No special dreams came to help me out, though, just the normal kind, full of Rennie throwing cups at the wall and breaking them, one at a time, while Nan built the fire in the stove so high that little flames came out the vents and Allie tried to fill a live swarming weasel with bread stuffing so they could bake it for dinner and I ran back and forth among them trying to persuade them to stop. I woke up feeling tireder than when I’d gone to bed.
I thought about Roger off and on for the next week, and the more I thought, the less I knew what I wanted to say. I was twenty-one; I wouldn’t turn twenty-two until June. A lot of my upper-school friends were married already. Roger was nice, and it wasn’t like I had a lot of proposals to choose from.
On the other hand, I remembered what it had been like when the McNeil Expedition came back. All the men had been mobbed by “expedition ladies” wanting their attention — Nan and Rennie had been among them, and Allie would have, too, if she hadn’t been too young for flirting then. I didn’t think Roger would have any trouble finding someone else if I turned him down … or even if I didn’t.
That was the real problem, I decided. Two years was long enough to change someone, and change them a lot. Once the expedition got past the far end of settlement territory, we wouldn’t even have letters. And the expedition itself would change everyone on it.
I thought about that for a while, and then one evening when Rennie was watching the childings and everyone else was talking expedition in the front room, I hunted Brant down. I found him in the study room, where Papa still taught some of his special students once in a while. He was sitting at the big round table in the middle with a big book in front of him. He closed it as I came up, but not before I saw that he’d been looking at an old map of settlement territory.
“Do you have a minute?” I asked. “I wanted to talk to you.”
“About what?”
“The expedition.” I saw his expression and hurried on. “Not about you. About Lan.” I still didn’t want to tell anyone about Roger’s proposal, for fear of embarrassing him if I turned him down, but Brant wouldn’t be surprised that I was worried about my twin. “He’s going, and I want to know what it’s going to be like for him. For when he comes back.”
When I’d first thought of talking to Brant, I’d planned to be a lot clearer, but he seemed to understand me anyway. “Nobody knows what it’s going to be like,” Brant said. His lips twisted and he glanced upward, toward the room he and Rennie shared. “That’s the difficulty.”
“I know,” I told him. “I didn’t mean the details. I meant —” I waved my hands helplessly. “What it’s like coming back, I suppose.”
“Everything’s different.” Brant’s eyes got a faraway look to them. “When you’re out, there’s just the few of you, and after two years in one another’s pockets, you know everything about everyone, or nearly — from how they drink their coffee to the twitch that means they’re annoyed about something. And there’s a lot of annoying, believe me.
“Then you get back and there are too many people, and they’re all too close, and there’s too much noise. Even people you know — they expect you to be changed, but they don’t really think about how much, or in what ways. And they’ve changed from the way you’ve been remembering them for two years, but nobody but you even remembers that they were ever different, because everyone else was there for it and has gotten used to it.”
“It sounds hard,” I said.
“It was harder for some than for others.” Brant fell silent for a moment. “What bothered me the most were the little things. I’d known that there’d be some big things happening, like my best friend showing up at the welcome-home with a year-old baby, and I was more or less braced for those. But — well, I used to drink my coffee with a bit of sweet in it, but we ran short on sugar once the winter set in, so all of us got accustomed to taking it black. I almost choked when Aunt Lewis handed me a cup that she’d sweetened, the first night I spent with her and my uncle after the expedition.”
“Was it the same when you came back from the settlement last year?” I asked.
“Some,” Brant said. “But we were seven years out in Oak River, and nobody was expecting anything to be much the same. And we knew some of what had been happening here from letters — the big things, anyway. My parents moving back East, for instance, and your brother Jack going off to the settlements. And Nan getting married, and Lan coming back from Simon Magus for a while. There’s no mail when you’re out in the Far West.”
He fell silent again, but it was a thinking sort of silence, like he was pondering on what he’d said. I thought about asking him something more, but I couldn’t think of anything that wouldn’t give away the fact that I was interested in more than just what Lan would be like when he came back. So I thanked him and left him fingering the spine of the book of maps and staring at the darkened, snow-speckled study window.
I spent the evening mulling over what Brant had said. I was still mulling when I went in to work. Around mid-morning, Professor Torgeson came to talk with Professor Jeffries. They spent half an hour in his office, and then called me in.
I picked up my notebook and a pencil and went in, figuring it was something about preparations for the expedition. Almost as soon as I sat down, Professor Torgeson glanced at Professor Jeffries and began.
“I don’t know whether you know this, but the magicians and scientists who are going on the expedition to the Far West this spring have been asked to choose their own assistants, within certain parameters,” she said.
“I’d heard,” I said, thinking of Professor Ochiba and William.
Professor Torgeson nodded. “Good. Then you won’t be surprised to hear that I’ve been discussing the matter with the Settlement Office, and I’d like you to come along as my assistant, Eff.”
My mouth fell right open and I stared at Professor Torgeson, unable to speak.
Professor Jeffries laughed. “I would say that on the evidence, you are wrong about the surprise, Aldis.”
Professor Torgeson gave him an annoyed look, then frowned at me. “Really, Eff, who else did you think I would choose? We already know that we can work together; you did very well on the survey trip.”
“And you’re one of the few in the scientific section who’s had firsthand experience taking on unknown wildlife,” Professor Jeffries put in.
“It’s even worse than that,” Professor Torgeson said tartly. “At present, Eff and I would be the only ones in the scientific section who have been west of the Mammoth at all, though I believe Professor Lefevre has visited parts of northern Acadia that are not protected by the Great Barrier Spell. I don’t know what the selection committee was thinking.”
“You could have anyone you wanted,” I said, finding my voice at last. “And if you’re looking for experience, Lan was there, too, when we shot the medusa lizards.”
Professor Jeffries smiled. “But Mr. Rothmer has already been chosen to be one of the exploration-and-survey personnel. I don’t think the Settlement Office would release him to the scientific section even if there were no alternative.”
“I wouldn’t ask them to,” Professor Torgeson snapped. She started to add something, looked at me, and stopped. “Mr. Rothmer has a strong theoretical background, certainly, but I prefer to choose an assistant who I am certain will be personally compatible.”
“An assistant’s job is, after all, to assist,” Professor Jeffries said, nodding. “And much as I will miss your assistance here, Miss Rothmer, I have to confess that I am not surprised by Professor Torgeson’s choice … nor do I disapprove of it.”
“Th-thank you, Professor,” I stammered. “I —” I paused. I’d almost accepted straight off, but then pictures of Mama and Roger and Lan and Allie ran through my mind, and I realized that might not be such a good idea. “I wasn’t expecting this at all,” I said instead. “I’ll have to think about it.”
“It is a big decision,” Professor Jeffries said. “Take your time.”
/> “But not too much time,” Professor Torgeson added. “I can easily give you a week, I think, but after that the Frontier Management Department will start insisting on my answer.”
“I think a week will be enough,” I told her. “It’s just — it really hadn’t occurred to me. And my mother is already unhappy about Lan going. I don’t know what she’ll say if I tell her …”
Professor Torgeson smiled, and I realized that I’d just as much as said that I wanted to accept. Professor Jeffries looked thoughtful. “That aspect hadn’t occurred to me,” he said after a moment. “Still, I am sure that you will make the right choice, Miss Rothmer. Whatever that choice may be.”
We talked for another hour about what my duties would be, about the precautions the expedition would be taking, and how everything would be organized. There would be ten people in the scientific section of the expedition, six of them experts in wildlife study or different kinds of magic and four of them assistants. Adept Alikaket, the Cathayan representative, had decided he didn’t want an assistant, so they’d been able to fit an extra magician in, though they couldn’t give him or her an assistant like the first four. There were only eight people in the exploration-and-survey section, and thirteen in the section that included the army and support staff.
The official head of the expedition would be Mr. Corvales from the Frontier Management Department, but Professor Jeffries said that the captain of the army unit would probably have just as much authority. Since the Cathayans were sponsoring the expedition and sending Adept Alikaket along, the professor figured it’d probably be three people actually making the important decisions for the whole expedition.
I left the office with my head in a whirl, and it wasn’t until mid-afternoon that my mind started to settle. I didn’t even try to pretend to myself that I didn’t want to take the professor’s offer. I wanted to be part of the expedition. I wanted it so badly that I could taste it like the sharp bite of fresh-ground pepper on my tongue. But the more I thought, the more I wasn’t sure I should accept.
Mama was already worrying about Lan, and he hadn’t even left yet. I could see how much Brant wanted to go; the only reason he hadn’t said yes already was because of Rennie’s nagging. I figured he’d accept eventually, and if I said yes, too, that would make three of us, which seemed like a lot from one family. Especially if no one came back.
Then there were William and Roger. They weren’t family, but they were close enough that Mama would fuss about them at least a bit, especially if she found out that Roger had proposed to me. If I went, too —
My mind stuttered to a stop and backed up. For the first time in days, I’d forgotten all about Roger’s proposal.
Right about then, Professor Jeffries came out and caught me staring at the wall with my dipping pen gone dry in the middle of the page I was copying. He smiled and told me to go home for the day, as I’d clearly be no use to him until I was done thinking.
I didn’t go home right away; if I’d gone, I’d have had to explain to Mama why I was there early, and I wasn’t ready for that. Instead, I went to the college library. People were used to seeing me there, picking up books for the professors or making notes on something they needed, so no one would think anything of me being there, and I’d have quiet and time to think.
I found a place at a long table near the clerestory windows at the back, and settled in for some more thinking. I still wasn’t sure what to tell Roger, but whatever I told him, it was bound to make things awkward if we both went on the expedition. If we were engaged, it would cause talk even if we were in different parts of the expedition and even if Lan were along, too, and if I told Roger no, it would be awkward if we had to work together.
Of course, we still had time to get married before the expedition left, if we hurried. That way, there wouldn’t be talk and it wouldn’t be awkward. On the other hand, I’d have duties toward a husband that might take time away from what I was on the expedition to do. Also, I didn’t know how Roger would feel about having his wife along.
I didn’t come to any conclusion, but that night I asked Papa if I could talk to him after dinner. I told him about Professor Torgeson’s offer, and that I thought I wanted to accept, but that I wanted to think on it for a few days before I told everyone else. “I don’t want Lan and Allie fighting over it when I’m not sure myself,” I said. “If I decide not to go, it’d be better not to say anything at all.”
Papa nodded. “I think that’s wise. And your mother?”
“I figured you’d know whether to tell her now or wait.”
He smiled slightly and nodded. Then he gave me a long, searching look. “How long do you have to decide?”
“Professor Torgeson gave me a week. She needs to know soon so she can pick someone else if I say no.”
“And do you really think you will be saying no, Eff?”
“I —” I didn’t know how to answer him. “I think I know what I want. I just don’t know how good an idea it is.”
Papa sighed. “I can’t say I’m happy about two of my children heading into the unknown with no guarantee of returning. Lewis and Clark never —”
“The Lewis and Clark Expedition disappeared nearly fifty years ago, Papa! The McNeil Expedition came back without losing a single man, and all the spells and guns are ten years better now.”
“McNeil didn’t go past Wintering Island,” Papa pointed out. “This group is planning to go a lot farther.” He paused. “Are you really sure about this, Eff?”
“Some of the time, I am,” I said. “Some of the time, it’s … I liked being out in the settlements with Professor Torgeson that summer we spent on the wildlife survey, and I liked taking the mammoth to the new study center. So I ought to like this. But it’s —” I waved my hands, trying to find words for what I wanted to say. “It’s bigger. And some of the time it scares me.”
“Ah.” Papa sat back. “It’s not something you can take back if you change your mind in the middle.”
I nodded. “And it’s not like everything will stay the same while I’m gone. Anything could happen — Nan might have another baby, or Robbie or Jack might get married, or … or anything!”
“It’s a hard thing to walk away from what you know, even when you’re positive you’re heading for something better,” Papa said. “When you’re not positive … well, it’s just that much harder to decide.” He sighed. “Remember when we moved to Mill City? It took me nearly a year to make up my mind to come. Your aunts and uncles thought I was mad to move so close to the frontier, and your oldest brothers and sisters weren’t happy about us being so far away.”
“Mama said you couldn’t help coming to build the school,” I said hesitantly.
Papa’s eyes had a faraway remembering look. “The Northern Plains Riverbank College was barely four years old, and I knew I could make a mark on it if I came. But there weren’t any guarantees that it would all come together the way I hoped.” He shook his head and looked at me. “In the end, though, I knew that if I’d stayed back East, I’d have wondered all my days how it would have turned out. And I must say, I haven’t ever been sorry we came, not even when things were … difficult.
“So think hard, Eff. Think about how you’d feel and what you’d regret in ten or twenty years, both ways — if you go, and if you don’t go. Then make your decision, and I’ll support it.”
“Lan decided before he even got home from the office.”
Papa laughed a little ruefully. “I hope I persuaded him to do some thinking after, at least. But his situation is a little different from yours. His decision may be, as well.”
I nodded. Everyone in the family had always known that Lan would be going out to do new and dangerous things, because that’s what seventh sons of seventh sons do. Nobody had thought specifically about him going out to the Far West, but it wasn’t a huge and horrible surprise.
But me — I was the one in the family who’d always had the most trouble with magic, right through upper school, and I
didn’t have any special skills, like Roger’s geomancy, that would make me a good choice for the expedition. Nobody had ever even suggested that I might be picked, not even after everybody knew Professor Torgeson was going.
Papa and I talked a little longer, and then I left. I didn’t tell him about Roger’s proposal, or how confused I was about it. I stayed awake most of the night turning things over and over in my mind. I pictured how it would be if I told Roger yes and went on the expedition with him, and how it would be if I said no and went. I thought about what it would be like to stay home and wait for him, and how it would be if I didn’t wait.
It occurred to me after a while that I hadn’t really been thinking about marrying Roger. I’d been thinking about how marrying him would affect things if I went on the expedition, or if I didn’t. That didn’t sound right to me. I sighed. I didn’t want to hurt Roger, but I had to admit that not wanting to hurt him was a terrible reason to marry a man. Wanting things to work smoothly on an expedition was an even worse reason, especially since the expedition would only be two years and we’d be married for the rest of our lives.
That was when I knew what I would tell Roger. I still didn’t know what I’d tell Professor Torgeson. I thought about Mama some more. I remembered the talk we’d had before I joined the group that moved the mammoth to the study center. She’d as good as told me straight out that she wouldn’t stand in my way when I wanted to go out to the West again, even though she worried. We didn’t raise any of you to walk a path other than your own, she’d said. I relaxed suddenly. I’d decided on my path a long time back, and though I hadn’t really recognized it, I was sure Mama had. I could put off following it for a while if I didn’t go on the expedition, but that would only make it harder when I finally started.
It was right to think about what everyone else would think and how they’d feel about my decision, but it wasn’t right for me to let that change my mind. I was pretty sure, now, what it was I wanted to do. I still had to figure out how to do it the best way for everyone.
The Far West (Frontier Magic #3) Page 13