by Neha Yazmin
Chapter 19: Atonement
She is my heart. She is a part of me. I can feel her. I try not to, obviously. But sometimes, when she feels any strong emotion, Ellie projects them on to me. It’s not projection, not really.
We’re just… bonded.
Now it occurs to me that the warm feeling that took me to the floor in the middle of my run, my chase of this elusive vampire Kristy, might actually be love blossoming in Ellie’s heart. Feelings so strong that I am sensing it all these miles away.
Sensing them as though they are my own.
Well, it wouldn’t be the first time her emotions have affected me. Her reverence of human life, her instinct to protect rather than prey on people, has changed the outlook I have on my own existence. The idea of taking another human life is one I cannot entertain for long, not without retching anyway.
Guilt over the thousands of lives I have taken dizzies me if I let myself wallow in it for long.
Only when I think about making up for my mistakes do I feel any form of release. Though I’m only atoning for my sins by refraining from killing humans, it makes me think I’m a step closer to absolution than I ever could have been if I didn’t have this link to Ellie.
Her refusal to hunt humans, her disgust of blood consumption, has filtered through to me also. The girl is so averse to our natural food source that the idea makes me feel sick too. So much so that I haven’t sipped a single drop of human blood since I fed on Ellie, not even when she gives in to her thirst and reluctantly feeds on hospitals’ donated supply.
Her hatred of this act, and of herself as she does it, is so intense that it reaches me through our unexplainable connection. I cringe with her as her sharp teeth pierce through the plastic bags and she sucks in the cold crimson liquid. We both shudder together afterwards.
That’s what she has done to me.
And I have no complaints. Honestly, I am better off living on animal blood instead, a trick I wish I could share with Ellie so she wouldn’t starve herself for weeks and suffer in the process of abstinence. She doesn’t deserve the pain, the burning that intensifies with each day she abstains. She doesn’t deserve the fate I have banished her to.
I will never forgive myself for damning her to immortality.
Slightly comforting is the fact that hers is the only mortal life I have claimed since I turned her into one of us, almost exactly 6 months ago. She will be the last human I kill, the last vampire I create.
The last vampire I love.
Love.
Is Ellie falling in love over in London? If she is still in London… As I’ve been trying not to utilise this direct link to her, the only time I become aware of her whereabouts, her mental state, is when she feels any strong emotion.
At first, it was impossible to block her out. So often would I be hit by the intensity with which she fumed over her mother, so many times would I feel elation as she practically stalked her biological father.
Quickly, Ellie learned not to let her anger and obsession taint her every thought, and I became more proficient in creating a blockade in our bond. These days, the only time she breaks through the barrier is when she grudgingly satiates her thirst.
It’s been weeks since she last fed, so I have no idea what she’s up to.
Something tells me she’s falling for someone she has only just met, perhaps just this morning. I would have sensed it if she had met him before today. If she was becoming close to someone over a prolonged period of time.
So, love at first sight? That would be so like Ellie! I sigh. It was bound to happen sooner or later, I just wasn’t expecting it to be so soon. For some unfathomable reason, I was secretly thinking – and if I’m really honest, hoping – that Ellie would love me.
Can I bring myself to feel happy for her? Can I trust that she has chosen someone worthy? What kind of immortal has managed to win the heart of the Slayer-turned-vampire?
Human.
Sitting up straight in a flash, I wonder why the word human enters my mind. Deep down, I think I know why, but I refuse to explore the discovery. Instead, I scan my immediate area and decide that there’s no point in continuing after Kristy. She must be long gone by now. Like so many times this week, I’ll have to start tracking her from scratch.
Not yet though. Right now, I just want to recuperate.
It’s peaceful here in the forest, the morning sun streaming through the greenery and making my skin sparkle. I watch the beams of light shatter off my hands. It’s strangely soothing, relaxing.
Ten minutes later, my skin has hardly warmed in the winter sunshine. Grudgingly, I urge myself to procrastinate no more and think those words. Ellie’s falling for a human. This is so like Ellie too. The girl sure can pick them! When she was human, she chose to run off with a vampire to get even with her mother.
As a vampire, she falls in love with a human.
It makes complete sense though. There is no way Ellie would love a fellow vampire, a monster, a demon, a killer. A blood drinker. She absolutely loathes what we are. She could never love another immortal.
She could never love me.
But there’s no way she could actually be with a human. She could kill him simply by kissing him, crush him whilst hugging him, and she would never be able to make love to him. The only reason it worked between us is because I have mastered the art of controlling my superior strength, and Ellie was incredibly strong for a human.
After all, she was the Slayer.
Besides, her human lover would eventually die. And she wouldn’t. She’d remain her perfect 17-year-old self and her man would leave her. Whenever a vampire falls for a human, he or she creates an immortal out of the object of their desires and they live happily ever after. Most of us mate for eternity. Ellie would never take that course of action though, not even if the man was ready and willing to exchange mortality for immortality.
So, she would love him forever and be alone for eons.
A dry smile curls my lips as I think how her fate will mirror mine exactly. But I don’t smile for long. An ache throbs in my heart, in that hole the Slayer’s blood left in me. I don’t like the idea of her being alone and heartbroken for so long.
This notion hurts more than the fact that she will never love me.
What pains me further is the knowledge that this is my fault. If she was still human, she could love anyone she wanted. Have the happy life she deserves. At least a good shot at it.
Not only did I take away her life, her destiny, I also took away her right to happiness.
Suddenly, I realise that I can fix this. Will she like it? No, but she can’t stop me from doing it anyway…
I can’t change her back to a human, but I can change her human love into a being that can be hers forever. I may be serving penance by depriving myself of human blood, by refraining from killing, but in doing right by Ellie would I truly be paying for my crimes. Yes, I had vowed never to take another life, never create another vampire, but I’ll be doing this for Ellie.
It can’t be a crime to give her happiness.
Looks like I’ve made my decision so I won’t justify it further. I will go to London and change the man she loves into one of us. Ellie might not approve of my actions, but she won’t be able to turn her back on her new mate.
One day, she’ll stop hating me for changing her. We live for so long that she might even stop hating me for killing the human in the man she loves. Will we live long enough for her to eventually feel grateful that I did what she wouldn’t have been able to? Perhaps not. But I don’t care.
I have to do this for her.