by JL Paul
Bailey had delivered my note the previous weekend – she mentioned it to me in passing like we were discussing sports scores- and I’d just nodded. I hadn’t asked anything about it and she hadn’t offered any information. I knew I was pushing her and Morgan away but I couldn’t help it. I dived headfirst into despair and I didn’t even reach for a life preserver.
I still avoided the country club and Dustin. It was wrong to not talk to him but I didn’t have the strength. I couldn’t look in his eyes without thinking about Lucas. And it made me feel even worse.
My grandfather called me Friday night after Bailey and Morgan left for Rusty’s. I reluctantly took his call. It had been nearly three weeks since our talk and I figured he wanted to gloat.
“Irelyn, I am disappointed that you haven’t come to see me,” he said. I didn’t utter a word. “But I am very proud that you have managed to stay away from that other boy. I take it you’ve made your decision?”
“Yes,” I said in a strangled voice. “I wrote him a letter and told him that I couldn’t see him anymore.”
“Good,” he said sounding smug. “And Dustin?”
“I, um, ended things with him, too.”
“He seems to think that you two are only taking a little time away from each other and that you may reconcile soon,” he said, a hopeful note in his voice.
I cringed, knowing that I didn’t want to see Dustin – or anyone else for that matter. But I wasn’t ready to tell my grandfather that. “I don’t know.”
“Well, give yourself a little more time then maybe you and Dustin can make amends.” He cleared his throat – a sign that he was uncomfortable. “I’m, um, willing to, um, pay for a vacation for you two for spring break. I may be old but I know what you have been up to with him.”
My jaw fell in shock – and horror. I shouldn’t have been astonished – he already knew about me and Lucas. But for him to pay to send me and Dustin on some sort of romantic getaway – ew.
“Thank you but I don’t know if that will be necessary. I just need a little time to figure out where Dustin fits in my life.”
“Spoken like a mature young lady,” he gloated. My stomach turned.
“Thank you,” I muttered.
“Well, just let me know. We don’t have to tell your mother about the trip – I’ll come up with something.”
“Sure,” I said, all of a sudden feeling dirty. So, it was okay for me to go have sex with Dustin somewhere but not okay for me to have sex with Lucas? I wanted to get a hold of Grandfather’s morals book.
“Will you be at the club Saturday?” he asked.
“I don’t know,” I said. I still wasn’t ready. “Maybe.”
“Fine. Take care, Irelyn and relax – you’ve made the right decision.”
I hung up on him, not caring if he considered it rude. I threw my phone across the room, smiling when it bounced off the wall. I hoped it broke.
***
I didn’t go to the club Saturday night. I didn’t even go home. I told my mother I needed to work on some assignments and I was staying on campus. It was just an effort to further alienate myself from those that I loved but why not? My life was hell anyway.
I couldn’t stop thinking about Lucas. I wondered what he was doing and if he’d decided to see anyone else. Had he found a replacement for me? Oh, I prayed it wasn’t Amber.
Bailey and Morgan, who’d pretty much left me to my own devices lately, cornered me Saturday night. I was not expecting it so I was not prepared for their attack.
“Here,” Bailey said, shoving a blue dress at me. “Go get dressed.”
“For what?” I said as I fingered the thin material. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“Yes you are,” Morgan said, her soft voice unwavering. “You’re going with us tonight so no arguments.”
“Where am I going?” I asked, perplexed. A little excitement stirred inside my dead heart. It had been awhile since I’d done anything.
“We’re going to a birthday party,” Bailey said, a shine in her eyes. “I promise, no marriage proposals.”
Her words stabbed my heart but I ignored it. She was only trying to rile me up so I would go with her. “Yeah, fine. Who’s party?”
“Spencer’s,” Bailey grinned. “It’s his birthday.”
My head began shaking back and forth. “No. Oh, no.”
“Come on, Irelyn,” Morgan pleaded. “He wants you there.”
“Will Lucas be there?” I asked.
“Of course,” Bailey said. “And he told us that he wouldn’t even talk to you if it made you uncomfortable.”
A tremor began at my toes and shimmied its way up my body. “I’ll be uncomfortable in the same room with him.”
“You can’t sit in this room forever,” Bailey said. “You need to start living again.”
I wanted to tell her that I preferred to sit there, wallowing in self-pity and pain. I wanted to remind her that I was a habitual procrastinator and that was why I still hadn’t talked to Dustin and why I hadn’t even attempted to deal with the pain of losing Lucas.
But I was weak, too. And I wanted to look at Lucas again. I longed to see his crinkly-eyed smile. I ached to touch him – even if it was just brushing against his arm.
And I wanted to see how he was doing.
Sighing heavily, I held up the dress. “Maybe I’ll go,” I relented. Morgan squealed as she tugged me off the bed. “But just for a little while,” I told her sternly.
“Perfect,” Bailey smirked. “Go get dressed and we’ll fix your hair.”
I rolled my eyes but as I walked to the bathroom, my heart felt a little lighter. I pulled the dress over my head and admired my reflection. The dress was snug and perhaps a little lower cut than I preferred. But the color played up my eyes and the skirt tangled around my legs. I smiled a little.
“Hey,” Bailey yelled. “Can we come in?”
“Yeah,” I said, still admiring the dress.
When Bailey pushed through the door, she let out a low whistle. “You look beautiful, Irelyn.”
I blushed. “Thanks.”
Morgan pushed me down on the toilet and began combing my hair. Bailey attacked my face and by the time they finished, I barely recognized myself.
“You two are going through an awful lot of trouble for a birthday party,” I said suspiciously. “You’re not trying to get me and Lucas back together, are you?”
“Nope,” Bailey said as she blotted my lips. “Just want you to feel better about yourself.”
I rolled my eyes but didn’t argue.
Morgan dropped a pair of heels at my feet. They matched the dress perfectly. I slipped my feet in them before grabbing my coat. “Let’s get this over with.”
***
I followed the girls up the metal steps to Spencer’s apartment – trying desperately to remember the last time I’d traveled up them, wrapped in Lucas’s arms. The heel of my shoe stuck in a hole in the grate, stopping my progress, forcing me to yank it loose. I sighed. That probably wasn’t a good sign.
Spencer greeted us, mild surprise in his eyes when he spotted me, and took all our coats. He deposited them in the guest room I had no desire whatsoever to go in. I averted my eyes, trailing behind my friends, not eager to look at anyone, either.
Spencer’s apartment was bigger than I thought. I’d never really had a chance to look around since the only time I’d been there was the first time with Lucas. And I’d been far too occupied to admire the décor.
The place sprawled across the top of Rusty’s. The living room was huge and had a large, plasma TV resting on an entertainment center against the wall. The furniture was like the Newton brothers’ furniture – mismatched but comfortable. And the kitchen, where the girls had taken me, was even larger.
Spencer had placed several tubs filled with ice and various beverages on the floor. Bending, I dug through the frigid water for a soda.
My hands trembled as I leaned against the counter, watching as Bailey and Morga
n chatted lightly with Spencer. Bailey handed him a gift and whispered something in his ear that made his cheeks turn red. Taking the gift, he disappeared behind a door.
“What did you get him?” I asked. She grinned. “Never mind. I don’t want to know.”
“He’s just putting it in his bedroom for later,” she said with a wink. She glanced around the empty kitchen as if waiting for something – or someone – to pop out at us. “Lucas isn’t here yet.”
My heart stilled aw I nodded, sipping my soda. My nervousness abated for the moment, allowing my lungs the chance to fill and empty at a normal pace.
When Spencer returned, he hugged me again before pecking my cheek. “You look beautiful, dear. But you don’t look like you’ve slept in a month.”
Shrugging off his concerns, I tried to smile. “I’m fine, Spencer.”
“They did tell you that Lucas is coming, right?” he frowned as he pointed at Bailey and Morgan. “Because I’ll not have you here under false pretenses.”
I patted his stomach before standing on my toes to press a kiss to his cheek. “They told me. It’s all right. I can’t avoid him forever.”
Spencer cupped my chin as he stared into my eyes. “Irelyn, he loves you – whether he ever tells you or not. He misses you. Oh, he goes to work and to the gigs and he hangs out – but he’s just not totally there anymore. Maybe you two fooled yourselves into thinking that what you had was just a fling – but it wasn’t. Not for either of you. I saw that, Collin saw that, the girls saw that.”
“I don’t want to talk about this now, Spencer,” I said as I jerked my chin out of his grasp. “I’m sorry.”
He expelled a long breath. “Okay, darling. No problem.”
I smiled at him as we all turned our head toward the doorway. It sounded as though a large group of people had arrived and Spencer dashed off to greet them. My body trembled as I wondered if Lucas was in that group and if he would speak to me. I wondered if I should speak to him. I wondered what I should say. I wondered if I would slip up and tell him I love him.
“There’s my girl!” Collin announced as he bounded into the room and swept me off my feet, twirling me around. He kissed my cheek as he carefully set me down. “You look ravishing, darling.”
“Thanks,” I laughed. I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed Collin until he was right in front of me. “You look good, too.”
He kissed my cheek again and let his lips linger near my ear. “My brother is in the other room if you’d like to talk to him. He knows you’re in here – Spencer told him. But he won’t come in here because he doesn’t want to make you uncomfortable.”
I sighed heavily and really loud. “He doesn’t have to do that, Collin,” I said as I pulled away. “I don’t want him to walk on eggshells around me. He should be able to have a good time.”
“Tell him that,” he grinned. He dug three beers out of the cooler before heading toward the living room. “Oh, and you don’t need to walk on eggshells around him, either.”
When he left, I glanced at my friends. I took a deep breath and held it, hoping it would summon some courage. My entire body shook as I released the breath. I wanted to see him terribly but I didn’t want to see him, either.
“Just go say hi,” Bailey urged. “It won’t hurt.”
“I will,” I said. I set my soda can on the counter. “Come with me,” I asked as if I were at an elementary school dance and was about to tell my crush I thought he was cute.
“Let’s go,” Morgan said, taking my arm.
When we entered the living room, my eyes eagerly scanned every face looking for his. When I found it, I nearly collapsed. He was still so beautiful but he was talking to a girl I didn’t recognize. And when he smiled at something she said, my heart cracked right down the middle.
“I can’t do this,” I whispered. As I struggled to free my arm from Morgan, he finally noticed me. The smile slipped off his face as his eyes met mine. I froze while my blood boiled. I still wanted him and the time apart had only increased my need.
The girl touched his arm and he dropped his eyes, giving her his attention again but his body had tensed as his lips formed a straight line.
“Just stay here,” Bailey ordered. “You can talk to him in a second. And no,” she said when I opened my mouth, “he is not dating that girl.”
I relaxed a fraction of an inch, smiling warmly when Tori approached me. She wrapped me in her arms. “I’ve missed you, Irelyn,” she whispered in my ear. “And I’m sorry you and Lucas are having troubles.” She stepped back to appraise me. “You look beautiful but it’s just a façade, I can tell.”
Bailey squeezed my arm and dashed off to meet Spencer’s friends. I watched her go as I pondered Tori’s words. I lifted a shoulder, fighting the tears that just loved to bug me at the worst times. “I’m fine.”
“No, not really,” she said. “But you and Lucas will make up soon and then you’ll be fine.”
I longed for her confidence. I longed for her to be right. But I knew better. “Thanks, Tori.”
“Irelyn,” a voice purred from behind, making my heart fell to the floor. “How are you?”
I turned to face Owen’s leering smirk. “Fine, thanks.”
“You are a vision,” he said as his eyes traveled slowly up and down my body. “What an exquisite woman you are.”
“Please,” I said, in a weak voice. “Don’t start with me.”
“What?” he laughed, hand over his heart. “I’m not allowed to compliment you?”
“I’d rather you didn’t.” I glanced at Lucas again, wishing he’d come rescue me. “In fact, I’m not really in the mood to talk.” I swirled on my heels, stumbled, and escaped to the kitchen.
Morgan followed. “Are you all right?”
“Fine,” I said.
“Why are you running from me?” Owen asked.
“I’m not,” I said through clenched teeth. “Now go away.”
He shrugged, grabbed a beer, and left. Morgan questioned me with her eyes so I explained about the New Year’s party and how obnoxious and rude Owen had been. My heart twinged when I remembered Lucas keeping a possessive hand on me and calling me his. I sucked in gobs of oxygen to fight the tears that I knew were planning an attack on my eyes and managed to keep them at bay.
Once I banished my encounter with Owen, I settled in a little, beginning to enjoy being out of my dorm as I chatted with Morgan and Tori most of the night. I didn’t speak to Lucas but I was constantly aware of his whereabouts – and the girl that kept engaging him in conversation. Everyone kept telling me that he wasn’t dating her and he wasn’t interested in her – and I believed them – but it was obvious she was interested in him. She shadowed him everywhere he went and always managed to touch his arm or his hand. I seethed as jealousy burned a hole in my stomach.
As the night wore on, my soul could take no more. I wanted to get out of there and get home. I couldn’t stand being in the same room with Lucas any longer without being able to touch him. I’d lost track of Morgan and Bailey so I wandered into the kitchen to see if I could locate either one.
Owen was bent over the beer tub but he straightened when I walked into the room. “Well, hello again,” he said with an ugly smile. “Are you lonely, little one?”
I snorted. “No and even if I was I wouldn’t be that desperate.”
He laughed loudly, his eyes shining. “Oh, Lucas was a fool to let you go.”
Stiffening, I narrowed my eyes. “It wasn’t his fault.”
“Really, now?” he said as he took a step toward me. “So you’re the one who let him go? Why, looking for a real man?”
I backed up - right into a hard body. I knew who’s it was instantly. “Leave her alone, Owen. She’s not interested.”
He chuckled. “Maybe she is, Luke. I mean, didn’t she dump you?”
“I did not dump him,” I fumed. “Stay out of it!”
Lucas wrapped his hand around mine, tugging gently on my arm. “Will you come
with me, love?” he whispered, his lips close to my ear. “Just to talk. If you don’t want to, I understand.”
When I turned to face him, my heart leapt up to my throat. I nodded as I stared, mesmerized by his eyes.
He smiled but it never crinkled his eyes. He led me through the living room and into the spare bedroom. My heart flipped wildly, remembering the last time we’d been in there.
“Sorry,” he said as his eyes grew. “Maybe we should talk somewhere else.”
I shook my head. “No, Luke. This is okay.”
He cupped my cheek. “I miss you.”
I swallowed, nearly choking on the size of the lump in my throat. “I miss you, too.”
Licking his lips, he dropped his eyes to the floor. “Irelyn, I’ve had to fight myself to not call you or come see you. I could tell the night of the party that you had something major to deal with and you needed space to do that.” He raised his face to mine. “But it’s killing me. And when I got your letter – that killed me more. What’s going on – can you tell me?”
I took a deep breath. “It’s so complicated. It’s…a mess.”
“I know it is,” he said. “But maybe it will help if you tell someone. Bailey and Morgan told me that you haven’t been yourself and that you’re not sleeping well and that you won’t confide in them.” He squeezed my hand. “Let someone help you, love. Please.”
Tears clotted my throat and made speech impossible. I blinked rapidly, trying to clear my eyes.
When I didn’t speak, Lucas lifted my left hand to kiss it. “Well, I noticed right away that you weren’t wearing Dustin’s ring. I’m glad to see you didn’t sell yourself out.”
“Maybe. Maybe not.”
Worry lined his forehead and concern shimmered in his eyes. “What did your grandfather make you do, Irelyn? What did he make you promise? I know he’s behind all this. Does he know about us?”
I nodded, still biting my lip.
Lucas cursed colorfully as he ran his hands through his hair. “Who told him?”
“I don’t know,” I whispered. Lucas turned away from me, his hands still frantic in his hair. His shoulders slumped and I ached to wrap my arms around him. I was just afraid if I did, I wouldn’t let go.