by Diana Palmer
“But?” he prodded when she was silent.
“Do you ever wish we could start over?” She bit down on her lip, but the words were out.
He met her gaze. “Yeah. But I know better. I’m not going to get mixed up with you again.” He shifted about until he found a more comfortable position. “What would be the use? You’ll be leaving in a few days.”
She had nothing to say to that.
The next morning Tracy was awake shortly after dawn. She leapt up, washed and dressed, then went to check on her patient.
Judd was asleep. Normally, he was the one up at the first light of day. She noticed he’d put a pillow under the cast. That should help keep the swelling down and relieve the throbbing.
She went to the kitchen and put on a pot of coffee, then decided on pancakes and sausage for breakfast. It was one of Judd’s favorite meals.
A frown replaced the smile she’d been wearing. It was no good falling back into old routines. Judd had made his feelings plain last night. But he still wanted her.
Putting off useless brooding, she prepared the food, then left the plates in the warmed oven. When she peeked in his room, he was getting out of bed. She dashed across the room.
“Let me help.” She looped his arm over her shoulders.
He sighed audibly and held on as he awkwardly walked on the thick cast. She saw him grimace, but he didn’t complain.
When he was finished in the bathroom, she helped him back to bed and propped his foot on the pillow again. “I have breakfast ready. Would you like to eat now?”
When he said yes, she prepared a tray and brought it to him in bed. She found a TV tray in the family room and used it for herself. They ate in companionable silence.
At nine the calls started—local people checking on their sheriff. She screened them for him, feeling slightly jealous when he spoke to Maris—who was safely married, Tracy reminded herself.
He chatted with the rancher for several minutes before hanging up. It was obvious they were good friends and at ease with each other. He laughed more than once during the conversation.
Tracy went to the kitchen and poured them each another cup of coffee, then washed the pot. For a long time she gazed out the window at the woods. Next door, she saw the little boy—Jimmy?—and a friend playing near the trees.
She didn’t look around when Judd thumped into the room.
He got his cup and stood beside her, drinking the coffee, which she’d made strong, the way he liked it. Gourmet coffee had been one of the small luxuries they’d indulged in as a newly married and very broke young couple.
“How old is your neighbor?” she asked.
“Jimmy is nine. That’s his best buddy, Mark, who lives one block west of us. They’ll be in fourth grade when school starts.”
“You seem to know them well.”
“Jimmy and I are pals. His parents are divorced. I’m sort of the regular male in his life. He helps me mow the yard and cut wood for winter.”
“I see.” Her voice quivered. She felt as if her heart were being torn out by the roots.
“Life does go on,” Judd said harshly. He took his cup and went back to the bedroom.
“I know,” she said to the empty kitchen, feeling alone and uncertain, and sure she was headed for heartbreak all over again.
Luckily, Kane Hunter showed up before she got into a serious case of self-pity. She welcomed him with a bright smile.
“Good morning, Dr. Hunter,” she said in greeting.
“What’s with the doctor business?” he demanded. He set a pair of crutches in the corner next to the pantry. “You and Jackson used to call me a little devil when I barged in on your games back at the res twenty or so years ago.”
“All is forgiven,” she assured him. “Coffee? I was just about to put on a fresh pot.”
“Thanks, that would be nice. How’s the patient?”
“Grouchy, but up and about. Go see for yourself.”
Kane laughed and headed for the master bedroom with the crutches. She heard the men talking amiably while she waited for the coffee to finish. Judd’s deeper voice ran over her ragged nerves like honey over a hot, buttered biscuit.
She suddenly remembered lazy mornings in bed, Thadd tucked between them while Judd read the funnies. She shook her head hopelessly. Remembering was not getting on with life.
After pouring the coffee, she took a cup to Kane and stayed while they concluded their conversation. When the doctor left, she asked Judd if she could do anything for him. “Run errands or something?” she suggested.
“Eager to be off?” he questioned, his dark gaze opaque as he studied her.
She realized she was nervously pleating and smoothing her slacks across her thigh. She forced her hands to be still. “Not particularly. If you don’t need anything, I thought I would do some work.”
“You should wind up the case soon, then you can leave.”
“Yes.”
They looked at each other. She felt herself being drawn into the dark vortex of desire he usually kept concealed. His gaze roamed over her hungrily. Her heart leapt as heat rioted through her entire body. She knew she would go to him if he but beckoned.
Before she gave in to that tempestuous yearning, she wanted one thing clarified between them. She hesitated, then gathered her courage. “Judd, when we married…”
His face took on a hard edge.
She doggedly persevered. “Was it…did you marry me because I was pregnant?”
He muttered an imprecation that shocked her.
“You never said…” She gestured helplessly. “It’s something I’ve wondered about for a long time.”
“Is that what you think?” he demanded harshly.
“I don’t know.” She faced him. “I don’t know what I think, not anymore. You were always a quiet person. I assumed you felt the same as I did, but later, I decided I was wrong….”
He grabbed the crutches and got out of bed. He hobbled to the door, then stopped and gestured to indicate the house around them. “I built this house for you. Maybe you ought to think about why a man would do that for a woman.” He stomped out, his step-thump mode of walking filled with anger.
Tracy let out a shaky breath. Maybe he had loved her as she’d loved him, but he didn’t now. He wanted her, yes…and was furious with both of them for it.
Judd walked out on the front porch. He cursed fate for bringing Tracy back to Whitehorn. He cursed her for doubting his motives and himself for caring what she thought.
What the hell did it matter now?
He sighed as the anger cooled. What did anything matter anymore? Nothing had for a long time…at least, it hadn’t until Tracy had returned, stirring up old memories he’d thought were dead, making him ache for her again.
All last night he’d thought of her in the house, sleeping only a few feet away in the chair or in the guest room. He’d awakened often and knew he’d been dreaming of her and him. Together. Making love.
A groan pushed its way out of his throat. He wanted her right now with a harsh need that drove all common sense from his mind.
And she wanted him.
He’d seen it in her eyes, the need…and the fear. She was afraid to come to him. Once she’d given herself to him with no doubts, no questions at all. She’d poured her pure, sweet love over him with no holding back.
He would have hung the moon for her if she’d asked. But she hadn’t asked that. She’d asked him how to stop hurting. He’d had no answer to that question.
Moisture stung his eyes. He brushed it away impatiently. It was crazy to get involved. He wouldn’t go through the pain again when she left.
Going inside, he called Sterling. “You’re in charge. Contact the tribal police and go over the site with a fine-tooth comb. Tracy found some hairs. Sift through the dirt under the ledge and see if you can find some more. Bring in her pack and check it.”
“Everything’s under control. Jackson and I have men out there now,” Sterling to
ld him. “When will you be on your feet?”
“Kane brought me some crutches, so I’m mobile. I’ll be at the office Monday. Try not to mess up in the meantime.”
“I’ll do my best,” the detective promised. “Well, gotta go. There’s trouble between the Kincaid ranch and the res. Jackson says they found Kincaid cattle in the pasture the ranch used to lease from the tribe. I’m going out to talk to Dugin now.”
“Good. Then what?”
“After that we’re planning a raid on the mayor’s house. Someone phoned in a hot tip that he was running a bawdy house on the third floor.” With that, Sterling hung up.
Judd gave a snort of laughter. Sterling could be counted on to keep a level head—although there had been moments when Judd had questioned his wisdom in getting involved with Jessica and her do-gooder deeds.
It had worked out for them. They were happy.
He swallowed against the knot that formed in his throat. No use pining for what used to be. He would ignore the clamoring in his blood. Soon Tracy would be gone, and his life would return to normal. It couldn’t come too soon for him.
Tracy swept off the deck and dusted the patio furniture. She jumped and turned around when a young voice piped up from behind her.
“Hi.” The neighbor boy bounced up the steps onto the deck.
“Hello,” she said. “You must be Jimmy.”
“Yeah. How did you know?”
“Judd said you were a friend.”
Jimmy peered around her. “I came over to see his leg. Is it in a cast?”
“Yes. Come on. He’s watching a ball game.” She led the way into the family room where Judd sat with the TV on. She saw he’d changed from pajamas to a sport shirt and a pair of cutoffs.
“Hi, Sheriff.” Jimmy went over to admire the injured leg, which was propped on a pillow on the coffee table. “Wow, did it hurt when you broke it? How did they get the cast on?”
Tracy smiled as she went to the kitchen. Maybe Judd’s young friend would bring him out of his moody introspection. She’d certainly had no luck in cheering him up.
She poured two glasses of nonfat milk and arranged a variety of cookies on a plate. These she took to the family room and left for the patient and his guest to enjoy.
Grocery list in hand, she headed out, pausing to ask Jimmy to keep an eye on the sheriff.
“Sure,” he said. “I can stay all afternoon. Mark has gone to visit his grandmother.”
“Nice to know where I stand,” Judd remarked.
Tracy laughed at his wry tone. “Number-two friend is pretty high on the totem pole, if you ask me.”
His dark eyes roamed over her yellow slacks and bright-colored blouse. He opened his mouth, then closed it.
She was disappointed when he didn’t speak. Scolding herself for wanting more than life offered, she hurried to the grocery store, then the bakery, then back to the house.
Jimmy was still there. He rose when she came into the house. “My mom called and said I had to come home when you got back. I’ll come over tomorrow, if you like. I can bring a game to play. The sheriff likes checkers.”
“That would be fine. Here, I bought too many of these apple turnovers. Maybe you and your mom would like some for dessert.” She gave him a white bag.
“Thanks.” He yelled a farewell to Judd, then bounded out of the house and across the yard. She saw him climb the rail fence.
She put the groceries away and straightened up the kitchen, then went into the family room. Judd was reading. The TV was on. The game was football instead of baseball. She smiled and settled in a chair with a magazine.
When she grew sleepy, she rested her head on the chair back and gazed at Judd. He’d gone to sleep.
His hair was thick, of a rich brown-black color. It waved smoothly back from his face. There was a suggestion of a widow’s peak on his forehead.
She saw him draw a deep breath and exhale with a sighing sound. A storm grew in her, turbulent and demanding, until her body felt too small to hold it.
I love him, she thought, and knew the love had never gone away. It had lain dormant, like a seed in winter, waiting for the warmth of the sun to stir it to life. For her, Judd was that sun. She’d been back with him just a few days and her love had bloomed anew.
But what was she going to do with this love? It had no place in her future that she could see. Unless she could make Judd want her again…enough to ask her to stay.
She sniffed as tears pressed close to the surface. Judd opened his eyes and stared into hers. She knew the longing was there for him to see, and the love, if he cared to look.
The tears insisted on forming. She blinked them away as rapidly as she could.
“Don’t,” he said hoarsely.
“I’m all right. It’s just…”
It was the hopelessness of the situation, of loving and not being able to do anything about it, but she couldn’t say that. Her throat closed. She got to her feet, wanting to flee before she made a total fool of herself.
Judd stood, too. He took the three steps needed to bring him face-to-face with her. “Trace,” he said and shook his head as if he, too, were in the grip of emotions too powerful to deny.
“I feel so lonely,” she whispered.
He frowned as if in pain, then nodded slowly. “I know. God, I know.” He reached out and touched her shoulder, then grasped her with both his hands. He drew her close.
She put her face into the groove of his neck and clasped her hands around his waist. For a while she was content to share the warmth of their embrace, then it wasn’t enough.
Slowly, carefully, as if coaxing a wild creature, she ran her hands along his sides. Turning her head ever so little, she pressed her lips to the strong column of his neck.
She felt his breath catch. His hands tightened, then released her shoulders and slipped around her, pulling her against him.
“Trace,” he said, a note of desperation in his voice.
“Hold me,” she pleaded. “It’s been so long.”
He moved then, taking a seat on the sofa and pulling her across his lap. Her sandals hit the floor. His head bent, then his lips touched hers.
The kiss was so sweet it hurt.
She whimpered as the pent-up love crashed against the barrier of restraint she’d built inside. It had held too many years for her surrender to be an easy one. The ready tears burned her eyes as she fought for control.
“Oh, love, love,” she murmured. She hadn’t wanted to need to him like this, hadn’t meant to let herself love him again.
The futility of fighting it swept over her. She couldn’t give up the moment, no matter what tomorrow might bring.
“Make love to me.” She remembered his leg. “Can we? Your leg…does it hurt?”
“Shh, no, it doesn’t hurt,” he soothed, his lips busy at her eyes, her temples, her ears while his hands strayed all over her.
It felt so good to be touched and caressed. She loved the feel of him against her—big and strong and warm. With trembling hands, she unfastened his shirt.
“Take your blouse off,” he requested in a low, husky tone that thrilled her with its urgency.
She stripped out of the bright silk print. Judd reached behind her and unfastened her bra with one hand. He hooked a finger at the front and pulled it from her. It whispered over her arms and disappeared behind her as he tossed it on the floor.
He brought her close, moving her from side to side so that her nipples brushed back and forth against the curly hairs on his chest. They beaded into hard, plump peaks at once.
Moving her so that she reclined against the arm of the sofa, he bent his head until he could reach one breast. He took the taut nipple into his mouth and ran his tongue around it, again and again. He remembered all the ways to drive her wild.
The sensuality that had always existed between them blossomed out of control. His hands touched her everywhere. When he unzipped her slacks, she twisted from side to side until he had them and the lacy un
derpants down her hips. They followed the rest of her clothing to the floor.
Against her hip, she felt the hard length of his phallus pulse against the denim of his cutoffs.
“The bedroom,” he murmured. “I want to enjoy all of you without falling off the sofa.”
When she opened her eyes, he smiled…so beautifully, it broke her heart. “I’ve missed that.” She touched the corner of his mouth. “That slow, sexy smile…the way you look at a woman, as if she’s the only one in your world….”
“You were. You were the only one,” he avowed.
“But not anymore—”
He cut her off with his lips. When the kiss ended, he lifted her to her feet and pushed himself up from the sofa. He grabbed his crutches, hobbled a few steps, then paused and waited for her.
She stood there, rooted to the spot as love and fear collided inside her. She had no right to ask for anything from him—not his body, not his fidelity, not his love. But she wanted all of them.
“Are you coming?” he asked, a wariness in his manner.
He expected her to refuse, she realized. He thought she would turn from him as she’d done so long ago. He’d waited for her once, and she’d turned from him, lost in her own misery.
She took a step forward…then another. She felt she was on an ice bridge that might collapse beneath her at any moment.
When she came abreast of Judd, she walked past him and went to the master bedroom, feeling terribly exposed and vulnerable without her clothing. He fell into step behind her.
In the bedroom, she stopped beside the bed. She cast Judd an uncertain glance.
He bent and held the covers up with one hand, an invitation. She quickly climbed in. He propped the crutches against the wall.
Tracy watched as his hands went to the fastening of his cutoffs. He glanced at her, then turned his attention back to the task. His fingers trembled slightly as he worked the zipper.
Realizing he was as unsure of this moment as she was, she felt her own doubts ease up. They’d work it out, she decided. It would all work out.