by JJ Dorn
“I know you would have.”
“No, I don’t think you get it. I would have wanted that baby not just because it would be part of me. I would have wanted that baby because it was part of you. I love you Paige.” He tells me and laces his fingers with mine.
I don’t look at him I stare down at our hands on The Biz’s neck. “I wanted that baby too.”
“I’m so sorry Laney pushed you. She did that because of me. It was my fault. I should have been clear with her from the beginning. I lead her on and she took her anger out on you.”
“It’s wasn’t all your fault, I’m pretty sure she is bat shit crazy.” I tell him simply.
“That may be, but I should have sat her down a long time ago and explained I didn’t have feelings for her.”
“I think Laney is the type of person that it wouldn’t matter. She wants what she wants and she doesn’t care what it takes to get it. She just saw me as competition.”
“Well there was never a competition. I only ever wanted you. I love you Paige.”
“Cutter…”
“I love you Paige. I will always love you.” He says and leans over capturing my mouth. There is something so comforting in his kiss. I know I shouldn’t but I can’t resist. I need that comfort right now. “I can’t be without you baby.”
“What if we aren’t meant to be together? What if the universe is trying to tell us something?”
“I have given this a lot of thought these past few days. I found myself wishing now more than ever I had my Dad to talk to…”
I cut him off midsentence. “See that’s exactly what I’m talking about. I’m the reason your Dad died. Every time you look at me that has to cross your mind.”
“No Paige it doesn’t. The way I see it, my Dad gave me the biggest gift of my life.”
“What are you talking about?”
“He gave me you darling. My Dad saved you for me. That is how I chose to see things. And I refuse to let his sacrifice be in vain.”
I don’t know how to respond to him. It truly amazes me the love this man has for me. I know I love him back. I know I have just been too stubborn to admit it to him.
“I love you.” I blurt out.
“I know darling, I love you too.” He says kissing me.
We must have fallen asleep talking in The Biz’s stall because we are startled awake when Alejandro comes into the barn in the early morning.
“He’s up!” Alejandro exclaims.
I snap open my eyes and look up to see The Biz standing in the corner of his stall looking at Cutter and I huddled together. I jump up and walk over to him worried his IV is tangled. I check him out and he seems to be in good shape.
“Hey buddy. You gave us a scare.” I say to him patting his neck.
Once I realize he is alright I feel the awkwardness in the air. I look behind me to see Cutter standing behind me staring at Alejandro. I know there is some unspoken man chat happening next to me.
“Treat her right.” Alejandro says and walks away.
“What the heck was all that about?” I turn and ask Cutter.
“Just checking each other’s motives out.” he tells me nonchalantly.
“Men are so strange.” I shake my head.
“He’s up?” Lacey asks hurrying her way down the barn aisle with Tess close on her heels.
“Yup he is up.” Both girls come into the stall with us and pat Biz.
I know it’s a miracle that The Biz survived this. I didn’t need Dr. Collins to tell me that. I knew just by looking at him. It will be a long road back to health for my best friend but the worst is hopefully behind us. Dr. Collins assured me I saved The Biz’s life. I corrected her and told her he in fact saved mine, because it is true. That horse has been my one constant in world of turmoil. He has been my constant companion through it all and I love him for that. When Dr. Collins told us he would make a full recovery, I felt such relief. His temperature had gone back to normal and he also started eating again. Finally, we had gotten the news we had all been praying for and it felt great.
My parents had arrived home shortly after Dr. Collins left. They were both very relieved to know The Biz was out of the woods. He is much more than just a horse to us, he is a family member. We all love him so much. His loss would have been truly devastating for all of us at the farm.
Cutter stayed with me the entire time. He even endured the litany of questions my Mother levied at him. He also didn’t even squirm when my Father repeatedly gave him a cold stare. Cutter took it all in stride. I encouraged him to leave, but he refused. He just looked at me and said “I’m not leaving Paige, no matter what happens.”
He was true to his word and he stayed the entire day. He finally left after he had dinner with me and my parents. I walked him out to his truck and I told him I would call him tomorrow. He simply looked at me and said “Paige, no more running” and climbed up in his truck and left.
He came back first thing the next morning and we went for a long walk around the farm. During our walk we talked about the things that had happened. I opted to not tell my parents about the pregnancy as it won’t matter now. Cutter encouraged me to tell them so they could help support me but I told him I have scared them enough over these last two years. I told him that I feared bad thing would happen. He reassured me that no matter what happened we would fight through it together. He asked me to trust him. He said if I just trust him then everything will work out. I told him I would try.
Cutter and I spent the rest of our winter break together putting the pieces that was us back together. We slowly but surely began feeling more like ourselves each day. I know we will never truly be the same. We have endured too much, but I have hope that the new version of us will be stronger.
Now that we are back at school, things seem better. It could be because Cutter and I can have unlimited time with each other. We spend every day together and most nights too. It helps to have Cutter by my side at night. Sometimes I have trouble shutting my brain down at night. I rerun the things that have happened in my mind. Cutter helps pull me out of that and remind me that we can’t change what has happened. I am thankful for his understanding. He has been extremely patient with me through everything. If I have a rough day he never seems to get frustrated with me, he instead makes sure I feel extra loved. He is truly an incredible man and I’m so lucky to have him. I’m so glad he didn’t listen to me and kept fighting for us. He has shown me that love is not easy it is tough, but if you can fight through the pain, there is something truly magnificent on the other side of it.
CHAPTER 25
Cutter
One Year later….
I watch Paige perched in the spring grass in her favorite spot amongst the trees across the street from the campus bookstore. Seeing her takes my breath away, it always has, even when we were just kids and I thought I hated her. I was too ignorant then to know she was my world, my everything. I had let my brother and mother poison me with their hatred. Thankfully though I discovered the truth about Paige Vandenberg, and it was truly amazing. This woman stole my heart in ways I never thought possible. It hasn’t always been easy; in fact it has been the biggest struggle of my life, but one I would gladly do again. She has forgiven me when I had no right to be forgiven and today I hope to show her just how much she means to me.
I fiddle with the square turquoise box inside in my jeans pocket. I’m nervous she will think it is too soon, but I can’t wait any longer. I need her to be mine forever. I continue to watch her reading a book in the shade of the large trees. She is so beautiful. Her short blonde hair has grown out some now and it gently dances across her shoulders. I could watch her all day, it gives me such peace to see her and know she is alright. She doesn’t know it but watching her is what pulled me through some of my darkest days.
When Paige returned to school almost two years after her accident I was desperate to be near her but scared of hurting her. Like I had done before I tried to convince myself that we shouldn’t be t
ogether so I tried to keep my distance and let her move on. Clearly I was unsuccessful in that endeavor but nevertheless I tried. It was horrible seeing her and knowing I was causing her pain. I kept telling myself I would be okay if I just knew she was alright and was happy.
My sweet addiction started the night of the cruise. I had been an ass and punched Holden for kissing her. I couldn’t help it though, I saw red the instant I saw him touching her. She was mine, even if we weren’t together. Then I went and made the whole situation worse when Paige got in between us and I knocked her backwards. I knew I fucked up when I turned around and saw her lying there on her back, wincing in pain. I tried to go to her and help her but it was evident that I was public enemy number one at that point. I went downstairs and proceeded to get wasted but Tanner and Laney stopped me. Looking back they were right, but at the time it just pissed me off more. The entire boat ride to shore I told myself I would just give it a few minutes and talk to her when she was leaving, but of course that didn’t go as planned either. She wanted nothing to do with me and I couldn’t blame her for that.
The ride home to Pullman was absolute hell. About half way through the drive home I convinced myself the best thing to do was to go check on her when I got home. I don’t know if I was thinking Millie would just invite me in or what, but man did I severely underestimate that girl. She may appear to be laid back but I can assure you that redhead has a bite like a pit bull. When I knocked on their front door late that night Mille came rushing out the door pushing me backwards like she was going to take a swing at me. She in no uncertain terms told me to get my piece of shit ass off their porch and she reassured me Paige wanted nothing to do with me. I was about to resign myself to that exact fact when for whatever reason I chose to confide in Millie. I ended up telling her everything about the night of the accident and the days right after. I told her I was in love with Paige and I had never stopped loving her. As I spilled my guts out to Millie something in her face changed and I could see her softening towards me. I told her I knew I had no right to ask to see Paige because I had hurt her so much, but that it was the only way I will be able to let her move on, I had to see that she was okay.
So for whatever reason Millie allowed me to go to her. Millie told me Paige had taken her pills for her back and would be asleep and not to disturbed her. I assured Millie I would not disturb her that I just needed to see her with my own eyes. Millie agreed but before she let me inside the house she looked at me and said “Make sure you lock the back door when you leave. It has a habit of being left unlocked sometimes.”
I understood what she was allowing me to do. And I took full advantage of it. That first night I sat in that horribly uncomfortable chair the entire night. As I watched her sleep the words just came to me. I began confessing and apologizing to her in a way that I couldn’t do yet. That first night began a steady addiction for me. It wasn’t every night that I would come to her and watch her sleep but it was close. Millie knew I was there, most nights she would poke her head in to check to see if I was there.
To this day I couldn’t be more grateful to Millie. She allowed me to have that time with Paige to say those things that were too hard for me to say in the light of day. Millie has kept my secret all this time and I’m not sure why, but I will be eternally grateful to her. I owe her my sanity.
A year ago things seemed pretty hopeless, all I had to hang onto were those nights that I watched her sleep. It is hard to believe things are where they are now. Paige and I are together and stronger than ever. Even though I graduated last May I made the decision to stay in Pullman with her. After everything that has happened I couldn’t be separated from her. I got a job at a local farm so I could help pay rent, even though Paige refuses to take the money. I still put it in an envelope on the counter every month. There are stacks of them now. If the house ever gets broken into it is going to be the best day ever for that thief.
“Hey there beautiful” I say as I approach her trying to choke back my nerves.
“Well hello there.” She beams up at me.
I bend down and kiss her gently. “Enjoying your favorite spot?”
“Yup.” She smiles.
“Good. We need to talk.” I feel a pang of nervousness shoot through me but I push it down, thinking how beautiful she will look with my ring on her finger.
“Okay…” I can tell she is on edge now.
“I need to ask you something.” I tell her in a serious tone. I know I’m being kind of jerk pretending to be upset but hopefully she will forgive me when she finds out what my real motives are.
“Alright.”
I kneel down on one knee in front of her. “Paige Vandenberg will you marry me?” I blurt out and present the turquoise box from my pocket.
“YES!” She screams so loud I’m sure half the campus heard and hugs my neck pulling me down on top of her.
I laugh. “You haven’t even looked at the ring darling.”
“Oh.” She says and snatches the ring box from my hand. She opens it and I can see she loves it. I chose the most beautiful ring that reminded me of her, it was delicate yet powerful. It is a cluster of round diamonds that are perfectly placed to look like a flower on a simple platinum band. It is elegant and sophisticated all things that are Paige.
“I love it! Oh Cutter, it is perfect.” She says and I place it on her finger.
“It reminded me of you.” I say giving her a huge smile. Dang a guy could get used to this.
“I love you.” She says and kisses me again.
“So have you thought of the wedding at all?” I ask her half teasing her.
“Have I thought about the wedding? Of course I have. Every girl dreams of their wedding.” Oh shit here we go.
“Alright, lay it on me. What do you picture?”
“I think it would be beautiful to do it at my parent’s farm under white tents in late summer. I think early evening with lots of white lights would be stunning.”
“Sounds perfect to me.” I tell her. The truth is I could care less about the wedding. If I could convince her to go to the courthouse this instant I would do it, but I know a wedding will make her happy, and I will do anything to make her happy.
“What do you picture?” She asks bright eyed. Oh no, guys have no clue about this stuff. All we picture is the wedding night.
“I picture you in a white bustier and a matching garter.” I say giving her my signature wicked grin.
“Oh really?” She giggles and blushes at my request.
“Yup. That is all I require.” I confess.
“Done.” She says simply.
“I love you Paige Vandenberg.”
“I love you more Cutter Daniels.”
I bend over her and cradle her face with my hands kissing her deeply. I know she can feel meaning behind the kiss. She knows now that I have marked her as mine forever and always, mine.
THE END
EPILOGUE
“And your world champion is… Paige Vandenberg Daniels aboard JD Hate to Love You.” The announcer exclaims.
I’m stunned. I know Dex and I had a pretty good go but not world champion good. I kiss at Dexter and he lopes out of the lineup of horses toward a tall Texas man in a cowboy hat. He is holding a huge neck ribbon of flowers and a shiny belt buckle. The guy shakes my hand and tells me congratulations in his deep southern drawl. A photographer snaps a picture of Dexter and me accepting our awards.
“Alright Mam, make your victory lap.” The Texan drawls again at me.
I cue Dex forward into the lope. I take the outer edge of the arena. As I pass the spot where my friends and family are standing I wave to them. Lacey is there practically hanging over the arena wall. I owe a huge portion of this win to her. She believed in me when many others didn’t, including her Father. Titus Cunningham didn’t believe I would ever show again and he certainly didn’t believe I could ride Dexter. He had made it clear that he thought Dex was too much horse for me and would end up hurting me. I in turn relieved h
im of his obligations as my trainer and promptly hired Lacey. I needed someone who believed in me and if Titus didn’t then there was no room for him on the team. My Father also made the same decision for the rest of the show team and replaced him with Lacey. That didn’t sit well with Titus and he assured his daughter she wouldn’t make it in this sport being a woman trainer. I think she has sufficiently proved him wrong today.
My Mom and Dad are here too. Mom is of course crying and madly snapping pictures with her phone. My Dad is whooping and hollering so much I can hear him from the other side of the pen. I owe a lot of this win to my parents as well. They have stayed by my side through everything, encouraging me the entire time. When I had told them I was going to show again they backed me one hundred percent. I’m sure it was scary to see me ride again but they never let me see it. Rather, they helped me convince my surgeon to try a round of therapy injections into my back to help get some feeling back in my left leg. It helped and now every so many months I get injections to help with my numbness.
Tess is also here. She flew in last night just to see me make the finals. She has been on the road recently. She accepted a personal assistant job for her super star rocker ex-boyfriend. I tried to convince her not to do it but she did it anyways. I know she has tons to fill me in on. I can see it through her smile, there is pain there and I’m worried about her. I have no idea what horrible things her ex has done now but I’m sure it will shock me, it always does. I will have to get to the bottom of that situation as soon as I get Dex put away. She and I are way overdue for a bestie chat.
Cutter is here of course beaming and hollering as I ride by. I swear that man gets better looking with age. He is holding our three year-old daughter Cadence Emerson. She looks so much like her Daddy with her blonde hair and tan skin. She is a pistol too. Her Father insists she gets that from me. Seeing him holding our daughter makes my heart swell. I know I couldn’t possibly love anyone more than I love my daughter and her Father. Even though her Father and I started out hating each other it turned into the most beautiful love. I can’t imagine my life any differently now. The day Cutter asked me to marry him; I knew everything was meant to be.