by Kara Hart
Satisfied with pleasing me, he picks me up and holds me in his arms. He sets me against the kitchen wall and slides back into his warm comfort. He grips the bottom of my ass and holds me steady. He bounces me up and down with balance and precision. “I want to fuck you a million times over,” he says.
“Then do it,” I whisper. He smiles. If only. If only life could just be this. No work, just fucking him and falling asleep to each other’s kisses.
But there comes a time when you know a man has to relieve all his tension. When his muscles grow tight and his hands hold you harder than ever before, you know he’s trying his damn hardest not to let go. With a heavy groan, he tilts his head back and I feel his cock grow bigger inside of me. It trembles, until it erupts, like a volcano or seismic explosion. I feel him inside me, losing everything he’s kept in store. He pushes in as deep as he can go, fading fast into me.
He kisses me so passionately, as if I’m the purest thing in the world, as if I was made out of solid gold. He sets me down onto my feet and the world seems to sway beneath me. When I stumble, he holds me steady. When I laugh, he kisses my cheek and smiles.
We slowly make our way upstairs, into his bed, and under the covers. There’s no question of whether or not I’m spending the night tonight. It’s obvious that I need to, that I need to feel close to him. Am I being a sucker for this man? Is he still hung up on the past? I don’t know. Right now, in this heavy moment, I don’t want to answer any questions. I just want to feel his body and know that I’m what he wants.
“Emily Carter,” he whispers.
“Michael Vanderbilt.”
“I’m really glad I met you,” he says.
“I’m glad I met you too.”
In the silence of the world around us, normally buzzing with chaotic entrances and exits, we lay holding one another. The energy we want, we grab in slow kisses and short laughter. We talk around the idea of how good this is making us feel. All in all, I’ve never felt better, but that comes with a deep worry. There’s always the wonder of whether or not this is real, or just something our minds are making us feel. Is it a misunderstanding of emotions? Or will this really last longer than first expected?
We don’t approach the subject. There’s no need to. If we did, we wouldn’t be able to find any answers. No, right now, we close our eyes in silence. We smile. We hold the feeling in like laughing gas. And when our dreams do finally come, we’re always near each other, waiting to wake up in each other’s arms.
Michael
I wake up and she’s fucking gone. Gone, gone, gone. “Emily,” I whisper, rolling over. I expect her to be enclosed within me. I thought I’d wake up smelling her hair, or holding her soft tits, with my morning wood against her ass. None of that this morning. She’s gone away.
“Fuck,” I sigh. I roll out of bed and check my phone. 11 AM. Thank God it’s Saturday. No work. No plans. I just get to relax with Lisa. Then, I realize what today really means. Susan. She’s coming to get her today and then I’ll really be alone.
I walk out into the hallway, open Lisa’s door and find my little princess, lying down and staring at the ceiling. “Morning, my beautiful girl,” I whisper.
“Morney,” she says back, jokingly. It hurts my heart when she says anything to me. I know in a year’s time, my heart will be constantly falling apart.
I sit next to her and kiss the top of her head, just like I used to do. “Ugh, stop,” she mutters.
“You want some breakfast?” I ask her. She doesn’t say a word back. She just gets out of bed and walks right past me. “Yeah, you need some breakfast.”
I walk downstairs and smell delicious bacon, eggs, French toast… “Susan?” I call out, thinking she’s already here to get her daughter. “You said you’d be here around two. It’s a little early, don’t you think?”
“Susan?” Emily is standing, holding a spatula in her hand, with a confused look in her eyes. “Wow.”
“Shit, I didn’t know you stayed. I woke up and you were gone. I thought you left,” I say.
“I thought I’d make you breakfast,” she mutters. Shit. She seems irritated. I shouldn’t have called her Susan. That was a bad mistake. Although, it was an innocent one.
“Um, Susan is going to come get Lisa. That’s why I thought—”
“It’s fine. I understand. Don’t worry,” she says. But after a few seconds of awkward silence, she continues, “So, like… do I have to leave or something?”
Good question. “You don’t have to leave,” I say. “But maybe we can eat breakfast and hang out in bed today.”
That pisses her off. She fires at me, hard. “So she won’t see me when she comes? You’re going to hide me in the closet, just so she doesn’t yell at you?”
“It’s not as black and white as you think. There’s a lot of nuance to the whole thing,” I sigh and move closer to her. “I don’t want her. I want you. Doesn’t that mean anything?”
“It does mean something. I just feel confused, I guess.” She sighs. “Anyway, breakfast is ready.”
“Look, if she sees me fucking around with an employee, she can use it against me. She can take away Lisa anytime she wants,” I say. “Hell, she could ruin the business if she really wanted to.”
“She’s not going to do either of those things. She knows she needs you to help with Lisa, and she needs money. She’s not going to give up your business,” she says.
“You’re right. But she’ll make me go through hell first,” I say. Eventually, I’ll have to face this. I know that. And I’m not about to let my ex-wife boss me around. Right now, however, is not the time to go fucking things up in my life. I have to take a different perspective and go with my gut strategy. I have no idea what Emily is to me in this very moment, and neither does she. Will this last? Can this last? Do we even want it to? Those are questions we haven’t decided to answer, or even broach yet.
“Whatever,” she says. “It’s fine. I guess I just don’t know where I stand in all of this. I feel weird.”
“I like being near you,” I say. “I like holding you. I like touching you. I love fucking you.”
“Well, I’m glad you like being around me.” She moves away from me, feeling stunted. I try and move closer, but she just takes on the task of putting the breakfast on plates.
“I didn’t mean it like that,” I say. “Come on. Emily, let’s just have a nice day, alright?”
“I said, it’s fine,” she says. She sits down at the table, without me, and begins eating her food. I’m left to slowly walk to that same table and sit down, with slight shame.
I take a few bites of food and sigh with pleasure. It’s really fucking good. In fact, it’s the best damn breakfast I’ve had in a long while. “Wow,” I mutter to myself and close my eyes.
“What?” she asks, loosening up a little.
“This food. My God. You’re incredible,” I say.
“Stop.” She blushes. “You’re just trying to make up for everything.”
“No, I’m being serious. I should have just hired you to be my personal chef,” I laugh.
I place my hand on her thigh and squeeze. The room turns silent. I turn back to Emily and everything in my body starts to feel heavy. My head feels weak. “I like it when you touch me,” she whispers.
I nod. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. There’s an undeniable barrier between us. The worst part is that it has nothing to do with our actions. It has everything to do with what surrounds us. Our past. We’ve both suffered too much, both been tainted by expectation and the letdown that people love to dish out.
I stand up and she wipes her eyes a little. I don’t want to make her sad. I don’t want her to have any pain. I know I’m a shitty guy for putting her in this position. I shouldn’t have hired her. I should have let her go. I deserve to be alone. I wasn’t meant for love. I was destined for other things.
“Lisa, want some food?” I ask.
I grab some food from the fridge and prepare everyth
ing. It’s going to be a long fucking day. I already know it. I give Lisa her food and Emily comes and sits next to us. “You look cute today” she smiles. Her eyes are bright, warm, and loving. She’s tender, the way I’ve always pictured the woman next to me to be.
“Thanks,” Lisa mutters, unable to be sure whether or not she should play nice or claw her eyes out. I have to admit that I still don’t have a clue about what makes women tick.
We spend the next hour hanging out with Lisa. I’ve never had a partner like this, or someone who was really available emotionally to connect with my child. Even Susan, her own mother, never had the time to be this way. It was always just another appointment slot to fill. We do this with Lisa at this time. We take her here at this time. And she eats right at this time. But I never thought of having a kid in the way. I always thought it would be organic, like this.
“I should go,” Emily says, taking a deep breath. “Susan could walk in any minute. I don’t want to get you into any trouble.”
“Okay.” My gut wrenches with pain and I know it’s all my fault for being such an asshole about all of this shit. But this is my life, my world. If anything was to happen to Lisa, a part of me would die forever. Susan knows that. She takes advantage of it. I’ll figure out a way. I have to.
“I had fun last night,” she says, at the door.
I lean against the paneling and nod. “Yeah, me too. I always have fun with you,” I say.
“You’re sweet.” She kisses me, but it’s not like last night. The passion has been thwarted by circumstance, once again. “Call me,” she says, before turning around.
“I will,” I mutter. I can’t stop watching her as she walks back to her car. Her ass moving from side to side, while she confidently strides forward. Her beautiful hair reflects off the sunlight, and as she turns her head to look at me one last time, I notice those beautiful, strawberry lips, the ones I dream about now on a daily basis.
Susan comes within the hour and she’s on a roll with things. Apparently, she made a doctor’s appointment, but when she came in, they didn’t have her scheduled. I can’t keep up with the tragedy anymore. I just tune it out.
“Are you even listening to me?” she finally asks, when she notices that I’m looking past her shoulder, out the window where Emily once was.
“Yeah, I’m listening. Sounds like a tough day,” I lie.
“You’ve never cared about my pain,” she groans.
“We’re not married anymore, Susan. It’s not my problem,” I mutter.
“It’s that girl, isn’t it? The one you’re going to hire and fuck to death. You’re changing and it’s all because of her.” She begins to show signs of utter distress. Tears form in her eyes, but it’s not the same kind of tears Emily has when she’s feeling sad. Susan’s come on command. It’s manipulative, but at this point, it’s more pathetic than anything.
“You should probably go,” I tell her.
“You’d like that. You’d love it if Lisa and I were to leave forever,” she says.
“Don’t threaten me,” I tell her.
“I’m not violent. I don’t threaten people. This is classic Michael,” she says.
“She’s my daughter too,” I say. “You know how much I love her.”
“I know how much you used to drink. I know how you used to yell and blame me for all your weaknesses. I remember everything,” she says.
“Yeah and I guess you’ll hold that over my head forever.” I sigh. “Look, I worked on myself. I got straight enough so that I could have a drink every now and then. I’ve conquered my demons. Maybe it’s time for you to conquer yours.”
“You’re twisted,” she says.
“Yeah? Well, you’re leaving.”
I have to hold the door open for her to leave. At first, she protests, but after seeing the anger in my eyes, she walks out. “She’s a good employee,” I tell her.
“I bet she’s a good fuck too,” she says, before I close the door.
“She is,” I mutter to myself. “The best fuck I’ve ever had.”
Emily
I’ve spent all weekend trying not to hurt about things. How I fell so hard, so fast, is beyond me, but I can’t help it. I can’t stop thinking about him. I just wish I had met him before his life really began to take shape in the way that it has.
I’m almost positive that it’s the same for him. When we don’t communicate, our yearning grows stronger. When the walls are built around us, we want to climb over them even more. All it takes is a few pulls to get to the top, but when you’re on the ground, on the other side, your body feels weak. There’s the knowing that you’ll just have to climb back over again.
So I feel empty. I feel numb. I sometimes feel anger, but even that isn’t long-lasting. I remain in my bed for days, drinking diet soda and eating little to no food. I’m a wreck and it’s all because of Michael Vanderbilt, some guy I responded to on Craigslist, for a stupid carpentry job.
I’m a fool to be so head over heels. I know that I am, but my heart works on its own accord. It hits my chest so painfully hard, just because I feel my stupid phone vibrate against my ass. “Hey,” the text reads. It’s from Michael. My body grows warn, and then cold, and back to warm again.
“Hi,” I mildly reply. I want to write, “I miss you. I need you. Come here now,” but I can’t bear to be let down again.
“I wanted you to know that I kind of told Susan off today,” he says.
I smile, real wide. I know it’s kind of fucked up of me to get giddy over such a thing, but I do, regardless. “What exactly did you tell her?” I ask.
“Just slammed the door on her. She knows I’m keeping you on. I told her to get out. She threatened me with the court stuff, just like I thought she would,” he says.
“I never wanted to cause any drama,” I tell him.
“This has been building for a long time. I used to give in because I thought it was my only option. Now, I’m starting not to care,” he types.
“And Lisa? What if she gets full custody? I don’t want that. You should be careful,” I say.
“I guess so. All I know is that I want to see you again. I’m sorry for earlier. Things should never have ended like that today. I had so much fun with you,” he says.
“I held a grudge. I should have known better. A divorce is a complicated thing. I wish it didn’t carry over for so long, but you have to deal with it for life. I’m sorry.” I do feel bad, even if it is a painful situation for me. It’s hard not to.
“Let’s have a day together. No Susan. No Lisa. Just us,” he suggests.
“Stop tempting me,” I reply.
“But I like tempting you,” he says. I can only imagine his smile as he eagerly waits for my response.
“Give me an hour to get ready,” I say.
“Fuck getting ready. You’re beautiful as you are,” he replies, faster than normal.
“Fine.”
“One more thing,” he says. “What’s your shoe size?”
Weird. “Six,” I reply.
“Cool.” Okay…
I’ve always imagined what it would be like to have moments with someone. I mean, real moments. A real day. When I met Dennis, it was intense passion, but there wasn’t an unspoken bond attached to it. With Michael, there is both. There’s the strange obsession, the need that pulls at the edges of my panties, and the heavy hand that presses over my heart.
The day is dark and overcast, once again. The streets are wet with dew. Outside Michael’s garage, he stands, wearing long and worn-out jeans, with a white undershirt, tucked in neatly. He’s just standing there, looking at me. His arms are crossed and he’s got a sly smile on his face.
“Hey, little lady,” he calls out. He steps forward in his work boots, crunching against the soft mud below him. I delicately move myself forward, feeling my heart push past my chest, up to my throat.
“I’m not a little lady,” I reply.
He winks. “You’re little to me,” he says. His touch fa
lls on my arm. His fingers slide smoothly across my wrist. Goose bumps press against my skin. I close my eyes and feel that warm happiness and excitement flood over my body, starting at the back of my arms. He kisses me slowly, and when I least expect it, he pulls away, yet breathes in quickly, yearning for more.
“What did you have in mind?” I ask him. “It’s getting late. Bar?”
“Nah,” he says. “I need to get away from the normal routine. I thought we could do something a little more fun.”
“Like what?” I smile. Fun sounds refreshing.
“Look, we’re grown adults, but tonight, I want to feel young with you,” he says. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a metal flask. He hands it to me.
I laugh and unscrew the top. “So, you want to drink whiskey in a parking lot somewhere?” I take a sip and shrug. “If that’s what gets you off, I’m game.”
“There’s an old roller rink, ten miles south of here,” he explains. “I had a buddy who used to work there. He told me the speakers still work and everything. All we’d need is a small stereo system and some cables.” He turns his head and looks over, near the garage door. There it is, a stereo and a group of folded cables.
“So, that’s why you wanted my shoe size,” I smile. He nods and grins back. “How do we get in?”
“I’ve got the building code. You in?” he asks, biting his lip.
I instantly nod. “This sounds dangerous, but of course I’m in,” I say.
“Well, let’s go then.”
The air is cold, yet mild. The breeze is stagnant, as if it’s hanging in the distance. As the sun sets, the sky looks sepia. The old trees that surround us reflect their earthy colors proudly. As for me, I’m floating. I’m outside myself right now. I’m in Michael’s car and we’re sharing the flask with smiles on our faces. We’re breaking the rules and it feels how it used to feel.