Had it been their ill-fated affair that had pushed her into making the move? he wondered bitterly, then hurriedly blanked out the answer. He didn’t want to know if he was responsible for driving her away.
‘Leaving?’
‘Yes.’ Rachel summoned a smile but it wasn’t easy when she felt so devastated inside. ‘I know it’s probably come as a shock to you, darling…’
‘Too damned right it has!’ Ross slumped down onto a chair and stared at her in bewilderment. ‘Why on earth do you want to leave? I thought you loved it here in Dalverston.’
‘I do…I mean, I did, but recently I’ve had the feeling that I’m stuck in a bit of a rut.’ She perched on the edge of the sofa, willing her son to accept her explanation without probing too deeply. The last thing she wanted was Ross discovering the truth at this stage, although he would have to know at some point.
‘This hasn’t anything to do with Matt, has it? You two haven’t…well, fallen out?’
‘What do you mean?’ she asked in surprise, flushing when Ross gave her a speaking look.
‘There’s no point denying it, Mum. It was obvious that you two were an item at Christmas.’
‘I…um…was it?’
‘Yes, and before you ask, I was delighted for you both.’ He leant forward. ‘It’s about time the pair of you thought about yourselves for a change. I really like Matt and to my mind you two are ideally suited. If something has happened, are you sure you can’t work it out between you?’
‘I’m afraid not. That’s one of the reasons why I’ve decided I need to make some changes to my life, although it’s not the only reason.’ For a moment she was tempted to tell him about the baby but it would be wrong to tell Ross before she told Matt and then expect him to keep her secret. She hurried on, trying to put a positive spin on her plans.
‘I’m not getting any younger, Ross, and if I don’t make the move now then I’ll never do it. I don’t want to end up regretting it in a few years’ time.’
‘Is that the truth?’ Ross demanded.
Rachel felt herself colour when she heard the scepticism in his voice even though it was true in a way. If she stayed in Dalverston she could cause untold problems for Matt and that was something she would regret bitterly for the rest of her life. ‘Yes. Of course it’s true!’ she exclaimed with, hopefully, a convincing amount of indignation. ‘Do you really think I would lie to you?’
‘Sorry, of course you wouldn’t.’ Ross sighed. ‘It’s just that I can’t bear to think that you’re leaving because of some sort of silly misunderstanding that could very well be cleared up.’
‘I’m not. I’ve thought long and hard about this decision and I know it’s the right thing to do.’ She quickly changed the subject, afraid that she would let something slip if Ross kept pushing her. ‘Anyway, enough about me. How are you and Gemma getting on?’
‘Great! I never thought I’d feel like this about anyone. I’m head over heels in love with her.’
‘I’m so happy for you, Ross,’ Rachel said sincerely.
‘Are you? I was afraid you’d think it was too soon after what happened with Heather…’ He stopped abruptly, looking deeply concerned. ‘I hope it wasn’t that which caused you and Matt to split up? I’ve no idea how he feels about me and Gemma seeing each other because he’s never said anything to me. But it can’t be easy for him to accept that I’ve met someone else so soon. I do hope I haven’t caused a rift between you two.’
‘You haven’t,’ she said firmly. ‘I can say with my hand on my heart that me breaking up with Matt had nothing whatsoever to do with you, darling.’
‘Thanks heavens for that!’ Ross laughed ruefully. ‘I’d hate to think that I had caused you a whole load of grief at my age.’
‘You have never caused me any problems at any age,’ she told him truthfully. ‘Having you was the best thing that ever happened to me, darling. Believe me, it’s true.’
‘And you are the best mother in the world.’
Ross stood up and hugged her. He seemed a lot happier after that, eager to hear about the plans she had made. Rachel told him what she could, carefully avoiding any outright lies. She would tell him about the baby once all the tests had been done and everything was clear. How he would take the news was open to question but she would deal with that when it arose.
Ross left a short time later, promising to do all he could to help make the move as stress-free as possible for her. Rachel locked up and went upstairs to bed, wishing with all her heart it was as simple as that. Leaving her home and her job would have been stressful enough but factor in all the rest—Matt and the baby—and the stress factor achieved whole new levels. However, she would cope because she had to. She would cope because it was the right thing to do. She wouldn’t trap Matt into a situation he wouldn’t welcome, although she couldn’t help thinking wistfully how different things might have been if they had been truly committed to one another when she had found out she was pregnant. They could have had something to celebrate then.
Matt felt as though he was caught up in some terrible nightmare. Every day that passed brought the day when Rachel might leave ever closer and he had no idea how he was going to cope when it happened. What made it worse was that she was so distant with him, confining any contact they had to strictly work-related matters. After their recent closeness, he felt her withdrawal all the more keenly and couldn’t understand it.
Why had she changed her mind about him so suddenly? One minute she had seemed as blissfully happy as he had been and the next she hadn’t wanted anything to do with him. The more he thought about it the stranger it appeared and he knew that he wouldn’t rest until he found out what had gone wrong. It was having the opportunity to ask her that was the problem. There was no time to discuss it at work—she made sure they were never together long enough to give him the opportunity. As for going to see her after work, he knew it would be a waste of time—she would probably refuse to speak to him. No, he needed to find a time and a place when she couldn’t avoid him.
He finally got his chance one evening. Carol had organised a fortieth birthday ‘do’ after work—dinner and drinks at a local pub—for Dianne, the newest member of their reception team. Matt had no intention of going when it was first mentioned to him. Quite frankly, the last thing he felt like doing was celebrating, so he made an excuse. However, when he discovered on the day that Rachel was going, he changed his mind. It could be his one and only chance to talk to her. After all, she could hardly ignore him with everyone there watching them.
Carol was standing at the bar when he arrived that night. She smiled in delight when she saw him coming in. ‘Oh, wonderful, you’ve decided to come after all.’ She pointed towards the far side of the room. ‘We’ve managed to grab ourselves a table over there. What do you want to drink? I’m just about to order.’
‘Oh, just a bottle of beer for me, please.’ He took out his wallet and handed her several twenty-pound notes. ‘Here, use this.’
Carol whistled. ‘That’s very generous of you, Matt. I’m doubly glad you managed to get here now!’
Matt laughed dutifully then made his way across the room, replying automatically to the friendly greetings that met him. Rachel was sitting in the corner and he frowned when he saw how pale and drawn she looked. She smiled politely as he pulled out a chair, but he could see the alarm in her eyes and knew that he was the last person she’d expected to see. ‘Hello, Matt. I didn’t know you were coming.’
‘I wasn’t planning to, but I changed my mind at the last minute.’ He leant forward, subjecting her to a searching look. ‘Are you sure you should be here, though? You look worn out.’
His eyes held hers fast although he had no idea what she could see on his face at that moment. All of a sudden he didn’t give a damn either. This might be his only chance to sort out this mess and he refused to waste it by pretending he didn’t care.
He did care, he cared a lot, loved her too, and only wished he could tell her th
at. The fact that she was unlikely to welcome such an admission was incidental. It didn’t stop him feeling how he did. He loved her more than life itself and if there was any way to make her understand that she was wrong to leave him then, by heaven, he’d find it.
‘It…it’s been rather hectic in work lately, hasn’t it? I expect that’s why I’m looking so tired.’
Rachel could feel her heart pounding as she looked away from Matt’s probing gaze. She had only agreed to come because Carol had told her that Matt wouldn’t be there, so it had been a shock to see him coming into the pub. She cast him a wary look from under her eyelashes and felt her breath catch when she discovered that he was still watching her. She had no idea what was going on but the expression on his face stunned her. Why was he looking at her as though he genuinely cared?
‘Okey-dokey, folks, it’s drinkie time! Here you go, Rachel. A nice big G&T to perk you up and put some colour in your cheeks.’
Carol came back with a loaded tray and plonked a glass down in front of her. She held up her hand when Rachel opened her mouth to protest it wasn’t what she had ordered. ‘Forget it. There is no way that you’re having orange juice tonight. We’re here to celebrate Dianne’s birthday and you need a proper drink to do that!’
Rachel summoned a smile when everyone cheered, but she could have done without this. She couldn’t drink alcohol in her condition, although how she could avoid it without causing a fuss was another matter. Picking up the glass, she pretended to take a sip. ‘Mmm, that’s delicious.’
‘Good. Get it down you, then. There’s plenty more where that came from, courtesy of our beloved leader.’
Carol looked pointedly at Matt and Rachel realised that with typical generosity he must have paid for their drinks. Once everyone had a glass in front of them, Fraser stood up and proposed a toast.
‘To Dianne and the next forty years. May they be filled with health, wealth and happiness.’
Everyone raised their glasses aloft. Rachel went to pick up her drink and gasped when the glass suddenly flew across the table. Gin and tonic went everywhere, causing pandemonium as they all leapt out of the way.
‘Sorry, sorry! My fault,’ Matt apologised, grabbing a handful of paper napkins and hurriedly mopping up the mess. ‘I must have knocked the glass over when I went to pick up my bottle of beer.’ He glanced at Rachel. ‘I’ll get you another one.’
He got up and went to the bar, returning a few minutes later with a fresh glass. Placing it carefully on a coaster, he smiled at her. ‘Try that. It should be just right for you.’
Rachel cautiously raised the glass to her lips, feeling shock run through her when she tasted the sharp, undiluted bitterness of pure tonic water. How had he guessed that she didn’t want to drink any alcohol? she wondered giddily. Surely he didn’t suspect that she was pregnant?
The thought made her insides churn with apprehension and she hastily excused herself as she headed to the ladies’ lavatories. Although the bouts of morning sickness had tailed off, there were times throughout the day when she felt nauseous and this was one of them. She sluiced her face with cold water then sat on the little stool in front of the vanity bench and took several deep breaths, feeling better as her panic started to subside. There was nothing the least significant about Matt buying her that drink. He had simply heard Carol’s comment about her asking for a nonalcoholic drink and with typical thoughtfulness he had taken account of that. There was certainly no reason to believe that he had guessed she was pregnant.
Rachel stood up, feeling calmer now that she had reasoned everything out. She opened the door to go back and join the others, and came to an abrupt halt when she saw Matt leaning against the wall. It was obvious that he was waiting for her and her stomach lurched once again as she found herself wondering what he wanted.
All of a sudden it was just too much for her to deal with. With a tiny moan, she fled back into the toilets and was violently sick. Crouching down on the floor of the stall, she closed her eyes in despair. Even if Matt hadn’t worked out already that she was pregnant, it wouldn’t take him long to do so!
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
MATT could feel the shock wave spreading up from his toes. It reached his knees, moved up to his hips, his chest and finally arrived at his brain. He closed his eyes, desperately trying to find another explanation for what had happened that night but he really couldn’t think of one. Was it possible that Rachel was pregnant?
His eyes flew open again because he just knew it was true. It explained so much that had made no sense before. Rachel was expecting a baby, his baby, and that was why she had decided to leave Dalverston. It hadn’t anything to do with her lack of feelings for him—well, hopefully, not—she had just got it into her head that it was the right thing to do. He could actually understand her reasoning now that he thought about it: they hadn’t made a commitment; she had no idea how he really felt about her; she was far too proud to make it appear as though she was using the baby to force him into staying with her—as if that would have been necessary!
Matt pushed open the restroom door, his heart aching when he saw her crouched on the floor of the nearest stall. He knelt down beside her and drew her into his arms, knowing that he would never forgive himself for putting her through this ordeal. ‘It’s all right, sweetheart. Everything is going to be fine, I promise you that.’
‘How can it be?’ she whispered, raising tear-drenched eyes to his.
‘Because there’s no problem in the world that we can’t solve so long as we do it together.’ He brushed the damp curls off her forehead. ‘You, me and our baby.’
Her eyes widened in shock. ‘How did you guess?’
‘It wasn’t that difficult.’ He kissed her gently on the cheek. ‘I am a doctor, don’t forget—I’ve been trained to recognise the signs.’
‘I’m so sorry, Matt. I never meant it to happen. I just didn’t think that it would when we were always so careful.’
Her voice rose on a wail and he pulled her closer, rocking her to and fro while she sobbed out all the fear and heartache of the last few weeks. Matt couldn’t bear to imagine what she must have been through and blamed himself for it too. If only he’d told her how much he loved her then none of this would have happened.
He waited until she was a little calmer then urged her to her feet. ‘Let’s get out of here. We need to talk, Rachel, and we can’t do it in here, can we?’
‘But what about the others?’ she protested as he steered her along the passageway that led out to the car park. ‘They’ll think it’s very odd if we just up and leave without saying anything.’
‘What people think is the least of my worries,’ he said firmly, unlocking the car and helping her inside. He dropped a kiss on her forehead then fastened her seat belt for her. ‘Anyway, I doubt we’ll be missed for very long. They’ll be too busy celebrating.’
‘Well, if you’re sure it’s all right…’
‘It will be fine. Don’t worry.’ He tilted her face up to his and kissed her lips. ‘We have more important things to think about.’
‘I don’t want you to feel that you have to do anything you don’t want to do,’ she began, and he sighed softly as he placed a gentle finger against her lips.
‘I don’t, so you can get that idea right out of your head.’ He looked deep into her eyes. ‘I love you, Rachel. I only wish I’d told you that sooner but I was too afraid to admit how I felt to myself or to you.’
‘You love me?’ she whispered, her eyes enormous as she stared back at him.
‘Yes. Now, let’s go home and see if we can sort this all out.’
Rachel nodded mutely. She appeared too stunned to say anything. Matt got into the car and drove them back to his house, hoping that he had managed to convince her he was telling the truth. He couldn’t bear it if she thought he had only said he loved her because of the baby, when it wasn’t true.
The thought nagged away at him as he ushered her into the sitting room. The fire had died
down so he added a fresh log and soon had it blazing away. His breath caught as he turned and saw how beautiful Rachel looked with the firelight bringing out the chestnut glints in her hair. He loved her more than life itself and there was no way that he was prepared to lose her.
‘Would you like something to drink?’ he asked as his resolve hardened.
‘A cup of tea would be nice,’ she said quietly, not quite meeting his eyes. ‘Although I’d like to brush my teeth first, if you don’t mind.’
‘Of course I don’t mind. You know where everything is, so help yourself.’
‘Thank you.’ She started towards the door, stopped and turned back. ‘About the baby, Matt—’
‘Later. We’ll talk about everything once you’ve tidied yourself up.’ He closed the gap between them and dropped a gentle kiss on her cheek. ‘Just remember that I love you, Rachel, and that nothing will ever change that.’
‘I had no idea,’ she whispered.
‘How could you have known when I made such a good job of hiding my feelings?’ He rubbed the pad of his thumb along her jaw and felt her tremble. His confidence soared because it proved she wasn’t indifferent to him. ‘I only wish I’d told you the truth before now, then we could have avoided all this upset.’
‘I never gave you the chance to say how you felt about anything,’ she said, her voice catching. ‘It’s not your fault, Matt, it’s mine. All of it.’
‘It’s nobody’s fault,’ he said firmly. He kissed her again then headed to the kitchen and set about making the tea. Rachel hadn’t said how she felt about him yet, but he refused to believe that she didn’t care about him. The fact that she intended to have his baby proved that she did.
He smiled as he dropped tea bags into the pot. From now on life was going to be very different. There would be no more holding back, no more guilt, definitely no regrets. He would embrace the future and what lay in store for them all—him, Rachel and their son or daughter.
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