by Jenny Allen
There was a canopy set up in the middle of the graveyard with flood lights around it. It just seemed wrong, intrusive, like creating a bit of bright, abrasive sunlight in a dark place meant for private grieving. It was like they were insisting you be happy even though you should be anything but. There was already a crowd of people around the canopy, talking in hushed tones, clasping hands, embracing, sharing their condolences. She could feel it all from here and it made her skin crawl.
Lilith jumped as Chance slid his hand around hers. She closed her eyes, taking in a deep breath and tried to get a handle on things. She focused very clearly on not drawing on Chance’s strength. She just tried to take comfort in his presence.
“You’re gonna be ok.” Chance whispered against her ear and the warmth of his breath trickled through her ice cold body. She knew she was gripping his hand too tight, but he never complained. He just stood beside her, patiently, like some warm beacon of goodness.
They’d returned to New York several days ago, but she couldn’t really call the city home anymore. Everything was different. She’d taken off work until after the funeral. She just couldn’t handle trying to train some noobie on top of everything else right now. Lilith stared out at the gathering crowd and wished things had happened differently for the millionth time. “Gloria still won’t pick up the phone or call me back. I shouldn’t be here.”
The loss of her closest friendship was one more painful thing on a pile of painful things. All the death, betrayal, horrifying family secrets. Strangely, Chance was the one connection she had left, keeping her anchored to the real world. If she’d been asked a week ago if she’d ever be in a position to confide in Chance over her best friend or her father she would have just laughed, but that was the reality.
Speaking of reality, she finally really looked at Chance. It was the first time she’d seen him anything besides jeans and the black slacks, charcoal shirt and black tie definitely suit him. Under other circumstances she might have appreciated it a little more.
“Lilith, she’s mourning the loss of her husband. This isn’t your fault. None of it is your fault. She may want to lay the blame on you because she’s lost in grief and you’re convenient, but you remember where the blame belongs. Ashcroft’s smoking corpse and nowhere else.”
Lilith just nodded and looked down at her hand resting in his. This wasn’t the first time they’d had this conversation and there was no point in arguing. Logically, she knew he was right, but her heart still felt impossibly heavy. If she hadn’t hung up on her father… if she hadn’t lied to Alvarez…if she’d warned him…if she’d moved faster in the basement. But she hadn’t done any of those things and he was dead. The Ashcroft in her nightmare might not be real, but he was right. She’d let them all die. She couldn’t even bring his body back. All she could give Gloria and her children was an empty coffin and meaningless apologies.
“I shouldn’t be here, Chance.” Her skin felt hot and her vision was swimming. Chance grasped her shoulders and waited patiently for her to look at him.
“You have every right to be here.” His voice had the same ironclad determination that she often heard in her father’s voice. “He was your partner and a dear friend. You have every right to grieve for him, Lilith.”
“And if Gloria disagrees? What are you gonna do? Shoulder-check the widow?” She tried to pull on a humorous smile, but she just couldn’t.
He hugged her close and evaded the question. “Have you heard from Gregor?” Right from one painful subject to another. “Is he planning on being here?”
“I have no idea. Timothy is supposed to be picking him up at the airport as we speak. He decided to stay to help Cohen clear things up. All I know is that we are all in the clear and Cohen is getting a commendation.” The truth was she hadn’t returned his call. She just wasn’t ready to talk to her father yet. In fact, she suspected that Gregor was avoiding the turmoil of coming home more than helping Cohen.
Gregor had always been more than just her adoring father. He’d been her best friend, a central focal point of her life. He meant so much to her, but this new, terrifying image of her father was more than she could handle right now. He’d killed an entire family and tortured Ashcroft for days. No matter what his reasons, it was something she was having a very hard time coming to terms with.
As much as Ashcroft may have deserved it, his innocent relatives didn’t. The thought of some family hating her father the same way she hated Ashcroft just made her skin crawl. Beyond that, he lied about how her mother died, he kept secrets, and he sent her to Tennessee completely unprepared. That wasn’t the father she knew. Lilith just wasn’t ready. She needed more time to figure out what all this meant for their father-daughter relationship. It all just made her hate Ashcroft even more. He’d taken everything away from her, left her adrift with no oar to steer with. Chance squeezed her hand. Well maybe not completely without direction.
She looked up at Chance quizzically as a thought occurred to her, knocking her out of her melancholy. “Haven’t you heard from him?”
Chance flashed a quick smile that looked somewhat painful and slowly started ushering her toward the gravesite. “We’ve never been phone buddies that chit chat and swap gossip, Cher. Timothy called and told me to take a week off when I got back to town. I figured either Gregor felt I deserved a vacation or he was still pissed about me telling you the truth about things.”
Finally a subject change that she could work with. “Speaking of which, you still owe me that date and for the record, a funeral doesn’t really count.” She managed the joking tone and smile, but inside she was still fighting off the random emotions in the air, trying not to think about what would happen next.
“Oh I wasn’t assuming it would.” The teasing smile that curved his lips made her chuckle under her breath. He interlaced his fingers with hers and his face took on a more serious tone. “Look, I know this isn’t going to be easy even under normal circumstances.”
“Now that just might win the ‘Understatement of the Year’ award.” Lilith meant her tone to be light and jovial, but failed, miserably. She may joke about it, but the truth was she was more than grateful for him being here with her. Normal circumstances were out the window. Making it through the funeral without Cohen’s emotion-sucking blood would have been difficult enough. Of course, she was fully aware that Chance was also suffering from the same side effects, but he’d insisted on going with her.
Chance’s fingers squeezed around hers. “Well I thought you could use some dinner afterwards. I could cook a little something at my place. Just a little peace and quiet away from everyone else.” Before Lilith could say anything, Chance nervously changed the subject. She couldn’t tell if she was making him nervous or if it was the feel of sorrow in the air. “So, how exactly is a night funeral arranged? It doesn’t raise any eyebrows in the police department? I mean, a funeral in the evening isn’t exactly normal, especially for an officer that died in the line of duty.”
Lilith was grateful for the logical turn in the conversation. They were getting closer to the crowd of people and she could already hear the tears. In fact, the grief was so thick in the air she could almost taste it. She needed the distraction. “True. It’s never exactly easy or painless. Having stipulations in your last will and testament definitely help. Honestly though, claiming religious reasons, like requesting an evening mass service in a Catholic church with the burial directly after, is the safest bet. People are far too concerned with offending others to object. I suppose that’s one plus side to the age of being politically correct.”
“An evening mass? Isn’t that just for Christmas and other major holidays? I mean that’s not exactly a normal service either is it?” They’d skipped the Catholic mass. It wasn’t that she didn’t respect their religious beliefs, but Gloria had limited the mass to family only. Over half of their children had flown in for the service, which was a considerable amount. Gloria and Alvarez had been together for centuries. They had over 50 childre
n and hundreds of grandchildren. That can be hard to explain to a roomful of friends. So in her efficient fashion, Gloria limited the Midnight Mass to family and the burial to friends and coworkers.
“True, but Gloria and Alvarez have been making sizeable donations to the same church for about thirty years now in the Alvarez family name. Money can accomplish anything in a Catholic church. Hell, for the right amount you can buy your ancestor’s way out of purgatory.”
“You know, I saw a great bumper sticker once. It said ‘If money is the root of all evil, then why does the church want so much of it?’ Never really seemed right to me.”
Lilith chuckled quietly under her breath. “You and me both. It’s just men wanting money, same as everyone else. You shouldn’t be trying to make me laugh at a funeral though.”
Chance smiled briefly before the flood of grief really hit them. “So…” Chance glanced over at her with a nervous look. “How have you been feeling…since Tennessee?”
Lilith knew exactly what he meant without him elaborating. He meant had she experienced any new side effects from Cohen’s incubus blood. There hadn’t been any new surprises. She could still sense everyone’s emotions, she still healed a lot faster and it didn’t seem to be wearing off. “I’m more interested in how you’re feeling.”
Chance stopped and stared at her for a few minutes with an expectant look. When it became obvious that she wasn’t going to answer his question, he shrugged. “I still feel like emotional fly paper. It’s rather distracting and more than a little unnerving but I’m managing. Besides that I feel stronger and healthier than ever.” She could hear the strain in his voice. Hell, she could feel it strumming along his skin. This was going to be harder than she’d expected.
An awkward silence followed Lilith’s reluctant nod. There were so many things racing through her mind along with the flood of emotions from fifty or so people. She was worried, worried that there would be some horrible consequence for the two of them escaping death. Some overpaid, stuffy psychiatrist would probably call it survivor’s guilt.
“Just breathe.” Chance’s voice filled her warmth and made the impossible seem less ominous.
There were eyes on them now. Most of them were filled with camaraderie, the shared grief of a coworker, a cop, dying in the line of duty. A few were curious about Chance’s presence, especially since Lilith had a death-grip on his hand. The crowd parted around them as they approached the grave. She was Alvarez’s partner and in the cops’ eyes, that put her right up there with the widow. Unfortunately, Lilith had the feeling that she was the last person Gloria wanted to see.
Chapter 27
Lilith took a deep breath and began the walk up to the grave. Thankfully, she still had a death grip on Chance’s hand because it felt like she was in an emotional wind tunnel. Her own dread infected the onslaught of various emotions bombarding her resulting in a painful knot in her stomach that nearly doubled her over. She struggled with each step as her eyes dropped to the ground. Not looking them in the eye seemed to help somehow. Then she hit a wall of pure anger that left her bones rattling. Lilith took a deep breath, steeling herself and met the eyes of Alvarez’s grieving widow, Gloria.
She remembered how warm those brown eyes were when they chatted every Sunday over coffee. She remembered the dozens of dinners and birthday parties. Hell, she’d been there for the girl’s confirmation ceremonies. There was no trace of any of it on Gloria’s face now. She stood there in a long black dress, a black veil covering her tear-streaked face. There was a sense of regalness to her posture that modern people just didn’t seem to have anymore.
Lilith wanted to slink away under her stare, but she owed Gloria, Alvarez and their family more than that. After all she’d been through, all she’d lived through, she couldn’t run scared now. The very thought that she somehow found her best friend more terrifying than Ashcroft said a lot about how much she valued her emotional connections right now, the few she had left anyway.
“Gloria, words can’t express how sorry I am...” Lilith kept her voice even, just barely. She was right. Even those words seemed like telling a stage 4 cancer patient that Neosporin works wonders. For a terrible moment Gloria didn’t even move. She didn’t blink or even breathe. Lilith held her breath, waiting for the inevitable. There was still some tiny glimmer of hope that Gloria would just hug her and start crying, that they could share the grief, but that hope faded with every passing second of silence.
Gloria pushed her veil back without saying a word. Her mascara ran in streaks down her face. There was so much pain. It made Lilith feel light-headed and shaky. So much pain. It was so thick in the air that it coated her tongue. Cohen said some of his people went to funerals to feed. How could they even stand the taste not to mention the moral bankruptcy of feeding off someone else’s sorrow?
Lilith wanted to comfort her friend, but she somehow knew even touching Gloria right now would be a mistake. The faint hope she’d had was truly dead now. Gloria wasn’t interested in sharing anything but pain. The awkward silence stretched out, catching everyone’s attention. Soon, every eye was on them and Lilith wanted desperately to hide somewhere, anywhere. She hated attention under normal circumstances and these were definitely not normal circumstances.
“You.” The one word held so much venom that Lilith physically felt sick. Gloria’s lips curled into a snarl, her Spanish accent thicker than she’d ever heard it. “You have no right!”
Lilith flinched at the poisonous words, mostly because they echoed her internal feelings. How was she supposed to defend herself? “Gloria…I never…” The words just died in her throat. Anything she could say just seemed insignificant.
Gloria’s face twisted in pure sadness, her deep brown eyes blinking back tears. “We trusted you. Philippe trusted you. You were part of mi familia.” She clutched a handkerchief to her chest, tears choking off her words. One of the officers moved quickly to keep her steady on her feet. Gloria wiped at her face before she continued. That warm face, with large chocolate brown eyes, eyelashes that most models would kill for and flawless golden skin, just contorted in pain so intense that she was almost unrecognizable. “Philippe called me. He told me why he was there.”
Anger pushed past her overwhelming grief. “You would not listen to your father. You would not leave that place. You condemned my Philippe to die because you would not come home.” Gloria pulled herself up tall and shook off the officer trying to help her. She squared her jaw and slapped Lilith across the face. The physical pain was nothing compared to the emotional whiplash.
Chance pulled Lilith back and tucked her behind him. “I understand how you feel. You’ve suffered a loss greater than anyone here could imagine. Now, Lilith may be willing to let you punish her for Detective Alvarez’s death, but it is not her burden to bear. You are not going to make her into your convenient villain.” His voice was the perfect blend of calm restraint and forcefulness and for a moment, Gloria didn’t know how to react.
“Chance don’t…” Lilith tried to move past him but he kept her firmly behind him.
Gloria’s eyes finally hardened on Chance. “I do not know you. You know nothing of my husband or my family. Do not pretend to…”
Chance cut her off. “With all due respect, you have no idea who I am or what happened in Tennessee. I was there when Philippe died and I have known him for years, since I am the head of Gregor’s security. I was also there the times Lilith was seconds from death herself. She could have run away at any time. She could have left us all to die and saved herself. She came back EVERY time, every single time, and fought with everything she had because she wouldn’t leave anyone behind to die!”
Gloria’s eyes flickered from Chance to Lilith for just a second, but in that moment Lilith saw the doubt and concern in Gloria’s face. Then it was gone and the anger started to leak back in. “Chance…” Lilith grabbed his arm, but he looked back at her with a firm look, silently telling her to let him do this. He was making her out to be some
kind of hero. She wasn’t some noble knight on a white horse. She was just trying to survive. She didn’t like it, but there seemed to be no point arguing with Chance so she silently leaned against his back, trying to block out all the tumultuous emotions crawling over her skin.
Chance turned back to Gloria to finish what he had to say. “You have no right to blame this on Lilith.” He edged closer to Gloria which surprised her, and lowered her voice. “If she had followed Gregor’s orders, if she had come home when he told her to, the monster that killed your husband would have come here to finish his work. He wouldn’t have stopped with Gregor, Lilith or even me. Philippe would still be dead and you and your daughters would have joined him. Alvarez knew this. He sacrificed himself to ensure that we could end it and keep you and your family safe. It’s a miracle that any of us are alive. Mourn your husband, but be grateful and honor his sacrifice. Don’t tarnish it by making her the villain. He certainly wouldn’t want you throwing stones at his partner like she’s a pariah for surviving.”
Gloria’s face was a mask of surprise and confusion. Chance didn’t give her a single moment to recover. With anger rolling off him in dizzying waves, he turned, grabbed Lilith’s arm and marched back toward the sea of black cars. Lilith looked back to see everyone staring at them in confusion. Gloria caught her eyes and for a moment she seemed softer. Then she pulled her veil down over her tear streaked face and pulled her daughters tight against her.
Maybe one day Gloria would forgive her. Chance may have been harsh but his words hadn’t gotten through to just Gloria. He was right about some of it. If she had left, Ashcroft would have come to New York eventually and destroyed anything and everything they loved. Lilith still felt guilty, but some of the weight was lifted. She just needed to give Gloria time. Hell, she needed to give herself some time too. Maybe there was still some hope.