by ANDREA SMITH
Chapter 29
Weston was at a loss for words after Penny had inexplicably fled the room. Everyone had remained momentarily silent, and then his mother had spoken, “Weston, I…”
“I’m going to see to her,” he had said, tossing his linen napkin on the table and scooting his chair back. “Something or someone has upset her,” he finished, glancing over at Carson.
“Hey, don’t look at me,” she said. “We were having a good time. You’re the one that ignored your girlfriend all afternoon.”
Weston bristled. “She’s a friend.”
“Well, maybe she sees it differently, Weston,” Darcy had said.
“No, she doesn’t,” Weston argued. “Look, she just went through a break-up with her boyfriend. I was just trying to be a friend to her – not move in on her like that. She seemed kind of lonely. Oh hell, she’s probably still upset over all of that – I’ll go talk to her. Go ahead and start without us. This might take a while.”
Weston found Penny, her face buried into her knees on the wrap around front porch. She briefly looked up as he took his place beside her.
“Hey, Penny,” he said softly. “What the hell is going on with you? Tell me, please.”
She sniffled and buried her head again. “I’m sorry for the way I acted in there,” she replied, her voice muffled. “I…I don’t know what got into me.”
“Maybe too many glasses of Bordeaux?” he offered with a small smile.
She shook her head back and forth. “No, I can’t blame the wine, as much as I’d like to. It was totally on me. I guess I came here expecting something and I discovered it was nothing like that.”
“I’m confused. What exactly did you expect to find?”
She sniffled again. “It’s complicated. It’s hard to explain.”
Weston shifted uncomfortably. He needed to know if his mother was right. Had he unknowingly led Penny to believe that he wanted more than just her friendship? “Have I led you on in some way, Penny?” he asked gently. “Because if I have…”
She raised her head, wiping away the tears on her cheeks with the palm of her hand. “Oh, God no. That’s not it at all.”
“Then what? Make me understand because I feel like a piece of shit here and I have no idea how to fix it.”
“It’s not for you to fix, Weston. It’s for me to fix. It’s my problem and it has absolutely nothing to do with you.”
“Is it about your break-up with Stuart? Because it seemed like – I don’t know – you couldn’t have cared less. Maybe it’s some kind of coping thing. I’m no shrink here,” he said with a laugh, “but maybe you’re denying yourself the right to grieve over the loss of your boyfriend or some shit like that.”
Penny shrugged and rubbed her forehead, and then laughed bitterly. “I’m in denial for sure, Weston. But trust me, it has nothing to do with Stuart.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yep, if I’m sure of anything, I’m sure of that. You know, he was the first…and well, the only guy I’d ever been with…intimately, I mean.” Her cheeks had turned a shade of crimson with that revelation.
It did not go unnoticed by Weston.
“Well, that’s nothing to be ashamed of. So, you were together for a long time then? Man, that has to hurt, Penny. I’m sorry.”
“For a couple of years is all. Not really that long, I guess. It probably comes as no shock to you, but I was kind of a late bloomer.”
Weston remained silent. He didn’t know how to respond to that at all. Maybe she just needed someone to listen, in which case, he was there for her.
“The thing is,” she continued, “well…I heard a rumor…”
Aww shit, Weston thought, she did find out about the cheating bastard after all. He sure as hell didn’t want to rub salt in the wound by confirming that he had in fact seen Stuart with Peyton.
“Well, hell,” he said. “You know how that goes. Rumors don’t necessarily have the truth behind them or they’d be called facts, right?”
She nodded. “I can see that now, but I have to admit it triggered my somewhat bizarre behavior here today. So, I guess I need to apologize.”
It was Weston’s turn to be caught off guard. His forehead furrowed in confusion. “I’m not following,” he admitted, running a hand through his dark mass of hair.
Penny lowered her head again, not meeting his puzzled gaze. “I heard second hand that the reason you invited me here today was to play a joke on your family.”
“What?”
She nodded and continued, “That’s why I wanted to embarrass you, but as you can see, it totally backfired.”
“Where the hell did you hear something like that?” His mind was racing now, not only in trying to figure out who would have started a rumor like that, but how it would have gotten back to Penny. They didn’t exactly travel in the same social circles.
“It doesn’t matter,” she said quietly. “I think I know now that it wasn’t the case.”
“Jesus,” Weston said, rubbing the palms of his hands against his jean-clad thighs, “if you really believed that, then why would you have shown up here, Penny? That makes no sense at all!”
“Because, I wanted to call you out on it, I guess. Seriously, Weston, we’re not exactly buddies. We barely got through this semester without killing one another. So, your invitation – well, it gave me cause to wonder about your motives. I don’t think that’s unreasonable.”
“Did you ever stop for one minute to consider how you come across to people? Yeah, you got on my fucking nerves big time this semester. But you did it on purpose. I don’t know, it’s like you have this thing about testing people. You never take anything at face value. Now I get that I can be a fuck-off at times with my classes, but you don’t cut much slack – which in my case, was probably appropriate. But it does make me wonder how you are with other people. I didn’t have any hidden agenda here, Penny. You showed compassion when I missed our sessions on account of my sister. You even took the time to talk to me about it. That’s what friends do. I told you more than I told my frat brothers about that shit with Carson.”
“Why?” she asked.
“I don’t know. Maybe because it seemed like you would be okay with it. And because sometimes a female perspective is what’s needed, I guess.”
“So, that’s why you invited me here today?”
Weston sighed, “I invited you here because I thought you might enjoy it, Penny. And I guess I thought maybe it would help take your mind off of your break-up with Stuart, okay? Nothing sinister or underhanded, I promise.”
It was Penny’s turn to laugh. “Oh God, Stuart? Seriously, Matthews?”
He nodded. “Well, yeah. I’ll be the first one to admit that what I know about chicks – other than the obvious – could fit on the head of a pin. But hell, I figured your heart might be broken. It’s not all that incomprehensible, is it?”
She chuckled again, and gave him a smile. “To an outsider, I suppose not, but friend to friend? Giving Stewie the boot was probably the best thing I’ve done for myself in a long, long time. Since we’re officially friends, can I share something here?”
Weston nodded.
“Do you know that I never had an orgasm the whole entire time we were together?”
“Noooo,” Weston replied, his eyes widened in disbelief.
“True story, I swear. But that has since been rectified.”
Weston waited, and hoped like hell she wasn’t going to provide too much information. He was out of his comfort zone if this conversation got more in depth about Penny’s sexual encounters. This was something she should share with another chick. But then again, maybe she didn’t have many friends. He knew so little about her.
“Well I’m glad to hear that, Penny.”
“Yeah, I mean he had me believing I was frigid, or a lesbian! How’s that for shooting a hole in my ego? I had nothing to compare my…experience to since he was the first,” she finished, a sheepish look crept over her face.
>
Weston felt bad that she’d never known a man intimately with the exception of that prick. “Bastard,” he said. “Dudes can be selfish pricks, no lie.”
Penny shrugged. “Sometimes, I guess, but women can be emasculating and calculating, too. It all goes back to the battle of the sexes I suppose. And the fact that the way males and females communicate with one another is so flawed. I mean, why would Stuart not have said anything until I broke things off?”
“Maybe he was subsidizing that part of the relationship with someone else.”
“What do you mean?” she asked, her brows furrowed.
“Getting some on the side,” Weston clarified.
“Hmmph,” Penny replied, “well if he had been, whoever it was sure as heck didn’t teach him anything. All it took was some downloaded porn and a rogue clown to show me just how much I had been missing out on with Stuart.”
Chapter 30
The rest of my afternoon with Weston and his family had blessedly been salvaged. We had returned inside, and I was totally thankful that everyone had acted as if nothing had happened.
The meal was awesome. Before I was getting ready to head out for Cranston, Carson pulled me aside.
“Got a minute, Penny?”
“Sure,” I reply, “what’s up?”
“Over here,” she says, nodding towards a den that is off the great room. I follow her, and she closes the door behind us.
“I just want to say that I hope everything is okay with you. I know things got a little…well, weird earlier, and I hope it wasn’t because of me.”
“No, of course it wasn’t,” I reply. “Why would you even think that?”
“Because sometimes I make people uncomfortable, and I did kind of dominate your time before dinner and all…”
“No, it was totally me, Carson. Sometimes I hide behind my self-imposed façade. It’s hard for me to let people in, so I pretend to be something I’m not if you know what I mean.”
“Yeah,” she replies, nodding, “I totally get that because in a way, you and I are kindred spirits. We both know more than we let on, don’t we? We both have secrets.”
“You think I have secrets?” I ask.
“I know you do. But your secrets? Well, they’re different than mine.”
“Why are you so sure of that?” I ask, feeling so exposed by her assessment. “Everyone has secrets I suppose, and they all have different reasons for them.”
“No this is different. I feel things about people. You hide behind your secrets, Penny. My secrets hide behind me. That’s the difference.”
I’m not sure what Carson’s message is here, but I want her to know that if she needs to ever share, I’m perfectly willing to listen. “Carson, I know you’ve been through some difficult stuff. And I barely know you, but in a way I feel like I know you well. I hope we get a chance to talk again because I have a feeling we just might understand the language.”
“I’m sure of that, too. I really like you, Penny. I hope Weston brings you to see us again.”
And then she wraps her arms around me and gives me what I can only guess is a sisterly hug. I hug her back, gently of course, because I know she’s still suffering. “You take care, Carson. I’m so happy to have met you.”
Weston has become exceedingly quiet since our talk on the front porch. My guess is that he might have felt weird when I divulged the details of my sex life with Stuart to him, but I just felt the need to reinforce to him that Stuart hadn’t broken my heart, but on the contrary, his punishing words had served to unleash my repressed sexual being in ways I never could have imagined.
I say goodbye to his family, thanking them for a wonderful day. It’s getting dark outside. Weston walks me to my car.
“Are you heading back to Cambridge?” I ask.
“Uh, yeah. Got practice tomorrow. You?”
“I’m headed to see my dad and stepmother,” I reply, “but I’ll be back on Monday. So, I guess I’ll see you for our last session the week before finals?”
“Well, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about. I really feel like I’m ready to fly solo, Penny. I’m carrying a high “B” and I think I can get through my finals okay. I just have to write a composition on how the books I read over the semester influenced my perception of Early American Literature from a female’s perspective.”
“I know the assignment, Weston. It’s based on the book selection you were given this semester.”
“You mean the books you selected for me from Lindquist’s syllabus.”
“Well, yeah. Won’t you want me to read your draft before finalizing it?”
“Would you mind?”
“Of course not. That’s what I’m here for, silly.”
“I’ll have it ready for you to review the Tuesday of finals week then.”
“Great. Same time, same place. See you then.”
And as I drive off, I can’t help but glance into my rearview mirror. Weston is still standing there, his hands in the pockets of his jacket. He’s watching my car disappear around the curve of the road as I head out. He seems different; kind of distracted.
I push everything from my mind for now. I have three days to get through with my dad and stepmother. I reflect on Carson’s words: You hide behind your secrets. My secrets hide behind me.
Truer words were never spoken. Maybe it’s time for me to stop hiding and start facing the truth. It’s been going on for too long and I’m just now realizing how much damage it’s done over the years. I’ve hidden behind it just like Carson said, and I’ve used it as some sort of shield or trumped up cause in an effort to deny that it has marked me in ways that aren’t healthy.
My senior thesis to this point has been shot to hell. For some reason, I’m not bothered by that at all. Instead, I’m overwhelmed by a feeling similar to the one I had when I ended things with Stuart. It’s an epiphany of sorts, and it sure as hell makes me feel strong and empowered.
This is good. This is what will serve me well at my father’s house.
Chapter 31
Weston watched as the tail lights of Penny’s car disappeared around the curve in the road before he exhaled the breath he’d unknowingly been holding.
He felt as if he’d been punched in the gut. His inner voice had been arguing with the voice of reality.
There was no fucking way.
Ever since those two words had left Penny’s mouth a couple of hours ago, he had simply gone through the motions of appearing normal.
Rogue Clown.
Surely she hadn’t meant what he thought she had meant at first.
He played it back, over and over again in his mind, trying to remember her exact words.
Downloaded Porn. Rogue Clown.
Those had been the words. He quickly pulled out his phone. If she had downloaded porn, he was guessing that maybe Rogue Clown was the name of some porn site. He entered those two words to see what Google would pull up. There was nothing tied to a porn site with that name.
Maybe it was some sort of vibrator or dildo? He scanned a large sex toy site for such an item.
Perfect Rabbit
Vibrating Rock Chick
Knob Essence
Rub My Ducky
The Sqweel
Club Vibe
Ora
Nothing he could find was anything close to Rogue Clown.
Weston ran a hand through his hair. There was no fucking way that Penny Lane had been the hot little witch that he’d hooked up with last month. Even with the witch make-up, fake nose with wart, and the blackened out teeth – there was just no fucking way!
His witch hadn’t worn glasses for one thing. And their builds didn’t match. Well, admittedly, Weston hadn’t realized that Penny actually had nice tits until today. For whatever reason, the bulky clothes she wore at school had hid that fact pretty well. Notwithstanding that, Penny had a spare tire going on. His witch, though dressed in a black dress, would certainly have conveyed that regardless. No. She had no such tummy roll
. She had been lean, mean, and a fucking sex machine.
So, he concluded, the build was off, and the eyes were off. He remembered that his witch had either green or blue eyes. He would certainly have remembered brown eyes, regardless of how shit-faced he had been.
It simply was not possible that he had fucked Penny. She would have had no reason to even be at that party. It was invite only, and she wasn’t in to social networks like sorority and fraternity parties. That wasn’t her gig at all.
And even if he overlooked all of the above, how was it that Penny would not have known it was him? Of course, all their communication for the most part had been physical. And with his white face, round red ball nose, and sad face painted on, his own mother wouldn’t have recognized him.
It had been a tongue and cheek thing to do. The only reason he had shown up as a clown was because of the argument he and his father had had earlier that week. Hadn’t his father suggested he join the circus and be a god damned clown?
It had simply been some passive aggressive backlash that had made Weston feel better about the argument. Way better after his witch had taken him by the hand and had her way with him in that empty conference room.
There was no way that was Penny he concluded, breathing easier now. Sometimes he read too much into shit. Penny was so damn complex anyway, using the term Rogue Clown could have been some sort of code for something else.
He was sure of it.
Still, he wasn’t one hundred percent convinced of it. That was why he intended to make it his mission once back in Cambridge to peel back the layers of Penny Lane. Someone had to know something about her. Nobody could be that innominate, could they?
He had made it his mission to find out.
Chapter 32
I awake early to the smell of coffee and the sound of Louise bustling around in the kitchen downstairs. My father undoubtedly is already in the bagel shop since it is after seven. Our home consists of a kitchen, dining room, and small living room downstairs, since the other half of the downstairs is comprised of the Bagel Stop, the lower floor of our apartment is fairly narrow.