by Shey Stahl
I don’t know about her choices, but I do know I’m in love with her. I have feelings for her that run deeper than friends do. I can’t say it started out that way. It didn’t for me. I honestly went into this intending to forget about all the shit in my life. But it was bound to happen eventually and I think I knew that risk going into it. Still didn’t stop me from doing it.
What I’ve been denying? Loving her is as automatic as breathing. Every inhale, I fall deeper. Every exhale, it goes deeper, wrapping itself around every part of my being. I couldn’t stop it even if I wanted to.
After Lenny leaves, Red comes upstairs. I decide then I’m not telling him about the no-fathering children thing. I already told Lenny and I don’t feel like discussing it with Red.
He sits down at the table. “I don’t mind that you kicked his ass, because let’s face it, he needed it. But what the hell was that?”
I don’t have an answer for him. Instead, I slide the bottle of whiskey over to him.
He shakes his head. “I still have work to do. Explain.”
“I don’t even know what happened down there. It just got heated. I’m not even sure we were even mad at each other, or just everything else.” Rawley pissed me off. He did. But at some point while we were throwing punches, I begin to think it had nothing to do with him. It was just a way to get some of that aggression out.
Red eyes the whiskey, and then me. “You and Raven okay?”
“We’re….” I draw in a shaking breath. “I don’t know what we are. She wants more than friends and I don’t know if I can give that right now.”
He waits for me to say more and when I don’t he asks, “Because of Berkley?”
“I just… I can’t do that again.” I know it’s a blanket response but I leave it at that for a reason.
“So what… did you knock my sister up or something?” He’s teasing. I know he is because if he thought I got Raven pregnant, he’d probably hit me again.
“No. That’s the least of your worries with me.”
Thankfully, he doesn’t catch on.
It’s my winter break. Fucking winter break before I see Tyler again. Given, it’s only been like a week and a half, but still. When you’re waiting on someone to call or text, that’s like waiting months.
I think he senses when I’m home Friday night, or he just knows because the day I get back to Lebanon for Christmas break he texts me as I’m walking through the door at my mom’s house.
Sighing, I sit down on the couch, the lights of the Christmas tree shining in the dimly lit room. In the distance, I can hear Rawley’s music blaring upstairs and the shower running which means he’s home too.
Tyler: Pizza?
I stare at the message for about three minutes and then reply. Me: No.
Tyler: Please…
Fuck, why does he have to say please?
Because he knows you and manners with men are your weakness.
Me: Why?
Tyler: Because.
Groaning, I drag myself off the couch. Now I’m curious what he wants. It’s the obsessive compulsive side of me that has to find an answer when there may not be one. It’s the same part of me that reads the ending of a book because I can’t stand not knowing how something’s going to end.
Me: Fine. But you’re buying.
Tyler: Meet me there at 7.
Damn you, Tyler!
Looking down at my sweat pants and hoodie, I decide to at least put some jeans on. Upstairs, Rawley’s coming out of the bathroom with a towel around his waist. He looks at me and then grabs the edge of his towel. “What are you doing here?”
I walk past him to my room. “I live here too.” But then I remember what a dick he was at Thanksgiving. “I know you’ve been upset lately but you better not be mean to Mom on Christmas.”
He snorts and leans into the door frame of my room, his arms crossed over his chest and I’m fucking praying that towel stays around his waist. “Whatever, Raven. Don’t come home on the weekends and act like you know what goes on here during the week.”
He’s right. I don’t know what goes on during the week but I do know about his fight with Tyler because Lenny told me and I’m curious as to what happened. “Why’d you get in a fight with Tyler?”
Rawley shrugs and steps back. “Ask him.” And then he turns around and slams the door to his room.
After changing, I walk downstairs. Mom’s standing in the kitchen with a glass of wine in one hand and a cookie in the other, crumbs on her shirt. “Oh, hey, you’re home. Yay.”
I laugh. She’s drunk but I find it cute when she’s a bit tipsy. “Are you okay?”
“I’m good. Just enjoying a glass of wine.”
I stare at the counter. “Or the bottle.”
Her shoulders slump forward. “You’re Aunt Carol’s in the bathroom. I didn’t drink all of that.”
Aunt Carol comes around the corner, her own glass of wine in her hand. “Don’t let her fool you, Raven. She drank most of that.”
I laugh. “I don’t doubt that. I get it from her. Anyway”—I nod over my shoulder—“I’m heading out to have pizza with Tyler.”
“Okay, be safe!” Mom yells when I’m at the door.
I GET TO the pizza joint fifteen minutes later than I told him. Mostly because it’s icy out and also, I wanted him to stress a little, thinking I wasn’t coming.
Walking inside, I see him sitting in the back corner in a booth. He looks a bit nervous. I’m sure he’s wondering how pissed off I am because I haven’t heard from him in the last week. I can’t be all that upset with him because I didn’t call him either. He was right; my drama is too much for him and as much as I don’t want to admit it, Tyler and I aren’t meant to be right now. Maybe that’s why I agreed to meet with him. Maybe I need to tell him this should be the end of whatever this is between us.
Taking a seat in the booth, I relax against the leather and watch as he inhales a breath, preparing to speak. “You hungry?” he asks, spinning the pie plate to me. I notice he’s ordered my favorite, pepperoni and pineapple.
“Yes, I am.” I nod, taking a slice of pizza and placing it on the plate in front of me.
It’s about five minutes of silence before I catch him staring at me, a grin tugging at the corner of his lips.
“What?” I ask before taking another bite of pizza, wondering why he’s smiling at me.
Tyler full-on smiles. “You got sauce on your face.”
I notice I have it on my thumb too so I lick it off and moan just because.
His head falls forward on to the table dramatically.
“What?”
He peeks up at me with just his eyes, the rest of his head hidden by his forearm. “You’re teasing me.”
“You’re such a guy. How am I teasing you?”
He chuckles. “You’re making it look illicit.”
“It’s not my fault your mind is always dirty.”
Sitting up as we both laugh, he reaches one hand across the table, his long fingers passing over mine.
I pull my hand away, trying to hold my ground. The things he said to me were hurtful and I can’t believe he’d think I would just fall right back into this trap.
“I missed you,” he says. It’s becoming a habit. Piss me off, flirt, tell me he misses me and then fuck me in the bathroom. I’m certainly not fucking him in this bathroom though. No way. I give the dingy pizza joint a glance.
Nope. Not happening in here.
He’s comfortably slouched in the booth where we’re sitting, his long arm draped over the back of the seat. The neon lights of the pizza sign above his head bathe his dark hair with a glow, and there’s a small smile playing on his lips. I literally want to jump across the booth and hump him. But I don’t.
“I’m not some girl you can fuck around with and then she’s there waiting for you when you’re ready,” I tell him. “I’m better than this, Tyler. I’m not going to have sex with you this time.”
He’s taking a drink of
his beer when I say that, about the time a waiter walks by too so Tyler naturally chokes on the drink he’d just taken.
“Sorry,” I mumble, my cheeks flushing.
“I agree.”
I blink, twice. “What?”
“You’ve never been a girl I can fuck and walk away from, despite my behavior. Don’t you see that?” His brow twists. “That’s why I’m here. I can’t not want you.”
Is he serious?
“What do you mean you can’t not want me? What about my drama? I told you what I wanted and you slammed a door in my face. It’s too late for us. I came here because I think we need to stop whatever this is between us.”
He’s shocked by that. Maybe it’s the too late words, but still, he seems a bit shocked. “Don’t say that. It’s not too late.” He shakes his head, his eyes intent on mine. “It can’t be. I’m sorry for what I said. I didn’t mean it, Raven.”
I cross my arms over my chest, only because it makes me appear more intimidating. “You’re telling me you didn’t mean anything you said that day?”
He considers his words and then says, “At the time I thought I did, but now I realize I was scared of my feelings for you so I didn’t say what I wanted to say.” I say nothing in reply.
Tyler then stiffens a bit, taking a sharp breath. But he lets it out easily and asks, “Raven, why are you really doing this?” His blue eyes meet mine, waiting on an answer.
I grimace. “Because, I have to protect my heart. You broke it and for once, I’m putting me first. I deserve more than what you and Holden put me through.” I don’t offer anything else.
“You can’t compare me to him,” he mumbles, his voice like gravel ripping my wounds open.
“You’re right, I shouldn’t. Because our relationship was completely different. But I practically begged you to love me. In the end you both made me doubt my self-worth.”
Tyler leans closer to me in the booth. His voice is almost a whisper it’s so soft. “I’m sorry I made you feel that way. I swear I didn’t mean to hurt you. I just… I don’t know what I’m doing or how to make this right with you.” The apology in his voice is enough to make me forgive him, but I don’t. I’m not sure I know how to.
My breathing slows. The idea of us falling back into this trap makes my stomach hollow out but what if we’re not falling back into anything and he’s giving me what I want?
“Raven....” His throat works on a swallow. “Please.” His thick lashes lower, hiding his eyes from me. His broad chest lifts and falls as he slows his breathing, getting control. He swallows hard and winces as though he’s experiencing actual physical pain. “I want more… with you. You’re not the kind of girl someone casually sleeps around with. I know that now. You’re the kind of girl you take home to your parents and marry and I’m sorry for making you think otherwise.”
My body tenses, and I stare at him with wide eyes. Pain resides there, and a sort of longing to let this be true, but damn, did he just use the words me and marry in the same sentence?
He chuckles. “I don’t mean right now. I’m just saying I want you and it’s a problem for me because you don’t seem to feel that way any longer. I get where you’re coming from but if you think this is just me wanting to get back to sleeping with you, it’s not. I want to be with you. All in. Love and all that shit.”
Is he fucking serious? Tyler Hemming wants me more than just friends who fuck?
Why would he want that? I mean, he told me in not so many words I wasn’t worth the drama. Okay, well, he didn’t say that but he sure as shit made me feel that way.
Tyler holds my gaze for another second then clears his throat. “Uh… you shouldn’t have to think about it this long.” And then he gives me a smile.
Returning his smile, I lean back in my seat. “I just don’t know how to answer that.” I’m thinking and it’s probably not what he was expecting me to say. I mean look at Tyler… most would probably drool over the chance to even have pizza with him, let alone be asked to consider more than pizza and being his fuck buddy. What gives? Why the change of heart?
Seeming annoyed with my lack of response, Tyler’s gaze slides away and he takes an extra-big bite of his pizza. “Never mind,” he mutters around a mouthful and rolls his eyes.
Okay, that pisses me off.
And I choke on my drink. “Don’t say that to me and then say never mind because I don’t jump at the chance,” I say when I can breathe again.
Tyler just shrugs. I’ve hurt his feelings but damn it, he’s fucking hurt mine too!
“How the hell did you expect me to answer?”
He slouches down further in his seat. “Maybe at least consider it.”
“Why?” I squeak. “Why now?”
And he fiddles with his napkin before reaching for his beer. “Why is it so hard for you to believe I want something more than sex?”
Is he for real?
“Uh, because you told me numerous times you couldn’t and wouldn’t fall in love with me. You said you weren’t in a place to fall in love and I believed you. For six months I begged you for more and you made it clear I wasn’t what you wanted. Excuse me if I’m a little confused here. The last time I looked, I’m still six years younger than you. I’m still your best friend’s little sister. I’m still in college with college drama. Still have all the same things in my life that you said you didn’t want. So I have to ask, what’s really changed? Does this have to do with your fight with Rawley?”
He scowls as if I slapped him with my words and says, “Berkley kissed me.”
What? It takes me a moment to process that one, mostly because I want to cunt punch Berkley for kissing him. And then why would he tell me? Is he trying to hurt me? Make me feel bad about myself?
“Good for you then….” It’s the only thing I can think to say.
Tyler nods, and I take a breath, my insides suddenly shaky and cold because his eyes have a coldness to them. “She wasn’t you,” he snaps, flopping his hand up and then smacking it against the table, his voice full of remorse.
Stumped by his sudden onset of anger, I stare, the air around me cooling. “Okay.”
He clearly thinks I’m judging him—he scowls, his hands curling into fists on the table. He stares stoically at me. “She fucking wasn’t you and it made me sick to my stomach that I was fighting my feelings so much. I want you and it’s fucking misery. I didn’t sleep with you because I thought you were easy or I wanted to fuck you for a summer. You’re better than that and it sucks that it took me so long to get here but you know what also sucks? That you’re letting your idea of what you deserve stop you from the reality of you actually having it.” He laughs, but it isn’t amused. No, not at all. His jaw tenses. “I mean, Jesus Christ, Raven, I’m a fucking man not some college frat boy and I’m asking you for more… with me.”
I want to rip out his tongue. We’re back to my drama and exactly why I need to end this with him.
More? Of course, it’s no secret, I desperately want more but at what cost to my heart? I don’t miss that he brings up a college frat boy either. It’s a hit to my chest because it just proves my damn point that he doesn’t want what’s in my life.
Wiping my hands on a napkin, I wipe the condensation from the glass and then take a long drink of ice tea, half tempted to spit it in his face. “I don’t think we should see each other anymore. I’m only home for a few weeks and then I need to get back to my college drama.”
Absolute silence greets me. Tyler frowns as if he hasn’t heard me, but then his chest lifts on a breath and he clears his throat when I stand from the booth. “You’re leaving?”
“Yeah.”
The neon green light hits the side of his face, highlighting the strong lines of his nose and jaw as he turns to look out the window. The curve of his lower lip plumps before he presses his mouth into a line.
He regards me silently and then nods, not looking at me but at the empty beer in front of him. He gives himself a little shake, then l
ifts his head. And then he stands and brushes past me.
I’m somewhat stunned by everything that was said, and in a way, relieved. I think it’s obvious where we stand and while it hurts to know I caused Tyler pain, at least he knows I’m not going to be his toy any longer.
The cool crisp night takes my breath as I walk out of the restaurant. I can’t believe I just ended things with him for good.
If you ask me to name the one holiday I despise more than all the rest I wouldn’t hesitate when answering, Valentine’s Day. I fucking hate Valentine’s Day. This year though, I would have to say there’s one higher on that list, Christmas.
It’s not that Christmas holds any horrible experiences or memories. Just the opposite actually. This time of year was always a great time in my house. But with my dad being gone and Rawley being a royal fucking shit who refuses to celebrate, it makes it hard to enjoy. It seems this year Christmas serves only one purpose: to remind me my life is like a damn train wreck. I want to close my eyes and wake up after New Year’s.
Oh, and Tyler didn’t exactly make it any easier. Fucker sent me flowers. On Christmas. Nice gesture, huh? Well it was, but unfortunately, it only sent me into tears because damn it, my heart still wants him, still, despite what my head tells me.
After spending the morning with my mom visiting my dad’s grave, and then Nevaeh’s with Nova, Red and Lenny, needless to say I’m a bit emotional.
“Is this hard for you?” I ask Lenny when she steps back away from Nevaeh’s grave and gives Red and Nova a chance to talk to her alone. We’re both crying now.
She considers this for a moment and then shrugs. “No. I mean, she was his first love. And Nova’s mom. As much as I love them and want to be a part of their lives, I’d give anything for them to have never gone through losing her.”
I’m crying and wrap my arm around Lenny’s shoulder. “Jesus, you’re too good to be true.”
She laughs, kissing my cheek. “So, how’s Tyler?”
I side-eye her. “Not awesome. It’s complicated. Like Da Vinci Code complicated.”
Truth is, complicated isn’t even the right word. More like shitstorm.