DRUM MAJOR:
Just look at that arse swing!
COPORAL:
Swing-a-ding-ding!
DRUM MAJOR:
I can just tell that would be a red-hot grind!
ANDRES and JOAN exeunt.
CORPORAL:
I can feel the old blood rising in me!
DRUM MAJOR:
More than blood, mate!
WOYZECK and MARIE exeunt.
DRUM MAJOR and CORPORAL (together: sing):
Crumpet! Crumpet! We’re on the hunt for crumpet!
Anything in skirts we see we’ll hump it, hump it!
We don’t care what we damage
When we’re out on the rampage
And those who don’t like it — can lump it,
Lump it, lump it, we’re on the hunt for crumpet!
***
Virgins, wives, widows and mothers:
Younger sisters and queer older brothers:
We screw ’em all, we screw ’em all:
The long and the short and the tall:
Our object is only orgasm
For we have such enthusiasm
For crumpet, crumpet, the quick bang and away
To live to screw another day!
BLACKOUT
SCENE EIGHT
Medical Corps office: as Scene Five: Two Doctors and WOYZECK (standing): DOCTOR TWO is just putting down a calibrated glass, half-full, on the table, having inspected it. He tests it with litmus paper, which turns a bright green; similar comic business, before anyone speaks, ending with a test which causes the glass to give off a flash and a cloud of smoke.
DOCTOR ONE:
Anything on your conscience, Private Woyzeck?
DOCTOR TWO:
Conscience clear?
WOYZECK:
(unsurely) No different from usual, sir, doctor.
D ONE:
Go to the fair last night?
D TWO:
See the Nudies?
WOYZECK:
Yes, sir. No, sir.
Long pause. Another test.
D ONE:
Sure there’s nothing on your conscience?
D TWO:
Not feeling guilty towards us?
WOYZECK:
No.
Long pause. The Doctors look at one another significantly: then suddenly attack.
D ONE:
A usually reliable witness saw you last night. . .
D TWO:
At the fair. . . .
D ONE:
Passing water behind a tent. . . .
D TWO:
Urinating against the canvas. . . .
Pause. WOYZECK remembers, but looks defiant.
D ONE:
Pissing up against a wall, Woyzeck!
D TWO:
Against a canvas wall. . . .
D ONE:
Like a dog, Woyzeck!
D TWO:
A dog!
Pause.
WOYZECK:
I had a. . . .call of nature. . . .
D ONE:
A call of nature!
D TWO:
Nature!
Doctors laugh.
D ONE:
You haven’t read our papers, have you, Woyzeck?
D TWO:
We have written papers together. . . .
D ONE:
One was called THE BLADDER MUSCLE AND THE HUMAN WILL. . . .
D TWO:
It proved beyond any possible doubt that the urinary mechanism is totally controlled by the brain, in human beings.
D ONE:
Nature doesn’t come into it, Private Woyzeck.
D TWO:
Balls to nature!
D ONE:
Man is free. . . .
D TWO:
Free to pee. . . .
D ONE:
When he chooses, Woyzeck!
D TWO:
Not when nature chooses!
Pause. DOCTOR ONE drums fingers on desk.
D ONE:
Do we pay you to take part in a very serious scientific experiment. . . .
D TWO:
Frontiers of knowledge. . . .
D ONE:
Or do we not?
D TWO:
Inch by inch. . . .
D ONE:
Or do we pay you to pee up against walls!
D TWO:
Behind tents!
Pause.
D ONE:
We could have made things very much more difficult for you, Woyzeck. . . .
D TWO:
We have been most considerately humane. . . .
D ONE:
We could have put you on a diet of stewed rhubarb, Woyzeck — without sugar. . . .
D TWO:
(refers to wall chart) Only one calorie per ounce!
D ONE:
You would have had to have eaten a minimum of forty-five pounds a day to have stayed alive on that diet, Woyzeck!
D TWO:
And been permanently on latrine duty at the same time.
D ONE:
Or we could have put you on boiled mushrooms. . . .
D TWO:
(refers to wall chart) Two calories per ounce!
Pause.
D ONE:
But we were good to you. . . .
D TWO:
Went out of our way. . .
D ONE:
All we asked for was your water, Woyzeck. . . .
D TWO:
ALL your water. . . .
D ONE:
Not very much to ask?
D TWO:
Very little in return for an extra half-day’s pay?
WOYZECK:
What about the bloody weed!
D ONE:
You look in good shape on it, Woyzeck!
D TWO:
It must suit you!
WOYZECK:
My clothes hang on me, and I feel weaker. I was very near to fainting this morning. . . .
D ONE:
Eat more sphagnum moss!
D TWO:
Drink more water!
D ONE:
We’re not hard men, Woyzeck.
D TWO:
Just scientists with a job to do.
D ONE:
We’re not angry with you. . . .
D TWO:
Anger is not very scientific. . . .
D ONE:
We just don’t want our project ruined. . . .
D TWO:
Isn’t that reasonable?
WOYZECK:
I’m sorry that my brain just can’t give the right orders to my bladder muscle. Under pressure, that is. But that’s how some people are, it’s their nature to be like that. . . .
D ONE:
Not that word again!
D TWO:
Balls to nature!
D ONE:
But that’s an interesting symptom. . . .
D TWO:
Very revealing. . . .
D ONE:
(making notes) “After eight days on sphagnum moss and water the subject showed distinct signs of relinquishing control of the bladder muscle. . . .”
D TWO:
Further mental deterioration can be expected. . . .
D ONE:
That is self-evident. . .
D TWO:
Obvious. . . .
D ONE:
I must consult with my colleague. . . .
D TWO:
I am willing to give a second opinion.
Pause while they consult.
D ONE:
We are prepared to forgive your lapse at the fairground last night. . .
D TWO:
And to allow the experiment to continue. . . .
D ONE:
Provided you are willing to place yourself in our hands. . .
D TWO:
So that the possibility of further lapses may be eliminated. . . .
D ONE:
In the Military Hospital. . . .
The beds are most comfortable in our Military Hospital. . . .
Pause. WOYZECK looks wildly from doctor to the other.
WOYZECK:
No!
BLACKOUT
SCENE NINE
Marie’s room. MARIE has the baby in her arms, and though it is obviously too small to talk or even to see much, she talks to it, shows it things. She has just taken it out of the cot when a military drum is heard. She rushes to the window holding the baby, and looks out.
MARIE:
Brrm bm bm! Hear the drums, hear the drums, babyboy! Hear them? (pause) And here they come! That one’s the drum major! What a soldier! Thighs like trees he has! (pause) And look, there’s your Auntie Joan — and ooh, who’s that she’s with? Looks like it’ll be ex-uncle Andres now! So there’s a new uncle for you, let’s call him Uncle Corporal-to-be-going-on-with.
Pause. MARIE turns away from the window.
MARIE:
(sings) Oh, how a man in battledress
Wins over the girl who couldn’t care less. . . .
(pause)
Thighs like young trees. . . .
BLACKOUT
SCENE TEN
Three hospital beds. In them WOYZECK, with various wires, electrodes and other equipment attached to him and looking gaunt, exhausted, half-sitting, half-lying, propped by pillows; ROBERTS, a man of about fifty, apparently healthy, sitting up, wanting to talk; and a figure lying still in the third bed.
ROBERTS:
You just can’t tell with doctors, now can you. I mean, you know about their exams? Well, they just get a pass or fail. There’s no knowing whether a man got top marks or only just scraped a pass. You can’t tell, yourself. (pause) I mean, you just go to one and say “I’ve got a pain inside” and they’ll say “It’s so and so” or “It’s such and such” without you telling them any more than that you’ve got a pain inside you. (pause) And when you think of it, as well, those who’d want to join the Army as doctors must be pretty well the lowest of the low. I mean, what goes wrong with soldiers in peacetime? Colic and VD, that’s about the lot, colic and VD. And they don’t get much of a chance to practice on women, now do they? So they don’t have to know that bit, the women’s specialities, do they? Oh, I know a lot of things must be the same as men, but I suspect anyone who wants to limit the amount they have to bother themselves to learn, don’t you?
During this speech WOYZECK has moved his head once or twice from side to side, but has given no real indication that he is listening: but he is not on the point of collapse, just weak.
ROBERTS:
But I suppose it means they have to put up with a lot of boredom, too, Army doctors. Do you remember when you had your medical to join up there was a doctor who looked at you to see if you had VD? Just imagine his job — sitting on a chair while a long line of naked bastards passed you, and peering at their privates all day long! (laughs; pause) And what about the poor sods who had to test your urine? That reminds me — when I had my medical there was a man next to me who just couldn’t pee a drop to save his life. But he couldn’t face going back with an empty glass either, so you know what? He had some of mine! (pause) I once thought of doing it myself, you know, studying medicine. It’s a long grind, but at the end of it you’re set for life, of course. But I could never face the grind. . . .
A NURSE enters with three trays of food. One she gives to ROBERTS, one she sets down on the bed of the third man: then she turns to WOYZECK.
NURSE:
Special treat for you today, Private Woyzeck!
WOYZECK stirs, lifts his head, struggles into a sitting position.
WOYZECK:
Oh?
NURSE:
Yes: a jelly! They’ve made you a lovely sphagnum moss jelly!
WOYZECK:
(ironically) What a treat!
NURSE:
Yes, isn’t it? Jelly has virtually no food value, so it isn’t breaking your regime to give it to you. And we thought you’d like a change.
WOYZECK:
Thank you very much.
He downs the thing in huge mouthfuls, quickly: helping it down with lots of water from jug and tumbler by his bedside. Exit NURSE, brightly. ROBERTS does not seem very hungry, only toys with his food. No sooner has WOYZECK finished than a monstrous piece of machinery is wheeled in by DOCTOR TWO and the NURSE, and they begin to use it to carry out various tests on WOYZECK. It is intended that the exact bizarre nature of the machine shall be left to the stage designer, and the nature of the comic business in its operation to the director and actors: adlibbing if they so choose.
But the following song might be incorporated, in rhythm with a particularly violent piece of testing.
WOYZECK:
(sings) Why is it
Whenever
You’re seen by
A doctor
You lose your
(despairing yell) Dignity!
DOCTOR TWO and NURSE:
Power! Power! We’re in it for the Power!
WOYZECK:
Why is it
So often
With doctors
You feel that
They’re not on
Your side (yells) OOOOOH!
DOCTOR TWO and NURSE:
Patients! Patients! Patients are irrelevant!
WOYZECK:
I know that
I’m only
The patient
DOCTOR TWO and NURSE: (stop testing for a moment to say:)
Good!
WOYZECK:
But why do
You treat me
So roughly?
DOCTOR TWO and NURSE:
Power! Power! We’re in it for the power!
WOYZECK:
Why should you
Want power
Over such
A poor sod
As me! Me!
Pause: DOCTOR TWO and NURSE are astounded.
DOCTOR TWO:
Power is its own reward!
NURSE:
Power over a human being is so satisfying!
DOCTOR TWO and NURSE:
Power! Power! We’re in it for the power!
After as much as possible has been made of the testing business, the machine is removed by DOCTOR TWO and NURSE when DOCTOR ONE and the CO enter on a tour of inspection. The CO sniffs heavily.
CO:
Smell?
DOCTOR ONE looks offended, does not answer.
CO:
Before we go any further, I’d like to ask your advice about some little trouble I’ve been having myself recently.
A look of vulturine interest comes over DOCTOR ONE’s face, and he shepherds the CO downstage out of earshot of the patients. WOYZECK lies back, even weaker now. ROBERTS reads a paperback, and the third man lies as still as ever.
CO:
It’s a peculiar sort of depression — not your ordinary kind of feeling-below-par, you know, but little things seem to set me crying — weeping, man! Weeping! Me! And for no reason at all that I can make out. Only today I suddenly saw one of my wife’s old dresses on a coathanger behind the door, and that set me off!
The Doctor s interest has lessened considerably.
D ONE:
Sounds as if you’ve got a touch of the human condition, sir.
CO:
Can anything be done for that?
D ONE:
No sir. Death is the only known relief. Some authorities even dispute that, sir.
CO:
You mean there are some things you doctors don’t know about? That’s contrary to what I’ve always been led to believe about the medical profession!
D ONE:
Ah, but there are lots of things we do know about sir! You look a very suitable subject for an apoplectic fit, sir, if I may say so, a classic case: bull-neck, purple with rich living, overweight. Let me tell you about your apoplexy, sir.
CO:
Damn my apoplexy! I’ve got melancholia!
&nb
sp; D ONE:
Oh, don’t upset yourself, sir, it’s most probable that your apoplexy may affect only one side at first: you’ll only be half paralysed then. On the other hand, you may be lucky enough for it only to affect the brain, in which case you’ll retain most of your limb movements and live for years as a sort of animated cabbage.
CO:
Damn you!
D ONE:
Or think how interesting it would be if just half the tongue were to be paralysed! The experiments that would become possible! Something to look forward to, sir!
CO:
People have been known to die of sheer bloody terror, you know!
Well Done God! Page 16