by M. A. Lee
Pulling me through the front door, Tatum led me into the house.
“Come on, there are a lot of hot guys here,” she said as she scanned the room.
Noticing she was right, I smiled. My heart still begged for Jagger, but I needed something to fill the void he left. I wasn’t looking to hook-up or find a new boyfriend. Jagger was it for me, I just wanted to have a little fun tonight- if only to feel sexy and alive again. Besides, I was sure Jagger was finding some sexy girl to forget about me with.
As the night progressed, I talked with several people, but my heart just wasn’t into flirting like I had thought it would be. While I smiled at the compliments I received, that was where it ended. I was just about to tell Tatum I was going to leave when everything around me changed.
I felt his presence even before I saw him. Slowly turning, I spotted Jagger standing in the doorway. My heart began to speed and my body shook as I took in his perfectly wavy hair and magical eyes. He was dressed in an all-black outfit. Jeans. T-shirt. Boots. Everything was black and it fit him perfectly. I wasn’t sure what to do.
“Hi,” I spoke, as I approached him.
“Hi,” he replied nervously.
We stood looking at each other for what seemed like forever. All sounds from the party were gone, in that moment it was just the two of us. I waited for him to reach out and pull me in close to him, but he never did.
“I tried to call you,” I said, my voice shaking.
Sighing, Jagger ran a hand over his eyes. He looked as nervous as I felt. “This is harder than I thought it would be. I wanted to come here tonight and tell you again how I felt, but seeing you makes it difficult,” he paused and took a deep breath before continuing. “I’ve seen you around town and tonight, you look...happy. I am glad you feel better, but damn, it breaks my heart at the same time.”
Confusion tore through me like waves. What was he talking about? I didn’t understand what he was trying to say. Reaching for his hand, I pulled him toward the front door. “We need to talk. I need you to hear why I left,” I suggested as we walked outside in the cold night air.
“Okay,” he agreed. “Let’s step outside. It is nice out tonight.” I couldn’t help but notice how nervous Jagger looked. This didn’t seem like a good sign. He had been ignoring me, now he was ready to talk?
“Sure,” I agreed as I followed him out the door.
Once we were both outside, I began talking. “Jagger, I have been trying to call you so I could explain everything to you. When I saw you fighting with Joel, it broke my heart. I didn’t want you to hurt or get in trouble because of me. I began to have dark thoughts. I knew that if I ever wanted our relationship to work, I had to fix myself first. I called my parents and took the first flight to a treatment center in Arizona,” I said. I continued telling him why I left.
Sighing, Jagger looked at me. “I wish you would have told me that. When you left, I thought it was because I fought with Joel. I thought you were ashamed of me and my behavior. I was arrested. You don’t deserve to be with someone like that. It broke my heart. It sucks to have someone break your heart than leave.”
He paused and ran a hand through his hair. “Lila, when you left, you fucking destroyed me,” he yelled.
Jagger placed his hands on my shoulders and began shaking. He was upset. He was angry. He was a mixture of emotions and I just stood there and allowed him to unleash them all. He needed this.
“What you did to me, ruined me. I tried to forget about you. I tried to find other girls to fuck and ease the pain I felt. But it didn’t work. I couldn’t look at, yet alone touch another girl. You are all I’ve ever wanted. I’m sorry I didn’t respond to your calls and texts. I realized I had to fix myself too. I had to heal just as much as you did.”
He stopped talk and took a step back and away from me. His chest was rising and falling rapidly.
My stomach had dropped. Imagining Jagger out and trying to forget about me with other women made me feel like I was being stabbed in the chest. I deserved that. I knew that.
I knew he was implying that was what I had done. I didn’t want to argue with him. All I ever wanted was to have a moment to tell him how I felt, but he was not giving me that opportunity. He continued, before I could even open my mouth.
“Look Lila, I understand you needed to get help, I just hope that one day you can let me back in. To trust me to understand what you are going through,” his voice trailed off as he stared off into the black night. “I guess I thought you would still need me.”
That phrase sparked a fire inside me that flared every emotion imaginable.
“I do need you!” I screamed out. “That is why I had to leave. I love you. I have told you more about myself than anything else. Even Tatum. You are the only person who understands me. But, I had to make sure that I was ok. I want to continue this journey with you.”
Reaching out, Jagger pulled me close to him. His eyes met mine and they searched deep inside my soul for the truth. “Do you mean that?” he asked, his voice shaking.
“Yes.” I whispered. “With every ounce of my being.”
Raising his shirt up, Jagger pointed to an area on his chest. He had a new tattoo. Looking closer, I held up my cell phone for light. “What is that? A new tattoo?” I asked nervously.
Jagger took my hand and forced me to trace the lines. It was a heart, broken in two. And, right there in the middle of the two pieces was my name.
Pain shot through me like a bullet. Is that what he thought about me?
I stepped back, horror painting my face. A small gasp escaped my lips as I tried not to scream.
“You don’t get it,” Jagger stated as he reached for my arm and pulled me back to him. “You are my everything. You have the power to break my heart and you have the power to piece it back together. It is you. I love you so fucking much,” Jagger cried.
“Jagger, I am so sorry,” I cried out, too.
“Do you still love me?” he asked. His words were shaking and his face was so pained. I hated myself for causing him to feel this way.
“Yes,” I began. “But, if you don’t feel the same way anymore. I understand.”
Wrapping his hands around my shoulders, Jagger forced me to look at him, to really look at him.
“Can’t you see I am madly and deeply in love with you? I just said I loved you more than anything,” Jagger screamed, his hands clenched on my shoulders.
I rushed him, jumping into his arms and throwing my legs around his waist. My lips found his and I kissed him, passionately at first then with such strong desire I felt like I couldn’t get enough. His arms wrapped around my body, pulling me closer to him as he held me tightly.
When we finally slowed so that we could breathe, I looked deep into his eyes and saw the love that I had missed so many times before. Yes, he loved me and I loved him too. How could I not love Jagger?
Even though we were standing in the middle of Freddy’s yard in the middle of the night, I didn’t care.
We held each other tightly as we climbed back inside Jagger’s car and rushed back to my apartment. Neither one of us wanted to go back to the party.
AS WE STUMBLED INTO my apartment, I kicked the door closed with my shoe as Jagger and I continued kissing. His lips seemed to be molded to mine and I couldn’t force myself to remove them long enough to breathe.
Sparks of electricity shot throughout my body as Jagger lifted me up and began to carry me back toward my bedroom.
“That was amazing,” Jagger smiled as he lay down beside me, turning his head so we were facing. Hours later, we were still wrapped in each other’s arms.
“Yes. It. Was.” I said through jagged breaths.
Turning to face me, Jagger wrapped me in his arms and held me close.
Laying in his arms, my heart and mind began to scream at me. I knew I needed to tell him the truth. I had tried and failed once before, but not everything was different.
“Jagger,” I breathed as I made sure he was still
awake.
His breaths had evened and his heart was calm.
“Yes, sweetheart,” he said as he placed a kiss on my back.
“I want to tell you something, but I need you to promise not to say anything until I am finished,” I began.
Sitting up, Jagger looked down at me. “What is it?” he asked with worry and concern flooding his eyes.
I lay still, not sure how to begin. There wasn’t an easy way to say what I was about to admit. So, I just decided to do what Tatum would do and spill my mind. Closing my eyes, I delved into every ounce of strength I had and began.
“There is something about me you should know. Ever since I was a kid, I have been able to hear people’s thoughts. I hear what they think. What they fear. What they love. What they want. At times, it gets complicated and so overwhelming that I fear I can’t go on. Other times, I get to hear beautiful thoughts and memories that people think about daily. I haven’t told anymore before. Not until you,” I said as I slowly opened my eyes.
I half expected to see him jumping out of bed and racing out the door, but instead, he was looking down at me with a smile that shined with love. “Are you serious?” he asked. There wasn’t any humor or anger in his voice.
“Yes. I understand how this can make me sound crazy, but it is the truth. I hate constantly feeling like I am intruding on everyone’s lives. I feel like I have a dirty secret and everyone else would hate me if they knew,” I said as I shuddered at the thought.
Jagger placed a hand on my shoulder and the touch send electricity through me. He was comforting me and I loved him more than ever for the sentiment.
“Why are you telling me this?” he asked.
“Because...” I had to take in a breath before I could admit the next part to him. “Jagger, I can hear everyone’s thoughts- except for yours. I don’t know why or how, but you are different to me. Maybe it’s because I was meant to love you. Maybe because you were meant to make me feel whole and ok. But, either way, being with you makes me feel like I can get through life.”
I stopped talking and watched his face. Jagger looked at me for a long time without speaking. Then, he leaned in and kissed me. Hard.
I kissed him back with so much passion I felt like I would melt. Our kiss deepened as he moved on top of me. Our hands were exploring each other and I was getting lost in his touch.
“I love you so much,” Jagger breathed. “I know that must have been hard for you to admit,” he said.
“You believe me?” I asked in wonderment.
“Of course I do. I mean it all sounds fucked up, but you wouldn’t lie to me. I know that. Besides, we have a connection that I can’t explain. From the moment I saw you, I knew you were mine. I haven’t thought about or wanted anything else. I may not understand how you can hear others thoughts or why you can’t hear mine, but I know you, Lila. I know your heart and mind and soul.”
He placed his hand on my chest and it was then that I knew what kind of a tattoo I would get. I would get a heart on my back with his initials dripping from the object.
“Jagger, I love you so much, it hurts. I have never wanted to share this with anyone else before. You have given me a reason to live. You have given me a chance to be who I really am without feeling like I am different. We will figure out the rest together. As long as I have you, everything will be perfect,” I finished as I leaned up and took his face in my hands.
I pulled him down to me and we began another hour of mind-blowing sex.
20
Lila
The sun shone brightly into my bedroom and provided a warm beautiful glow to the entire room, as I lay snuggled in my sheets. However, this morning, unlike many other mornings, I was not alone in my bed.
Grumbling, Jagger rolled on his side and faced me. He smiled brightly at me as he pushed a strand of hair away from my face. “I thought I dreamed last night,” he smirked, as he gently touched my face with his palm.
Hugging myself to his side, I inhaled his sweet aroma. Truthfully, I woke up several times throughout the night just to make sure I hadn’t completely lost my mind and dreamed up the entire reunion between Jagger and myself. Every time I opened my eyes and saw him lying next to me, my heart would flutter and I would get the most intense sensation imaginable.
After we left Freddy’s house, we had raced back to my apartment. We couldn’t get close enough or kiss each other hard enough. It was like we were trying to get inside each other’s soul.
Our “make-up” had lasted until way into the morning hours, and I woke happy but exhausted. I hadn’t realized how badly I needed Jagger holding me. Kissing me. Inside of me. I felt alive again with him near me.
After another hour of making sure I understood, very, very clearly that he was here, we finally crawled out of bed. I made us a pot of coffee and scrambled some eggs I found in the fridge. We ate breakfast and spent the rest of the Sunday afternoon watching old nineties movies on television. I couldn’t believe that I was finally doing this- loving Jagger and allowing him to love me back. I would never forget the way he held me and the way my heart danced when he smiled at me. I couldn’t understand how his smile could instantly make my heart flutter and turn my insides to mush. Everything about Jagger proved to me that miracles could happen.
LATER THAT AFTERNOON, Tatum arrived back at the apartment. I was laying in my bed watching Netflix. Jagger had to go to work, but he promised to come back by again tonight.
Walking into my room, Tatum had a weird grin on her face. “I want to know why you disappeared last night,” she began interrogating me, refusing to give up until she had all the answers.
Sighing, I threw myself back against the couch cushions. A large smile appeared on my face as I replayed last night over and over again in my mind. “Jagger showed up at the party. We talked and... he forgave me. We are back together,” I cried out.
“Wow, I am so happy for you,” she yelled. “But, after all this time...” she bit her lip as she contemplated her next words. I watched her face as the agony raced across. In her mind she was recalling the devastation that had caused me to leave. To leave Jagger. The weeks that had gone by without my calling him. Without him calling me back when I arrived back home. So much had happened, I understood her trepidation, but I needed her to understand.
“Thanks, but I know you must be thinking how we could possibly get back together after everything that happened,” I began.
Tatum’s face looked surprised as I repeated the words she had just been thinking to herself. “Well, yes. I guess I was thinking that,” she said slowly.
Nodding my head, I gave her a moment to process everything. “Look, what happened between Jagger and I was screwed up. I did what I had to do, and I was honest with him. Jagger knows me better than anyone else. He didn’t like how I left, or that I left at all. But, he understood it was what I had to go to heal. To make sure I was whole so he and I could grow as a couple. He was pissed, but now he gets it. I understand his hesitation too. I broke his heart. Ripped it into a million pieces. Everything happens for a reason. We both know that and now it is our time to spend the rest of our lives piecing back together the fractured parts of our hearts.”
A single tear rolled down Tatum’s soft cheek. “Wow, Lila. That was... brutally honest and heartwarming. I didn’t realize how close you and Jagger had become. I mean, I knew he was crazy about you and I knew you felt the same about him, but your connection together is insane,” she cried out.
I agreed and allowed my own tears to fall.
Later that evening, Jagger came and picked me up on his motorcycle. As I threw my legs over the seat, I wrapped my arms around his rock-solid chest. I loved the feel of my body pressed up against his with the purr and vibrations of the motorcycle beneath us. I was surrounded by so much power it was exhilarating.
“Where are we going?” I asked as I placed my deep plum colored helmet over my head.
“I have a surprise,” Jagger winked as he kicked the leg stand back and
revved the engine.
I knew not to try to talk. With the roar of the engine and the wind striking my face and ears, there was use trying to hear anything. I just held on and watched the town pass by. A few minutes into the ride, I knew exactly where we were going.
When Jagger pulled the bike into a parking space, I jumped off and removed my helmet. I instantly spotted Isaac through the large glass window of the tattoo parlor. He had a smile on his face as he waved us in.
Cole and his girlfriend Melanie were there too. I had grown to really like them. Cole and Melanie were adorable. Their banter was silly and yet full of love. Cole looked at Melanie like she held his entire world in her hands. I had learned after hanging out with Melanie a few times on shopping trips that she had a torrid past as well. Talking with her, helped sometimes. At least she understood what it felt like to feel different.
Isaac and Lauren were your typical bad-boy-meets-good-girl combination. They had a love that couldn’t be defined, but was evident from the way they looked at one another.
Smalls and Kat were hilarious. They were always arguing and then making up for hours after.
Each couple brought a new happiness to my life that I hadn’t known I was missing until I met them. They had all accepted me and my quirks and differences. They didn’t judge me or look at me like there was something wrong with me. They were a family and they had opened up and their arms and accepted me.
They were the type of couple that were so in love, it sort of made you sick to your stomach, but I liked them anyway.
As we stepped through the doorway, Jagger held my hand.
“So, finally talked your girl into getting some ink,” Smalls said as he rounded the corner. This guy was anything but small, but I loved his personality. He was a great artist and I couldn’t wait to see what he and Jagger had in store for me.