by Kara Hart
“Oh lord, Michael.” She rolls her eyes. “Already sleeping with the interns?”
“Where’s Lisa?” he asks, ignoring her snarky retort.
“She’s playing outside right now. Did I come at a bad time? This is what we agreed upon,” she says.
“You’re fine. We were just going downstairs,” I speak up.
Susan eyes me, but ultimately decides not to respond. In all actuality, she doesn’t seem that angry anymore. She seems… bored.
“Everything is accounted for with the building. I’ve got people coming to fix the garage up. We should be up to code in a few days,” Michael says.
Susan looks surprised. “You got it taken care of?” she simply asks.
“Yeah. It was no biggie. I just made a few calls,” he says.
“And the money?” she asks.
“It’s all taken care of. Don’t stress about it.” All it takes is a solid arm around her shoulder, a slight platonic squeeze, and an awkward smile. She gives in. All the mean comebacks come to a halt. She’s satisfied. Michael turns his head toward me and waves me over. “Let’s go see Lisa!” he exclaims with joy.
We walk downstairs and into the kitchen. From the windows of the rectangular doors, I can see her jumping on the trampoline. She jumps so high, hitting the bouncy tarp, and springing up even higher. All three of us walk out and wave.
“You guys!” Lisa screams. “Jump with me!”
“Mommy can’t, doll!” Susan yells back.
“You always say that!” she says, out of breath. She falls on her butt and breathes heavily. “Dad, if you don’t jump with me, I’ll be sad.”
“Already with the guilt, huh?” Michael laughs. But he’s already on his way over to her. He’s the father of the year, the guy any kid would love to have.
There’s a strange moment where Susan and I are standing next to each other, watching Michael get onto the trampoline. Lisa runs and hugs him and he kisses the top of her head like he always does. Susan is speechless, and there’s an awkward understanding that begins to occur. At one point in her life, she loved this man. She might have given everything to him and it just didn’t work out. Now, I love him. Yet, all four of us out here are connected by the strange emotions of our past, present, and future.
“If you somehow fuck up my child,” Susan says. “I’ll bring you down. You hear me?” She’s staring straight ahead, avoiding all eye contact with me.
“Susan,” I laugh. “Just fuck off.”
I see her body twitch backwards, as if she just suffered a bad blow. When she stabilizes, I get out of there. I run over to the trampoline before she can say a word back to me. There’s just too much bullshit to deal with in the world sometimes, and today, I just want to enjoy the sun and the joy that exudes from Michael’s daughter.
“I’m leaving,” Susan says to us as I start to bounce. “See you when I’m back.”
“Have fun on the trip.” Michael waves. And just like that, Susan leaves. “She seems to be in a better mood than usual.” Michael laughs and shrugs.
“No she isn’t,” Lisa says.
“Don’t talk about your mom like that,” Michael winks.
I smile and try to bounce as high as Lisa, but fail. “Actually,” I begin speaking, “she does seem to be doing better. We even exchanged a few words.”
“Really? What did you talk about?” Michael asks.
“I told her she looked very pretty today.”
Who cares? Today is about living.
Michael
Lots of women can hold their own around kids. As for men, well, it took me a bit to find my ground. Being around two women has been hard enough, but Lisa knows that I’m trying my best. Emily, on the other hand, is a gem. The way Lisa has taken to her is blowing my mind.
When I invite Emily to stay for dinner, there are no objections from her. I used to be afraid of messing her up. I was told so many horror stories about divorce that I thought for sure my kid was going to have some lasting problems from the whole thing. Instead, she took to it like anything else. She was sad at first, of course. Yet over time, she just wanted things to be good for both of us. Susan found her second love. Now, I’m finding mine.
I help out with dinner tonight, marinating the chicken and making sure it cooks slow. Emily maintains the pasta and delicately churns the sauce. Lisa sits patiently in the living room, watching cartoons, but I can feel it every time she looks over.
When I place my hands around Emily’s waist and kiss her cheek, I can hear Lisa making gagging noises from ten feet away. Emily laughs and turns around. “He’s being gross, isn’t he?” she asks her.
“So gross,” Lisa laughs.
“Take it as a life lesson,” I say. “Men are the grossest creatures in the world. Stay very far away from them.”
“Not all of them are,” Lisa says, playfully. “But you are.”
“Your mom has taught you well,” I laugh back, surprised at the gumption coming from her right now.
Lisa smiles, beaming her teeth at me. She presses her tongue against a spot where a tooth is missing. “So, are you guys married or something now?” she asks.
“That’s not exactly how it works, baby,” I tell her. She knows. Now she’s just trying to mess with us.
“Isn’t that what you and mommy did?” she beams.
I turn around and check the chicken. It’s done cooking. Emily turns off the burners and comes to my rescue this time. “Okay, enough marriage talk. I’m not looking to get any more cooties than I’ve already gotten.” She smiles. “Dinner is ready.”
“Can we eat at the TV?” Lisa begs. “Please, Dad?”
“I thought we could eat at the table tonight. You and Emily can watch TV later,” I say.
“Oh, please!” She has positioned her body to be in the prayer position. She quickly raises her hands up into the air, connected together. She lowers her head like a beggar on the side of some foreign city street and says in a British accent. “I’ll do anything, sir!”
That’s my girl. A real swindler. Emily, of course, loves it and gives me a look that says, Come on. Just let her indulge in bad habits. Fine. So be it. Giving in isn’t all that bad. Besides, it’ll give me father of the year points.
“Alright, fine. We’ll all sit and watch cartoons with you,” I say.
Emily and I bring the plates and sit on the couch. Lisa sits on the floor, eyes fixed on the new screen. An iPad sits on the floor next to her, displaying a game filled with bright jewels. I remember back when I was younger, when these things were perceived so differently. TVs were the thing. Color wasn’t new, of course, but it hadn’t been around all that long when you really think about it. Cell phones weren’t a necessity yet. The world was still in lo-fidelity mode.
Now, that has all changed. I never thought I’d think I’d swing away from culture, but my daughter makes me realize just how far away from everything I really am. She’s smarter than me and she’s still a child. That’s the biggest mind-fuck of having children. It’s not having to wipe their butts, or having to pay for extra things, nor is it having to help them through their biggest problems. All of that stuff is the fun part. Where it gets weird is realizing you’re no longer in the center of everything.
All I know is that family and moments like this one right now, are everything. So I plan to hold onto them forever. We all dig into the pasta, staring at the wild cartoon characters, and Lisa eagerly tries to keep us up to speed.
“And that’s the evil witch, only she’s not exactly a witch. She used to be a princess, but was turned into a shadow of herself through her vain narcissism,” she says.
“Vain narcissism?” I ask her.
“Yeah, Dad. Every single day she looked into a mirror and begged to be prettier. The people of her father’s kingdom complimented her every single day, but that only made her want to change more things about her. Eventually, her body turned green with envy. Her skin shriveled and dried. Now, she’s a witch,” she says, confidently.
“Wow,” Emily raises her brows. “That’s an important story.”
“Trust me,” Lisa says. “It gets even crazier.”
“And this is a cartoon?” I remark.
“Yes, Dad,” Lisa says, rolling her eyes.
We sit, eat, and I even enjoy the damn cartoon. Suddenly, in this moment, we feel like a real family. It feels even more real than it did in the beginning with Susan. When we’re finished, we stay in the living room. We play Monopoly and, of course, Emily beats us all.
I hold her. I kiss her cheek lightly every now and then, even though Lisa gets grossed out every time I do it. When all is said and done, and the board game gets put back in its box, Lisa is completely worn out and ready for bed. I pick her up and we all move her into her room. I lay her down into bed. Emily pulls the covers over her.
“She’s wonderful,” she whispers.
“Too perfect,” I agree.
She’s getting older. She’s learning how to use her agency in the world. It’s part heartbreaking, part pride-inducing, as well as mind-blowing. My daughter was never supposed to lose her innocence like I was. She was supposed to stay my daughter, my child, my baby. Of course, I know that’s not the case. Every day is a reminder that she’ll be an adult someday and it’ll come sooner than I expect, I suppose.
We leave the room, like I do every night Lisa gets to stay over. I leave my emotions at the door, when Emily takes my hand and says, “I love your family, Michael. I really do. I want to be there for them. Even Susan.”
“Be careful what you wish for,” I joke. But she isn’t joking. She’s letting the words fall straight from the heart. And in that hallway, I can feel myself falling endlessly for her, as if I hadn’t existed before her. Already now, I’m a different person because of her. I’ve got a new drive. There are new ambitions. There are dreams I’ve never dreamt before, running endlessly in my head.
“I’m here for you,” I tell her. “Always.”
“No matter what?” she asks me, as if she has something huge to say, but can’t say it. “Because… I love you. No matter what.”
“No matter what,” I tell her. “Even if this all goes sour, I’ll be here for you.”
“Me too. I promise,” she says.
We walk slowly into the room, hand in hand. A light, yet heavy energy courses through us as we fall to the bed, exhausted from playing with Lisa, and work. We close our eyes, but I keep my arms around her as she nests her body in the absent curves between mine. Her ass against my cock, her back against my chest… it’s all too much to bear. Will I have this forever? God, I hope so.
At least ten minutes pass. As I drift into sleep, I hear her breathing turn heavy and her head turns toward mine. She kisses my cheek and faces me.
“I have something to tell you,” she says.
“Yeah?” I smile.
She’s not smiling. She’s got a look on her face that doesn’t inspire too many good feelings. “No, like, it’s serious,” she says. “I should have told you days ago, but I’m a coward. I didn’t know how to. I thought you’d be mad at me.”
“Back up a minute here. A coward? You’re not a coward. Whatever it is that you did, I’m not going to blame you. I’ve been with you for a minute now and I know the courage you have inside your heart. Don’t beat yourself up so much. You’re worth more than that,” I say. I remain strong for her. I wait for her to tell me what’s been done.
She licks her bottom lip lightly and her eyes trail the bed sheet. “Dennis called me,” she says.
“And you answered?” I ask her. I can feel my mind start to betray my body. I do get angry. It stings to hear that that son of a bitch still has a way to contact her. Even though I feel these emotions creep inside, I don’t let them get the best of me. I push them away and remain calm, as a man should.
“At first, I didn’t. I swear. I let it go to voicemail so many fucking times,” she says.
“So what happened?” I ask.
“Well, he called me like twenty times. He texted me too. Eventually, I answered simply to tell him that I wasn’t available and that he needed to stop calling me,” she says.
But there’s always more to the story. I push forward. “And then what?” I ask.
“And then he told me that he was in Nashville. He said he’s been getting help and that it’s part of the program to give his apologies in person,” she says.
Adrenaline pumps from my heart, straight into every muscle of my body. Inwardly, I become enraged. I want to smash the walls. No, I want to smash that Dennis guy’s face in. I want to go full territorial mode on his face right now. Even with this knowledge, I take a deep breath in and allow myself to center. I’m a father. I’m not some 23-year-old dude anymore. There’s a certain level of class a man should elevate himself to.
“So, you met with him? Is that what you’re telling me, Emily?”
“No!” she instantly reacts. “No, it’s not like that. I swear to you.”
“Then what’s it like?” I ask her.
“I told him to leave me alone. I told him to never call me again. I told him I had a boyfriend. He just kept saying he needed to apologize for everything. I hung up and that was that,” she says.
“But…” There’s still more to this.
“But he won’t stop calling me. I haven’t answered, but I don’t know what to do,” she says.
“I think it’s pretty damn easy. You block his number,” I say.
Fear entrenches her. She begins to retreat into the bed. “You don’t know Dennis. If I block his number, he’ll find me in person. It’s bad enough that I won’t answer his calls. His temper always gets the best of him. I don’t trust this treatment thing. There is no therapy in the world that’s going to help him. He’s a complete narcissist,” she says.
“He sounds like a complete pussy,” I reply. My anger is clearly getting the best of me, but I’m beginning to not give a damn.
“Stop, Michael. This is serious. I wanted to tell you because I love you. I don’t say those words to anyone,” she says.
“You said it to him,” I tell her.
“One person and I was tricked!” she whispers, though if she could, she’d be yelling with sadness, pain, and fear.
“Hey,” I whisper, trailing my fingers up and down the sides of her arms and back. “I’m sorry. Don’t get upset. It’s going to be okay. Like I said, I’m always here for you. No matter what. It’s just a shock to hear.”
“I don’t say those words to anyone,” she repeats. “It has to be real, and it almost never is. Even if things get hard between us, I know this is real. I know what you’ll do for me. I know you’re here, and I trust you.”
She falls onto my chest and groans. She closes her eyes as one tear falls from each lid. I slowly wipe the tears away and kiss where it begins to dry. “What do you want me to do?” I ask her.
“Just be close to me. I feel safe when I’m near you,” she tells me.
My emotions are hanging on a thread. Anger, rage, and frustration from not having any agency in any of this. I’m just a fucking bystander, unable to do anything. Instead I have to be the good man. I have to stand up tall and straight, while this son of a bitch moves in on my woman. Well, fuck that. That’s not how this is going down. Whether he likes it or not, I’m going to make it clear that this is a city he can’t step foot in. Hell, it’s not just for Emily’s sake. It’s for my daughter’s sake too.
We both close our eyes and let the whirlwind take us into sleep. There’s too much to think about at this time, but I will figure something out. I’m going to protect my family at whatever cost. The same goes for Emily.
Emily
Wake up. Eat. Work. Sleep. Dream. Wait for all your problems to go away. When it doesn’t happen quite as fast as you had hoped, repeat the steps above. That’s how my life is playing out. Sometimes, it feels like a broken record, waiting to be thrown in the trash.
And then I look at him. Perfect Michael. Daddy Michael. The bes
t thing that’s ever happened to me. All the bad in my life gets put on pause. In that serene garden, where time stands still, it is only us and we’re locked in gaze. Our hands are intertwined. We kiss. We fuck. We make love, over and over again, until the real world starts to creep in. Then, we push it all away.
“Wake up!” Lisa screams, as she throws open the door. “Ew, you guys sleep in the same bed?”
“What are you doing, little rascal?” Michael croaks and pries open his eyes. I’ve been awake for an hour now, just staring at him. No, not in a creepy way. I’m just admiring what I have right now. I’m lucky.
The sun is shining in the sky and there are no clouds to ruin its glorious rays. “It’s the weekend!” Lisa runs over to the bed and throws her hands on the bed sheets. She starts bouncing her butt in the air, while laughing.
“It’s party time already?” I laugh.
“Duh!” Lisa smiles and drops to the floor. She rolls around the carpet, out of breath, but the energy is coursing through her.
“Alright, alright,” Michael groans. He’s sluggish and tired, but all of a sudden, he jumps out of bed and runs toward Lisa. “But first… tickles!”
“No!” Lisa screams.
“Oh, yes,” I mutter. I carefully get out of bed and snicker, as Michael throws his hands into the air.
“Dad! No! I’ll call the… cops!” she squeals.
No daughter’s threat is a match against her father’s tickles. She squirms. She kicks. She even tries to bite and scratch. In the end, she’s forced to give in, nearly crying from laughing so hard. Michael pivots back and falls onto the bed again. “Now,” he says, out of breath, “it’s your turn, dear.”
“Don’t you dare, Michael,” I growl. He becomes lifeless, breathing heavily still.
“Fine. I’m too tired, anyway. Time for a nap.”
“Dad. I want to go to the mall. Wake up,” Lisa says.
“Can’t. Too much to do today,” he says.
“Oh, please!” she begs.
“Hey, I’ll take her to the mall,” I offer.