by Kady Hunt
Oh God how will I live without her?
How will I live without her kisses, her beautiful skin, without feeling the way it feels lying next to her in bed, how will I live without all of that?
I feel like I’ve done nothing, but I’m still getting punished. Or maybe I’m kidding myself. I have committed sins. I have broken hearts, I have lied, I have done things to be embarrassed about but maybe if I had felt this way before, I wouldn’t have done the things I did do.
I should be letting her go, but instead, I’m just making it worse.
But how can I let her go?
When her touch feels like it is the way perfect should be.
When her heart beats so peacefully next to mine.
When we intertwine our fingers and pretend like we’re never going to be apart and it feels like everything is right with the world.
When every moment I spend with her, feels like I’m falling in love all over again.
We might never find forever, or a happily-ever-after. Not with the things I now know. But for those few moments, we can pretend that we have it all.
But that’s the thing about moments.
No matter how hard you try to hold on—
They always end.
26.
HOLDEN
“Holden,” Teague says. “You do realize you’re referring to that bigger version of your sperm as your child. It’s no more a child than Mia is.”
“Hey!” Mia says from the bed. “I resent that!”
“She’s lying,” Teague says. “She’s totally into the whole daddy/daughter thing.”
“Shut. Up. Teague.”
“Teague this is serious!” I snap. “We’re talking life and death here! I can’t believe you’re making jokes!”
“Okay,” Teague says, pouring me a drink. “I’m sorry. Here.”
I take the drink and take one big swallow.
“So,” Teague says. “To sum it up: your mother is trying to kill your girlfriend. And the…sperm too. Is that it?”
Guess that’s as serious as I’m going to get from Teague, so I try not to take a swing at him. “That’s the gist of it, yes.”
“And you want Jamie safe,” he says. “And you don’t know whether or not you want to keep that…sperm.”
I roll my eyes. “Stop that, Teague!”
“Okay, fine! Jeez. The baby. You don’t know whether or not you want to keep it.”
“No.”
“And you don’t know if Jamie wants to keep it?”
“She’s undecided,” I say. “And I don’t want to force my decision on her.”
“Right.”
“I don’t know what to do.”
“Look,” Teague says. “You get that Harlow wants something from you, that’s why he’s helping you.”
“Of course I get that.”
“Good. And you also get, that no matter who she happens to be, your mother happens to be your mother.”
I nod absently.
“Holden,” Teague says. “Have you given any thought as to what you’re going to do about your newfound status as the heir of a drug empire?”
“What do you think, Teague?”
“Okay,” Teague says. “I’m going to assume that you have given it a lot of thought. And what have you decided?”
“What do you mean?”
“Holden,” he says. “We’re talking criminals here. These people are murderers, drug dealers. You’re not going to go to the cops?”
“Harlow said he was going to break my legs if I went to the cops,” I say. “And I sort of need my legs.”
“Maybe he’s bluffing. Besides, how’s he going to break your legs from a jail cell?”
“You’re right. I could go to the cops.”
“But you’d have to come clean about your mother. You think you can do that?”
I give the idea a few minutes. “Yes.”
“Are you sure?” Teague says. “They’ll probably put her in prison and freeze all your cash. You’d be broke. Penniless. You won’t even have a home because I know a thing or two about parents going to prison and I know they do that.”
“I’ll be broke and penniless with a conscience.”
“Since when did you start giving a shit about these things?”
“What do you want me to do, Teague?” I say. “Stand by and watch while my mother kills people left, right and center? Do what Harlow tells me to do? You know it’s not going to be something normal or good. He’s after my mother. And my mother’s probably after him, and they’re just going to use me as a pawn!”
“So be a rich pawn,” Teague says.
“Teague, I don’t care about the money.”
Teague puts his glass down and stares directly at me for the first time. “You say that now,” he says. “But you don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.”
“And you do?”
“You don’t even remember, do you?”
“Remember what?”
“Holden,” Teague says. “My father went to jail for embezzlement. We were in fourth grade. You don’t remember I took a whole year off?”
“Oh,” I say. “I thought you said you were on a ski vacation.”
“For a whole year?”
“Hey, I was a dumb kid back then.”
“You’re still dumb Holden,” Teague says. “Dumb enough to think that being broke is something you can handle. We had no money when they threw my dad in prison, they froze his accounts, we were broke and living with some relative who put me and my mom and my little sister in a fucking shed. My mom was afraid they would take us too and she couldn’t let that happen. So, she divorced my father and married this other guy. And Burke was an asshole to us, but he was nice to my mother. But we lived with that asshole because if it wasn’t for that asshole’s money, we would have been in the system or with some ridiculous foster family.”
“Teague, I’m so sorry. I had no idea, you never said anything.”
“Yeah well,” Teague says, downing the alcohol. “I don’t like to talk about my shit.”
Mia comes and hugs Teague and gives him a kiss on the forehead. Then she comes to sit with us and pours herself a drink, all the while dressed in nothing more than a really short skirt and a revealing blouse. “I have an idea,” Mia says. “Why don’t you just break up with Jamie? I mean, until things get sorted. You say you can’t tell her all this, for her own safety, which I get but you can just let everyone know that you’re not with her. Your mother wants her dead because she thinks Jamie is going to ruin things by getting you away from her. She’s threatened because of the baby, right? So if you’re no longer with her, won’t that guarantee her safety?”
“You want me to leave Jamie?” I say. “In the position she’s in? I should just abandon her? Why don’t I just commit suicide and then mother won’t have the need to go after Jamie!”
“Not true,” Mia says. “Your mother will only become madder and who knows what she’ll do then.”
“You’re basically asking me to kill myself!”
“You really love her that much?”
“Mia…”
“No, Holden. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. Look, we’ll think of something okay? Between the three of us, we can come up with one good idea, right?”
27.
HOLDEN
Vincent Connolly is a young guy, late thirties at most, and looks nothing at all like Teague described. But Teague says they’re close, that he was the one guy in his step-father’s family who was actually nice to them growing up. Technically, Teague and Vincent are cousins, well, step-cousins I suppose, but they’re close. I can tell by the way Vincent smiles when I mention Teague, that he’s fond of Teague and his sister Allison.
Vincent is good looking, tall, and muscular; looks like he goes to the gym every day. Unlike me, he has a pumped up body and in the uniform, it gives him an air of authority. Despite the fact that I know Teague trusts him, I trust Vincent a little less because I feel inti
mated by the fact that I’m in an actual precinct and surrounded by cops, knowing the things I now know.
Vincent takes me to the interrogation room and asks me my details. He tells me everything is being recorded. I can’t stop thinking about that night, when Harlow took me to that parking lot and showed me what my mother was capable of. Her firing that gun, I hear it over and over and the gruesome face of that man she left behind, showing through the cracked helmet. And then Max and the others were taking him away, probably to dispose of the body. I wonder if I can even confess to seeing all that when the time comes or if I’ll chicken out.
But this is my decision.
I will face the repercussions, whatever they might be, as long as they don’t involve getting Jamie or the baby hurt. I’m confident that my confession will change everything. It has to. I’ve got a LOT riding on this to go well.
“So,” Vincent says, sitting across from me on the table. “What did you want to tell me?”
Once more, I conjure up the events from that night and wonder where I should begin. “Well,” I say. “A while ago, I got shot, by some random shooter in the street.”
“Oh. I’m sorry. Are you alright?”
“Fine. The bullet never touched any vital organs. They just had to control the bleeding so yeah, it wasn’t a walk in the park, but I’m fine.”
“And you reported this?”
“My mother did,” I say.
“Right. So, what happened after that?”
I swallow. “Well,” I say. “While I was in the hospital, someone…some guy he called himself Harlow, he took me from the hospital. I was on heavy painkillers, and I can’t remember how I got in the car. All I remember is waking up and there was Harlow and this other guy…Ronnie…they take me to a parking lot. There, they knock out the security guy and force me to go into the surveillance room. In that room, they show me things.”
Vincent is quiet. “And?” he says. “What did you see?”
I swallow even harder this time.
My mouth feels dry.
“I saw that shooter,” I say. “He was wearing the same clothes, the helmet and everything, that my friend said he saw. And then…and then I saw…I saw someone shoot the shooter in the head. And that someone…was my mother.” I wipe the constantly forming beads of sweat off my forehead. It’s over. You did it, Holden. You saved Jamie and the baby.
Vincent gets up.
I look up. “Vince?”
He doesn’t say a word and goes out the door.
After a while, he comes back inside and sits on his chair.
He leans over the desk.
“Come closer,” he says.
So I lean over as well. “Is everything okay?”
“No, everything is not okay!” he snaps. “I’m going to have to pay someone to get that tape out of the recorder and into my hands now, you idiot.”
I just sit there, numb.
“If I knew you belonged to The Family,” he says. “I wouldn’t have brought you in here. In fact, you don’t just belong to The Family, you’re the fucking heir!”
“How…”
“How do I know?” he says. “Because I work for your mother. You know why I work for your mother? So my family can stay alive.”
I feel like he just pushed me into some dark world and there’s no coming out of it.
“Holden,” Vincent says. “You know who my father is? My father is Teague’s uncle, Walter Connolly. We have an estate big enough to ensure that I and several generations after me don’t have to work a day in our lives. You know why I still became a cop? No, I guess you don’t know. I became a cop because your mother wanted someone on the inside. So I could bail her out when stupid people do stupid things. Like you’re doing right now, Holden.”
“So…you’re saying you won’t take my confession?”
“No cop within a hundred miles of New York will. But not everyone is going to be as polite as I’m going to be. You’re Teague’s friend, so I’m going to let it go this one time. I’m not going to report this to your mother. But if you go to someone else, they might not be as willing to get themselves in trouble because of their stupid cousin or their friends. You get what I’m saying, Holden?”
I nod because he seems to expect it.
“I have no choice,” the words just spill from my mouth.
I think he takes some pity on me because he thinks I’m having a nervous breakdown. He becomes polite again, more gentle
“Look,” Vincent says, standing up and coming over to my side. He places a hand on my shoulder. “I know it can’t be easy, finding out…all this. But you need to get used to who you are. Sooner you do that, the better off you’ll be.”
28.
HOLDEN
I’ve polished off half a bottle of whiskey and it does nothing.
Harlow has been trying to call and when I don’t pick up his call he keeps sending those cryptic texts, urging me to ‘do something.’ I think I refuse to pick up the phone because it seems like I will have to face reality again and that’s the last thing I want to do. Whatever life you were living until this moment, has ended kid. Sooner you get used to it, the better. I know I should listen to his advice but I can’t help that I find myself unable to let go of my past life, the life that I had been living until now, the one that I had gotten used to, the one I thought I was going to have for the rest of my adulthood. Why did my mother hide all of this from me? And why was she trying to kill Jamie? I wouldn’t have believed it for a second if it hadn’t happened right in front of my eyes. My mother is a bad person. Harlow and Ronnie just stood by and let her murder a guy, so they couldn’t be good people either. If the choice was between my mother and Harlow, then no matter which one I chose, I would still be a bad person.
But Harlow keeps telling me I have to take certain steps if I want to save Jamie.
And the whole baby thing, I honestly don’t even to know what to do with that. Why is my life suddenly crumbling all around me? As much as I am not ready to have that baby, I find I’m not able to leave Jamie either. I want to be there for her, no matter what. Baby or no baby, I want to tell her that I will respect her decision and if she wants to keep it, then I will step up.
But right now, the question is about their safety and their safety seems to be in the hands of my mother. Until I do something to ensure that, I can’t move forward. Whatever it is that Harlow wants from me, can’t be anything good and if push comes to shove, would I stick with my own mother even if she is a murderous mob-leader, or would I stay with someone who claims to be better than her, yet did nothing as she and her helpers killed that guy who shot me in the middle of a parking lot.
The bell chimes, signaling a person entering the bar and I swallow the remainder of my drink and wait.
“Holden?” I hear my mother’s concerned voice.
Her hand rests on my shoulder and I have to stop myself from wincing. “Baby, is everything okay?” she asks. The she turns to the bartender. “Take all of this away,” she takes out money from her purse and hands it to the bartender. “Thank you for calling me.”
“No problem,” the bartender says, and when I glare at him he shrugs his shoulders. “Sorry, kid. Just trying to help.”
“Fuck you,” I say, my gaze still fixed on him.
“Baby,” my mother says to me. “Let’s go.”
“I don’t want to go anywhere, mom.”
“Holden,” she says. “Get up.”
So I do.
I get off the counter and stumble and my mother helps me keep my balance as we get to the door and then step outside. The limo is standing right in front of me and the door is open. Mom lets the chauffeur help me inside, and gets in from the other side. I’ve never been one to remember the clothes my mother wears, but I can’t believe she’s wearing the same red coat she was wearing the day she shot Sean. I’m so angry I want to punch someone. But I put all of that anger into what I’m about to do next. I let a few tears fall and my mother slides closer to m
e and wipes them away. “Baby, what’s wrong?” she says. “Won’t you tell mommy?”
The tears are really falling hard this time and I’m not faking it.
“Jamie and I,” I say. “We broke up.”
“Oh baby,” she says, hugging me. “Is that why you’re so sad? Baby, there are much better, hotter, prettier girls in the world! Why’re you crying over her! Look at you,” she says, breaking off. “You’re handsome, you’re rich. You’ve got a future, everything to look forward to, Holden. You can’t let one girl change your life.”
“You’re right mom,” I say. “I’m never going to do that again.”
“Good boy,” she says. “Can I ask you what happened? Why you broke up?”
“She’s pregnant,” I say and pause for effect.
“Oh baby,” she says. “Is it even yours?”
“How the hell do I know?” I say. “I just know that I can’t handle that sort of thing.”
“So,” she says. “How is she…handling it then? Is she keeping it?”
“She’s getting rid of it,” I say. “I told her I’ll pay for everything and she agreed.”
The relief on my mother’s face cannot be faked. She’s really buying this, which means I’m as big of a liar as her.
I can use that to my advantage.
“Okay baby,” my mother says, smoothing down my hair. “Just make sure she gets rid of it.”
“I know Mom,” I say. “I don’t want some kid with my DNA running around! I told her she has to get rid of it.”
“What did she say?”
“She said she’ll do it, first thing tomorrow,” I say. “So, I’m going to need some cash.”
“Anything you want baby,” Mom says. “Anything you want.”
“Do you think I made the right decision?”
“Oh baby, of course! You’re being so mature about this,” she says. “I’m proud of you, baby. Daddy would have been proud of you, too.”