into carpet toolbag again and takes out a
Mediterranean. Her husband is
short length of model wire fencing. This
understood to be a very understanding
he places carefully beside the red line
man. When this child is born it turns out
opposite the upright of the tee junction.
to be — surprise! — the third part of
He then returns the motorcycle to first
himself! When this third part grows up
position and speeds it towards the
he goes around stirring up a right load of
pileup. As before, he releases it so it
trouble, gets on the wrong side of the
goes anywhere, then tidies it up: he
local law, and ends up dead. He then
sends the motorcycle one way, under the
proceeds to join the other two parts of
tanker, and the rider flying towards the
himself in wherever, which is now called
fence.
heaven.
PRIVATE: (to himself) The wires cut
through him like a cheesecutter.
SLEEPER: (vo) You don’t think it’s
new?
PRIVATE indicates over shoulder to
camera: for the first time his face can be
PRIVATE: They’ve heard it all before.
seen.
BCU SLEEPER, also seen for the first
SLEEPER: Like that? On the Epilogue?
time. He is about sixty, fat, bald, jovial.
They both break into loud laughter.
Full shot of set. The two men are on a
squash court. A carpet bag identical to
PRIVATE’s and belonging to SLEEPER
is in the right corner of the front wall.
Cameras are generally looking at court
from back wall position.
SLEEPER stands with his back against
the front wall. He is dressed in a long,
striped winceyette nightgown which
stretches to his ankles, and is barefoot.
On his head he wears a tasselled red
nightcap.
SLEEPER stops laughing suddenly, is
serious.
SLEEPER: I haven’t been feeling myself
today.
PRIVATE: You want me to do it for
you?
SLEEPER walks slowly but directly to
where PRIVATE is squatting with cars,
overturns tanker with bare big toe,
delicately.
SLEEPER: I’m beginning to feel sad
about my extremities, too, particularly
the smaller ones.
PRIVATE begins packing the models
away in his bag.
PRIVATE: Sometimes you treat me as
though I’m from another planet.
SLEEPER: But you are, aren’t you?
PRIVATE fishes in bag, brings out a
book entitled Essays: David Hume.
PRIVATE: How about Hume?
SLEEPER: Whom?
PRIVATE: Hume. Pronounced Hume. Of
The Standard of Taste.
SLEEPER takes book, opens it, begins
SLEEPER: Yes. Of the Standard of
reading.
Taste. “Men of the most confined
knowledge are able to remark a
difference of taste in the narrow circle of
their acquaintance, even where the
During this speech, establish detail of
persons have been educated under the
squash court: CU of comers, red lines at
same government, and have early
various levels, different material of
imbibed the same prejudices. But those
lower board, and so on.
who can enlarge their view to
contemplate distant nations and remote
ages, are still more surprised at the great
inconsistence and contrariety. We are apt
to call barbarous whatever departs
widely from our own taste and
apprehension; but soon find the epithet
of reproach retorted on us. And the
highest arrogance and self-conceit is at
last startled, on observing an equal
assurance on all sides, and scruples,
amidst such a contest of sentiment, to
pronounce positively in its own favour.”
BCU PRIVATE
PRIVATE: (eagerly) You mean it doesn’t
matter what they think of us?
SLEEPER: No, it doesn’t matter.
Though it may be painful.
PRIVATE: It’s all subjective opinion?
SLEEPER: Yes.
PRIVATE: So what does matter?
SLEEPER: Me. (pause) And perhaps you.
PRIVATE: Me! And perhaps you!
SLEEPER: Me!
SLEEPER: Me!
(pause)
SLEEPER: There you are, then.
PRIVATE: There you are!
SLEEPER: Where?
PRIVATE takes from his bag the
smallest 8mm home movie projector
available, sets it up to face front wall,
gets up, takes plug lead towards back
wall. Just before he reaches the flush
door in back wall it opens: a West Indian
Immediately door opens, sound of a
railway PORTER hands PRIVATE a tea
diesel express passing at high speed
tray (two mugs of tea on it) with one
through a main line station.
hand while with the other he takes the
projector plug and lead. Exit PORTER,
Sound off immediately door shuts.
door shuts.
PRIVATE puts tray down on floor, goes
back to projector, switches it on. Shown
on front wall is now a film of a squash
court with two women (pretty, athletic,
early twenties) playing squash very well.
Establish beyond doubt that the two men
are on a similar court by widest shot of
Music over: distantly, the sound of a
full set to include them, the projector,
boys’ bugle band rehearsing in a tin
front wall and as much as possible of
hall.
side walls.
BCU PRIVATE watching screen as
though he had never seen either women
or squash before.
BCU SLEEPER calm, taking it in his
SLEEPER: (to himself) A man taking
stride.
pictures of a man taking pictures: there
is something in that!
SLEEPER crosses to projector, switches
it off.
PRIVATE: But what happened in the
end?
SLEEPER plugs in another lead (i.e. at a
take-off point), which trails from his
own bag. On the other end is a miniature
slide projector (e.g. Ilford Elmo CS)
which SLEEPER sets up to throw on
right side wall.
PRIVATE: Once more you’re in the
forefront of non-stop developments.
SLEEPER: It’s my nature — don’t
crucify me for it.
PRIVATE: I wouldn’t crucify you with
SLEEPER smiles, settles himself,
someone else’s nails!
punches up the first slide: which is of a
Biblical pastoral scene (hills, shepherds)
of the cheapest printed kind (crude
colours and drawing) as given to
SLEEPER: The change in the rules of
children at some Sunday schools.
the game is that anyone can now gain
entry to this place called heaven. The
<
br /> trouble is that the regulations for entry
are rather obscure, and there’s no way of
telling whether it’s worth going to
anyway.
New slide: El Greco’s “Christ expelling
At the same time as heaven was
the moneylenders”
christened, two other parts of wherever
were renamed purgatory and hell.
Purgatory is a sort of halfway house
between heaven and hell. There is also
another place called limbo, which is
BCU PRIVATE: sulking
where he has sent all those unfortunate
enough to have been born between
himself and the third part of himself.
Residents include such all-time
favourites as Moses, Job, Socrates,
Change slide to Roman soldier, grinning
Heraclitus, the Unknown Centurion, and
foolishly
Julius Caesar. Few actual details of
limbo have been allowed to seep out,
but it does not appear to be as bad as
hell; nothing, it was said, could be as
bad as hell.
Change slide to another pastoral scene
To qualify for entry into any of the new
of same type as before.
places you had first of all to be dead.
Then, if you had satisfied the regulations
and been what was accepted as good,
Change slide back, as if by accident, to
you were at once translated to heaven
grinning Roman soldier.
and given over to endless pleasure —
whether you felt like it or not. If you had
PRIVATE begins to get restless, fiddles
not been good, then you went to hell,
to change reel on his own projector.
which was very painful and also without
end. If there was any doubt about
whether you had been good or not good,
Proper slide replaces soldier: which is of
then you did a stretch in purgatory while
Frank Lloyd Wright’s house Falling
he sorted things out in what might
Water.
presumably be called his mind. Later you
would be posted either up to heaven or
down to hell, though these directions, up
and down, must be considered
Change slide to still of Skylon at 1951
metaphorical, of course. But even if you
Festival of Britain.
made it into heaven, you still had to
watch it: there were examples of people
being chucked out for one kind of
mafficking about or another.
PRIVATE finishes changing reels.
Once you were in hell, however, you had
to settle down to it: you were not
allowed out, however good you tried to
be through the unimaginable pain.
Silence.
When it is clear SLEEPER has finished,
PRIVATE starts his projector. On front
wall is now projected a film loop of a
dolphin leaping out of water up towards
an object held high, failing to reach it,
and falling back again into the pool.
Loop repeats endlessly during following
conversation and until indicated.
PRIVATE: (proudly, indicating screen)
That’s a genuine Turkish bath.
SLEEPER: The Turks overran these
parts?
PRIVATE: (nods) Yes. They were
bastards then, the Turks.
SLEEPER: (mildly) We’ve been bastards
ourselves, in our time.
PRIVATE: Yes. Not now, though. Nor
the Turks.
SLEEPER: How come there’s still much
bastardy about, then?
PRIVATE: Must be. . . .others. . .
SLEEPER: Other who?
PRIVATE: Other Turks.
SLEEPER tosses florin at PRIVATE in
token contempt. PRIVATE picks it up,
flips it high in the air, catches it, looks at
it.
PRIVATE: Nineteen sixty-one! Did you
know that you can read that upside
down?
SLEEPER comes across to him, takes
the coin back.
Well Done God! Page 26