by M. A. Lee
Tatum: Wow, you are a great actress. I thought I saw actual sparks fly between you two.
Me: He is nice.
Tatum: Yep, and hot. This should be easy!
Me: I guess. It would make Joel insane to see me with a guy that looks like Jagger. Those tattoo’s are insane.
Tatum: Insanely hot.
Me: Agreed. But, I don’t know if I could use him.
Tatum: It’s not technically using him if you have fun too...
Me: You are terrible!
I leaned closer to him, something was different about Jagger and I couldn’t figure it out. I put my phone down and shook my head.
“Let’s order,” Jagger announced as he motioned for the waitress. She wobbled over and stood, impatiently waiting for our orders. She was in her late twenties and had obviously lived a wildlife because her face appeared much older than what she probably was. Her blonde hair was showing dark brown roots on the top and her thick, powdery, foundation couldn’t cover up the obvious lines from smoking.
Voices filled my mind from every direction and as I sat back and tried to center my thoughts in on just the people at the table, it finally struck me what was odd about Jagger. I couldn’t hear his thoughts.
As my revelation struck, the waitress cleared her throat as she approached. These guys are fine. I wonder if they are single or just friends. Her thoughts hit me hard as I realized I could hear what everyone else around me was thinking except for Jagger.
“What can I get y’all?” she asked, trying to sound pleasant through her scratchy voice.
“Just a Coke for me,” Jagger said with a smile. “Maybe add a little Bourbon too,” he smirked.
I scooted closer to him, trying to get a read, but it was no use.
“I’ll take a beer,” Freddy said as he looked at Tatum and me for our orders. “Girls, order whatever you want, drinks are on me.”
“I want a Margarita,” Tatum announced loudly.
“Tequila Sunrise,” I stated when it was my turn.
After she took our orders, the waitress left and quickly came back with the drinks.
“So, what are you all majoring in?” Freddy asked, but obviously was only interested in Tatum’s response because he turned to look at her only.
As Tatum began to respond, I turned my attention to Jagger.
“Looks like we are on our own here,” I noted as I pointed to Freddy and Tatum who no longer knew we were even there.
“Looks like you are right. Look, I think we all got off on the wrong start the other night. Freddy didn’t mean to knock you down. We are close- almost family- and when I called him to take me to the hospital, he freaked. It was my fault he was rushing in there,” he said.
“No problem,”I shrugged. “I survived.”
We sat there for a few more minutes, allowing the music and voices ringing through the crowds to keep us occupied. Finally, Jagger broke through the silence.
“What is up with all the black? Are you some sort of gothic chick or something?” I could tell he was just trying to joke around, but still, I couldn’t let him make fun of me.
“Not gothic, just like black. It’s like my soul, you know?” I said through a straight-face. I was trying hard not to smile.
Jagger’s eyes rose and he looked at me in surprise. From the shock on his face, I couldn’t tell if he was truly surprised by what I had said or humored.
“I am kidding,” I said, only I was half-kidding. “I just like to wear black. It suits me.”
“Fair enough,” Jagger said.
“What about you?” I asked turning the attention to him. “Tattoos. Motorcycle. Pretty cliché huh?”
Jagger’s lips curled into a smile and he watched me carefully like I was some intricate object he was trying to figure out.
“I like you,” he stated firmly.
“Really? Well, then if you like me, I need to know who you are. Tell me, who is Jagger?” I asked.
Laughing, Jagger smiled and leaned in close to me. I could feel his hot breath against my neck as he began to speak. “I guess you are right, sweetheart, Let me tell you a little bit about myself,” Jagger said as he adorned me with a too cute nickname. “I work at a bike shop. I like to hang out with my buddies Freddy and Isaac. Isaac just opened a tattoo shop so when I need another tattoo or a touch-up, I go to him. I have lived with Freddy since after high school.”
He stopped talking and sat back in his seat.
“What about the motorcycle?” I asked.
Laughing, Jagger leaned forward and didn’t take his eyes off of me. “Damn girl, you are needy aren’t you?” he teased. Part of me wanted to smack him and the other part wanted to kiss those words right off of his mouth.
“Hey, you are the one who wanted to talk,” I reminded him with a straight face.
“Fine, I ride motorcycles. I love them. It’s the only thing I am committed too.”
My heart was racing as I watched him carefully. I focused on his face- the way his dark hair framed his perfectly sculpted face. His voice was deep but soft and rugged. He smelled sweet like soap and cologne. Moving my eyes down to his muscular arms, I could see a shape of a tattoo poking out of his t-shirt.
Noticing my stare, Jagger pulled up his sleeve. “Like tattoos?” he asked.
“Sure, but I don’t have any,” I admitted.
“We can change that,” he smirked.
“I don’t know if I could pull off a tattoo,” I stated.
“Of course you could. You have that perfect good girl, gone bad look to you. I think a little heart or script would look sexy as hell right about here,” Jagger said as he traced an object along my lower back.
My body tensed at his touch and I swear I felt my breath falter.
Finally, the band started to play, and I was thankful for the distraction. Jagger could be just what I needed, or exactly what I should be staying away from.
Freddy stood and offered his hand to Tatum and together they joined a crowd that was growing near the stage. Everyone was dancing and having fun. I sat and watched, smiling and happy for Tatum and how carefree she looked dancing with Freddy.
Jagger and I sat at the table and made small talk.
Throughout the evening, I caught myself fantasizing about Jagger’s lips and what they would feel like gracing my lips. Each time the images floated through my brain, I would try to think of something, anything but Jagger. I thought about my grandmother, work, and planned my next semester's courses as I attempted to keep my mind clean and away from the naughty thoughts that included Jagger and myself. Several times I had to shake the feeling off, fearing I might lunge across the table and act on my insane impulses. His presence was causing an ache deep inside me that made me shiver with excitement. I took another sip of my drink, nervously praying it would cloud my brain and remove the fog of desire that filled the space. Thankfully, Jagger was immersed in a single conversation about himself. I learned a lot of new things about Jagger during our conversation.
“My childhood wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t great either. My parents had me young- they were sixteen. They struggled to pay the rent and fought all of the time. When I was twelve, my dad took off and I haven’t seen him since. My mom worked a lot and drank when she wasn’t working. I spent most of my time alone, or getting myself into trouble.”
He stopped talking and looked at me for a moment. I could see embarrassment swimming through his darkened expression.
“Wow, I’m sorry you had to go through that,” I said, watching him closely. In that moment, I longed to hear his thoughts.
All my life, I had hoped and prayed to have the voices fade. To gain back my own mind and thoughts. But now, as I listened to this sweet and sexy guy tell me his life story, I wanted to know what he was feeling. I wanted to get deep inside his head and know how to make him feel good and happy and satisfied.
“It wasn’t too bad. I appreciate what I have now because I work hard for it. Plus, you really know who cares about you when thi
ngs get hard.” He said flatly.
I knew exactly what he meant. “I know what you mean,” I said, smiling.
“So, tell me about your childhood,” he asked as he nudged my arm.
“Not much to tell,” I began I shifted my weight nervously. I wasn’t about to tell Jagger that the first twelve years of my life was spent in the hospital as my parents had me evaluated from everything from schizophrenia to multiple personality disorder. “I grew up with a good family. My parents love me and have always been there for me, I just have... issues,” I stated. That was an understatement.
I didn’t want to get into my past or the baggage I was still carrying and scare Jagger off either. It truly sucked knowing that the parts of me that made me Lila, were also the parts I had to shield away from the world.
“We all have issues,” Jagger said with a knowing smile.
“Yeah, I guess you are right,” I smiled back.
Somehow, Jagger had made me feel a little less crazy and a little more comfortable just being me.
“So, what do you like to do around here?” he asked, trying to ease the conversation back to a neutral and less touchy subject.
I began to look around as I thought about my answer. Truth was, I didn’t really get out much. Not because I was a loner. I just enjoyed hanging out with Tatum and visiting the occasional party with her.
As I turned my head, I felt my stomach drop and the air rushed out of me. Walking into the bar, Joel was surrounded by a group of people who looked like a new group of friends. My eyes narrowed and I knew I was looking at him with the disdain you would save for a serial killer or venomous snake.
“Are you ok?” he asked, his voice full of concern. He began eyeing me carefully as he watched the total shift in my body.
Shaking my head, no, I watched as Joel, my ex, swept past my table and sat at a table diagonally across from us.
Following my gaze, Jagger looked at Joel who was now watching me with a glare. I guess Tatum was right- Joel did look jealous.
I thought that seeing Joel jealous would make me feel better. That it would bring me a satisfaction I needed, only now, it just made me feel sad. Jagger was a nice guy who didn’t deserve to be used. Besides, Joel didn’t deserve the time and energy I would have to put into using Jagger to make him jealous. Just seeing me out and having a good time seemed to be enough punishment for Joel and somehow, that made me smile.
“Who is that?” Jagger asked as he watched a smile creep over my face.
“That,” I said, “is my ex-boyfriend. Grade A douchebag.”
Almost laughing, Jagger turned and looked at Joel.
“Wow,” Jagger exhaled as he turned his attention back to me. “He looks like a total tool. What did you see in him anyway?” he asked.
“I am not sure,” I said through gritted teeth.
“Hey Lila,” Joel called as he began to walk toward me.
I could see he was nervous, his apprehension staining his tan face.
“Hi, Joel,” I said with my best fake smile I could muster.
“Can we go somewhere and talk for a minute?” he asked as he quickly glanced at Jagger.
“Not right now, I am with someone,” I said motioning to Jagger who now looked incredibly confused.
“Lila, please. I haven’t seen you in forever. I just want to talk,” Joel pleaded.
Jumping to my rescue, Tatum pushed Joel back.
“She doesn’t want to talk to you,” Tatum said.
“Joel, you and I have no reason to talk. Why don’t you just leave me alone now,” I stated as I tried to keep myself from clawing his face.
Joel hated to be told no. If I knew anything at all about him, it was that- and that he hated to look stupid. I could see the anger growing inside of him as he realized he wasn’t about to get is way. His face turned a bright red and his breathed became more rapid.
“Lila, you know we could have worked everything out, if it wasn’t for you being crazy,” he said as he rubbed my arm with his hand.
He was trying to push my buttons. To make me show just how crazy I could be, but I wasn’t going to let him do that to me. He didn’t get to have that control anymore.
As I opened my mouth to speak, Jagger moved first.
Shoving his chair back, Jagger stood, his body blocking mine as he towered over Joel who suddenly cowered underneath him. “I think you need to back off. Lila clearly doesn’t want to talk to you, so just go back to your table.” Jagger kept his eyes focused on Joel’s face, which was still plastered with a smug grin.
“Can’t you just find another girl to destroy?” Tatum cried out, shoving him with her free arm.
Pushing between us, Jagger and Freddy were now yelling at Joel, threatening him and causing a huge scene. I began to sob, slowly at first only a few tears falling, then it was like a damn broke. I was shaking with anger as I felt my fists clench. I wanted to hit Joel, I wanted to ram my fist into his face until he felt the pain I felt inside.
“Joel, just leave,” I said as I looked him in the eye.
Joel began to smirk, but something softened when our eyes met. Maybe there was still a trace of the guy I had fallen in love with years ago locked away in there.
“Lila, I am sorry. I shouldn’t have said those things,” Joel said as he spoke to me.
“You are right, you shouldn’t have. But I appreciate your apology,” I said with a slight smile.
Everyone was watching us carefully like we were two ticking time bombs about to explode.
Joel nodded his head and then turned and left.
“I think I am just tired,” I began as my head began to swim. I came here with the pretense of making Joel jealous and instead I had just pissed him off and he had been nice to me.
“Are you ok?” Tatum whispered into my ear.
“Yes, but I can’t do this,” I said.
Raising her brows, Tatum looked at me like she was confused. I looked from Jagger to Tatum until recognition and understanding took over.
Nodding her head, Tatum understood. “I’m sorry, it was a stupid idea,” she said.
“Yes, it was. Jagger is nice. And Joel was nice. I just need to accept that Joel and I are over. I have nothing to be upset about anymore,” I added.
“How did you get to be so smart?” she kidded.
“I guess when you see as many therapists as I have, you learn a few things,” I teased.
Somehow, I had found a way to turn my own sickness and insecurities into a joke. It didn’t heal me, but it did make me feel better at times.
Still standing with me, Freddy walked closer.
“Are you leaving?” Freddy asked as he stepped forward.
“Well...” Tatum trailed off, clearly feeling torn.
“You guys go ahead,” I said. I knew Tatum really liked him, and they needed time away from us to talk.
“Are you sure?” Tatum asked, almost jumping up-and-down with excitement.
“Yes,” I replied. “I will walk back to the apartment; I could use some fresh air.”
Leaning in and kissing my cheek, Tatum hugged me. “You are the best,” she whispered in my ear as she skipped over to Freddy.
“So, it’s just you and me now,” Jagger said as Freddy and Tatum began to walk back toward the bar.
“Looks like it,” I said.
“Do you want me to walk you back to your apartment or would you want to go for a walk with me?” Jagger asked as he reached out his hand for me to hold.
“A walk? It’s dark outside and late,” I said waving my hand through the black air. “You don’t need to take care of me. I am capable of getting home by myself,” I said with more sass than I had expected.
“So, we have street lights,” he said, ignoring my attitude.
Trying to hold back a smile, I allowed Jagger to take my hand in his. He began to walk us away from the busy bars and toward the restaurants and park area where the atmosphere was calmer. We walked for a few minutes in silence. My hand in Jagger’
s felt right. I couldn’t place why or how, but I just knew.
“Thank you for not running away earlier,” I said, breaking the silence.
“What do you mean?” Jagger asked as we crossed the road and headed toward Triangle Park nestled in the center of downtown Lexington.
Almost laughing, I looked over at him and his dark features. I began to imagine his hands roaming my body and wondering what his tongue would feel like in my mouth or on my neck, or other places...
Shaking my head, I pushed those thoughts out of my head. “I just mean that you were really nice to defend me. Most guys would have thought I was crazy and rushed off to find someone else to hang out with,” I stated. “Especially since I was arguing with my ex-boyfriend.”
“What is up with that guy?” Jagger asked.
“His name is Joel. We dated for years. We met in high school and our families were friends. It only made sense that we dated,” I said.
“Sounds like you all had a good relationship,” Jagger said. His voice had a trace of unease lacing his words.
Nodding my head I agreed. “We did, while it lasted. But, I had some... issues and he just couldn’t deal with them. He dumped me and started hooking up with other girls. I had more...issues and then he felt remorse or pitty or something like that and started calling and texting me. I told him we had no chance of getting back together but Joel doesn’t really understand the word no,” I finished.
“Damn, that sucks,” Jagger offered.
“Yeah, well it’s all over now. Anyway, I really do appreciate you being so understanding. Like I said, most guys would have rushed out of there the moment Joel appeared,” I stated.
“Well, I am not like most guys and I wanted to defend you. I like you,” he said.
“You don’t even know me,” I argued.
“I know enough to realize you are kind,” he said as he kept his head facing forward.
“What does that mean?” I asked, clearly confused.
Sighing, Jagger stopped walking for a moment. I saw your text from Tatum. You were going to use me to make that guy Joel jealous. You said I was nice. You said you couldn’t play a game with someone like that,” he stated.