by D. D. Prince
“Joanne,” Mom corrected. “Or Mom.”
My dad returned at that point.
“Thanks, Sir,” Spencer said.
“For what?” Dad was oblivious.
“For the romantic night away we got Spencer for his birthday,” Mom said pointedly with big eyes. “I mean, that we got the kids just because. It’s not until next month, but the inn is supposed to be lovely.”
Dad glanced at the card in Spencer’s hand. “Oh. We. Yeah. Right.” Dad rolled his eyes. “Lemme see?”
Spencer passed Dad the little card. “Thank you both. I’ll take the card behind your back, too, Mrs. … Joanne. Since you went to the effort.”
“Mom, you’re failing epically at the non-birthday thing,” I deadpanned.
She looked at Spencer. “Sorry. Pippa won’t say why, but said you don’t like birthdays. We love birthdays in this family so it’s gonna be real hard to ignore yours. But, I’ll try.” She handed him the card from behind her back, which was all crinkled now.
“She’ll fail,” I stage whispered.
Spencer smiled. “It’s all right. I appreciate the gesture.”
“Hm,” Dad said. “You bought our daughter and her boyfriend a night in a motel? That’s a little tacky, Joanne.”
“Dad!”
“Phillip!”
“Separate rooms, I hope.” Dad gave Spencer an evil eye.
Spencer stared at Dad, his expression unreadable to me. Dad laughed uproariously and slapped Spencer on the back.
“God, you guys,” I moaned.
***
We went back to the clubhouse after quickly checking at my brother’s to make sure all was okay, put the mail in, and grab some more clothes.
When we got back to the clubhouse, there was a party happening in the lounge with a couple of the guys. Brady, Blow, Pudge, and a few other guys. Music was loud. Bronto, behind the bar, gave me a chin jerk. There were four girls here, three that I didn’t know, but one of them Leanne who was a waitress at the Roadhouse who snapped the pictures of me at the ATM with the Jackals. She was on Blow’s lap; his arm was around her middle. I almost tripped and looked right at him.
“How’s Marlena doing?” I asked sarcastically, petting Spencer’s dog. He’d been laying on the floor chewing on a bone but jumped up, tail wagging and headed in our direction as soon as we’d entered.
Blow looked at Spencer with his eyebrows raised. Leanne’s eyes hit her lap and she bit into her bottom lip.
Spencer tugged on my hand and we headed down the hallway to his room.
Once he unlocked it and we were inside, and the door shut, I lost it. “What the fuck?” I snapped.
Spencer threw his coat off.
“His girlfriend is in the fucking hospital and he’s got a club bunny or waitress or whatever on his lap?”
“Not our business, Sunshine.”
My mouth dropped open.
“Here comes the part that’s not gonna be fun,” he grumbled.
“What?”
“The part where I tell you that stayin’ here right now, you’ll see shit you don’t like. You’re new to the life so you need to know this. Not all brothers are dawgs, but unfortunately, some of them are. You see shit you don’t like, you say nothing. Things’re amped right now and the last thing Blow needs---”
“What?” I shouted. “The last thing Blow needs? Blow needs?”
Spencer raised his hand. “He is who he is. It’s between him and his woman.”
“His woman who is in the I-C-fucking-U?”
“Chill out a sec, Sunshine…”
“No. I don’t think so.”
“This isn’t about you ‘n me, Pippa.”
“No, it’s not, but it turns my stomach, Spencer.”
He sat down and blew out a breath.
“Does Marlena know he’s not faithful?”
“Don’t know. They’re semi-new so they might not even be exclusive. Last I heard, he was thinkin’ about making her his old lady. Don’t know if that happened.”
“Well, the last I heard, she was in the hospital because of the Jackals plot against the Doms. If that doesn’t buy her his loyalty, at least until she’s released from the hospital, then it’s pretty fucking sad.”
He stared.
“What do you think?” I asked.
“What I think is it’s none of my business. She’s out of ICU, too. She’s in critical now.”
“But what do you think about that? About him cheating on his girlfriend who is in the hospital, in critical condition, because his enemy screwed with her brakes?”
He studied me. I folded my arms across my chest.
“I gotta walk my dog. Talk to Blow. Back in a few minutes.” He grabbed his jacket.
“Tell him he’s a disloyal fucking asshole. And take your time. I won’t wait up,” I grumbled and reached into my overnight bag for my facewash and toothbrush.
I went for the door. He blocked me.
“I’m not gonna cheat on you,” he told me.
I stared, my expression hard.
He put his hand to my jaw and stared deep.
“I don’t cheat.”
“Good,” I said. “Because you’d lose me.”
“I don’t approve of it.”
I stared.
“But, Sunshine. It’s a fact of life in the MC. Some men do. We look the other way and say nothing. This life is about makin’ your own rules but living within a code. Live and let live. As long as he stays in his own lane, as long as what he does isn’t harming his brothers... we take his back, even if we don’t like how he drives. We don’t make his life harder. We also ask our women to respect that.”
“So, if it was you here with a club bunny on your lap, Ella and Jenna would have to keep their mouths shut about it?”
“Yes.”
“They wouldn’t,” I said.
He rolled his eyes. “Don’t matter ‘cuz there will never be a bunny in my lap, Pippa.”
“There better not be,” I snapped.
“’Cuz you’ll break her nose?” he teased.
My mouth dropped open and I glared at him.
“I’m jokin’. There won’t be a bunny in my lap.”
“Whatever.”
“Sunshine…”
“I need space. Back off.”
“Pippa, fuck.”
Chakotay barked at Spencer.
I patted his head and glared at Spencer. “Don’t think for a minute I’ll keep my mouth shut if I see Rider, Deacon, or Scooter with a bunny in their lap, all right? In fact, I can’t promise I won’t tell Marlena, because if I’m around and she’s around, she’s gonna be in my girl crew and I am not a girl that fucks her friends over. So, tell your biker brothers that they better hope they don’t see me when they’re cheating, or their women will get told.”
He glared. “No, they won’t. You’re that kind of old lady, you won’t be around---”
My eyes bulged and I saw red. “Then let’s call this off right now then!”
“I didn’t fuckin’ mean around me, I meant around the club other than family times.”
“Bullshit.”
“Not bullshit, Pippa. You don’t fuckin’ understand…”
“Understand what?”
“Forget it. Fuckin’ forget it. I’m gonna walk my dog. Move.”
I was in front of the door.
“Forget what, Spencer?” I demanded.
“Move outta the way, babe.”
“No.”
He glared at me and my blood ran cold and in my mind, I saw his hand fly out and backhand me. It was only in my mind, but it was enough to send me backwards about three feet. My heart was racing.
“I was not gonna fuckin’ lay a hand on you,” He told me, leaning forward aggressively.
I looked away. My hand was on my chest. My heart was racing.
Chakotay barked once. Loud. I put my toiletries on the dresser and sat on the bed to catch my breath.
“Pippa…”
> “Go walk the dog.”
“I wasn’t gonna---”
“Go walk the dog,” I whispered, trying to stop my body from shaking.
Chakotay barked again. And again. He kept barking at me. I started to cry. I put my hands over my face.
Spencer was in front of me, on his knees. His hands were on my face.
“Shut up,” Spencer told him. “Sit.”
The dog stopped barking.
“I wasn’t gonna touch you, baby. I swear.”
I nodded. “I know. Logically I know, but…”
He put his face in my lap. The dog jumped up on the bed beside me and nudged my arm with his nose. I patted his head.
“I’m okay, boy.”
“One sec,” he said and grabbed the leash from the back of the door and opened the door to step out, slapping his leg.
Chakotay didn’t budge.
“Let’s go,” Spencer snapped.
The dog whined.
“Now.” Spencer pointed at the floor. Chakotay then jumped down and followed him out.
I tried to catch my breath. I only got a few deep breaths out when he was back.
“Where’s Chakotay?”
“Asked Brady to walk him.”
“Oh.”
He turned the light out and then I felt him in the bed. He hauled me with him until he was lying down, me against his side. I was stiff.
I frowned.
“Come here.”
“I’m here.”
“Cuddle into me.”
“I don’t want to,” I whispered.
“Baby, please. I have shit to say to you.”
I held myself stiff. “I really need a minute to get my head together, Spencer. Can you maybe drop me off at Jenna’s? I’ll stay there tonight, and you and me can just take a minute---”
“I don’t want a fuckin’ minute.”
“We’ve been together non-stop except for work, and---”
“And that’s not fuckin’ changing, so forget Jenna’s. Let me talk.”
“I don’t wanna talk,” I whispered.
“That’s okay because I didn’t want you to talk. I’m gonna fuckin’ talk.”
“In the dark?”
“Yes. Now shut up and listen.”
“Don’t tell me to shut up!”
“Pip---”
“No. Fuck you, Spencer. I’m outta here.” I tried to scramble away.
He pinned me.
“Are you pinning me? Seriously?”
“Yes, now let me talk.”
“Fuck you.”
“Pippa, baby. I’m askin’ you.” His voice went gentle. “I need for you to hear me right now. Don’t fuck this up by shutting down on me. You fuck this up, you might not get this from me without a battle. This is important.”
He was quiet a second and then he rolled off, like he was gonna go. I reached out in the dark and caught his hand.
“Okay,” I said and squeezed his fingers. He moved back to me and I let go. He got beside me. We weren’t touching, but I could feel him close.
“I don’t condone cheating,” he finally said.
I rolled my eyes. He couldn’t see it as we were in the dark, though.
“I fuckin’ hate it,” he added. “Ask any brother, they’ll confirm I’ve found a way to be a dick to anybody when I’ve seen cheating goin’ on. I’ve been warned about my attitude on the subject a time or two.”
I didn’t say anything.
“Shelly cheated on Dad. He didn’t cheat. They had a few spells of being split for long stretches at a time and I’m sure he found company during those times, but when they were on, he was committed. He didn’t fuck around on her. She did the fuckin’ around. One of those times it was blatantly in front of two of her kids. Joelle when she was little, and me.”
I bit down on my lip.
“I was home sick one day from school. Dad was on the road, on a long run for the club, and I was runnin’ a high fever. Sick as a dog. She didn’t take me to the doctor. She gave me a warmed-up can of soup and got in the shower. I puked it up on the kitchen floor and she made me clean up my own puke because she had to get her hair blow-dried. Told me to watch Joelle. Joelle was about three, meanin’ I was around eight or nine. She leaves the house and goes out to a van that sat in the street. Van was done up. It was rockin’. You get my drift. Jojo says, ‘it’s a secret. Mommy goes out there to the secret van sometimes when you and Ride ‘n Deacon are at school and I watch toons.’ She called cartoons ‘toons’. Actually, called me Spenter and Deacon Deaton. Fuck, she was a cute little thing.” He stopped talking for a minute, like he was deep in thought.
“Spencer?” I prompted after a while.
“Fucking Shelly. She came back in to use the can and grab beers and I was fallin’ asleep, feelin’ so fuckin’ sick. Jojo’s just watching cartoons on the couch beside me, sharing my blanket. She surrounded me with her stuffed animals to make me feel better. Shelly reminds me to watch my sister and fucks off back outside with beer to this shithead’s van and she’s wasted. Just shitfaced. I look out the window and watch her as she fuckin’ stumbles back out there and he opens the side door and there’s a fuckin’ bed in the back. The guy’s in his fuckin’ boxers and wife beater, waving her back in.”
My stomach twisted.
He kept talking. “I fell asleep. Like I said, I was sick as a dog, runnin’ a high fever. Joelle tries to get the Easy Rider DVD from high on the shelf on the TV cabinet. All her movies were where she could reach ‘em, but she wanted to watch that one. She falls and cuts her head open on the coffee table. Fuckin’ blood gushing from her head when our mother comes back in and finds me trying to stop the blood with Kleenex, my sister on the floor cryin’. Dad comes home and she’s beating the shit outta me for not watching my sister properly. So I told him. Told him she was out in a van with some guy in his underwear. It was ugly. Shelly threw a beer bottle at him and Dad kicked her out. I felt like shit because my little sister got hurt on my watch and then I got my mother kicked outta the house. Dad took us to the hospital ‘cuz she gave more of a shit about getting high ‘n laid in the street than about leavin’ her sick 104 fever kid to babysit her toddler who wound up with a scar on her forehead. Jojo had to get four stitches in her head and I was kept in for two days with pneumonia and dehydration.”
My chest was burning.
“Hate that bitch. Hate what she did. Before Joelle was born, she took off for six months. Just left us. Hated how Dad let her come back so many times. She’d feed him a line that she was sober, that she was gonna be better. I think he figured he was stuck with her shit and had to keep her around to avoid her bein’ a bigger thorn in his side. He probably didn’t see half the shit she pulled. Didn’t fuckin’ know. He was busy workin’ to put food on the table, rising up in the club to provide for his family. She said she cheated because he ignored her, didn’t love her. I know there’s two sides to every story but what I saw, it was a loveless marriage, but she was the one doin’ the mistreating. After that, club women were always around when Dad wasn’t. He made sure we weren’t left with her long without other eyes on us. I didn’t rat after that first time, because I got her kicked out of the house and felt shit for it. She showed up at my fuckin’ school the next week when I was back to thank me for getting’ her kicked out. Said she had to sleep on a dirty couch at a pool hall because of me. But fuck, he got home in the middle of her slappin’ me around. He’d have caught her anyway.”
We were quiet a minute.
“I don’t like talkin’ about shit. I fuckin’ hate it. But I got started so might as well get out the worst.”
He took a big breath. “We both have baggage, baby. You got demons and so do I. But club stuff won’t ever come between you ‘n me. I will never fuckin’ cheat, I promise you. Things around here are too much for you, I shield you. I didn’t mean I’d give you up because some fuckhead piece of shit is cheating on his woman. I meant I wouldn’t have you stay here if shit’s happenin’ that b
others you. You can’t say shit. It’s just how it’s gotta work. Please don’t fight me on that. Say nothing to Marlena. I’ll make sure you don’t get put in this position again.”
“Okay,” I whispered.
He was quiet a minute and then started talking again.
“She lost her fiancé when she was nineteen. He died in a knife fight with a rival MC.”
I was about to ask who, wondering if he was talking about Marlena but he kept talking and I realized quickly he was still talking about Shelly.
“He was a biker, Danny Spencer. Up and comer in the Black Reapers. His son is the President of the Sioux Falls chapter now. Her Danny was divorced. She said she loved him, and they were supposed to get married. He died on April 7.”
I gasped.
“Yeah. She went off on a biker fuckin’ spree and tied herself to the first biker she got to knock her up. It happened to be my father. She named me after the dead fiancé she mourned because I was born on the fifth anniversary of his death. Somehow her wantin’ to keep his memory alive in me turned to bitterness. She’d alternate between fuckin’ spoiling and neglecting me when I was small, created a little brat, and when things with her and my dad went bad and she started drinkin’, cheatin’, and getting high, turned to her hating sayin’ my name. Hated my birthday. Treated me like she hated me. She’d get wasted and pull me aside and tell me about how much better her life woulda been if the real Spencer had lived. Then I’d be his kid and maybe I’d be worth something.”
I rolled into him and cried into his chest.
He put his arms around me.
“I don’t talk about this.”
I nodded, soaking his chest with my tears.
“We don’t talk about this, okay?”
“Okay.”
“I’m a bitter fuckin’ asshole who lashed out all sorts for years because of the way I felt about myself, because of the way I felt about my ma. Other bullshit that comes with bein’ a kid in a perpetual bad fuckin’ mood because he let his ma tell him he wasn’t good enough and eventually, even not believin’ that was true, he let the bitterness burrow deep. I’m a man and have to get the fuck over my demons. I’m movin’ on. Windshield, not rearview. And that’s because of you.”
“Me?”
“Because I see the life I want when I look in your eyes, Pippa. I don’t wanna look back. I can’t promise I won’t occasionally be a bit of an asshole, but I’m fuckin’ tryin’. Trying for you. Trying to be a better brother and son, too. You give me a reason.”