by Shey Stahl
IT’S NOT HARD to know when Tyler arrives. I hear his truck roaring from a mile away and then squealing to a stop in the street. I’m actually impressed he found me.
He slams the door to his truck and stalks toward me. “Where’s Holden?”
I shrug and roll over onto my stomach and tuck my arms under my head. “I don’t know.” Bringing my knees up, I try to stand but it’s a moot effort and he has to help me up. “Let’s go.”
Either from standing up so quickly, or the fact that I’ve drank my body weight in alcohol, I puke. On Tyler.
He groans, tossing his head back and helping me to the truck. “I’m gonna fucking kill Holden.”
Stripping off his shirt, he tosses it in the bed and then opens the door, nodding for me to get in. But I’m covered in puke so I strip. Right then and there, pants and shirt gone completely.
Seems fine to me but there’s people rolling by on the street, whistling at me.
“Jesus, get in the truck.” Tyler’s eyes are frantic, and knowing he drove an hour for me, makes me feel way too good, despite the fact I just threw up on him.
When I’m standing there, staring at him, he waits several seconds, like he’s waiting for me to tell him what happened, but I don’t. I wait to see what he’s going to do with me now standing before him in my bra and underwear and not doing what he told me to do, which was to get in the truck.
His jaw flexes, the muscles in his face twitching. But his touch, it’s tender as his thumb brushes lightly over my cheek. “Raven, you’re in your bra and underwear. Get in the truck.”
My stomach burns, the acid in my throat causing my words to come out rough. “Okay.”
I THINK I PASS out after that. I’m not positive, but I wake up on my bed in my dorm room with Tyler between my legs. I can’t tell if he’s taking clothes off, or putting them on.
“What are you doing?” I ask, trying to pry one eye open. It’s hard, an effort I don’t have. I really do want to sleep but I also want him to love me.
“You’re naked. I’m trying to get your panties on.” He taps my knee. “Help me out. Lift up.”
I do and smile when he struggles. My head falls back against the bed, my legs dangling over the edge. I have no idea how my panties came off in the first place, but it’s then I notice I’m not wearing a bra either, just an old tank top of mine.
Tyler laughs when it’s not working getting my panties up my wet thighs. “I’m usually taking panties off, not putting them back on.” His brow scrunches; he’s trying to figure out how to get them on since they’re sticking to my thighs. “This is surprisingly difficult.”
“Why are my legs all wet?”
“I had to clean you off. There was puke all over us.”
I bring my elbows underneath me and sit up slightly. “How did you clean me off?”
Tyler stands from his crouched position and scratches the side of his head, as if he’s trying to come up with a plan to get me dressed and in bed. His expression darkens with an unreadable emotion. “I took you to the car wash. You puked in my truck and I had to clean it off. So I hosed you down too.”
I want to laugh because I wish I would have been coherent enough to remember that. With a lot of effort, I stand up and help him out by pulling my panties on. “What are you doing here though? I thought you’d drop me off and leave. Remember? You don’t want me.”
I’m an obnoxious drunk tonight. So much so that I want to punch myself.
His brows draw together in a frown. “I’m not leaving you alone so Holden can come back and have his way with your naked body.”
Is that possessiveness I hear?
“Better you than him?”
I’m teasing, I think, but he doesn’t see it that way. His lips purse when I sway on my feet. “Not quite.”
His arm wraps around my waist, the other under my thighs as he picks me up.
“Are you sure?” I ask as he sets me gently on the bed.
Tyler’s arm slips around my shoulder as he lies down next to me, his dreamy blues landing on mine. He studies me for a moment but I don’t give him much time before I straddle his lap. I want him, right now.
Instantly his body stiffens and his hold on me falls away. “Raven… don’t do that.”
“Why?”
“Because you’re drunk and if I do this now with you, I’m not any different than these fucking frat boys. I came here to help you get to bed, not fuck you.” His lips brush the top of my head. “Please just sleep.”
I’m so grateful he’s here with me that I say what I’m thinking. “I love you, Tyler.”
It slips out and I know what I’ve done, but I play it off like a drunk girl would because I am and I can get away with it.
He chuckles but says nothing.
Closing my eyes, I let my hand wander lower, attempting to seduce him. “Make love to me. I want to know what it’s like to have a man love me.”
He catches my hand when it reaches the waistband of his jeans and puts it back on his chest. “Why do you want me to make love to you? It’s not like we haven’t had sex before, Raven.”
“No, not sex. Make love to me.”
I think I know what he’s going to say next. Something along the lines of he can’t love me, he’s too broken, blah fucking blah. I don’t want to hear that. I want love, damn it.
His lips brush my temple. “What was that the morning you left?”
“I’m not sure what that was. I think it was the day you broke my heart.”
He draws back and the look on his face makes me want to sigh. “It wasn’t my intention.”
“I know.”
Despite the regret I think he feels for saying no, he offers a smile. “Go to sleep.”
I can’t sleep. Not with him here and a little bit of courage. I want to know why I’m not good enough for him to love. Berkley was. Why can’t I be? “Why can’t you love me back? I’m not good enough, that’s it, isn’t it? What’s wrong with me? Was Berkley better than me?”
He ducks his chin to look down at me, his brow raising. “There’s nothing wrong with you. You don’t know what you’re talking about, Raven. You’re drunk.”
I’m refusing to let this go and sit up and twist to face him. “Yes I do. You don’t love me. Holden didn’t love me enough. What the hell is wrong with me?”
“It’s not you. You’re perfect.” He sits up too. “There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you and I told you, if I was going to fall in love with anyone, it would be you.”
I take a moment to think about what he says, or I try at least but I turn and realize I’m wearing a tank top and one of my boobs falls out.
“Oh, look. One of the Double Mint twins is looking for a solo career.”
He glances down and his eyes crinkle at the corners but I can tell he’s desperately trying to not look. “Raven, fix your shirt.” Slowly, his hand eases along the dip in my side, squeezing my hip. “Please.”
I fix my boobs but then I sigh into his chest when his hands don’t leave my side. “You’re touching me and it’s making me want you, so stop touching me unless you’re going to make love to me.”
His hand relaxes, as does my breathing when he presses his lips to my forehead and then sits up. “Sleep.”
“I can’t.” A sigh escapes me. “Hold me until I fall asleep.”
Tyler doesn’t say anything but he lies back on my bed and lets me rest my head on his chest.
I lift mine again. “Are you sure? I mean, I can’t believe you don’t want any sex.”
His lips curl up into a barely-there smile, though his expression doesn’t change. “It’s not without effort.” Staring at the ceiling, he asks, “Why did you go to a frat party anyway?”
“I’m trying to fit in.”
He nods. “And that worked out, didn’t it?”
I think I should be offended by it, but I’m not. “I don’t fit in anywhere.”
“That’s not true. You fit in with me.”
“Bu
t you won’t love me, or make love to me right now.”
“Okay, stop it.” Tyler lets out a heavy sigh and turns to face me. “You’re drunk and feeling bad about yourself but you’re better than this. Knock it off.” He’s right. I’m being insecure and it’s probably pretty annoying. “It’s like two in the morning. Go to sleep.”
I didn’t think I could, but the moment I close my eyes and listen to his soft breathing, it’s a lot easier than I thought it would be.
It’s around four in the morning when I’m driving back from her dorm and I know I’m not getting any sleep tonight. All I can think about is her and her telling me that she loves me. The more I think about it the more I believe it because I know despite her being drunk, she knew what she was saying, and Raven rarely says anything she doesn’t mean.
What do I do now?
I’m completely aware that the right thing to do is to pull back knowing her feelings are getting too deep, but I’m a selfish bastard at heart and the thought of letting her go isn’t something I’m willing to entertain. As it is, I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around everything this woman makes me feel. I know why, deep down, this is a struggle for me, but I’m not ready to put my feelings out there just yet.
Sitting at my kitchen table, my thoughts on the night are still buzzing loudly in my brain.
I finally decide to shower and head downstairs to get a head start on the day. Maybe keeping my hands busy will help drown out the battle going on in my head.
Grabbing my keys and phone from the table on the way out, I notice that Raven must have texted me while I was in the shower.
Raven: Sorry about last night. Thanks for saving me.
Staring at her message, I realize I can’t text her back. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not because I don’t want to, but because I’m afraid if I do, I’ll say something I’m going to regret and lead her on even more.
I’M NOT SURE what my problem is but weeks have gone by and I still haven’t talked to Raven. We’re approaching Thanksgiving and maybe it’s because I didn’t reply to her message or she feels guilty about that night but she doesn’t text me either and she hasn’t come home on the weekends.
I know she’s coming for Thanksgiving and the fact that I’m going to see her soon has me sort of amped and on edge at work.
I’m counting down the hours in the day so I can get the hell out of here when Berkley shows up at the shop wearing skin-tight jeans and black leather boots up to her knees.
Typical of her. Always trying to gain attention.
“What are you doing here?” I don’t look at her when she leans against my toolbox. I have a car I’m working on and the last thing I need is to get distracted. Besides, I know why she’s here wearing that outfit. She’s looking to hook up. “If you’re looking for Rawley, check the parts room.”
“Can’t I come by and check on you?”
I shrug, quirking an eyebrow at her to see that Red’s watching us. “Well, you could but you made it clear you’ve moved on. Why keep stopping by?”
“Tyler.” There’s a long sigh that escapes her, one I’ve come to know is her being frustrated with me. It’s like the wind, you know it’s coming, you hear the howling, you’re just waiting for the gust to hit your face. “You don’t have to be an asshole.”
I laugh. “I can be anything I want to be.”
Despite my laugh, it’s like a knife to my chest that she can pretend like we’re friends.
I swallow, the action forced because I just want to scream at her for all the pain she’s caused me. She’s one of the reasons why I can’t give Raven everything she needs. “I think it’s best for both of us if you walk away before I say something I’m going to regret.”
She doesn’t listen, nothing new, and steps forward to stand near the car I’m bent over replacing a fuel filter on. “I know the break up was hard on both of us but you have to understand where I was coming from.”
With both hands on the fender, I shake my head slowly. “Go, Berkley. Just get the fuck out of here.” My voice is sharp and she knows I’m not fucking around. She needs to leave.
When she does, her heals clicking against the concrete floor, a memory flashes in my head, the night I found out who she really was. It’s also the night I hooked up with Raven but it started with the news where my reality crashed down on me by my mother of all people.
“Why did you break up?”
“She decided she wanted something else, I guess. I’m not sure. She lost the baby and then I came home to her moving out.”
“Berkley was pregnant?”
“Yeah, like a few weeks or something.”
My mother frowns. “Is there any chance that Berkley may have been lying to you about being pregnant?”
“What? No, why would you ask that?”
“Because there’s something you should know.” She shifts her gaze to the kitchen floor which tells me whatever she’s going to tell me is important. “When you were ten and the doctors were finally able to stabilize your epilepsy with the Tegretol, we were so grateful; we really didn’t think about anything but you being able to live a normal life. As you got older and it became obvious that you were going to need to continue taking the medication long-term, the doctors informed us that prolonged exposure to Tegretol had been shown to cause some patients to become sterile. They said it wasn’t a definite but that when you were older, you should get tested.”
She raises her gaze to meet mine and there is a mixture of pain and fear in her eyes. “You may want to go and get tested because there is a good chance that if Berkley was pregnant, the baby was never yours.”
“What? Are you fucking kidding me? Don’t you think that’s something you should have told me before now?” Pissed off, I don’t even think before I grab a glass on the counter and throw it against the wall in the kitchen. Mom jumps at the sound but now she’s staring at me like she doesn’t even know who I am, which seems hilarious since I feel like I don’t know who she is either. “How the hell could you have kept this from me? I get that I didn’t need to know at ten but how come you didn’t tell me when I was older or better yet at some point during my six-year relationship with Berkley. I’m twenty-six now. Fuck. This changes everything about me and relationships I have with women.”
Mom rolls her eyes, not seeing the significance behind my words. “It doesn’t have to change anything, Tyler. I get that you’re upset but please calm down.”
I laugh. Calm? Is she serious?
My dad walks in, having heard the glass breaking and stares at me, his stone-cold blue eyes narrowing. “What’s going on?”
“Did you know about this?”
Mom gives him a look. “I told Tyler….”
So he knew. He fucking knew too. My own father, a man himself wouldn’t think to tell me something like this?
“You fucking knew and didn’t think to tell me?” I wave my hand around in front of them. “I’m your only son and no time in the last sixteen years did you think it would be a good idea to tell me that I’ve been taking seizure medication that probably made me sterile? You didn’t think it would be a good idea to tell me I could never have children?”
Mom chokes back emotions and stands, reaching out to me but I back up near the door holding my hands up. She’s the last person I want comfort from. “Tyler, honey, you don’t know what it’s like to watch your child suffer day after day. To be so afraid for their safety that you insist they are never alone in a room because what if he has a seizure and falls and hits his head or chokes.”
I can imagine how scary it must have been for her, I can, but it changes nothing. My mom’s voice filters my thoughts, distancing me from the past and back to the present. “The fear is so consuming that you begin to feel hopeless because what if the doctors never find a cure, or what if we aren’t doing enough to help you? God, Tyler, you have to understand that when we finally found a medication that worked. It felt like we’d been given a miracle. At the time, we didn’t care a
bout anything but making sure you had as normal a life as possible. We weren’t focused on ten years from now. We were focused on ten days from now. As time went on and you stabilized to the point you could live like a normal child again, we rejoiced in the victory and put the risks in the back of our mind. The last thing we wanted to do was take your future away from you but I’ll never regret putting you on it. It saved you.”
Normal. Fucking normal. Words I desperately wanted to be but now knew I never would. It’s not even all about the medicine; it’s about them not telling me and basically finding out Berkley cheated on me and had no intention of even telling me.
“Damn it, Mom. It’s not about the fucking medicine!” I shout, only to have my dad glare, his silent way of letting me know I’ve crossed the line yelling at my mother, but they crossed the line and that’s all I see. “It’s about you keeping this from me for sixteen goddamn years. I can’t have a family! Do you have any idea what that feels like?”
“Tyler.”
My throat threatens to close, my pulse soaring. “No. You don’t get to say anything else.” I storm toward the front door but turn one more time to see both my parents standing in the living room looking at me with apprehension.
“I can’t be here right now. Honestly, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to be here again.”
I’d walked out of my parents’ house after those words, slammed the door and headed to Murphy’s where I’d began my quest to give myself liver damage and sleep with Raven. Honestly, deciding to take Raven home with me that night was a decision I will never regret. Those six months with her before feelings started fucking everything up, made pushing the shit my parents had dumped on me that day into the back of my mind possible.
AFTER WORK, I head straight to Murphy’s bar. I know I’m going to potentially run into Berkley, which would not be a good thing considering I would like to punch her for being a lying, cheating bitch but she’s a waitress here sometimes, and I need a fucking drink in a bad way.