by Gary Smalley
“Are you okay?” he said.
“Yeah. It’s just, I hate being a girl sometimes. But don’t think these tears are because I’m not sure I know what I’m doing. I’m totally sure. Talking with your sister helped, and seeing all these other moms at the playground with their children helped. Seeing kids who had moms and dads who lived in nice places, had decent jobs, who were ready to be parents and planning to be parents. That’s what a baby needs.” Tears fell down her cheeks. “That’s what my baby needs. But that’s not who I am now. I can’t give her that.”
Doug got up and grabbed a napkin off the kitchen counter, handed it to her.
“Someday, I want that to be me. I hope God lets it be me. But I want my baby to have that right away, not years from now.” She wiped her eyes. “She deserves to start off that way. And this way, I can give her that chance.”
Doug stood up. “That’s really something, Christina. And if it matters at all, I agree with you. What you said. All of it. And I respect you for it. I really do. It’s probably the hardest decision a person can ever make.”
27
Doug had just left. He’d said a pleasant good-bye and see-you-soon. Christina had thanked him again, not just for his help but for his willingness to move his things so she could stay there. He’d said that he was happy to help. He’d even written down his cell phone number then invited her to call if she ever needed his help again.
It was a nice and polite thing to say, but then, it really didn’t mean anything. Oh sure, if she was ever in some kind of jam, she supposed Doug might come to her rescue. But he didn’t say, “I’ll call you sometime.” Or, “Let’s keep in touch.” This wasn’t the start of a real friendship, much less a romance.
She got up from the sofa and watched him walk across the backyard into the house. She wanted him to turn around, if only for a moment, and look up at her. He didn’t. She didn’t really expect him to.
It was as she thought; he was just raised right. She walked to the other window, the one facing the pool. She reminded herself that God had given her a wonderful place to live. That needed to be her focus. This wasn’t a guy/girl thing. She looked down at her stomach.
Look what that got you.
ddd
Marilyn heard the back patio door open. The movie she and Michele had been watching was just getting good, but she recognized Doug’s footsteps coming across the kitchen floor. She knew what was coming: a sad moment. His weekend visit was coming to an end. “You can keep watching it, Michele. I think Doug’s leaving now.” She got up to greet him.
“What?” Michele grabbed the remote and hit the pause button. “No, I’ll wait.”
Doug stepped into the living room. “Well, I’m all done back there. Christina’s all set. I guess I’ll get going.”
Marilyn gave him a hug. “Thanks so much for all your help, Doug.”
“No problem. She’s a nice girl.”
“I think so too,” Marilyn said. “I really like her. She’s made some big mistakes, but she’s back on track now, and she’s got a great attitude.”
“She’s definitely got a tough road ahead, but she seems up for it.”
Marilyn pulled back from the hug, though she didn’t want to let Doug go. “You want to take a soda with you? We’ve got some cans left in the fridge, ice cold.”
“Thanks, think I will.” He walked back into the kitchen.
“Oh, I almost forgot,” Marilyn said. “There’s a plate of food in there for you on the top shelf. Just some leftovers from today. Thought you could heat them up in your microwave back at the dorm. I know it’ll be late by the time you get back.”
“Thanks, Mom. That’d be great.” He opened the refrigerator and pulled out a can of soda and a big paper plate wrapped in plastic. “It’s been great getting dinners like this the last three weeks.”
Marilyn stood a few steps behind him. “It’s been great having you at the table again too. You know you’re welcome back every weekend. You won’t have to keep sleeping on the sofa bed in Dad’s office. Tom and Jean will be moving into their new house soon. You can sleep in one of the beds upstairs.”
Doug turned around, looking hesitant to respond. She had to be careful; she didn’t want to push him away. She just loved him so much. Having him at home three weekends in a row had been so nice, but it would be like a frustrating tease if things returned to the way they were before.
“I sure do love your cooking, and it’s been nice seeing you all more often.” He stepped around her and headed back into the living room toward the front door.
Michele got up off the love seat. “Oh no you don’t. You’re not getting out of here without giving your sister a hug.” She met him halfway to the door. “Mom won’t say this, but I can. You only live ninety minutes away. Do us all a favor. Keep this new trend going.”
“I’ll try.”
“Really, Doug,” she said. “I know classes are starting up again. You’ll go back, get back with your friends, and get busy again. But don’t forget us. We’re family.”
“I won’t.”
“You won’t what?”
“I won’t forget. Really, Michele, I’ve gotta go. There’s a big storm front coming in from the west. If I don’t leave now, I’m going to get stuck in it.”
Michele hugged him again. “All right, go on then.”
He walked into the foyer.
“I’ll get the door for you,” Marilyn said. She hurried to get around him and opened the front door, then followed him out to the wraparound porch. His red Mazda was parked in front along the curb. “So what do you think of Christina?”
He stopped at the edge of the porch and turned. “What?”
“Christina . . . do you like her?”
“Yeah, she’s nice.”
“You two seemed to get along pretty well.”
“I suppose so. She’s pretty easy to be with. I feel kind of bad for her, though.”
“Because she’s pregnant?”
“Definitely that. But from things you said, it sounds like she’s had a pretty rough life from the start.”
“She has. That’s part of the reason why your dad and I want to help her. I don’t think she’s ever been part of a real family before. And she’s made really good progress with just a little investment of time.”
“That’s a pretty brave decision she’s making, with the baby. She told me about it upstairs.”
“I hope you know I wasn’t trying to embarrass you or her at the dinner table.”
“I know. It wasn’t something we should’ve been getting into with Carly and Tommy there. But she told me the process she went through to reach her decision. I can’t imagine having to make a choice like that.”
“I hope you never have to. You know, her problem is . . . totally avoidable.”
Doug gave her a look. “Mom, I know.”
“I’m just saying . . . you know how the world is now.”
“I have no intentions of getting a girl pregnant. That’s one phone call you don’t have to worry about getting. Okay, I really should get going.” He walked to the edge of the porch and looked up. “Look, it’s already starting to get dark off to the west.”
“I know you have to go. Your sister thinks you and Christina would make a cute couple. If she wasn’t, you know . . .”
“Mom, I can’t believe you guys are talking like that.”
“You think she’s wrong?”
“What? Yeah, I think she’s wrong.” He lowered his voice. “Christina’s pregnant, Mom. She’s carrying some guy’s baby. I don’t want any part of that. So, let’s be done with this conversation. I like Christina. And I know you guys are trying to help her, but I’m not the answer in this situation. I did say she was brave. She’s even . . . pretty in her own way. But you and Michele gotta get rid of any ideas about me and Christina.” He thought a moment. “She’s going to your church now, right? I’m sure after this situation is over, she’ll meet a nice guy there. Start looking in that direction
.”
She shouldn’t have brought this up now. Obviously, she had totally misread his interest in Christina. She had to trust God for Doug, even though it was hard. There were so many temptations at school. “I’m sorry, Doug. I won’t talk about this anymore. I wasn’t trying to make you feel uncomfortable.”
His eyes softened. “Don’t worry about it. I better go.” He reached forward and gave her a hug good-bye.
28
Michele was just about to call Allan when she heard a car pull up out front. She and her mom were still watching the movie, but for the last half hour, she had been pretty distracted. Allan’s visit with Ray was taking much longer than he had said. He was supposed to be home by about the time they had finished dessert and coffee.
That was almost an hour ago.
When she got up, her mom said, “Do you want me to pause it?”
“That’s okay. For some reason, I’m just not into this. Allan just got home. I think we’ll get going. I feel a nap coming on.”
“I’m feeling pretty sleepy too. Maybe it’s this movie.”
“That and the big dinner and the fact it’s Sunday afternoon,” Michele said. “Anyway . . .” She walked over to her mom. “Don’t get up.” She leaned down and gave her a hug good-bye. “Thanks for feeding us, again.” Through the window she saw Allan coming up the sidewalk. “Well, gotta go. Talk to you soon.”
She did her best to sound upbeat, but she was a little annoyed. Allan probably had a good excuse for being late. As she opened the front door, she reminded herself it wasn’t a big deal.
“Hey, babe,” Allan said as he approached the front steps. He noticed her purse. “You’re ready to go?”
“I’ve been ready for almost an hour.” That came out with more edge than she’d planned.
“I’m sorry. I should’ve called. Ray and I just got to talking, and I lost track of the time.”
Okay, maybe he didn’t have such a good excuse. “I’m pretty tired. I already said my good-byes.” She came down the porch steps.
“Did Doug already leave?”
They headed back down the sidewalk toward their car. “Yeah. Mom’s watching a movie. Dad’s asleep. And Tom and Jean are upstairs with the kids. Haven’t heard a peep out of them for a while.”
“Maybe they’re sleeping too,” he said. “And Christina?” He opened her car door.
She knew what he was doing. He could tell she was upset, so he was making small talk. “I guess she’s settling in the apartment. Haven’t seen her since we finished coffee and dessert. Which . . . was quite a while ago.” She sat in her side of the car. He walked behind the car and got in the driver’s side. Take a deep breath, try to calm down. This isn’t a big deal. Don’t give him such a hard time.
He pulled away from the curb and headed toward their townhome. “Guess this isn’t a good time to tell you what Ray and I talked about.”
She didn’t answer.
“Things are really coming together for this orphanage plan. I figured it would take months for some of the things that have already started happening. Guess I got caught up in the flow. I’d love to tell you about it sometime.”
She knew he meant right now. But she didn’t want to hear about it right now. She also knew if she didn’t hear him out, he’d keep thinking about it the rest of the afternoon and evening. It would sit on top of anything else they did. “Why don’t you tell me about it now? Not all the details, just the headlines. You can talk until we get home.”
He smiled. That broke the tension.
“Well, you know it’s all about the kids, the ones living in that dump called Korah. Ray said all the guys are having the same trouble I’m having reconnecting with life back home. He’s feeling it too. I think if you had come on this trip with me, you’d know exactly what I’m saying. They’re just living every day in that place, rummaging through garbage to find something to eat. Day after day, week after week, with no hope of it ever changing. I can smell it right now just thinking about it. You can’t imagine it, Michele.”
And she didn’t want to. “We’re gonna be home before you know it. You already told me all this.”
“Right, well . . . did I tell you about this guy named Henok? He grew up in Korah.”
“I’m not sure.”
“He’s the one who brought us there, the one who told Ray about it in the first place. Anyway, Ray asked him to coordinate everything over there for us. He plans to make him the orphanage director, I think. Once it’s all set up. The thing is, Henok emailed Ray a pretty lengthy update. So far, it’s all good news. It looks like God is opening a wide door for this thing to happen. The local government is open to the idea, especially when they heard it wouldn’t cost them a dime.”
“So where’s the money coming from?” Allan took care of the bills, but he always went over them with her, once a month. She dreaded the thought of their next financial chat when the tally for all these mission expenses came in. Not to mention the fact that he used up precious vacation time on these trips. Time they could’ve spent together.
“Our church for one,” he said. “Ray said the elders are meeting this week to discuss the idea of our church making this orphanage part of their mission budget. Sounds like each of the other guys on the team are talking to their churches about the same thing. We might be able to pull this thing off with just that level of commitment. Things over there are so much cheaper. That’s kind of where I come in.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m going to put together the battle plan, lay out all the different expenses involved in setting up and running this orphanage. That’s part of the reason why I was late. Ray helped me hammer out all the different categories. My job is to figure all that out and give the team a bottom line. A financial goal to shoot for. Well, that’s the first part of my job.”
Allan’s face was all lit up. She wished she could share his joy. All she could think about was how much more of his time and attention—his spare time and attention—would go to this. And how much less time and energy he’d have to spend with her.
“Is anything wrong?”
She looked through the windshield. Their street was just ahead. What should she say? “Did you even remember I have a doctor appointment this week?”
“What?”
She could tell by the look on his face, she might just as well have asked if he remembered she was taking a trip to the moon.
“I guess I didn’t. Why? Is something wrong? Are you okay?”
Be careful, she thought. It’s not his fault. “No, I’m not okay. There’s something very wrong with me, or with you. Maybe with both of us. That’s why I’m going to the doctor. We can’t seem to have children, and we’ve been trying for over a year. Remember?”
29
That seemed to hit home.
Allan didn’t respond but turned his gaze straight ahead. Michele could tell he was a little angered by what she said, but he was doing his best not to react. She didn’t like fueling the tension between them, but she had to get his attention somehow. Allan couldn’t multitask. He usually gave the lion’s share of his heart to one thing at a time. The orphanage was clearly taking over.
They turned onto their street. Still no response. They turned down the one-lane alley that ran behind their row of townhomes. She felt pressure to say something accommodating or conciliatory but decided against it.
He pushed the garage door button, waited for the door to lift, then pulled in. After turning off the car, he turned and said, “Michele, obviously I’m not tracking with you here. I can tell you’re upset with me. By the look on your face and what you just said, I feel like I should apologize. The problem is, if I did, it would just be to make peace. I don’t feel like I’m doing anything wrong, and with the way you pick up on things, you’d notice that in any apology I’d try to make. So help me understand what’s going on here? You know how much these African mission trips mean to me. This isn’t a new thing. I’ve been going there since before we m
et and all through our engagement. I never hid from you that this is something I wanted to keep doing after we were married. I remember you even saying that it was okay, that my love for missions was part of why you were attracted to me. Do you remember saying that? Because I do.”
“I do remember,” she said. “And I remember meaning it when I said it.”
“But you don’t mean it now? You’re not okay with it anymore?”
“No, that’s not what I’m saying. At least I don’t think that’s what I’m saying.”
He turned the car’s ignition partly on, enough to lower the power windows. “Then what?”
What should she say? How did she really feel? “Allan, I think the problem is . . . neither of us considered we’d have a hard time conceiving children. You know how much I’ve wanted children. I never hid that from you.”
“I want them too. We don’t disagree on that.”
“But in a way,” she said, “we do. Not on whether we should have them, or even how many. But you seem content to just let it happen whenever it happens.”
“I don’t think we have much choice. We don’t have any control over what’s going on.”
“See, I don’t agree with that. There are all kinds of medical things to consider. That’s what this doctor appointment is about, to start pushing those buttons, find out what’s available. If there’s a medical reason keeping us from having children, there might be a medical fix.”
“Okay, I agree with that. But I don’t see the problem. You’re going to the doctor. I’m not against it or trying to stop you.”
Lord, help me explain this without getting angry. “You’re not trying to stop me, Allan. But you’re also not really with me in this. I don’t feel your support. I feel alone, like I’m carrying this all by myself. On my radar, it’s a big glowing green dot. So big it dominates the screen. I think on your radar, it’s a teeny little blip. A dim light that only flickers a few moments at a time, usually after I bring it up, and then it dies out.” She looked into his eyes. He was getting this, some of it, anyway. “You know what’s the big green dot on your radar? The one dominating the screen?”