by Anna Sam
Do you have the gift of the gab like Graham Norton or Russell Brand? Give it a go but you must be sure you have the necessary talent, otherwise your next performance will be in front of a couple of police officers …
The arguing couple
While the checkout girl scans their items a sudden violent argument breaks out between husband and wife about why they have bought some products twice or the colour of the loo roll … The tension increases and they come to blows. The checkout girl doesn’t know what to do and looks at the floor. They use the opportunity to whisk through a rucksack full of shopping.
Forget this tactic. Most checkout girls today love domestics and won’t miss a moment – unless you go so far as to tear each other’s clothes off (but that technique might attract too much attention).
The secreter
This customer puts a blank CD in a box of Camembert, batteries inside packs of Coke cans, etc. All products which could be used to ‘cover’ others are well known by checkout girls. You’ll either need more imagination or you’ll need to come with a shopping bag with a false bottom. By the way you can also forget the ‘Oh, I didn’t see it!’ excuse when the checkout girl discovers the booty …
The outraged customer
This customer is going out with his shopping when the security alarm sounds. Immediately he cries, ‘It’s a scandal! … Unbelievable! … You can’t treat me like a thief when it’s daylight robbery in this supermaket! … The alarm must be broken, this happened last time too! … I’m never coming back here.’ The customer is hoping to intimidate the checkout girl or the security guard so they won’t ask to see his purchases and will just let him through, worn down by his shouting. Even if you can be really frightening, forget this tactic. It has been used to death.
The athlete
The athlete passes through the tills at the speed of light, a large item under his arm and takes everyone by surprise. You need to be extremely fit with a good knowledge of rugby tactics to avoid being flattened at the exit by the security guards.
The bar-code switcher
He will swap the bar code of the product he wants to buy for that of a cheaper product. Two drawbacks: today the labels with the bar codes are very difficult, almost impossible, to remove, and they break easily. And secondly, you are unlikely to get away with it. The checkout girl will notice if a pan costs the same as a packet of salt. Don’t take her for an idiot – it’s an error that could be your undoing.
Out of sight, out of mind
He queues like everyone else. The checkout girl thinks he’s a normal customer who is quietly waiting his turn. But suddenly he leaves the queue and makes a dash for the exit, his bag full of shopping under his arm. By the time the checkout girl can react and warn security he is already home free. He counts on the passivity of the crowd and the checkout girl’s weariness. Nice try, but it won’t work. This tactic requires the security guards also to be very tired or else absent altogether. So you have to choose your time carefully and watch out for the security guards’ break times. It can be a question of seconds.
I would also like to warn you about a final point: beware of other customers. Some are born to tell tales and won’t hesitate to betray you to a checkout girl or to management. Honestly, I promise. So be careful when you steal in the aisles (and hiding a pan under your jumper isn’t very discreet anyway!).
Some useful advice, I hope.
Good luck!
Supermarket raids? Don’t push it!
I’M THE BOSS!
Did you think that when you were on the till you were alone at the helm dealing with the customers? Wrong. You’re forgetting your boss – who has one eye looking out for you and one eye watching you.
But who is he or she? What do they do? What is their day like? And what is the best way for you to manage your boss?
There are nearly as many managers as checkout girls in supermarkets. Some will last a few days, others years. Each will have their own method, goals and principles.
The efficient boss
They have climbed the ladder, rung by rung, through hard work and they certainly deserve their place. They fully understand the workings of the store and know how to solve problems. They will be there to help if you have a problem.
Your till breaks down. You call your supervisor (naturally).
‘My till is stuck.’
‘I’m on my way,’ the efficient boss replies immediately.
Three and a half seconds later the door of the Office opens and your supervisor emerges with a telephone in one hand and a screwdriver in the other. ‘Good morning!’ he says with a big smile for the customer. ‘I’ll take care of this little problem, won’t take a second.’
Yes, managers like that do exist, I’ve actually met some!
The eternally dissatisfied boss
Fear not – you will also meet some moody ones. They don’t say hello. Want to try the same with your customers? (Oh, that’s right, you can’t, you’re not a boss.)
You will also come across the moaners. When it comes to the sensitive issue of cashing up, these are the bosses who harass you, adding to your stress. And they don’t see any more need to be helpful than they do to be nice.
‘My till is stuck. I can’t do anything.’
‘Again? Bloody tills! And bloody checkout girls who don’t look after their equipment,’ followed by an unintelligible grumble.
One of their minions will arrive a few minutes later to reboot the till. While you wait you should tell the customer a few jokes to keep the bad vibes emanating from the telephone from reaching the customer.
The God boss
This one only thinks about his career, his progress and his personal goals. He forgets that staff under his command still have rights. His weapon? Excessive communication. He writes hundreds of memos – on targets, turnover and performance. He spells everything out for you. You’ll almost feel involved in the running of the store – until your lovely boss reveals his predatory side.
If you say hello to the union representative and chat with him for a couple of minutes you can be sure that thirty seconds later the boss will ask you if you have a problem with authority …
If you need to change your hours because of a personal appointment you’d better agree to do overtime (unpaid and claimed back in lieu … six months later) the week before unless you want to attract the rage of the God boss.
And if you are unlucky enough to contest a truly unfair decision by the boss he will quickly call you to order with his unanswerable argument: ‘I’m the boss!’
You’ve learnt your lesson, I hope. Otherwise, punishment! No, not like at school where you take a note home for your parents and write out one hundred times, ‘I will never say no to my lovely boss again.’ It’s another kettle of fish here. The good news will arrive with your rota. You’ll have been given particularly horrible shifts (closing time every day, oh joy) or a change of post. Oh, so you fancy working on the customer service desk? Well, apparently you don’t smile enough so you won’t be going there.
The worst thing is that your boss will think that this punishment will be good for you. You think it will just cause more conflict. Obviously you don’t share his view of life (or the same goals) …
The boss who wants everyone to smile
This one relies on mystery shoppers. Customers who apparently report the good and especially the not-so-good behaviour of the cashiers (I told you that some customers are born to tell tales). And this boss is only trying to increase customer satisfaction. And his customers will be more satisfied if his checkout girls smile more. Is this your boss? Lucky you, because he will try to do his best for his employees, he will always be in a good mood (or nearly always) and might even lend you his support.
This is a rare species so if you have one, don’t let him go!
You should know though that your proven stupidity will force you systematically to appeal to your boss or his deputy for anything which is not explicitly part of your duties (you
won’t even be able to remove an item rung up in error on your own). And the surveillance cameras will always be on you. They will dissuade you from stealing a couple of pennies, catching a little nap, blowing your nose in a customer’s bread or picking your nose. And thanks to the latest modern tills your boss can follow your turnover in real time and ‘turn you off’ when he feels like it.
So you see how work makes you free …
YOUR CONVEYOR BELT: FRIEND OR FOE?
The conveyor belt: just another part of your till? Much more than that. It is your friend! It is the first contact with customers and can prove to be a formidable ally. It has a few tricks up its sleeve to take revenge on those who treat you badly.
With the customer in a hurry who keeps throwing you looks of exasperation (it’s your fault that the store is so busy) and who has emptied his trolley like he empties his bin, your conveyor belt (your friend) will jolt slightly. And splat, the box of eggs is on the floor and the bottle of wine falls and breaks and splashes his nice beige trousers. Hardly guaranteed to speed up the shopping process. And he’ll have to wait for the cleaning service to do their job. Poor thing (if you must smile, at least be discreet).
With the customer on the phone who completely ignores you when you help him pick up his change, which has fallen on the floor (not even a thank you), your friend the conveyor belt will eat the bank card he forgot to pick up (too busy talking on the phone). Your customer will have to wait at least twenty minutes to get it back. Oh, now he wants to talk to you!
With the child who won’t stop crying all the time his mother queues (that’s nearly fifteen minutes), who sticks his tongue out at you and throws his chocolate biscuit in your face, the belt will trap his fingers. Well, he shouldn’t have tried to stop it. It’s not a toy. He’ll cry even more loudly now, but at least this time you know why he’s crying.
With the customer who takes his sweet time, who doesn’t care that the store closed ten minutes ago (do you recognise him?) and who loads his shopping on item by item, the conveyor belt will speed up, resulting in disagreeably loud screeching noises. The noise will still be ringing in his ears even once he’s returned home.
But with the really nice customer who says good morning with a big smile and arranges his items from heaviest to lightest with the bar codes facing the scanner (wow!), the conveyor belt will be touched and let out a sweet purr. And everything will run smoothly.
Sometimes, however, the conveyor belt will let you down entirely – whether the customer is nice or not. It will change sides and support the customer. It will advance without stopping and unload all the items like a dumper truck. Impossible to stop it because it will do it so zealously that your only recourse will be the emergency stop button (the big red button which only works every so often). The items will be damaged and so will you. And don’t forget that the customer will hold you entirely responsible (well, of course!). You can settle the score with these ungrateful conveyor belts at the end of the day with the bleach cleaner (every small victory counts) …
You might also come across one which, fed up with turning for years and years, will stop for ever with a long and final rattle. A heart-rending cry will indicate that your friend has left you, letting you down in front of a tidal wave of products and customers who think the belt has only malfunctioned. They will cry, ‘This always happens to me!’ and push their items along with their hand, grousing and shouting at you because, of course, you are responsible for their misfortune. The conveyor belt will remain immobile though. Immovable. Inert.
You think I’m exaggerating? Just wait. In the end, some days your solitude and powerlessness in the face of disagreeable customers will be so great that the least relief, even a malfunctioning or capricious conveyor belt, will be welcome.
So, in the evening clean it with love and when you arrive in the morning give it a little pat. It will love you. And who knows, maybe one day it will eat a customer or the petulant section manager.
HOW TO HIDE YOUR FORTUNE
You will sometimes come across customers whose physique is the stuff of fantasy. And you will be surprised to find that you are imagining them naked, dreaming that you are massaging their feet (or possibly other parts of their anatomy). And then there will be others who you’d rather not think about but who will be generous enough to let you enjoy a glimpse of some very appetising parts of their body. They all have something in common: a terrible fear of being robbed, which makes them hide their cash somewhere warm about their person. Average age: any (there are paranoid people everywhere).
When the time comes to pay you will be lucky enough to get a close-up view of:
Mrs Jones’s ample, flaccid bosom and her grey bra (it must have been white once) where she has hidden her banknotes. All accompanied by a puff of eau de cologne or sherry (difficult to tell).
Mr Smith’s scrawny foot and holey sock where he hides his £50 notes. Drawback: an easily identifiable odour. Oh actually, maybe that’s from the smelly cheese he’s bought.
Mr Thomas’s rounded stomach. His little arms always find it very difficult to reach underneath his jumper to his shirt where he has hidden his money. And you can smell that he didn’t have time to take a shower today (or yesterday apparently).
You can’t see anything but you can hear Mrs Rogers: ‘Wait, I don’t have enough money, I’ll just nip to the loo.’ And when you see her a few minutes later, triumphant, with her notes in her hand you refrain from imagining anything. You are just happy to take the money from her fingertips.
Yes, yes, I know: you can’t be fussy about where your money comes from. Especially when you’re a checkout girl.
I’M PAYING
Paying for your shopping – an obligation that customers would avoid if they could. But, as you will have found out, customers make the checkout girl pay every day, each in their own way. Sometimes, you even start to ask yourself whether perhaps you are robbing the customers, given the black looks and insults they throw at you. So you might be surprised to learn that some actually fight to pay. Yes, you read that right. They fight.
The scene below actually happened.
Two friends come to my till to pay for a CD.
CHECKOUT GIRL
£19.99 please.
They both get their bank cards out at the same time.
FRIEND 1
Let me pay.
FRIEND 2
No, I should pay.
FRIEND 1
You paid for the meal yesterday.
FRIEND 2
Yes, but last week you did.
FRIEND 1
Yes, but you bought me the concert tickets.
FRIEND 2
That was a birthday present, it doesn’t count.
FRIEND 1
You gave me a DVD too.
FRIEND 2
Yes, but I’d promised to do that for ages.
FRIEND 1
I know but I’d promised to get it for you.
FRIEND 2
It doesn’t matter, last year you invited me over to yours more often.
The checkout girl is starting to feel dizzy. But it’s not over yet. Friend 1 takes advantage of Friend 2’s last reply to put her card into the machine. Friend 2 grabs her hand, the card falls out and Friend 2 puts in her own. Friend 1 jiggles it and manages to remove it but doesn’t have time to put her own back in. Friend 2 takes both her hands and stands in front of her. Friend 1 struggles violently and tries to reach the machine which … slides off its base, hits the till and falls on the floor. But it’s still not over. Friend 2 uses the confusion to put a £20 note in the checkout girl’s hand. Friend 1 is ready to tear her arm off to get it back.
CHECKOUT GIRL (unsteadily)
If you want to settle this, please do it outside. I don’t want there to be blood.
They burst out laughing. And Friend 1 lets Friend 2 pay.
I think this little story reveals a quirk in our society. Paying is apparently the only real proof of friendship between two best friend
s. And it’s often the same in love … I pay therefore I am.
Don’t hesitate to remind your customers of this. They’ll pay up more easily, you’ll see.
OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES
A child’s view of the world is full of insight, candour, poetry and tenderness … Your heart will leap when you hear this kind of thing:
Little Richard (aged seven) asks you, after watching your till closely, ‘Where’s your bed?’
Little Nicholas (aged nine): ‘Can you give me money too?’
Because he has seen you give his mother her change.
Little Julia (aged six): ‘Are you in prison?’
Because your till looks more like a rabbit hutch than a supermarket till.