Her eyes rose to his face and her breath caught when she saw the expression it held. There was an awareness there that she understood only too well, but it was tinged with something else, something that made her blood heat. All of a sudden she knew that she hadn’t imagined what had happened before. Matt had wanted her then and he wanted her now, wanted her in every way a man could want a woman. Finally seeing the proof of that broke down the barriers she had erected around herself to guard against making any mistakes.
She reached up towards him but he was already bending down to her so that they met halfway. Rachel felt heat envelop her when their mouths met and she gasped, heard him gasp as well. The kiss could have lasted no longer than a second but she was trembling when they drew apart and could see that Matt was trembling too. Maybe they hadn’t planned on this happening but it was what they both desperately needed.
Matt looked at her for a long moment, his eyes grazing over her face before they came to rest on her mouth. ‘If you want me to stop, you only have to say so,’ he said, his voice grating in the quiet of the room.
Rachel took a quick little breath but her own voice sounded equally ragged when it emerged. ‘I don’t want you to stop, though. Really I don’t.’
He was reaching for her before she had finished speaking but she didn’t care. When he sat down on the bed and drew her into his arms, she went willingly, letting the soft curves of her body nestle against the hard contours of his. He held her close against him while he trailed fiery little kisses over her eyes, her nose, the line of her jaw, so that she was dizzy with need by the time he claimed her mouth again.
Rachel clung to him as she kissed him back, making no attempt to hide the hunger she felt. She wanted this so much, wanted Matt to kiss her, hold her, make love to her. When his hands went to the buttons on the borrowed pyjamas she wore, she helped him, working them free until the top fell open. She heard him take a shuddering breath as his hands went to the edges of the fabric. She could tell that he was struggling for control as he parted the jacket, and shivered. That Matt should want her this much was more than she had dared hope for.
‘You’re beautiful, Rachel, so very, very beautiful.’
His tone was reverent as he studied her lush curves. When he reached out and gently cupped her breasts in the palms of his hands, she closed her eyes and gave herself up to the sensations that were flooding through her. She had made love before but not once had she felt this way, filled with passion, overwhelmed by need. Making love with Matt was very different to anything she had experienced before.
He stroked and caressed her breasts until she could barely contain the desire that was building inside her. When he bent and placed his mouth over her nipple, she cried out. He drew back, his eyes intent as he searched her face and what he saw there obviously reassured him because he bent and kissed her other breast, drawing the rigid nipple into his mouth and suckling her.
Rachel gasped as a rush of desire flowed through her. Burying her fingers in his hair, she held his head against her, whimpering softly as he continued to lavish attention on her breasts before letting his mouth glide down her body. He kissed her waist, encircling her ribs with nibbling little kisses that made her twist and writhe with unbearable pleasure. Then when his tongue found her navel and dipped in and out, she groaned. Nothing had prepared her for how Matt made her feel.
His mouth retraced its route, stopping frequently to scatter more kisses over her body until Rachel could barely think. When he drew back and stood up, she could only murmur in protest, but he shook his head.
‘I’m not going anywhere, Rachel. Not unless you tell me to.’
‘I don’t want you to go,’ she said huskily.
‘Good.’ He dropped another deliciously sexy kiss on her mouth then stripped off her pyjama pants and his own clothes as well. Rachel just had a moment to marvel at the power and beauty of his aroused body before he lay down beside her and took her in his arms, holding her so close that she could feel his erection pressing against her.
‘You can still say no, Rachel,’ he whispered, his breath warm and sweet on her cheek. ‘If this isn’t what you want, we can stop right now.’
‘It is what I want, though.’ She looked deep into his eyes so there would be no mistake. ‘I already told you that, Matt, and I meant it.’
‘It’s what I want as well.’
His voice throbbed with need and she shuddered when she heard the hunger it held. Opening her arms, she welcomed him into her embrace, her body suffused with desire when he entered her in one swift, breath-taking thrust. They made love with a desperation that spoke volumes, then made love a second time with a pure unbridled joy that brought tears to both their eyes.
Rachel knew that she had never shared this kind of closeness with anyone before and never would. It was only with Matt that she felt secure enough to give herself so completely, to shed all the restraints and allow herself to feel each and every emotion. She trusted Matt and that made all the difference. For the first time in her life she felt safe, secure, wanted, although she shied away from the one word that would have made the experience perfect. Until she knew how Matt truly felt, she couldn’t claim that she felt loved.
Day came slowly, the darkness gradually fading as dawn crept in. Matt was already awake and had been awake for hours. He had been too keyed up to sleep and had spent the night listening to the sound of Rachel’s breathing as she had lain beside him. Now, as he studied the delicate beauty of her profile, he was assailed by doubts. Had he made a mistake by sleeping with her?
Last night he had been caught up in the throes of a kind of madness, his body demanding the release that only making love to her could give him. Now he’d had time to think and panic was setting in. He may have sated his hunger but at what cost? He would never forgive himself if he hurt Rachel, yet he was aware of how easy it would be to do so. After all, what could he offer her? One night of passion wasn’t enough, but he wasn’t able to offer her anything more. Not yet.
He rolled onto his back, feeling the emotions welling up inside him. Guilt and joy, sadness and elation were all mixed up together so that it was hard to know how he really felt. Had he betrayed Claire’s memory by making love to another woman?
Guilt swamped him even though his head rejected the idea, insisted that he had nothing to feel guilty about, that it was time he moved on and lived his life in the present instead of the past. However, it wasn’t the only issue, was it? There was Heather—how would she feel if she found out? Would she be upset that he had slept with another woman, especially when that woman was Ross’s mother? He knew that Heather liked Rachel but that wasn’t the point. By sleeping with Rachel, he may have made the situation even more difficult for his daughter. The thought made him feel even worse.
‘Don’t.’
Matt jumped when Rachel suddenly spoke. Rolling onto his side, he felt the maelstrom of emotions inside him shift once more when he saw the sadness on her face. Obviously, she had guessed that he had doubts about what they had done and it grieved him to know that he was hurting her this way.
‘I’m sorry.’ He ran the tip of his finger down her cheek in gentle apology, feeling the tremor that started in the pit of his stomach when he discovered all over again how wonderfully soft her skin felt. He may have caressed every inch of her beautiful body just hours before, but touching her now, it felt like the very first time. His breath caught as he was forced to acknowledge the truth: he may have doubts about what they had done but he still wanted her. That hadn’t changed.
‘We didn’t do anything wrong, Matt,’ she said quietly, her eyes holding his. ‘We’re both free agents, so don’t beat yourself up about last night. It’s over and done with, and now we can forget all about it.’
Was that what she wanted? he wondered in gut-wrenching dismay. To forget what they had shared and how magical it had been? He searched her face but could find nothing there to make him think that she hadn’t meant it. Rachel wanted to put the episode
behind her and whilst he doubted if he could do that, if it was what she wanted then at the very least he had to try.
‘If that’s what you want, it’s fine by me,’ he said flatly, loath to admit how much it hurt him to comply. Last night had been a turning point in his life even though he wasn’t sure if it had been a turn for the better. However, evidently it hadn’t been the same for her.
Pain lanced through him and he tossed back the quilt, afraid that his feelings would become only too apparent if he remained there. ‘I’d better go and have a shower. Breakfast in ten minutes. OK?’
‘Fine.’
She gave him a quick smile but Matt didn’t linger. There was no reason to when she had made it clear that last night had been a one-off and there wasn’t going to be a repeat. The thought accompanied him back to his room, stayed with him while he showered, like a black cloud hovering over his head. He knew it was going to take time before he shrugged off the feeling of rejection and cursed his own stupidity.
He wasn’t a teenager, for heaven’s sake! He was a grown man and he’d had relationships before he had married. Granted, he’d not had any since Claire had died, but it had been his choice to remain celibate, just as it had been his choice to sleep with Rachel. Now he had to do as she had requested and put it behind him. It shouldn’t be that difficult. One night of passion wasn’t going to completely alter the course of his life. Maybe it had seemed like a milestone because it had been the first time he had slept with anyone in years, but it wouldn’t be the last time. Now he had taken that first step, it would be easier the next time.
He went into the kitchen and plugged in the kettle, closing his mind to the thought that he couldn’t imagine wanting any woman the way he had wanted Rachel. That was nonsense, complete and utter nonsense. It wasn’t as though he was in love with Rachel, was it?
CHAPTER NINE
A WEEK passed, the longest week of Rachel’s life. Although Matt was unfailingly polite whenever they spoke, he never made any reference to what had happened that night. Whilst she didn’t regret sleeping with him, she did regret the fact that it had caused him so much heartache. The memory of how distraught he had looked the following morning would haunt her for a long time to come.
In an effort to minimise the stress it had caused for both of them, she avoided being alone with him as much as possible. Fortunately, her knee had healed and apart from the odd twinge, it didn’t cause her any major problems. She applied herself to her job with a diligence that allowed little time for anything else. At least while she was working it stopped her thinking about Matt.
There was a team meeting scheduled for the Monday afternoon. They tried to hold a meeting most weeks, although sometimes pressure of work made it impossible. However, Matt was adamant that he wanted the meeting to go ahead that day so as soon as she had finished her lunch, Rachel made her way to the staffroom. Ross was already there, sitting beside Gemma Craven, one of their practice nurses. Pam Whiteside, the other nurse, arrived a few seconds later accompanied by two members of the reception staff, Carol Walters and Beverley Humphreys.
‘I’ve left Dianne manning the phone,’ Carol explained, hurrying over to her. ‘It’s been bedlam this morning and if someone doesn’t stay behind to answer it, we’ll be running backwards and forwards. I’ll fill her in later if that’s all right?’
‘Fine by me,’ Rachel agreed, glancing round when Fraser Kennedy, their locum, came to join them.
‘I can’t stay long as I’m on call this afternoon. I thought I’d take Hannah with me if you don’t need her,’ he added, referring to their new trainee GP, Hannah Jeffries. ‘She’s not been out to any house calls yet and it will be good experience for her.’
‘Good idea,’ someone said behind them, and Rachel felt her heart lurch when she recognised Matt’s deep voice.
She hurriedly took her seat, doing her best to calm down. The others would soon realise there was something wrong if she didn’t get a grip of herself. The thought of everyone in the surgery finding out what had happened steadied her and by the time Matt opened the meeting, she felt more in control.
‘I know everyone’s got a busy afternoon ahead so I won’t waste time,’ he said, glancing around. His gaze skimmed over Rachel before it moved on and she wasn’t sure if she felt vexed or pleased by his indifference. While she had been torturing herself with guilt, it appeared that Matt had put the episode behind him.
‘We’ve discovered that the locum who worked here before Fraser didn’t order various tests to be carried out,’ Matt informed them bluntly. ‘It means that a number of patients will need to be recalled.’
A shocked murmur ran around the room as the staff exchanged horrified looks. This kind of situation was unprecedented.
‘You’re not serious!’ Rachel exclaimed, voicing everyone’s dismay.
‘I’m afraid I am.’
This time his gaze landed squarely on her and remained there. Rachel felt heat course through her veins when she saw the glimmer of some emotion in his eyes. Maybe Matt wasn’t as indifferent to her as he was pretending? The thought caused such turmoil inside her that she had to force herself to concentrate as he continued.
‘Ross and Gemma went through the files over the weekend and pulled out any that will need to be followed up. I had a look at them this morning and from what I’ve seen, it’s imperative that we get people back in here as soon as we can.’
‘What kind of tests are we talking about?’ Rachel demanded, knowing that she couldn’t afford to let herself be sidetracked. It had been difficult enough to carry on knowing that Matt regretted what they had done, but it would be impossible if she allowed herself to think that he had changed his mind.
‘A whole range of things,’ Ross answered. ‘There’s one patient who was diagnosed with fibroadenosis but she wasn’t sent for a mammogram to rule out the possibility of it being breast cancer. Then there’s another who has angina but no blood tests were ordered. We have no idea if his angina is linked to anaemia or possibly an over-production of thyroid hormones.’
‘But that’s unforgivable!’ Fraser exploded. ‘Those tests are purely routine, so why on earth didn’t the fellow make sure they were done?’
‘Probably because he couldn’t be bothered completing the paperwork.’ Matt’s tone was harsh. ‘I’m sure those of us who worked with him remember how he was always bragging that he could get through his lists faster than anyone else could do. Little wonder when he was doing only half the job.’
Dianne poked her head round the door just then to tell Ross there was a phone call for him in Reception and he excused himself. Fraser announced that he and Hannah would have to leave too and followed him out. Matt explained to the others that he would let everyone know how he intended to handle the recalls and the meeting broke up, but Rachel didn’t leave with the others. She could tell how worried Matt was about this development and couldn’t bear to leave him to deal with the problem by himself.
‘How many people will we need to recall, do you know?’ she asked.
‘At the moment it stands at just over three dozen, although I’ll go through the case notes again in case anyone’s been missed out.’
‘Do you really need to do that?’ she protested. ‘If Ross and Gemma have checked the files then I can’t see that they’ll have overlooked anyone.’
‘Probably not, but at the end of the day I’m responsible for the patients who are registered with this practice so it’s down to me to make sure that everyone who needs to be recalled is seen.’
Rachel sighed. ‘I’ve said this before, Matt, but you can’t be responsible for every single thing that happens here. It’s too much for anyone, including you.’
‘That may be so, but it doesn’t alter the fact that ultimately I’m to blame if things go wrong.’ He shrugged. ‘Anyway, I prefer to do the job myself. That way I’m not disappointed if other people don’t come up to my expectations.’
‘I used to think like that, too, was always afraid of
being let down. But sometimes you have to take a risk and trust people.’ Rachel could hear the plea in her voice. They may have been discussing the running of the surgery but she was aware that their comments could apply to more than their work. If Matt would take a risk in his private life, she thought sadly, his life could be very different.
The realisation that she would probably never be a part of his life even if he did so was too hard to bear. Rachel excused herself and left, feeling a sense of loss welling up inside her. That night they had spent together had made her long for more, more nights and days too. The truth was that she wanted Matt in her life week in and week out, year after year, and the thought brought a rush of tears to her eyes because it was unlikely to happen. Matt may have enjoyed making love to her but he didn’t want her to play a permanent role in his future. He couldn’t do when he so obviously regretted what had gone on.
Rachel went back to her room, forcing down the tide of emotions that threatened to engulf her. She wouldn’t cry, not now, not here. Here in the surgery she had a role to fulfil and she would do it to the best of her ability. She wasn’t a woman with a bruised and battered heart but a doctor who had patients who relied on her.
It was something to cling to, what gave her life purpose even though it was no longer enough to fill it the way it had done in the past. Now that she knew how good it felt to love someone, she longed for more, but if it wasn’t to be, she had to accept that. She certainly couldn’t make Matt love her in return and wouldn’t try. For love to mean anything it had to be true to itself—it couldn’t be forced or coerced.
Matt understood that because he had loved his late wife. Maybe one day he would reach a point where he could move on, but it wouldn’t be her, Rachel Mackenzie, he gave his heart to. It would be some other woman who reaped that reward.
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