by Fiona Murphy
It feels like it takes a really long time for them to finish and wheel me back to the room. I’m finally handed my daughter. After all this time, she’s real, she’s here, she’s beautiful. Someone cleaned her up completely and she really is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. Her gray eyes are like mine, and when I look in them, love swells up then explodes inside me, radiating through every cell in my body. My head goes down against hers, as I hold this moment close.
I blink when I realize I’m crying on her. When I raise my head Enzo is already wiping my tears away. His smile is soft, sweet. “Thank you.”
He shakes his head. “Thank you. She’s gorgeous, just like her mama. Do you think her eyes will stay gray?”
“I hope so. She really is prettier than any other baby I’ve ever seen.” I sigh. Her head is perfectly round with soft silky black hair, her nose is so cute, and her lips are the most adorable cupid bow she keeps smacking together.
“She’s gorgeous.” I sigh.
“I agree.” Enzo chuckles. “What do you think, is she a Lillian?”
We had talked about Lillian as a name to honor my grandmother, only as I look at her I shake my head. “Allegra,” I whisper. She stills and her little hands come together; I swear her head goes down in a yes. I look to Enzo. “What do you think? I look at her and joy fills me to my tiptoes.”
“Seems like she likes it. What do you think, Allegra?” She makes a snuffling sound as she brings her tiny hand to her mouth. “I think that’s a yes.”
“Okay, Mommy, do you want to try breastfeeding now?” the nurse who brought Allegra in asks.
I shake my head. “I’m not breastfeeding.”
“Right, I apologize. I’ll get some bottles made up. Guess what that means, Dad? You’re up for midnight feedings. Hope you got a good night’s sleep because those are a thing of the past.”
“I’m looking forward to it,” Enzo assures her.
Holding Allegra, I wonder if I’m doing the right thing. “Are you sure?”
“Hey, it’s not if I’m sure. This is about you. You’ve done everything you should to keep our daughter safe and get her here. If you don’t want to that is perfectly okay, she’ll be fine. What matters is you now. It’s going to take time for you to recover. Whatever you need to do that, I support.”
“Please don’t make me cry,” I mutter.
“I’m not trying to make you cry.” Enzo laughs as he sits next to me on the bed. His arm goes around me, pulling me against him.
***
Chloe
The next few weeks fly by. Allegra is a sweet, placid baby. With Nonna and Enzo jumping at the slightest noise she makes and both able to feed her, sometimes I feel unnecessary. Then there’s the way Enzo hovers over me, am I thirsty, am I hungry, do I want him to carry me downstairs, what do I want, what do I need? I’m happy, freaking ecstatic, but also deeply confused. I delivered his precious baby; why is he still acting like he cares about me and not a hundred percent focused on her like I thought he would be?
At one month Nonna announces it’s time for her to go back to Milan. She’ll settle all her affairs and be back in a few weeks. I’m overjoyed. I had no idea she was even considering the move. She assures me she couldn’t not, Enzo had been pressing her heavily over the last two weeks. Nonna couldn’t tell him no when he was so intent on making me happy. They found a small home only two blocks away, and he bought it a week ago.
Since Nonna is leaving we sit down to look at hiring a nanny. Enzo wants a live-in, there was a reason we added two bedrooms to the lowest level, after all. I’m not happy about someone living in except Enzo wants the nanny to cover the night feedings, from midnight to noon so he could work during the mornings without interruption. His questions are gentle about me going back to work, after my three months’ maternity leave are up. I tell him I haven’t changed my mind, even though half the time I’m not sure I could stand to be away from Allegra for an entire hour, let alone eight hours.
A week after Nonna has left I wake to find the bed empty. I haven’t woken up once to feed Allegra despite the baby monitor being on my side of the bed. Another piece of my heaven is how Enzo wraps his arms around me each night, making me feel safe and loved. I was so worried he would want to avoid me with sex off the table for at least six weeks. Enzo said the waiting made it better.
Padding out of our room, I can hear Enzo’s deep voice before I even step into the hall. “You are the prettiest baby in the entire world. Your mama and I agree, only being pretty isn’t all that, my love. Don’t let anyone tell you that. Beauty is from the inside out, like your mama. She’ll make sure you learn, I have no doubt about that. I’m going to tell you now, you’re going to thank me for picking her as your mama. True, there wasn’t much of a choice for me I was a goner the first time I saw her. It’s crazy, you go all these years sure you know everything, absolutely certain no one can tell you a damn thing, then you meet the love of your life and everything that came before her doesn’t matter, it all fades to nothing. All these plans you made go right out the window because all that matters is that person, them and no one and nothing else. I’ll tell you later when you can remember. I was so out of it, I asked her to marry me after knowing her six days. Hell, if I had gotten a ring sooner I would have asked her sooner.
“But your mama, she told me no. Broke my damn heart, she did. I get it, I did even then. I was thinking she’s nuts if she says yes, but I couldn’t not ask her.” I sway and clutch the doorframe. “She did the right thing at the time, made me slow my roll, forced me to give her the time she needed to accept I loved her, I needed her. I’m going to warn you right now, me and your mama, we aren’t the best at the whole love and romance thing. But that’s between adults, not for how much we love you, don’t ever worry about that. The other thing though, man, were we bad at it. But we’re getting better, we have the basics down and every day we keep trying. That’s what counts, that you never give up. Like Churchill said, if you’re going through hell, keep going. Ah, okay, Allegra, I’m going to need a burp out of you, my love.” He tucks her over his shoulder and croons low, “Fly Me to the Moon.”
Unable to stop crying, I go back to bed, trying desperately to stop before Enzo gets back. Even though it’s almost five minutes later when he comes into the room, I’m still crying. “Chloe, are you okay? What is it? Angel, you have to talk to me.”
I throw my arms around his neck. “I heard you talking to Allegra. I feel so stupid because I thought you didn’t love me and it was all about the baby. I’ve been so miserable, and I love you so much. I’m sorry I said no. I was terrified. You were such a jerk, yet I still loved you, and that scared me. What was wrong with me? What was wrong with you that you wanted me and yet were mean?”
Enzo squeezes me so tight I can’t breathe, and I don’t care. “I’m sorry, angel, so damn sorry. Falling in love with you wasn’t my finest moment. It scared me too. I told myself it was lust and it would die and to stay away from you but I couldn’t, you were in my blood. Then I held you in my arms and my world tilted on its axis, and I was reset to perfect but only when you were in my arms, when you touched me. You having so much power over me, it made me a fucker. I resented it, tried to get the power back, but it was too late. Then slowly I came to realize it was right, it was true. Because just like all I am belongs to you, you belong to me.”
I nod as I run my hand over his cheek. “I never wanted to belong to anyone but when I felt it, I knew it was supposed to be. There was no fighting it.”
He shifts me onto the bed, then bends down and reaches into his bedside table. I see the small box. “Okay, let me get it right this time. Chloe Hutchins, I fell for you the moment I saw you. I’m not the best man in the world, I’m not even the man you deserve, but I will try every day to make you feel like a princess, to make sure you know you have my whole heart and my very soul. I need you, Chloe. You’re my air, the blood that pumps through my veins. Please say you’re mine forever and always, the same wa
y I’m yours.”
Opening the box, he takes out the ring, the beautiful padparadscha ring he first asked me to marry him with. “Yes, Enzo Sabatini. I’m yours forever and always, not just for ten years.”
He laughs as he squeezes me tight. “That stupid bargain was a way of trying to keep control, to make you scream uncle first. I knew you weren’t going to say yes, but I hoped we could skip all the bullshit and it could just be you and me and that was all but we both, god we both had so much to work through. Even when you said yes. I was sure you would change your mind, that you didn’t love me, that you wanted the house and would take me if you had to. I was trying to protect myself from being hurt all over again.
“You deserved this ring a long time ago. I’ve carried it around wondering when was the right time to give it to you. Pauline told me to give it to you when you had the baby, but that felt all wrong. Because as much as I love our daughter, making you mine was never about her or kids or anything else but you.”
Running a hand over his chest, I nod. “I’m sorry I was petty and determined to make you be the one to give in first because I was trying to protect myself too. You were far braver than I was willing to be. I was trying to make you pay for hurting me even when I knew you were doing it in reaction to what I was doing. Communication; we’ll keep working on it every day, because I love you and being without you isn’t an option.”
“Every day,” he whispers against my lips. It’s a promise, a vow, one we seal with a kiss.
Epilogue
Chloe
“Why did you let me think I could make a cake? What kind of husband are you?” I mutter as yet another piece of the cake comes off while I’m trying to ice it.
“I’m a supportive, loving husband who also bought a backup cake.”
My head snaps up, he’s on the other side of the kitchen, he managed to get about a foot from where he was ten seconds ago. “You bought a backup cake? How could you? This is Allegra’s first birthday. Did you really think I couldn’t make my daughter a cake?”
He sighs. Before he even opens his mouth I blink then burst into laughter. “Oh, thank fucking god. I’m so happy. I’m sorry. Ignore me. Thank you for getting the cake.”
Enzo’s arms are around me, holding me tight. “Hormones from the baby or mommy-guilt?”
I shrug as I cling to him. “Both I think.” We just found out two weeks ago I’m pregnant again. It wasn’t a surprise, we planned it, or rather I told Enzo I was ready and he said whatever I wanted. I’ve finally found my equilibrium between work and home, or rather I was feeling less guilty about working. It helped my workday was only about five or six hours and there were some weeks when I only went into the office three or four days. I handled only our highest tier clients, as did Dante, and only reviewed our reports and made sure everything was running smoothly.
“I’m just disappointed I’m not that mom. I didn’t even make the food, you did it. You do everything and I’m just here—”
“Hey, no, do not even start. You are an amazing mom, Allegra adores you. You come in the door and she forgets I’m here. You are her number one, well, behind Cetta.” We laugh, Cetta and Allegra have a mutual adoration. Cetta doesn’t leave Allegra’s side for most of the day, even when Allegra is sleeping. Pepe hates being chewed, so he’s not a huge fan. Cetta acted as if Allegra was her baby.
I sniff. “Today, she’s all up on Bethany.”
“That’s because she knows Bethany is going to spoil her rotten. Once Alicia and Cesare get here with the kids and Allegra has to compete for attention she’ll be crying for you.”
Shaking my head, I kiss him. “You’re such a good liar. I shouldn’t love that about you. I’m a close second to you and I’ll take it any day of the week.”
I love how he blushes. He is the best father I’ve ever seen, that included television. Enzo adored the very minutiae of being a father, everything Allegra wanted or needed he was doing it before she even cried for it. I’m pretty sure it’s why she doesn’t cry much, she is sweet but she has her moments when she screams down the house. I’m almost sure it makes me a bad mom for being pleased it happens with the nanny, Evelyn, mostly. It wasn’t that Evelyn wasn’t a great nanny, I saw her genuine love and care for Allegra. It’s simply Allegra wants what she wants when she wants it and it was usually me or Enzo. Nonna was here daily to spend time with Allegra, usually in the afternoon to look over Allegra in case Enzo needed to keep working.
The front door opens, seconds later I hear Matteo squealing with happiness as he calls for Uncle Tony. I’m reminded of what I meant to ask earlier. “Where’s Dominic? Is he coming today?”
With a kiss on my forehead, Enzo shakes his head then lets me go to pull the stuffed shells out of the oven. “No, Tony said he was out of town for a few days. I’m curious because Tony then said something about Dom may be coming back with a wife of his own. Then he clammed up.”
“Huh, so he’s off in Russia picking up a mail-order bride or something? I thought Dominic was anti-marriage.”
Enzo shrugs, “That’s why I’m so curious. Dom has stated several times he’s not interested in getting married.”
“Interesting.” My phone goes off with a text. “Oh good, Russell is coming.” I sigh.
“Poor guy, I’m glad he’s getting out of the house for something other than work. And I’m proud of you for not saying anything about Adam. It’s obvious Russell is still in love with him.”
I nod. “They moved too fast.” Enzo laughs. “We were different. I think they were both more in love with the idea of love instead of actually in love. Lust isn’t love and I think for Russell it was lust and hope he finally found a guy he could settle down with. At least they didn’t make it to getting married. I think it would have been ten times worse. Russell was already having a hard time with his parents dealing with him and Adam. If Russell had cut his family off because they weren’t going to come to the wedding then they divorced, he would have been devastated. And have I told you lately how much I love you for getting him that job at Anton and Burton?”
Enzo nods. “I remember hoping desperately it was just lust. And I believe you told me two whole months ago. I think a spanking is in order because it’s been so long.” I’m wet at his words. Enzo grabs my ass, grinding into me. “I got out of bed way too early this morning.”
“Yes, you did. We have a nanny for a reason. I missed you this morning. Tonight, we let the nanny put Allegra to bed.”
“I doubt we’ll need Evelyn to do it. She’s going to crash before people even leave.”
“Ooh, even better.”
“Are you guys in here making out when I’m starving?” Dante groans.
I blush as I push my husband away. “No.”
Enzo nods, “Yes, go away. I’m not done seducing my wife for an early night.”
“Whatever you’re both sure things. Come on, I’m so hungry. I was eating Allegra’s Cheerios.”
Dante helps carry the dishes into the dining room. Within ten minutes everyone is around the table. Russell hugs me as he enters the room, I hold him tight for a minute as I whisper I’m happy he could be here. He blinks fast as I let him go then sits down beside Nonna. I’ve missed him over the last few months as he took time to heal from his break up. For a moment I simply take in the family I have now. Not just Nonna who has become a fixture in my home as we became closer and she enjoyed her grandma status with Allegra. There was Uncle Tony who loves to come over to cook with me for dinner at least once a week. Alicia who has become the big sister I never knew I was missing, patient when I called to ask one question or another about Allegra or even Enzo. Even Cesare, calm, steady, patient and always willing to help without hesitation. I’ve always treasured my relationship with Dante, for his confidence in me and the way he always had my back but over the last year both at work and home, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have been able to keep it all together without him. Bethany laughs as she hands Allegra to me, we share a look. Bethany wasn’t
just my sister-in-law, we’re more than sisters. We talked a dozen times a day, we're in and out of each other’s homes with and without our kids. I get now when she talked about fitting, I’m not sure how it happened but I fit in with this family not just through blood but with love. Maybe I won’t have to have six children in order to have the big loving family I dreamed of as a child... we’ll see.
From across the table, my eyes meet Enzo’s and hold. He sees it, he nods. He mouths the words. I don’t have to hear them to know what they are.
“Te amo sempre.” I love you, forever. He doesn’t have to tell me, he shows me every day, without fail.
Smiling, I repeat them back. His eyes glitter sending heat throughout my body. One day I’ll look at him and he won’t kick over bees in my tummy and make my skin tight, today isn’t that day. I’m thinking tomorrow won’t be it either. When the day comes though, I’ll have the memories of when he did and that will be enough.
Nine Years Later
Enzo
I look up to see Chloe closing the door to my home office. It isn’t often she comes into my office during the day and when she does it always ends with us making love. I perk up until she tosses a fat ass document on my desk. It’s upside down, I have to tilt my head to read it. Ah, fuck.
“You didn’t think I would forget, did you? In two weeks it’s our ten-year anniversary. The time has come to pay the piper, I’m about to make your wallet weep.”
Leaning back in my chair I can’t keep the smile off my face. She straddles me, god I love this woman. After ten years and five children, she is still sexy and beautiful to me. I’ll admit now, I kind of thought the love I felt when I first met her would wane, diminish just a bit but it hasn’t. If anything our love has grown stronger, deepened. Every day I wake up thankful for my angel. “My wallet is going to weep, huh? There’s only sixty bucks in it. It won’t take much.”
“Okay, then your bank account.” Chloe nips at my ear.
“You mean the account that has had your name on it too since the week after we got married?”