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by Dizzy Girl

  Sunny kissed me again. “I know. I hadn’t realised how angry I was with her until she came back, but it was hard to talk to her about it because she was so upset about my granddad. I took it out on you, I’m sorry.”

  “You must have had a lot to talk about” I said.

  “We did” he agreed. “I was so angry with her for not leaving him. It’s not as though she seemed happy in her marriage. She let him make these decisions about my life. But listening to her, I’d never realised how complicated their marriage was. She had been brought up with all sorts of expectations about the husband being the dominant partner, which he exploited. Thank goodness times are changing and those attitudes are being challenged, but it’s slow and she had a lot of ideas that I’d never have agreed with about how much wasn’t within her control.”

  “Was he violent to her?” I asked. I’d oftened wondered whether Pamela had been too scared to leave her husband but had never wanted to upset Sunny by asking before.

  Sunny got up and paced around the room. “I don’t know. I guess we still have a lot of talking to do. I’m sure she was scared of him. Even just watching him lose his temper and scream at us was frightening enough. There was always the threat of him hurting us, even though he didn’t hit me very often.”

  “And then because of me she didn’t get to see her only child for years. I can’t imagine how much that must have hurt her.”

  He sat back down next to me again. “I pointed out to her, rather loudly, that it really wasn’t your choice for that to happen” he said.

  “We didn’t get chance to talk this last few weeks, that didn’t help. I went away when you wanted to see me” I said.

  “That wasn’t your fault either. I didn’t exactly give you any warning.”

  “And then I bumped into Patrick” I added.

  “I was never angry about that” Sunny said. “You can’t help who you bump into, I knew you wouldn’t have seen him again by choice. I just felt useless not being able to get hold of you to check you were ok, then instead of talking to you I just got cross that we couldn’t seem to find time to even talk to each other.”

  “What exactly did Charlie say to you that got through to you?” I asked. “I didn’t know where to start talking to you. I’ve started writing to you a dozen times and deleted it.”

  “Well, mostly she told me that my mum was being a cow to you, and that if I didn’t pull myself together and deal with whatever was bugging me that I’d lose you. She wasn’t worried about upsetting me and so she didn’t bother to mince her words. It was pretty hard to hear, but it finally got through to me. Was she right? I haven’t lost you have I?”

  He looked scared as he asked it, and I smiled at him and stroked his cheek. “You haven’t lost me” I told him, and kissed him. “So did you talk to your mum after they left?”

  “Talked a bit, shouted quite a lot,” he admitted. “You know, I really didn’t realise how rude my mum was being to you.”

  “She didn’t say anything mean, but I guess that was it, she didn’t say anything to me at all.”

  “I asked her why tonight, after Charlie and Mark had gone. She said that felt like it was your fault that I got sent away. She couldn’t stand up to him about it, so instead she got angry and blamed you. I told her that it was just an accident that my dad had caught us, and that you’d never have chosen for me to leave.”

  “I really wouldn’t” I said. “I’ve hated this last few weeks of hardly seeing you. It hurt so much to think that I’d got you back, only to feel like I was losing you all over again.” I began to cry, stopping only when Sunny hugged me to him.

  “I told her that she’d chosen to marry my dad, and she’d never stood up to him. If she couldn’t as a full grown woman, then how we were supposed to as teenagers? I’m afraid I even told her about the pregnancy.”

  “How did she take it?” I asked.

  “At first she refused to believe that my dad would leave you on your own to deal with that, but I told her very strongly that he had. I think that was when I finally broke through her façade about him. Then she felt awful, she’d never realised that you’d had to make those kind of decisions on your own. I just wonder whether you’d have even made the same decision if he hadn’t been so cold towards you. If he’d let me come home.”

  “I don’t know love. I really don’t know what I’d have done. Was she angry with me for what I did?” I asked.

  “I don’t care if she was” Sunny replied. “As far as I’m concerned, it was your body and your life to decide about. It’s not like I was here to help you, because of my parents, so my family has no right now to criticise you for any decisions that you made then.”

  “So what happens now?” I asked. “I don’t want to come between you and your mum, but equally I don’t want to go back to seeing you once a week and never having chance to talk.”

  “Don’t worry” Sunny assured me, “mum and I have a lot more to talk about, but we’re not going to fall out over this. I hope you don’t mind, but I suggested that she stay one more week, then I’m going to drive her to stay with her sister. If she wants to come back to London after that then she can afford to buy herself a small place somewhere.”

  “As long as you know that I’d never deliberately come between you” I said.

  “I know, and I’m sure my mum will be more polite now that she knows the full story, but I’ve been quite clear that no matter how upset she is, she doesn’t take it out on you again.”

  “I’m so happy to have you back,” I told him, throwing my arms around his waist and kissing him. He kissed me back, and I felt the stress of the last few weeks lifting off me.

  “Do you think your parents would mind if I stayed over?” he asked. “I don’t want to go home yet.”

  Chapter Twenty Three

  The Wednesday evening wedding planning meeting felt much more celebratory from the start. Mark announced that he had ordered the kilts. Sunny muttered something about being Chinese, not Scottish and wearing trousers underneath, but he shut up quickly when Charlie stared at him. Sunny reported that he had spoken to the suppliers and managed to order the candles. They were due to arrive next week. Charlie announced that she had chosen a dress. She refused to say anything about it, other than that she hoped she could still get into it in two weeks’ time.

  I updated my spreadsheet and moved onto some of the smaller items on my list. “Balloons?” I asked.

  “Yes” said Charlie, “I promised Jason we’d have balloons.”

  I searched on my laptop and found a list of local numbers. “Why don’t you tell me what you want and I’ll ring round tomorrow lunchtime and see what I can sort out” I said. Charlie threw her arms around me and gave me a hug. It was all starting to fall into place.

  “Have you got rings sorted?” Sunny asked.

  “Not yet” Charlie said. “I wanted to show some to Mark but I was nervous if I mentioned rings he might bugger off to Amsterdam for three days to choose them” she joked.

  “We can go on Saturday” said Mark, “when we go to get Jason his outfit. He refuses to wear a kilt. He says it’ll ruin his street cred.”

  “And you’re letting him get out of it?” Sunny said, feigning hurt. Mark threw a cushion at him.

  “That’s pretty much everything on my list” I said.

  “Apart from bridesmaids” Charlie said. “I was wondering, given how much you’re doing to help get this organised, would you be my maid of honour?” My mouth dropped open. I’d grown fond of Charlie, even in just the short time that I’d been back, but this was more than I’d have dared to hope for, to be so included.

  “I do believe she’s actually speechless” Sunny said, looking at me. I threw another cushion at him.

  “I’d love to” I said. “In which case, we’re not finished after all.” Sunny and Mark groaned. “We need to plan you a hen night” I said. “But not in front of these two. Let’s meet up for a drink tomorrow, Mark can stay in with Jason, and we can
see what you fancy doing.”

  Pamela called us to clear the table for dinner, and this time she chose to sit next to me. She even asked me about work, and asked after my parents. She didn’t look quite as happy when Sunny offered to walk me home and told her not to wait up for him, but I don’t think any mum wants to think too much about what her son gets up to with his girlfriend anyway.

  Sunny and I curled up in my bed, and I tried not to wake him as I tossed and turned, but I couldn’t get to sleep. After I accidentally elbowed him for the third time, he sat up.

  “What’s up?” he asked me.

  “Why would anything be up?” I asked.

  “Because you haven’t laid still for more than ten seconds at a time and my ribs are black and blue from being pummelled by your wriggling.”

  “I’m just day dreaming” I said.

  “What about?” he asked.

  “Nothing.”

  “Wow, day dreaming about nothing really makes you huff and puff a lot doesn’t it” he said. I elbowed him one more time, but didn’t say anything.

  “Are you thinking about our wedding?” he asked.

  “Our wedding?” I asked. “I didn’t realise we were having one. Did you forget to ask me anything then?”

  I heard him laugh and felt his chest moving against me. “Not yet, I mean, but one day. We will, won’t we? Since you came back I guess I Just assumed that one day we’d want to.”

  “I hope so” I admitted. “But you’d better actually ask me one day. And I mean properly, down on one knee. And there had better be diamonds.”

  Sunny said. “I was waiting for you to ask me. Modern times and all. And I’d never thought that you’d be the traditional type.”

  “You’d have to stop being so daft first” I told him. “And there’s nothing wrong with wanting a little bit of romance.”

  “I’m working on it” he said. “So shall we? Get married I mean.”

  “I’d like that” I said, “but not yet. Let’s live together first, properly, not with me moving home when your mum stays. And see if I can live with your tidiness.”

  “You mean me live with your mess?” he asked.

  “No, I mean me live with your fussy ways. And then one day we can get engaged. Maybe I’ll ask you, maybe you’ll ask me. But there will be a fancy ring.”

  Chapter Twenty Four

  “It’s funny how wrong your opinions of people can be isn’t it” said Charlie. We’d met to have another look at the wedding spreadsheet and start making plans for a hen night. Charlie though was in a reflective mood, and seemed more interested in reminiscing that evening. We were eating at the little Thai restaurant on the high street. It was my kind of place, it looked like it needed one of those emergency make over shows to come and rescue it, but the food was amazing, fresh, and hot enough to bring a tear to your eyes. Sunny loved it here.

  Charlie was picking at her food though. She’d requested the mildest item on the menu, and was still following every mouthful with a big gulp of water. Maybe this hadn’t been such a good place to meet a pregnant lady. “Do you want to go somewhere else?” I asked.

  “It isn’t the food, honest. It just keeps hitting me, less than two weeks and I’ll be married. In five months time we’ll have another baby. To think I’ve known Mark all these years, and if he hadn’t been so good with Jason when we went to watch the footy, I’d never have known was a sweet guy he is.” Charlie took a mouthful of plain rice and then pushed her bowl away. “It scares me to think I might have missed out on being with him just because of his reputation at school, or because of his long hair. But then, I guess it’s not like I was at my best when I was there either I guess.”

  “You were the top dog at school” I reminded her, amazed that she didn’t look back on her school days with the happiness I thought she would.

  “I know, at the time I thought people looked up to me, looking back now I think they were scared of me. That’s pretty different. I don’t want Jason going to school and feeling like he has to act a certain way because people expect it. I don’t want him being cheeky to teachers and being sent out just to look big in front of his mates. I want him to go to university. I’m proud of myself for bringing him up, and I work hard at my job, but I don’t want my boy working all hours for crap money when he’s my age. When Mark and I got together he encouraged me to start doing a college course, he even looks after Jason so I can study. I’m actually feeling pretty proud of myself these days.”

  “And so you should” I told her. “You’ve done amazingly. Jason is such a sweet kid, and that’s all due to you.” I pushed my bowl away too and picked up the dessert menu. “I never fitted in at school” I told her, as if that would surprise her. “At least having Mark and Sunny around helped. We were misfits together. But then Sunny left and I think it took me years to get over it.”

  “Why did he go?” Charlie asked me. “I never did get it, I don’t mean to pry, but it was weird, one day he was here, the next gone. Next time I saw him he was in his police uniform.”

  So I told her. Everything. “I’m so sorry” she said, and I noticed that she cradled her bump with both arms as she thought about it.

  “It was a long time ago. You must have been in a similar position to me really, and you’ve been a great mum to Jason.”

  “Its’ been hard” she said. “But I was a couple of years older. Plus, I didn’t have some cold bastard turn up on my doorstep like Sunny’s dad did. No wonder you were too scared to go through with it.”

  “How did you manage?”

  “It was hard” Charlie admitted. “Especially when he hadn’t slept well, or he’d tantrumed a lot and his dad wasn’t exactly much use. But then, it got easier as Jason got older, and my mum helped us a lot too. By the time Mark came along we were doing really well. It was weird at first to have someone else looking after him, now we’re a real family though. It’s lovely, I think Mark loves him as much as if he was his own blood.”

  “I’m sure he does” I told her. “It’s strange. I’ve hardly talked about this for years, but it feels so fresh again now I’m back, now I’ve told Sunny about it.”

  “How did he handle it?” Charlie asked.

  “He was gutted. I thought he’d be upset, but he seemed to need to mourn.”

  “I guess that doesn’t help you feel ok either” she said.

  “No” I said. “It does make me feel guilty but he never had any choice. He feels responsible for how his dad treated me, and guilty that he wasn’t there to hold my hand at the clinic, but what could he have done back then to go against his dad? Thinking about how hard we found having his mum back for two weeks, I don’t know how we’d have managed having a baby with his dad being so angry at us and my parents too tired and stressed to be any help.”

  “I couldn’t have managed without help. A new baby can be a lot of stress on even the most stable relationship” Charlie said, running her hands over her tummy.

  “Are you nervous about that with Mark?” I asked.

  “Not this time” she said, shaking her head. “I know there’s going be times when it’s hard, when he will wake up saying he slept well and I’ve been up all night feeding the baby and I’ll have to try not to throttle him. But those times will pass, and it’s going to be worth it. I can’t wait to be a proper family together.”

  “That’s so lovely” I said, wiping tears from my eyes. Charlie laughed.

  “And I thought pregnant women were supposed to be the emotional ones” she said.

  I got up to visit the bathroom. “Thank you for listening to me. But this is supposed to be a night out for you. I definitely owe you a great hen night after all the free therapy tonight. So, what do you fancy doing?”

  “Getting a good night’s sleep?” Charlie requested. “Seriously, Jason didn’t sleep for two years. I’ve only got a few months left to sleep while I still can.”

  “Have you warned Mark about the sleep?” I asked. “He isn’t exactly the most energetic
person at the best of times.”

  “He’s been a lot better since he stopped the puff” Charlie said. “At least this time I’ll have someone to share the nappy duty with.”

  “Yes, he’s going to be a great dad, isn’t he” I agreed. “So how about a spa day?” I suggested. “If we pick a different night to the stags then Mark and Sunny can take Jason out for the day and we can go and be pampered. You can get a facial, have your nails done, whatever you like.”

  Charlie grinned, “it might be my last bit of time for myself for a while, that sounds perfect.”

  “Ok, all I need is a list of names and numbers and I’ll get it booked. We’ve not much time to squeeze it in before the big day, but how about the boys have their stag night on Friday night, and we’ll go out on Sunday. That way they get a day in the middle to recover.”

  “Sorted” said Charlie, and tapped her glass to mine. She rubbed her tummy again.

  “Are you ok?” I asked.

  “Yes, just getting a good kicking. I think he or she might like football as much as their big brother.”

  I smiled. “Want to feel?” she asked. I couldn’t speak, but I nodded, and she gently took my hand and held it over her belly. “It’s only little, so you won’t feel much from the outside, but trust me, I can feel it doing somersaults in there.”

  Her belly felt different to what I was expecting, it wasn’t squishy, like a beer belly would have been. It was like soft skin stretched over a bag of water, which I guess in many ways it was. It felt odd to be feeling someone’s tummy in public, and I nearly took my hand away, but Charlie held it, just for a few seconds longer, and I felt it, like a tiny ripple under my fingers.

  “There she goes” Charlie said.

  I took my hand away, and found myself rubbing my own empty tummy. One day it would be my turn for real. When Sunny and I were ready.

  Chapter Twenty Five