by Robyn Carr
When the bills got just too steep,
And I never passed a cry for help,
Though at times I shook with fear,
And sometimes, God forgive me,
I’ve wept unmanly tears.
I know I don’t deserve a place
Among the people here,
They never wanted me around
Except to calm their fears.
If you’ve a place for me here, Lord,
It needn’t be so grand,
I never expected or had too much,
But if you don’t, I’ll understand.
There was a silence all around the throne
Where the saints had often trod
As the soldier waited quietly,
For the judgment of his God,
Step forward now, you soldier,
You’ve borne your burdens well,
Walk peacefully on Heaven’s streets,
You’ve done your time in Hell.
After a brief prayer, the crowd began to disperse. Carrie James approached Rawley. “My condolences, Rawley. I have a couple of platters and a casserole for you. I could bring them by your house or you could take them now. I have them in the van.”
He lifted his brows. “You know I did all the meals for my dad, right? He was infirm.”
“I know. But you might not feel like it right now. And it’s important you eat.”
Cooper could tell he was speechless. It took a while but finally Rawley said, “I could make coffee.”
Carrie smiled and said, “That would be nice, Rawley. We’ll follow you home.”
*
It was a very brief open house at Rawley’s place—the folks had to return to work. But there were twenty of them including Cliff from Cliffhanger’s and his wife, Aunt Lou, Ray Anne, Stu from the diner and his wife, Belinda. Landon got a pass from school to represent Sarah, who had to work. A few of Rawley’s neighbors showed up. Carrie and Gina brought a couple of big trays of cold cuts, cheeses, olives, pickles, sliced tomatoes, lettuce and red onion. Some of Carrie’s small sandwich loaves and condiments were placed on the table. There were seven covered dishes that could be frozen—each one bearing the name of the contributor so the dishes could be returned. “If you just bring them by the diner whenever it’s convenient, Gina will see they get back where they belong,” Carrie suggested.
Rawley showed up at the beach bar first thing the next morning and his whole face looked different. He had not expected this kind of outpouring from folks he felt he knew only in passing. “Ain’t this place something?” he asked Cooper.
Cooper shook his head in wonder. “It really is something,” he agreed. “You okay on your own for a while? Like a few hours?”
“Take a day off if you want,” Rawley said. “I got things covered.”
Five
Another April day had dawned bright and clear. Four days after the funeral, Sarah finally had a day off. Leaving Rawley in charge, Cooper got out the Harley and took it to Highway 101 and drove the five miles to the exit to Thunder Point and to Sarah’s house. When she opened the door, she was just drying her hair, fresh out of the shower. She wore jeans and a T-shirt and her feet were bare—she was barely dressed and that made him smile.
“Well, Mr. Cooper, this is a surprise,” she said. “I don’t usually see you this early unless I walk across the beach with Hamlet.”
“I thought I’d take you into the hills to see the wildflowers—all that rain was good for something. I thought we’d just get out of town. But, seeing you, I’m having some second thoughts….”
“Are you now?” she asked with a laugh.
Cooper stepped inside, slipped his hand around to the back of her neck and pulled her lips onto his. She parted her lips for him, embraced him and he gave the inside of her mouth a healthy taste. “We haven’t made love in a while,” he pointed out to her.
“It’s been a few days,” she admitted. “But I want to see the flowers.”
“You will. You will. But first I want to strip you naked, kiss every inch of your body, turn you on, stir you up, make you scream my name…at least twice.”
“Only twice?” she whispered, breathless already.
“Then I’m going to put you on the back of that Harley and take you to see the flowers on the hillsides. And vibrate all your tender lady parts so you’ll want me again.”
She laughed at him. “Cooper, you are such a sweet talker.”
“Let’s not talk right now,” he said. “Let’s talk after.”
She took his hand to lead him to her bedroom. The bed hadn’t even been made yet. She stood beside the bed and said, “If you’re going to seduce me, you have to undress me.” Then she slid a hand over the crotch of his jeans and said, “Quickly.”
“Maybe we don’t have to be quick today,” he said. “Maybe we can be slow and easy and—”
And she laughed. He loved the sound of her laughter and hadn’t heard enough of it lately. “We’ve tried that,” she said. He lifted the T-shirt over her head and her hands went to the snap on his jeans. “It takes about three minutes for me to start begging and you to start delivering.”
“I have to admit, I do like that part.”
Lately he’d been concerned; Sarah had been quiet. Too many times he’d looked at her and found her staring off at nothing, distracted by some deep thought. Or he might say something and she’d miss it, her mind wandering. He knew something had been bothering her and now he knew it was not the inspection at the Coast Guard station.
And yet, when they were like this, falling into each other, she was entirely his, there was no question about it. You don’t fake this. Her body responded and her thoughts only wandered to him.
She shoved down her jeans, kicked them off, flopped back on the bed and waited for him to dispense with boots, socks, jeans, shirt. And then he just looked at her because, God, she was so beautiful to him. “You’re staring, Cooper,” she said.
He knelt gently beside her, laid down next to her, pulled her into his arms and while one hand cradled her jaw for a deep kiss, the other went roaming, immediately sliding into her most erogenous parts. She moaned and he smiled against her lips. He had been with too many women and yet, had never had a woman like this, a woman who wanted him as much as he wanted her. She wanted him as quickly, as powerfully, as completely as he wanted her.
He spent a few minutes kissing her neck, ear lobes, breasts, nipples, and then he was sliding into her. “Have I thanked you for coming into my life?”
“Over and over,” she said a bit breathlessly. Then she moved his fingers back to that special place, the place that brought it all together.
“I love it like this—skin on skin. When you come…”
“You do,” she finished for him.
“I do,” he said. But he didn’t move. He held her still, savoring the connection. “When I’m in this place, Sarah, I feel like I’m completely yours and you’re completely mine. I love you, Sarah.”
“Cooper, let’s say we love each other after…”
“You in a hurry, sweetheart?”
“I didn’t think I was, but I guess—yes. Do what you do so well.” She opened her legs wider, grabbed him with her legs to pull him deeper. “Ohhh, Cooper….” And he could feel her building to it. He took turns on her mouth, her nipple, moving in and out of her, massaging her, listening to the tempo of her sounds rising, increasing, and these were the sounds he loved. And when that great sound came…Cooper! He held her still and deep, his hands on her head holding her for his kiss. He felt her close around him, pulsing, and he really had no choice. He let it go with a loud hum, a long and low groan, a few moments later followed by many small, loving kisses and murmurs about how amazing she was, how beautiful, how erotic.
“Sarah, what you do to me…” he said. And then slowly, without letting go of her, he rolled onto his side, pulling her near, and just held her.
“So much for slow….” she whispered.
He chuckled and squeezed her. “We
get the job done.”
“Yes, we do,” she replied, curling up next to him. “Am I going to see the flowers today?”
“Uh-huh. When I can let go of you. I can’t yet,” he said. “God, what you do to me…”
“You said that already.”
He ran a hand down her body, over a plump breast and down to the apex of her thighs. “I told my parents and sisters I was dating a helicopter pilot and my youngest sister asked me if I was gay.”
“Do you need a letter of affirmation for the family? Because that’s one thing you are not.”
He chuckled. “I just need you to be my girl, that’s all.”
“Does it make you nervous to love a commitment-phobe?”
Was that what was bothering her? Her avowed fear of commitment after a disastrous, brief marriage? “Nope,” he said. “I’m patient. And as long as you love me, I’m happy.”
“You’re not afraid I’m going to get scared any second and run?”
“Nope.”
She propped up on one elbow so she could look into his eyes. “I hope I don’t disappoint you, Cooper.”
“You haven’t yet,” he said. Then he grabbed her, rolled with her and looked down into her eyes. “You’re everything I want, Sarah. When I said I loved you, it wasn’t conditional. And it wasn’t temporary. And it’s not something you have to live up to or down to—it just is. If you think I’m going to quit early, you’re crazy. See, the truth is, I could disappoint you. I might not be enough for you to stick it out. But I’m going to die trying. Now do you want to see those flowers?”
“I thought you wanted me to scream your name at least twice….”
“The day’s not over yet, Sarah.” And then he kissed her as convincingly as he could.
While she showered a second time, Cooper let out the dog and refilled his water bowl.
Women, he thought. They always had some mysterious list of requirements. They were famous for accusing men of not being committed enough or intimate enough but the evidence was in, sometimes there was no such thing as enough. And Cooper had been around the block—he was only capable of feeling his feelings. He wasn’t the best at expressing them, but he had gotten damn good at feeling them since he found Sarah. He felt them down to his toes. He wanted her forever. He’d love it if she wanted him right back, also forever, but the ball was in her court now. She had issues and he had plenty of time. He would concentrate on making her happy. For as long as it took. He was confident he could outlast her.
*
The flowers were just getting started in the foothills, but the ride was still fantastic for Sarah. Cooper took her into the foothills south of Thunder Point, getting off Highway 101 at Port Orford and traveling east into the Pacific Coast Ranges. They traveled down a couple of unmarked roads back into the wilderness and it seemed as though every ten minutes they were crossing a river. He drove them up mountain roads, then down again. It was fairly deserted out there, just the occasional house or vehicle, and the air was cool. They passed a sign for Wild Rogue Wilderness and Sarah thought that name suited Cooper perfectly. Along the side of the road the new spring growth bloomed in orange, white, purple and yellow. There were big orange flowers that looked like small sunflowers or large daisies, some that looked like pansies in pastels, little purple puffs and large white blossoms mixed with the green. Spattered among the pine were trees laden with new buds. They drove through a myrtle grove and up along a ridge where they could stop and look down a couple thousand feet to a rushing river that had a few fishermen along the banks.
They found a good spot to stop and Cooper helped her off the Harley. He found a big rock that overlooked the river and sat on it and she came to him, ruffling her hair to get rid of the helmet head. She pushed his knees apart and sat between them and his arms went around her, holding her.
“Lot’s more than just flowers out here,” she said. “This is beautiful.”
“I’ve never been here. It just looked like an interesting road.”
She sighed deeply. “I stay too busy with work, chores and Landon. I haven’t been exploring enough around here. I’m glad we did this today.”
“Well, there was that divorce last year,” he reminded her. “That probably took up some free time.”
“Tell me about it,” she said with a rueful laugh. “The lawyers were very efficient. Most of my time was spent licking my wounds, then looking for a place to settle with Landon. I couldn’t stay in that house and I couldn’t afford it, either.”
“No support?” he asked.
“Are you kidding? I make a little more than Derek, my ex. I have more time in the Coast Guard. And Landon was my responsibility, not his and mine. I never would have accepted support payments, but I would have liked it if Derek had called Landon, acted like there was some loss there, even if it was only a phone call.”
“I want to ask you something about that,” Cooper said. “You know, the divorce and stuff?”
“What stuff?” she said, caressing the arms around her waist.
“That’s over, right? Not just on paper, but in your head?”
She turned slightly to look at him over her shoulder. “Of course it’s over. What are you asking?”
“You’ve been in a real mood lately,” he said, and she turned back, looking down at the river. “Don’t bother denying it, we both know you’re not that great at hiding it. You’re in a real mood, running hot and cold, real distracted. And—”
“Cooper, I’m sorry about that. Just give me a little time, okay?”
“But that’s it—time for what? Is your ex giving you trouble? Pressuring you? Telling you he has regrets? Making you have second thoughts about the divorce? About us?”
“What?” she asked with a laugh, turning again. “Really? Oh, Cooper, I am so over Derek. I thank you for that, by the way. I was not interested in getting involved with a man, but you’re relentless. If there was anything left for Derek, it’s been long gone since the day you first kissed me.”
“Then what is it, Sarah? Is it just me? Do the other pilots and crews notice? You’re not acting like yourself.”
“No one has noticed anything because they’re almost all men and they think women have two behaviors—having a period or not having one.” She smiled at him. “Cooper, it’s a work-related issue that I have to handle on my own. Not only is it confidential, you can’t help with this. I need a few more weeks to figure it out. It’s got to do with my Coast Guard career path. I’ve been lucky, I’ve been on the fast track.”
He tightened his arms around her. “I doubt luck had much to do with it.”
“Gender might have played a role. I don’t mean that they’d throw me promotions for being female, but the boys upstairs might get a little excited to come across a woman who can pull her weight since there aren’t enough of us—know what I’m saying?”
“You’re saying you’ve been offered something….”
“No, Cooper. I’m saying I’ll be at a crossroad soon and I’ll have to be ready to decide if I want to make a change in direction.”
“And you don’t think it would help to talk it out?” he asked.
And how would that sound? she asked herself. She was a woman with no good options—getting out without means of support or staying in and going to the other coast. Leaving her brother behind or wrenching him out of an ideal situation in Oregon. Would opening up to Cooper sound like, “Please offer to marry me and support me?” Would it sound like, “Help me say goodbye, help me to give you up?”
“There will be time for talking it out,” she said. “Right now I have to try to think about the situation without any influence from any quarter. And that’s hard. But it’s what I should do, for now.”
He rubbed a knuckle along her cheek. “No tempting ex, huh?”
She gave a little laugh. “He’s long gone. Rumor has it he’s already found someone to date and cheat on in Alaska.”
*
A week later Gina was wiping down counters aft
er the morning rush at the diner, feeling a little better about things. Ashley wasn’t exactly markedly improved after one individual counseling session and one group session, but she seemed slightly better. She loved Simone Ross and said of the group, “It’s nice to know they’re way more screwed up and miserable than I am, and I can’t tell you a single other thing about them. I swore.” And Gina didn’t hear her crying at night as often or for as long.
Ashley’s thinness wore on Gina. Ashley didn’t look starved, but her weight loss was so obvious. She normally had such lovely, delicious curves and over the past few weeks she’d probably lost a good ten pounds. Young girls seemed to relish that pencil-thin figure, but a mother looking at her daughter wasn’t thrilled by it. Ashley had never wanted to be supermodel thin, but her clothes were hanging on her.
“Eve said she’s thinking of breaking up with Landon just long enough to lose five pounds,” Ashley said.
But all Gina wanted was for her little girl to get her appetite back. And Carrie was working just as hard to help achieve that, preparing all of Ashley’s favorite and most desired meals every evening. Ashley was still slim as a straw, but Gina and Carrie had each put on a few pounds on her behalf.
Gina filled the scrub bucket and pulled on her rubber gloves. It was her curse that when she had a lot on her mind, she cleaned. She was just about to get on her hands and knees behind the counter to give the floor a good scouring when the door to the diner opened. She looked up to see a woman come in. In fact, the woman nearly took her breath away, she was so stunning. She had thick raven hair that fell to her shoulders in those soft Hollywood curls, shining blue eyes, ivory skin, pink cheeks and luscious lips. She looked familiar and Gina wondered if she’d seen her in a movie. She wore very expensive clothes as only a woman like herself, who bought discount whenever possible, would know. Designer slacks, shiny pumps with very high heels, a leather blazer with a designer logo on the breast pocket. And her purse was worth at least a week of Gina’s tips—a Dooney & Bourke.
Gina pulled off her gloves and smiled. “Hi,” she said.
“Hi,” the woman said, smiling with straight, white teeth. “I wonder if you know—will the Sheriff’s office across the street be closed all day, since it’s Saturday?”