“We don’t—”
“One night,” I begged.
He let out a deep breath, staring into my eyes and exposing the fear in his own. They fluxed, pleading, and I realized that he did know something I didn’t. Something terrible. But I wasn’t ready for more terrible. I was ready for more miracles, for one night since Roman’s accident where we could live in the impossible fortune of him waking up, of the miracle that he had lived. Roman had lived. I just wanted him to feel that. For one night I wanted to feel it too.
“Please,” I said.
Roman relented only when he saw that I was on the verge of tears. “One night.” He pulled me back against his chest, his hand warm against my forehead. I imagined all of the thoughts fighting for his lips, the fears and the questions. He choked them all down and said, “What do you want to talk about?”
It took a few tries before I finally thought of something that didn’t have to do with the hospital or my dreams or the real reason my trip to Germany had been delayed.
“I want to talk about boats.”
He laughed, his warm breath against the top of my head. “Boats?”
“It’s just occurred to me that I’ve never told you about my plan to sail around the world. You don’t get seasick, do you?”
“I don’t know, although I do seem to have an affinity for drowning.”
I rolled over, facing him. “I’ll teach you how to swim.”
“And I’ll teach you how to ski.”
I fiddled with the buttons on his coat. “And we can live in a cabin in the mountains with our own personal ski lift.”
He narrowed his eyes. “Are you going to build this?”
“No, you are of course.”
“Oh, right. Then where are we going to keep the boat?”
“At our summer house on the coast.”
“Summer house?” He sat up, pulling me with him. “I guess you’re expecting us to be rich?”
“I’m planning on winning the lottery.”
“Oh.” He rolled his eyes. “Like you’re planning on sailing around the world.”
“Exactly.”
“And what else are you planning on doing? You know, just so I can see if it requires a million dollars or some kind of special ops training or, I don’t know, a will.”
I hugged my knees.
“Sorry.” He leaned in. “No sarcasm.”
Or talking about death. It only made me think about the future. The future I wasn’t sure I’d even get to have. That’s why I just wanted this one night with him, just in case I’d miss out on all the others. I just wanted one night.
I maneuvered my shoulder under Roman’s chin. “Your turn. If you could do anything or see anything what would it be?”
He had this faraway look in his eye but then he reeled it back in. “I don’t know.”
“Come on, please.”
“I guess I don’t think about those things,” he said. “Or when I do I only think about the impossibility of them.”
“Then don’t think,” I said. “Don’t try to rationalize it and don’t try to talk yourself out of it.”
I just wanted to see what the future might look like in his eyes, in his dreams. I needed to see all that he’d hoped for us. I needed hope.
“Okay…I’d follow the Mismatched Machine tour around the country in the GTO my dad and I are restoring. Oh, and I’d stop at every famous diner and dive bar along the way and take on whatever hometown food challenge they’ve got—downing a ten pound burger, eating a plate of atomic hot wings in less than ten minutes.”
I smiled. “Really?”
He hung his head. “See? It’s stupid.”
“No. It’s not.”
His stubble grazed my cheek as he smiled.
“How does it feel?” I asked.
“What?”
“To be working on a car again.”
“Scary.” He buried his face in the back of my neck. “There’s so much my dad and I haven’t talked about, so much about that night and all of the ones before. But it felt so good to be moving again, to give my hands something useful to do. Especially when I was still…” He stopped, raised his hands. “It’s just nice to have my old callouses back.”
I traced the calloused remnants of bass strings and tools, his hands thick and rough.
“This…” Roman reached for my hand, pulling it palm up.
I snatched it back but not before he saw the scars. “It’s nothing.”
“What happened?”
“Nothing. It was an accident.”
His face darkened as he yanked my hands back into the light again. “An accident?”
I strained against his grip and he finally let go of me. But I didn’t bother trying to clench my fists or tuck them away. The scars were too thick and too many. I knew he didn’t believe me. He reached for my face and in that moment, his hands on me, I felt every wound as if it were new.
I crumbled. “I didn’t mean it.”
He was inches from my face, forcing me to look. “Then what did you mean? Bryn…”
The tears were acid against the back of my throat. “I don’t want to die.” I tried to hide the words in the folds of his coat. “Please.”
But he felt the weight of them anyway. “You won’t.”
I pushed him away. “I am!”
He gripped my shoulders. “You’re not.”
We found the ground again, gravity the only thing holding us together, and Roman wrapped me in his coat. The breeze rushed over us and I tugged the blanket over our heads, blue shadows bleeding across his skin.
The last time we’d hidden away together under my grandmother’s quilt Roman had begged me not to find him. But I had and now he was here. He was alive.
“You saved me, Bryn.”
I blinked against the darkness but I couldn’t see save for the glint of his eyes.
“Even when I told you not to come for me.” He kissed me. “You saved my life, Bryn, and even if it’s the last thing or maybe the only thing I ever do, I’m going to return the favor.” He took my hands and led them to his mouth, his lips brushing the scars that were invisible in the dark. “I promise.”
We lay there for a long time until we were both dry and empty. I didn’t feel like I was falling anymore and I wasn’t reeling from the crash back down. I was still, and in Roman’s arms, I was safe.
“Do you want to know what else I’ve always wanted to do?” Roman suddenly said, voice rough from the cold.
“What’s that?”
“To be an astronaut.”
This time I couldn’t stifle a small laugh.
“Gee, thanks.” I could feel his smile in the dark. “That’s the last time I open up to you.”
“No, no.” I shook my head, pulling us free from the blanket. “I’m sorry. You just surprised me, that’s all. Why do you want to be an astronaut?”
“I don’t know.” He hesitated. “I guess I’ve just always wanted to see the stars up close, well, closer than this.”
I folded my arms over his chest. “You know, I think that could be arranged.”
We stood in the Seilbahn tunnel waiting for the last cable car before they closed for the evening. Roman hadn’t even let go of my hand as he’d fumbled for his wallet to pay for the tickets. He knelt down and stepped into the tiny car before leading me in next to him. Then they closed the door and we started to rise toward the opening that faced a fancy hotel. The night lights rippled against the empty pool, people out on their balconies and staring up at us.
For a long time we both just faced the window, the quiet filling the space until it was hard and pressed against us. As if that small walk from the park to the tunnel had snuffed out whatever dreams we’d conjured there. I knew what we were both thinking, that it was time to face more than just our scars. It was time to face the truth about what was happening to both of us.
As soon as Roman inhaled I braced myself for what was next. “There’s something I need to tell you.”
All I could do was nod.
“When I saw the shadow at the scene of the accident…it looked like…like—”
“What?”
He grew still. “Me. Its face…” He clenched his jaw. “And then I felt it inside me, this wild dead thing. I could feel it trying to rip me apart from the inside but then something in me fought back.”
“Wait, it attacked you? And you fought it?”
“I don’t know how. I don’t even really know what happened. The shadow was somehow inside me and then I just felt this rage like a fire had been lit beneath my skin. Then it was gone.”
I thought of Vogle’s hands, the fire inside him that had resolved the shadow to dust. He’d destroyed it, and somehow in the dream-state Roman had destroyed one too. I examined his hands again, his eyes, my own roaming over his skin. But the flesh was dark.
And then I remembered the two of us sitting in front of that campfire in my memories. Roman had asked me what it felt like to be sick and I’d told him that it felt like drowning. Something permanent had been forged between us that night, something powerful, and the proof had been in his touch, his skin alive and glowing like the flames in front of us. I waited for that spark to ignite again, wondering if my closeness had somehow drawn it out, if it could again. But his body stayed silent.
Roman reached for me again. “I thought I was protecting you, Bryn. I thought it was the only one.”
My throat was tight as I forced out the words. “It’s not.”
“I know.” His eyes narrowed as he stared at something in the distance. “I don’t know why but lately when I fall asleep I find myself back at the farmhouse. I look for you but you’re never there.”
He told me about the owl and the swarm and our names carved into the trunk of one of the trees.
“I saw it,” I said.
Something like a smile crept across his lips. “I left it for you. I hoped that maybe you’d find it and you’d know.”
“Know what?” I asked.
“That I hadn’t forgotten anything. That I hadn’t forgotten you.”
My eyes burned, new tears tangling with my lashes. I faced the window again, not wanting him to see my eyes and that I was afraid. I watched the river below us churning, the waves black and reaching for me.
“I’ve seen the shadows too,” I finally said.
“Have they…?” He stopped, not sure how to say it.
I took his hand and led it to my face, tears streaking over the makeup I’d used to cover the scar. He found it with his thumb, drudging it to the surface. For a long time he just stared at it, thumb trembling as he traced over the raised skin.
“It did this to you?” he said, his voice hard.
“I’m not the only one,” I said. “Another patient named Sam sees them too. It’s already hurt her once.”
“And what do your doctors say? Do they know? Bryn, what if—?”
“They know.”
“Do they know about me?” he asked.
“They know about everything. Roman…” I led his hand back down to my lap. “There are some things you need to know too.”
30
Roman
I gripped the chair, the wall of Bryn’s brain stills growing fuzzy in the corner of my eye until it was just static.
“Roman?” Someone said my name but I wasn’t sure who.
“Give him a minute,” Dr. Banz whispered.
“I’m…” Fine. Say it.
I wasn’t sure how long we sat there in Dr. Banz’s office—Bryn with her hand on my forearm, Dr. Banz staring at the lab below his window, and Vogle…he never took his eyes off me.
“That’s everything?” I asked, bracing for another blow. “Eve and Bryn and Sam and the disease being a cover and the shadows somehow getting stronger?”
“That’s all we know,” Vogle offered.
“But the things we don’t? Do we even know where to start?” The panic was like a second pulse but despite the room being still, we all knew that time was running out. For Bryn. “What can I do?” I said. “What am I supposed to do?”
“We’re not sure,” Dr. Banz said.
“But you said I’m supposed to protect her.” I turned to Vogle, waiting for some kind of reassurance but he was like me in more ways than one. He’d lost the girl he loved and as we tried to figure out how to protect Bryn and Sam I could see that he was just as confused.
Bryn sighed. “Roman…”
I snapped in her direction. “I’m supposed to protect you.”
“Not until we know what we’re fighting first, and what it is or what it wants from me.”
“They’re evil,” Vogle said, “We know that much.”
“And you and I?” I asked Vogle. “What about us?”
He held out his hands, palms up. Light carved up from the lines in his skin, throbbing with his pulse.
“How—?”
He grabbed my wrist and it burned.
“The first time you thought you were going to explode,” he said. “You wanted to.”
I nodded, remembering the shadow as it clawed at my insides. “I was on fire.”
“No.” He shook his head. “You were fire.”
He let go of me and my hand was glowing, the silhouette of flames churning just under my skin. I held it up and the flames trembled, sparks skittering across my fingers and spilling to the floor.
“And now what am I?”
Vogle shook his head again. “I don’t know any others like us. I don’t know what we are or why. All I know is the responsibility you have to Bryn because it’s the same one I had to Eve.”
“To protect her,” I said. “I know. I will.”
“You’re going to need to prepare to do more than that,” Vogle said. “I’ve seen it all before, what she’s going through. I know how it’s supposed to end and it’s not with you just protecting her. It’s with you saving her life.”
Bryn took a sharp breath and Vogle did the same, realizing the magnitude of what he’d just said.
She locked eyes with him, panic in her voice as she said, “And Sam.”
Dr. Banz shook his head. “I saw the mark on her arm.”
“I dreamt with her,” Bryn said.
“When?” he asked.
“A few nights ago and when I came to the hospital the next day she’d remembered all of it. She said she’d done it before.”
“Sam definitely seems to have much more control over her dream-state than you’ve shown,” Dr. Banz said. “She’s mentioned dreaming with several different people, including her mother, none of whom share her memories of it. That made it almost impossible for us to determine whether or not they were normal dreams or side effects of her KLS.”
“But now?” Bryn asked.
“But now it seems they aren’t dreams at all,” Vogle said.
“No,” Bryn cut in, her face stoic. “They’re nightmares.”
Bryn explained what Sam had revealed about the shadows trying to trap them in their own nightmares, Dr. Banz’s trembling hand gripping his cane as the rest of us froze in disbelief.
“So they’re deepening your sleep, not only to inhibit you physically but mentally as well,” Vogle said.
“That’s why the dreams are becoming more dangerous,” Bryn said.
“Dangerous…” I thought of the scratch on her cheek.
She looked down. “Before…I didn’t show you…” And then she pulled down the collar of her shirt, dark red lines beaded across her skin.
I was on the floor in front of her. “It did this to you too?”
Bryn shuddered and I clutched her wrists.
“It makes sense now why during an episode I’ve stopped eating or drinking.” Bryn turned to Dr. Banz. “Once when you were talking about Eve…you said it was like she existed in some kind of waking nightmare. Do you think the shadows actually managed to trap her in one?”
Dr. Banz looked down. “She was haunted by something whether she was sleeping or awake and whatever i
t was drove her to madness.”
“That’s it.” Bryn’s hand trembled in mine.
“What’s it?” Vogle said.
“My mind, my consciousness is the key to the dreams.”
“I don’t understand,” I said.
“In the dream with Sam, somehow I was able to make myself wake up.” Bryn looked to Dr. Banz again. “Sometimes I can change things, only recently, but sometimes I can move myself if I concentrate hard enough. So when Sam said they were trying to make us sleep, I was confused. I’ve proven that I can manipulate things in the dream-state, that somehow I’m stronger in the dream so it didn’t make sense to me that they’d want to trap me there. So what if trapping me there isn’t their end goal?”
“Wait,” I said. “You think their real goal is to drive you into some sort of madness?”
Bryn nodded, her eyes softening. “You said my memories turned into a nightmare.”
I looked away, trying not to relive it.
“Even now, you’re still afraid of it. What do you think would have happened if I hadn’t found you, if you hadn’t woken up?”
“I would have…” My first instinct was to say that I would have died but that would have been impossible. “I would have lost my mind.”
After a beat of silence, everyone digesting this new information, Dr. Banz finally spoke. “When you were with Sam, Bryn, where were you exactly?”
“In a forest,” Bryn said. “At first I’d thought it was near the farmhouse but the trees were different.”
“You were somewhere new?”
“I think so.”
“Do you think you could do it again?” Dr. Banz asked. “Since you were able to find your way out, do you think it would be possible for you to find your way back there?”
“I’m not sure.” Bryn paused. “I could try.”
Dr. Banz paced as if trying to gather his thoughts. “I’ll call Sam’s mother to see if she can bring her in and then we’ll set the two of you up for observation tonight.”
“If I can convince my mom,” Bryn said.
The Girl In Between series: Books 1-4 Page 44