.
The tears came. I wasn't sure if it was because I was humiliated or because I realized right then and there that Noah didn't love or respect me and I was unable to leave him. What was that about?
I tried to think about it rationally. He treated me like shit generally, parceling out his affection in small doses. Just enough that I stayed hooked, like a junkie. That was really unfair of him. I tried to be honest about my feelings but he was just playing me. I should really tell him to stop treating me so bad, I should. That would go over like a lead balloon, too.
It was unhealthy, I thought wiping away my tears. What was I going to do about it? Not a goddamned thing. Was I even able to do anything about it? It was like my life wasn’t even my own anymore, like he was giving me life. I felt like a parasite. I felt like I was underwater. Everything that happened before was a distant memory. I couldn’t remember what life was like pre-Noah.
I decided that if I was going to continue to live there, I was going to enjoy the ride for as long as it lasted. He was so hot, I knew I would have trouble keeping my emotions in check. I knew he was going to alternately ignore me and then shower me with affection. I would live for the good times. I was a slave to it. I would tread lightly to keep him in a good mood and refuse to argue with him when he wasn’t.
Because I wasn’t physically able to leave his side, I decided to have that second childhood I always wanted and threw caution to the wind.
In the coming weeks, I arranged my schedule for ease of use. I got up, went to work, came home, partied. I stopped thinking so much. I became like wallpaper, not having an opinion, being the good girlfriend.
Noah's friends were notorious drug addicts. The band, it seemed, was just an excuse to smoke pot, drop acid, and do coke (which I thought was terribly passé but what the hell did I know?). Not that there was anything wrong with that. I smoke a bit of the dope myself. I never used to be
much of an acid taker, but then again, I always had lame-ass friends. In my circle, I was always the person to do things first. I was the person that parents warned their kids about, the bad influence, the person who peer pressured you into doing things. It had been a pretty lonely existence until now. Now I was in danger of being the old lady stick-in-the-mud.
Although I was going along to get along, I still hadn’t earned the coveted title of “band girlfriend” by flaunting my relationship with Noah at a show. He had cancelled the gig at the Bier Stube because ‘he didn't feel like it,’ and the band did not have another show all summer, a fact that he apparently didn't care about.
Throughout the summer we limped along in our version of a relationship. We continued to have sex in some form or another, infrequently, his assertion that he needed blow jobs to live notwithstanding. These awkward encounters were usually fueled by either alcohol or pot. I didn’t feel great about the situation. To me, it was a cheap trade-off for being close to him.
I was standing in the kitchen looking into the refrigerator one afternoon in early September, when the other roommates came in. They stopped and looked at me, surprised.
"You're still here?" one said.
"What?"
"Dude, she doesn't know," the other one said.
"Know what?" I looked at each of them suspiciously. "What don't I know?"
They in turn looked at each other.
"Noah got back together with Serena."
"What?"
"Noah got back together with Serena."
"Bullshit. I just saw him. He’s in his room." I wanted to run out of there.
"Whatever," one of them said. They both stood there looking at me like I was completely nuts, so I left the room, and went right up to Noah's.
I paused outside the door. I could hear him talking on the phone.
"Yeah," I could hear him saying. "She is going to work later." I couldn't believe my ears. Who the fuck was he talking to?
I walked in.
"Yeah, I gotta go. Talk to you later." Noah hung up the phone. "Hi Mia."
"Who the fuck were you talking to?"
"What? Is that any way to talk to me?" Noah tried outraged indignation but suddenly it didn't look good on him anymore. He was caught and he knew it and I knew it by looking at him.
Tomorrow's June Page 11