So when she ran her hands down his chest with the intent of feeling his bare skin and began running her fingers along his flesh underneath his shirt just above his waistband, the last thing she expected was what happened.
Zane broke off their kiss and Jennifer could tell he was struggling, but he said, “Jen, babe, this might not be a good idea.”
“What do you mean?”
“Just...I’m on, like, the first few steps of the most intense therapy I’ve ever gotten—hell, that I’ve ever voluntarily participated in.”
“So what’s that mean?” She noticed her thighs were clenched against each other—not good.
“It means...we need to wait.” He stroked her cheek—so sweet—and she got lost in the sincerity she could see in his beautiful blue eyes. “I want to—God, I want to make love to you in the worst way—but I think we need to hold off till I feel...stronger.”
She wasn’t sure what that meant, but she knew she wanted to do what was best for Zane, no matter how desperate and needy she felt in the moment. If Zane’s recovery was all she hoped it would be, they’d have plenty of time to make love in the future.
Plenty of time.
So she swallowed the saliva pooling in her mouth and forced her jaw to move, to respond to his words. “Whatever you need, Zane. I’m here for you...whatever you need that to be.”
“Goddamn, Jennifer Manders. You’re a good woman. What’d I ever do to deserve you?”
She had no idea how to respond to that, but she’d never thought of love in terms of deserving or earning. She’d always felt an unexplainable pull toward Zane, as if he was the earth and she was the moon—they belonged together...or they’d suffer apart and alone their entire lives because there was no one else out there for them—or for her, at any rate. So if they could finally make it work?
She was beginning to feel a little like Cinderella and maybe her dream was finally coming true. If that was the case, yes, she could wait. She could wait as long as he needed. And she would.
Chapter Twenty-five
“ZANE CARSON! OH, my gosh. How have you been?”
“Amazing, Jen. You have no idea. What about you? Val said you’re living up here in the Denver area.”
“Yeah. I grew up here, so it’s like coming home. I have an internship downtown, but I’m looking for full-time work in the meantime, because my internship will be over before I know it. I have a roommate and we have a cute little apartment. Mom’s moved to Pueblo, so I can’t just pop off to see her whenever I feel like it, but I’m closer nowadays than I used to be. Life’s good, I guess.”
“Are you...seeing anybody? Jen?”
“Zane, I—”
“I know things went to shit last time, Jen, but I—I really want to see you. We’re older now, more mature, and...”
“Um...”
“I really want to see you. Dinner or movies? Nothing high pressure. It doesn’t have to be like an official date. It can just be two friends catching up...”
Zane sat in the lobby, listening for Dr. Harvey to call his name. He’d grown used to the nondescript waiting room—its muted lighting, the watercolor paintings on the wall, the beige sofa and chairs lining the walls, even the end tables with stacks of magazines for patients to read while they waited. Zane preferred the company of his smart phone, though, and he’d find funny shit online to keep him occupied until the doc was ready for him.
He understood why the windows in this place were covered. They still let light in—they were covered by white mini blinds so the sun could brighten the room with minimal assistance from the fluorescent lights in the ceiling, but they stopped passersby from seeing in. Why? Because no one wanted anyone else to know they were seeing a head shrink.
At least, Zane didn’t want the whole world knowing. Yeah, he already owed so much to Dr. Harvey, but that didn’t mean he wanted to publicize his journey. Hell, he had a hard enough time talking to Jen about it.
So when Dr. Harvey took him back into his office, Zane started the conversation. “The other night, I resisted having sex.”
“Really? Why don’t you tell me about it?”
Zane told him some about the date and then said, “We were getting a little hot and heavy, but I knew that was dangerous. And I would have liked nothing more, you know? But I told her maybe it’s better if we didn’t. Not yet.”
“Resisting an urge. That’s good, Zane. That is what your response to a lot of your temptations must come down to, and the more you do it, the better you’ll get at it. Trust me. But I want to know: did it feel like a compulsion—like you simply had to do it—or was the desire coming from somewhere else inside? I ask, because...isn’t Jennifer the woman you told me you see your future with?”
“Yeah.”
“So...could you tell what was driving your need? Was it a desire for closeness and love or was it something else?”
“God, doc, I have no idea. When I get horny, I want to have sex.”
Dr. Harvey smiled. “Fair enough. That you were able to resist the urge gives me great hope. Are you still clean?”
“Yep.”
“Can you see now how being drunk or high can lower any kind of resistance you might otherwise be able to offer?”
“Yeah, definitely.”
“There are many different ways we can treat you, Zane, including inpatient, but I really think, based on our past conversations and your lifestyle, that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is definitely the way to go. Basically, what CBT does is help you deal with your addictions by giving you tools to fight off temptations. We’ll spend our time finding out what those tools are.”
“Sounds good.”
“You will have homework.”
“Homework?”
“Yes. I need you to spend time outside of here thinking, looking inside yourself, finding answers, discovering your strengths. I’ll also have you keep a journal.”
“I used to do that a long time ago.”
“Then doing it again shouldn’t be so difficult. And...”
“Yeah?”
“There’s a group—it’s a sexual addictions group based on the twelve-step recovery model. Group therapy has its pros and cons, and I realize it sometimes seems counterintuitive to put a bunch of sex addicts together under the same roof, but it works for many people.” Dr. Harvey quietly tapped his pen against the metal part of the clipboard on his lap. “I’m not sure how well it would work for you, though.”
Zane shrugged. “I could try it.”
“I know you’re a bit of a celebrity. That is my hesitation. If you’re distracting to the group for that reason...”
“Eh, I’m not worried about that so much. More worried about putting myself in the same damn situations I’ve been in in the past, you know? When you have a hot babe who’s ready, willing, and able and just your type...”
“And you’re addicted to sex, yes. You would be putting yourself in a precarious situation, and I appreciate that you’re thinking about these things, Zane. That’s progress. You’re actually viewing yourself from a different angle, one that helps you see what’s real in your life and what control you have over your situation.”
That assessment of himself made him feel better. “Yeah, that’s true. Thanks, doc.”
“But don’t think it’s over. You still have a lot of growing to do.” Dr. Harvey looked down at the sheet of paper attached to his clipboard. “As for the twelve-step group, there is one thing I’d like to mention. Yes, certainly, these are people who have the same struggles as you—which is why it can actually be a very healing thing. It’s support from people who are going through the same thing, who have been there. They are not groupies looking to score, Zane. They’re fellow addicts who want a sympathetic ear and are willing to listen as well. So...give it some thought, okay? And we’ll talk about it again in a week or so. I think you could find it empowering. As I said, my concern is that some of the people in the group could recognize you, and that could be distracting—for all of you.
“Just bear in mind that this will be a long road...but you won’t be going it alone. That’s the main reason why I want to look at all your options—to give you the best hope for recovery.”
Zane listened, mulling over that and many other options—including couples therapy—Dr. Harvey went over with him. The good thing was that he had choices—oh, so many choices. Just a few months ago, he’d felt like he had none, like his only option was to keep doing what he’d been doing until he died or until he hit rock bottom and there was nowhere to go but up. Dr. Harvey was showing Zane that he had hope and he had a life worth living...and that was worth every damn penny he paid the doctor each week. Every damn penny.
* * *
Jennifer was beginning to feel spoiled. Val had asked if she wanted to go out to lunch again—twice in one month. She didn’t know the last time that had happened. She would have guessed it was before Val had kids, but that wasn’t true. They didn’t have any money back then—they would have met at Taco Bell or Burger King, and it would have happened once a year.
But Val also said no kids if Jennifer could get by with it. When Jennifer asked why, her friend said it was because she had a business proposition for her, and she knew they’d both be distracted if their kids were in tow.
So Jennifer asked if Kara would mind watching Zoe for a couple of hours on Saturday and the teenager said, “No problem. I have no life.” Jennifer often didn’t know how to take the girl’s sense of humor, but she was good to Zoe, and that was all that mattered. Part of her felt guilty about not spending that time with her daughter, because Saturdays had usually been their day together and, if Val had wanted to have lunch, it was usually her with Zoe meeting Val (whether or not her friend had her own kids along with). But Jennifer promised they’d have a wonderful girls’ night together, just mother and daughter, and that helped alleviate some of the guilty feelings.
So Jennifer met Val at an Indian restaurant in Westminster, a charming place in a small shopping center she’d never been to. Val must have been waiting in her car, because she was walking toward Jennifer as she’d been making her way to the front of the restaurant. The grass surrounding the small building was green and lush, making Jennifer feel like she wanted to slip off her sandals and take a walk.
But who had time for that stuff anymore?
Val hugged her friend as she got close. “Thanks for meeting me. You’re gonna love this place. Amazing food.”
“I don’t eat Indian that often. In fact, I don’t think I’ve had Indian since the first time you took me a few years ago.”
“Are you kidding? Then you’re in for a treat.” Val grabbed the door handle and paused. “You like Indian, don’t you? If not, there’s another restaurant or two around here.”
“No, this is good. Honest.”
“Okay.” Val flashed her always-charming smile and stepped inside. Jennifer noticed first the pungent spices assaulting her nostrils, followed by the cool air hitting her face and shoulders. After that, she noticed the closeness of the place and the exotic feel of the décor and understood why Val had wanted to come here.
The host sat them in a booth and took their drink orders after giving them two huge menus. It was a good ten minutes before the two of them could actually talk. Jennifer had had to ask a lot of questions, wanting to make sure she’d love her meal, and then they’d perused the menus quite a bit before settling on what they wanted. Once their waiter had left to fill their orders, though, Jennifer decided to give Val her news before her friend hit her with whatever business matters she wanted to throw at her.
“So...Zane and I went out on a date last week—and Zoe went along.”
“What? Really? That’s great.”
“Yeah...it...turned out really well. I think—I’m afraid to even say it, but I think whatever kind of therapy Zane’s doing for recovery is helping.”
Val put her glass down. “Good. I know it’s been a struggle for him. Kind of...like Ethan in a lot of ways.”
Jennifer had only known the infidelity struggles Val had dealt with because her friend had told her. When Val and Ethan had officially hooked up, they were halfway across the state. Jennifer had never cared for how Ethan had tugged Val along at every turn, or so it had seemed, but Val had loved him deeply. “Did...Ethan ever feel remorse for what he did?”
“He must have, right? But...I don’t know. I know he does now, but back then? It always hurt so much—he could have nailed himself to a cross, and it wouldn’t have made me feel any better.”
“Yeah, you have a point. Zane seems to feel awful, but I never gave him another chance. Well...in between the times we’d get back together anyway. I got tired of the promises to be better, and this time seemed like more of the same—so this time I gave him an ultimatum. I have Zoe to worry about now. I don’t need him teaching her through example that it’s okay to cheat.”
“Have you told him yet?”
Jennifer bit the inside of her cheek. She knew Val was asking if she’d told Zane he was the father of Zoe. “Not yet.”
Val was a good enough friend that, in spite of the fact that Jennifer knew Val thought she was wrong for not telling him, she didn’t say it to Jennifer. She was going to let her friend make up her own mind to do it when she felt ready.
It almost felt like it was time.
“You’re probably wondering why I wanted you to come to lunch—without kids. It had nothing to do with them not liking Indian food.”
Jennifer grinned. “I didn’t figure.”
“Although I can tell you, Hayley’s not a big fan. If we ate it all the time, I think she’d be okay, but she’s not used to all the different spices. Brad has to be in the mood for it too. But...on with it already. You still hating your job?”
Jennifer almost stretched the truth, something she usually did when people asked, but she suspected Val would be able to see the lie...so she needed to just be honest. “Yeah. Pretty much. But I did manage to shut up one of the office bitches.”
Val smiled. “Thank heavens for that. What all do you do there again?”
“I mostly answer correspondence. You’d think in this day and age that all the feedback we’d get would be either on the phone or through the webform, but we get plenty of old-fashioned letters and lots of email. I have some other smaller duties, but that’s the main thing I do. And, uh, the company’s talked a few times about outsourcing our department.”
“So you kind of work in communications? Maybe organization?”
“Yeah. You might not remember I majored in Communications. Not exactly what I’m doing now, but along those lines.”
“Oh, yeah.” Val paused as the waiter brought a small basket of naan in preparation for their meal. “Well, let me tell you why I’m asking. You know I have a nanny now. That was a really smart move, because when I decided to start a music career again, I didn’t realize how much work it was going to be. I needed someone to be a loving caregiver when I couldn’t be—like when I was onstage or in the studio. I’m still around a lot and, even when I am there, my nanny is like my backup. She’s usually only at the house five days a week but I’m flexible and so is she. The point is...nowadays, I can’t imagine my life without Gracie.
“And now that I’m back in the music scene, I have to stay on top of promotion...so I have an online presence to maintain in addition to the occasional interview or other event I have to attend, even when I’m not on tour. I want to be a good mom and wife and still have free time, but my career is taking away from all that. I figured if I hired someone to work, say, thirty or forty hours a week organizing my crap, I could have my career and family too.”
Jennifer was flattered that her friend had thought of her, but to work for Val would mean giving up all her benefits—from health insurance to onsite daycare—not to mention she didn’t know what the pay would be. “I’m honored that you asked, Val.”
“But you have doubts. I can see that. Please know that I would pay you well—more than what you�
��re making now.”
“You don’t know what I’m making now.”
“Doesn’t matter. If my offer isn’t more than you make now, I’ll up it. And driving to my house...would it be farther than driving to work, right?”
“Maybe a little.”
“Those are the kinds of things I’m willing to work around. So, like, if you want to start working later in the morning to avoid the rush-hour BS or if you want to leave early instead, you got it. But that’s not all, is it?”
“I have insurance, daycare, retirement...”
“No worries, Jen. I can make sure all that’s taken care of.”
“Yeah?” The air around her suddenly felt lighter. “Seriously?” The food came to the table then, hot and steamy and a veritable buffet for her nostrils. “Let’s talk.” With the food came the promise of a future she could get excited about, and she heartily dug into both.
Chapter Twenty-six
“GODDAMN, INSANE ZANE. You look fantastic.” Zane considered every last man in Fully Automatic to be a solid friend, and his buddy Nick was no exception. They hadn’t seen each other in months, and it felt good to put his arms around the drummer and slap him on the back.
“You, too. A regular relationship looks good on you.”
“Bullshit. Gracie draped on my arm might make me look good, but the extra ten pounds lining my waist thanks to her cooking and spoiling the shit out of me most certainly does not. And I’m not stupid enough to think that it does.”
“What the hell’s the matter with us?” Ethan asked. “We’re all fuckin’ settling down—like respectable people. What’s up with that?”
Zane laughed. Even he was settling in for the long haul. He and Jen had been dating solidly for a month now—without having sex. It was the weirdest thing and yet it felt right. Dr. Harvey said taking it slowly would be fine, that he didn’t have to completely abstain, but Zane said it felt better. He liked feeling in control. He would decide when he was ready.
Locked and Loaded (Bullet, #6) Page 15