I hated flying. The flight home was horrendous. Since I'd packed so quickly to go, I'd forgotten all of my knock-my-ass-out drugs. Flying without them was the worst. I kept replaying everything in my mind. When Briggs asked me to move to Connecticut, I couldn't have been happier. Running away with him seemed like the perfect solution, but then I realized it would be running away. I needed to face the school year, my scandal, and the final disillusionment of my marriage with aplomb and grace. I couldn't hide from it all.
Leo'd been the epitome of strength and courage all weekend long. His mom, dad, and Cliff were a wreck, barely surviving. Leo had taken care of Austin and Avery as if it were the most natural thing in the world to him. It probably was. I glanced over at him, marveling at how strong and tenacious he was. He'd had one major breakdown at the funeral when the organist played a song that reminded him of Megan. He gripped my hand so hard; I worried that my fingers would never function properly again.
We'd spent one night talking until the wee hours of the night. Leo shared so many stories of his childhood, describing his relationship with Megan so thoroughly that I felt I'd known her my entire life. I lamented that I wasn't able to know her, share in his love for her. Purging so many stories, coupled with raw emotion, led to one intense and intimate sexual encounter that left me empty and lonely. I recognized it for what it was. The final goodbye.
Leo Cling was still moving to Scottsdale; he'd only flown home with me to…well…fly home with me. He knew how much I loathed flying, so he wanted to make the flight more bearable. Having my hand in his, certainly did comfort me, making me feel safe and secure.
Waiting to get off the plane, Leo looked at me and said, "Thank you for coming with me. I couldn't have done this alone."
I hugged him and said, "I'm quite positive you could have. You're pretty amazing, Leo Cling."
Once we got to the baggage claim, Char was waiting for me. I knew she was going to be there, but I felt a little sad to leave Leo. I wanted to make sure he was going to be okay. Nearly reading my mind, he said, "Don't worry about me. I'm gonna be just fine. I'll call you before I leave."
"When are you leaving for good?" I asked, as we waited for our luggage.
"Probably Thursday or Friday. I haven't checked the flights. My parents are coming home on Saturday, so I want to get back out there before they come home," he explained.
"Bye Leo," I said, hugging him, wishing I never had to say those words.
"Bye Janelle," he said, smiling sadly at me. "Take care."
"How'd it go?" Char asked, pulling into the Starbucks drive-through.
"Fucking sucked," I explained.
"Oh, I'm sure," she concurred, before placing her order. Char's mom died when she was in high school. Her dad had left them when she was just a baby. Char spent the last two years of high school living with her grandmother. She was the guru of death and coping. "You holding up?"
"I guess. Have you talked to Briggs this week?" I asked.
"Yeah, he said that he'd see you tonight," she said, paying the barista. "He's been beating himself up about that night in your yard. Won't let it go."
"Well he should. He was an ass," I stated.
"Yeah, but you need to get over it. He was crazy jealous and freaked. No big deal," she said.
"You're forever defending him, like he can do no wrong," I said, rolling my eyes at her. "Speaking of which, why didn't you tell me that he didn't want kids?"
"Oh good, you know?" she asked. I nodded, and indicated for her to start explaining. "It wasn't my place to tell you; it was his. If you were falling for him, then you needed all the details first."
"I guess you're right," I said. "If you knew he didn't want kids and you knew I did, then why would you keep pushing me toward him and away from Leo?" I asked.
"I just wanted you to explore all your options completely. I hated that you were so blind when you married Marcus. I wanted your eyes wide open for the next time around," she admitted.
"Next time around? Fuck that. I'm not getting married again," I swore.
"Yeah right," she said, changing the radio the station. "Plus didn't Briggs say that he'd have a kid with you?"
"I don't anyone's charity baby," I argued.
"He'd do anything for you. Hasn't he proven that enough?" she asked. "Are you gonna see him tonight?"
"Of course, I miss him." I said.
"Good, because he's already at your house."
"Can you forgive me?" Briggs asked.
"I already have," I said, sitting down on his lap. "Briggs, that was pretty shitty though, ya know?"
"I promise Janelle, nothing like that will ever happen again," he said, kissing my head. "So Cling's okay?"
"As good as can be expected…considering." I said. "I'm glad you came by, but I really need some sleep. It's been a long couple of days."
"So let's go to bed," he said, smirking at me.
"Briggs Alexander, I am beat. I'm going to bed…alone," I declared.
He just nodded, and said, "Can't blame a guy for trying."
I walked him to the door. "Ya know, tomorrow's July 31st. Ya know what that means, right?" he asked.
"The contract's up," I said. "I guess I have to look for two new guys to play with."
"Don't even joke about that. I'll see you tomorrow, Janelle," he said, walking out the door. "Hey by the way, Connecticut?"
"Very subtle Briggs, very subtle," I said, blowing him a kiss and closing the door.
I woke up with all the clarity in the world. It was almost as if everything fell into place, and I could finally see what I truly wanted and needed in life. I dressed in a hurry, couldn't wait to finally end this confusion and turmoil for everyone involved. I didn't even bother showering or putting on any makeup. I knew what I wanted, couldn't wait to have what I'd wanted all along.
Driving to his apartment, my stomach was in knots. I'd completely made my decision, a decision that took nearly two months to make. The bottom line was: I fell in love. I wasn't supposed to, but I did. I fell in love. Unfortunately, I fell in love with both Briggs and Leo. Head over heels, googly-eyed, take my breath away love with both of them. Sounds cliché, I know, but I did. Sadly enough, I couldn't choose both of them; I had to make a decision. Like Sophie's Choice. Holy Hell, not that hard, but hard nonetheless. I made the decision; it was crazy hard, heart-breakingly hard. Gut-wrenchingly hard.
Today was the day. I was going to tell him that it was him. I loved him, and I already couldn't imagine my life without him. I think he's going to be shocked; after all that we've been through, he didn't think he stood a chance, shouldn't stand a chance. Granted, he screwed up a few times this past month, making me question if he could really be the man that I needed him to be, could really take care of me and love me like I deserved to be loved, especially after all of the heartache I've endured. It's him though; I think I always knew it was him. I was just too afraid to admit it. I'm not sure people think we're right for one another, but this time, with him, I felt it. This was the real deal. This time, I was thinking forever.
I put my car into park, got out slowly, and walked up the steps to his place, noticing how hot the handrail was in the late July sun. It burned my hand, like I was getting too close to the fire. Icarus. No, not Icarus, this was not going to turn out badly; this was not going to crash in a fiery spiral downfall. I was not afraid anymore. Let it burn me; I was strong enough now to handle anything, endure physical and emotional pain both, and still come out on top. That much I knew for sure now.
I took a deep breath and knocked, hoping he was awake. There was no answer. I knocked again, a little louder with urgency the second time. After waiting a few minutes, I heard footsteps. My heart fluttered as I heard him approach, and I immediately thought back to how much we'd been through this summer, this past month. The door opened, and Briggs smiled when he saw me.
"Hey babe, what're you doing here?" he said, wrapping a towel around his neck. "I was just on my way to work out. But if you're h
ere, then we can get sweaty and work out in other ways," he said as he embraced me.
Pulling away, I said, "Briggs, I…I…"
I looked at the ground; I knew what I had to say. Couldn't wait any longer. Couldn't put it off. "You're wonderful. You're beautiful and perfect…but…but..."
"You're in love with Leo," he said nodding his head.
I nodded, feeling terribly for hurting him. "I'm so sorry."
"Don't be. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy. I mean; I wish it could be with me, but I've known. I've known for a long time," he admitted.
"Whattya mean?" I asked.
"It was simple. If you and Cling were together, and I showed up, you always looked so happy to see me. Your face just lit up. The same way you look when Char shows up," he explained.
"But how does that—"
"Let me finish," he said. "If you and I were together, and he showed up, then your face just fell. You looked ashamed and guilty. I've known all along," he claimed, taking the towel from his neck and wiping off his face. "I make you have fun. He makes you want to be a better person. I know, too, I see it…because that's what you do for me. I can't compete with that. I just kinda hoped I could."
"Briggs, you do make me have fun. I couldn't have gotten through all this Marcus crap without you. I'm serious," I said, grabbing his hand. "Please don't hate me."
"Janelle, I could never hate you," he said, hugging me. "I couldn't have gotten through high school without you," he added, laughing, lightening the mood. "Can I ask you something?"
"Anything," I said.
"Was I ever really in the running?" he asked.
"Truthfully?"
"Yeah, the truth Janelle," he said.
"Ummm, you were the frontrunner for most of the month…until…"
"I said I didn't want kids," he said.
"Nope," I admitted. "I could've talked you into that; I can be pretty persuasive in the bedroom."
"Good point," he said, grinning. "Until I fucked up on the night Megan died…"
"Nope," I said. "I understood where all that rage and pain was coming from."
"Okay, then when?" he said, looking thoroughly baffled.
"Briggs, it was something small that happened in Arizona, but turned out to be pretty monumental in the end," I explained.
"Alright then, I guess I don't want the details," he said, looking away from me. "I wanna say something though. I need to."
"Okay," I said, staring at his watery blue eyes.
"I love you, Janelle. I ain't never said that to anyone before," he admitted.
"Briggs, I do love you, too. I loved every minute I spent with you this summer, but—"
"No, don't finish that thought—just let it stop there," he said, covering my lips with his finger.
"We can still be—"
"Don't even say it. Don't even think about it. Forever, babe. You're stuck with me. Tell Char I'm taking her spot as bestie," he said.
Laughing I said, "Actually she's been sucking it up lately. You may just fall right into her spot."
"Janelle, just tell her if she doesn't come clean soon, I'm gonna tell you myself," he said.
Before I could even respond and ask him what he meant, he said, "Talk to her…now get outta here. I'm gonna cry a little and then work out a lot if I'm gonna find me a new chick."
Briggs kissed me on the forehead and hugged me. I left his apartment feeling lighter and happier than I had in a long, long time.
I drove to Leo's parents' house. His car wasn't there. I drove to his new house in the woods. I knocked on the door, but he didn't answer. Climbing the stairs to the back deck, I wondered where he was. His car was in the drive, but he wasn't anywhere to be found. I sat on the deck, waiting for him to show up. Then, I thought that maybe he was in our special spot out back, the place he'd made for us to escape. Didn't we both need an escape about now?
I walked back through the path and saw him. Leo was standing on a ladder, taking down the lights that had been strung along the perimeter of my "midsummer night's dream."
"Why're you taking them down?" I asked. Leo jumped when I spoke, nearly falling off the ladder. "I'm sorry; I didn't mean to startle you."
"It's kinda creepy back here. It's almost too quiet. I'm not gonna lie, scares me being out here alone," he confessed. Then, grabbing the next strand of lights, he said "I won't be back for a while, so I didn't want to leave all this stuff out here."
"But you are coming back, right Leo?" I asked, walking toward him.
"Yeah, eventually, when everyone's ready," he said coming down from the ladder. "Work said they'd take me back any time and to take my time. Cliff's pretty happy that I'm coming out. But I promised Megan that I wouldn't stay longer than a year. She said six months; I said a year. We'll see."
Leo sat down on the cushion; all the blankets and sheets had been stripped from them. "Wanna sit?" he asked.
I sat down next to him and took a deep breath. "Leo—"
"Yeah?" he said staring at me.
"I wasn't scared." I admitted. He looked at me, confused. "Flying there and flying home, I wasn't terrified. I flew one other time when I wasn't scared, but it was because I talked the whole time and forgot to be scared," I explained.
"Okay," he said.
"But this time, I was quiet, but still felt safe. Sitting next to you, holding your hand, just being with you, makes me feel safer and more secure than I've ever felt in my life," I admitted. Leo turned to me, staring at me with seriousness. "Leo, I've been so afraid these past six weeks, but I realized something; there is nothing to be afraid of." I moved closer to him and grabbed his hands. "Falling in love is the greatest feeling ever. But I think there are different kinds of love too. I loved Marcus, because he stopped me from feeling alone. I'll admit it, I even fell in love with Briggs too, because he made me forget my problems, distracted me from all the chaos in my life. He's a 24/7 party."
"Oh, okay. Well, I'm happy for you, Janelle," he said, as he started to get up.
"No, Leo…wait," I said, pulling on his waistband, pulling him back down. "Don't get up."
"I'm tired, Janelle. I don't want—"
"Just listen," I pleaded. "But I don't think those kinds of love are the ones that last; they're not the ones that matter." Leo stopped and faced me.
Continuing, I said, "Real love is knowing that the hand you're holding is the one that you want to hold for the rest of your life. Leo, it's knowing that it's the hand you want in yours when you're sad, when you want to be distracted, and when you face the scariest things you can think of. It's also knowing that once you let go that you don't want to wait one more second to hold it again."
"Janelle, what're you saying?"
"I'm saying that when we were in Arizona, I watched you, and couldn't believe how strong and wonderful you were. I knew that if anything ever happened to anyone in my family or to me that it was your hand that I wanted to be holding," I said, tears beginning to stream down my face.
He knelt down next to me and took a deep breath as his eyes began tearing up. I grabbed his hand and held it to my cheek, and said, "Leo Cling, you're the one I want to cling to for the rest of my life."
"It's about time," he said, laughing, wiping his eyes, and flashing those giant happy dimples, the ones I hadn't seen in a long time. "Now kiss me, Miss Garrity."
Leo told me that I had to wait until I got home to open the envelope he gave me. He said that he couldn't bear to be with me when I read it. I'd wanted to drive home and read it immediately, but he pretty much kept me captive in his bed all day…and his shower…and on his couch...and on his kitchen counter. I was the most satiated a hostage had ever been.
I opened the letter the second that I pulled into my driveway, since I promised him that I'd wait until I got home. Okay, so I really opened the envelope while I was driving, but I didn't take the letter out. Fuck. Okay, so I did take it out, but I didn't open the letter. I really didn't. I just wanted to be ready to read it as soon
as I got home.
As I unfolded the letter, I didn't recognize the messy penmanship that was scrawled across the paper. I glanced at the bottom, and immediately began to cry, when I read the words, "Love Megan." I started back at the top, and read:
Dear Miss Garrity (or Janelle),
I guess if you're reading this, then you finally got your head out of your ass. Nice work. Took you long enough. Now, trust me, I Facebooked Briggs Alexander, I saw what my brother was up against. I get how that could've been difficult. But we're talking about Leo for Fuck's sake. Nobody compares to him. He is the greatest guy that ever lived, next to my dad and Cliff of course. Nah, he's even better than Cliff. Shut the fuck up, you sick bitch, no I've never wanted to fuck my brother. Christ. Healthy bitches always have their minds in the gutter.
Anyway, Leo knows people better than anyone I've ever known. If he says you're worth the shit he's had to go through to help you get your fucking head out of your ass, then you probably are. So listen up bitch, if you're reading this, then I'm dead. That blows, because I can't kick your ass. But know this, if you hurt my brother, then I will haunt your ass. Remember in Ghost, when those ghosts could actually kill people? Oh yeah, Whoopi and Demi wouldn't be able to save your scrawny ass. I want to write more, but I fucking have diarrhea. This shit blows. Wear your goddamn sunscreen. If you ever see my kids without it, fucking beat their asses. But anyway, take care of my brother, and let him take care of you. You have my blessing. Like you care. But you should…Ghost.
Love,
Ps. Don't critique this for errors and shit. I have Cancer for Christ's sake.
The organ started, and my stomach flipped. After all the planning, after everything, I couldn't believe this day had finally come. I didn't think we'd actually get here. It was a tough, angry, brawling road, but we got here.
The Final Lesson Plan Page 20