Fatima
Mighty fine, truly! You, the lord and master revel and revel as long as there is a zecchin in the house. I keep silence out of mere tenderness; eat with you out of connubial fidelity; and how do you reward me for both! Why, instead of cursing your own palate you must clamour at my poor poetical talent. Truly you deserve to lose also the only jewel that you can yet call your own.
Abu Hassan
What! Have I yet a jewel left? My dearest Fatima, let me embrace thee, and then run with it, my dear girl, to the pawn broker’s!
Fatima
Thou shameless spendthrift! What! — wouldst thou sell even the wife of thy bosom?
Abu Hassan
Oh! What then! You, you are the jewel you talk of! In truth you are the only one that is likely to remain on hand, for since a wife can’t be set in a ring like any other jewel, I fear I should find but a bad market for you at the Jewellers.
Fatima
Aye, and yet there are folks that are ready at any moment to lay all their wealth at my feet.
Abu Hassan
Golden Fatima! What! Will anyone lay his wealth at thy feet? Let him — I beseech you, let him, my girl. By the head of the prophet I swear to thee it shall not be there long. But speak, who is the scoundrel that would make you untrue to me — and the fine fellow that would pay thy untruth so royally?
Fatima
A man who had already a sneaking kindness for me before the unlucky moment that Zobeide gave my hand to a certain Abu Hassan. In one word, it’s Omar, the Caliph’s humble banker, and Abu Hassan’s overbearing creditor.
Abu Hassan
Omar? Impossible! What! Can a usurer love women more than money?
Fatima
If you will not believe me, at least believe this letter, which he ordered a slave to slip into my hands a few days since, as I went to the bath.
Abu Hassan
(Reads)
“Fairest Fatima! My heart burns with love for you. Extinguish these consuming flames, and take command over all my treasures. All that I possess is thine, and happy should I think myself if thou permittedst thy slave to kiss the dust beneath thy feet. — OMAR.”
Fatima
Do you still doubt?
Abu Hassan
And what answer hast thou sent him?
Fatima
That I abhorred him; and that if he dared again to make his audacious proposal, my protectress, the Sultana Zobeide, should be instantly informed of it.
Abu Hassan
Do not take it amiss of me, my very good little woman; but truly this speech hardly became a wife who had nothing to set before her husband but bread and water.
Fatima
Do you speak seriously? What! Shall I sell my honour?
Abu Hassan
By no means — though thou might’st have led the would-be purchaser a little by the nose, both to thine and mine advantage; and through a little cleverness thou might’st have spared my poor head a vast deal of hard and fruitless labour; for I assure thee, in spite of the exertions of all my five senses, I cannot discover the art of making gold.
Fatima
And yet there is no one to whom it is more indispensable; for no one knows how to squander it more readily. My heart bleeds when I remember the costly marriage gifts of the Caliph and his spouse, that have vanished almost sooner than your love.
Abu Hassan
Don’t talk of things that we have had; but help me to think of some means by which we may supply their loss. (After a moment’s reflection) — Do you think of nothing? What! Shall a man’s wit for once triumph over a woman’s in devising stratagems? Now make up your mind on the spot to die; and you will make me the happiest of husbands, and thyself the happiest of wives!
Fatima
Are you in your senses? I die! What a request!
Abu Hassan
Shame on thee! Hast thou forgotten that chaste Lucretia, and the unchaste Sappho who both killed themselves for mere trifles? And do I desire that thou shouldst plunge a dagger into thy bosom, or jump from the top of a precipice? No. I only ask thee to assume the mask of death; and I hope the mummery will bring thee more profit than fifth acts of twenty tragedies, wherein twenty times as many heroes and heroines give up their mighty souls.
Fatima
Oh that’s quite another thing. A theatrical death gives me as much pleasure as a real one is my abhorrence.
Abu Hassan
Good! However, now I think of it, our joke would be more complete and help our circumstances more certainly if we both die; and as in cases of real death it is commonly the wife that first buries the husband, so it is best that I begin. Look upon me therefore as a dead person. Howl and cry somewhat more than if I were really dead; tear thy garments — pluck out thy hair —
Fatima
Why so? — Nay, nay!
Abu Hassan
At least seem to pluck it out, and hasten with dishevelled hair and streaming eyes to thy powerful patroness.
Fatima
I cannot as yet understand for the life of me what this juggling is to lead to.
Abu Hassan
Therefore let me expound. Zobeide, when she understands the cause of thy distress, will sympathize with thee in true good-heartedness; and, according to custom, will give thee a sum of money for funeral expenses and a piece of brocade for a winding sheet. As soon as you return with your booty I will play the same part with the Caliph, and hope to find him no less free-handed than you will his spouse.
Fatima
(Puts her dress in disorder)
Adieu, my dear dead husband! I hope soon to see you awakened to a better life.
(Exit through door in flat)
ACT I, SCENE II
Abu Hassan
(Alone)
(During the following speech he clears away the table)
The farce is begun; now fortune favour us that Zobeide may a second time shake over us the horn of plenty. Fifty gold-pieces will she give Fatima for certain. Even so much will I get from the Caliph — together one hundred bright gold-pieces! By the great prophet, I’ll not have my good luck unenjoyed. But how to manage that I may spend the little yellow shiners like a good fellow. —
I’ll give a fête champêtre,
With song and dance first rate, Sir;
The foremost place shall my little wife have,
A chaplet gay her brow adorning,
And smiling like a bright
May morning,
The empress of the feast appear.
Ho! Slaves there! — bring wine,
Then scatter roses in,
And with her purple lip (sweet)
Shall first Fatima sip (it).
So! Set the goblet here! —
Now dearest, to our welfare —
And that it long may tell fair,
Drink I this goblet clear.
Today’s the time for singing,
Therefore the guitars bring in, —
Quick! quick! and do not stay,
Though piping, singing, laughing,
And jolly goblets quaffing
We while dull life away.
Oh Fatima, my dearest,
Who to me so tender art,
Love devoting, joys delighting,
Care no more my bosom fills.
Around now my darling to light moving measure;
Come dancing with bright eyes all sparkling with pleasure.
Fine! Bravo! — Surpassing!
She trips now more near
And shyly she gives a sweet kiss to her dear —
Though should our project founder —
Why, what cares she or I?
(A noise at the centre door)
Who’s there?
ACT I, SCENE III
OMAR APPEARS AT THE HEAD OF ABU HASSAN’S CREDITORS
Abu Hassan
Ah, here comes that cursed dun-visaged fellow, Omar. The devil take him, that he must pop in just at this moment to wake me out of my delightful dre
am!
Omar
Do you not know me, Abu Hassan?
Abu Hassan
Since you call me by name, it is pretty clear that at least you know me.
Omar
Will you pay me?
Abu Hassan
Pah! Pay! What a cursed unsympathetic phrase! I wish to Allah the Caliph would have it struck out of the language. But who are these at your heels?
Omar
Your creditors. We have had a meeting, and are decided — all of us — not to wait any longer.
Creditors
Yes, that’s what we are!
Abu Hassan
Softly! Softly! Egad, the whole pack is in excellent unison! You don’t mean to hunt me down, do you? Harkee! (to Omar) A little patience. Keep off your hounds from my haunches. The money you shall have, as soon as I can get it — that is to say, if not the whole, at least a part of your demand.
Omar
We are not to be put off any longer; we’ll have the whole.
Creditors
Aye, the whole — the whole!
Abu Hassan
You’re cursed unanimous. ‘S-blood! this concord among creditors makes confounded bad music. Is this all your gratitude for the patronage of a man of my fashion?’S-death! Are you not content with my custom, but you must have my money into the bargain?
Creditors
Aye, aye! The money! We’ll have our money — the cash down!
Abu Hassan
Well, well — if you will be so unreasonable, I must try what I can do to appease you. My wife has just gone to the Sultana to procure a sum of money from her. As soon as she returns I shall go for the same purpose to the Caliph.
Omar
These are mere evasions! If the Caliph was disposed to give you money he would have done so long since.
Abu Hassan
My honest friend, it is damned uncivil in you to doubt my word. However, I was sure it would be so, because Fatima maintained the very contrary this morning.
Omar
(Interested)
Fatima? — What did she say then?
Abu Hassan
She praised your generosity and kindness.
Omar
Yes, I am generous — or at least I can be so.
Abu Hassan
Well, show it then —
Omar
Ah, but if I would wait, these would not.
Creditors
No, no — we’ll wait no longer!
Omar
There, you hear — they are determined to throw you into prison.
Abu Hassan
Fatima desired me to entreat you —
Omar
Indeed!
Abu Hassan
Most earnestly; she implored me most pressingly to tell you so.
Omar
What can I do?
Abu Hassan
Everything!
Omar
What do you want then?
Abu Hassan
Longer credit.
Chorus of Creditors
Cash! Cash! Cash!
We will no longer linger,
But will the money finger,
Before you go to smash.
Abu Hassan
Have patience; only one more day — only till evening. Sure that’s nothing to ask.
Chorus of Creditors
No! No! No!
Your note of hand is out, Sir,
And I must without doubt, Sir,
The first of all be paid.
Abu Hassan
But look you now, my exceedingly worthy gentlemen, that is just the damndest difficulty in the world — that I cannot pay you all first — and yet Mahomet forbid that I should show partiality and pay any one before the others. — Omar, most gentle-hearted of all Bankers, do render me some assistance.
Omar
Not for any love of you; but for the sake of Fatima —
Abu Hassan
Aye, aye — for Fatima’s sake, be it.
Omar
Poor woman — my heart bleeds for her, that your thoughtlessness makes her so unhappy.
Abu Hassan
Well, don’t let your heart content itself with mere bleeding — (aside) Egad, I’ll make your purse bleed too, you rogue, before I’ve done with you.
Omar
(To the Creditors)
Come with me to my house and I’ll satisfy your demands. Are you contented?
Chorus of Creditors
Aye! Aye! Aye!
Omar
(To Abu Hassan)
And you too are contented?
Abu Hassan
Aye! Aye! Aye! And you?
Omar
Aye! Aye! Aye!
I am right well contented; (Aside) — And she right well intended Slyly to sneak back here.
Abu Hassan
(Aside) — The scoundrel shall repent it, That ever he has meant it, To tamper with my dear.
Chorus of Creditors
We all are well contented; And so, our fears all ended, We take ourselves off clear.
(Omar and the Creditors retire through centre door)
ACT I, SCENE IV
Abu Hassan
(Alone)
Thanks to the great prophet, I have got rid of this rabble rout of creditors at such a cheap rate. The unreasonable wretches made a demand on me for goods the receipt of which is lost in remote antiquity. Egad, they have been long worn out, not merely from my back, but from my memory. I wonder how such men can have the conscience to worry a gentleman for payment for things so long after he has ceased to enjoy them. Of all animals that infest the world I hate duns! They are the natural enemies of all good fellows. I wish the whole race was extinct — I’d have nothing in this world but giving and lending and spending — to ask for pay should be a capital crime — and all notorious duns should be hanged in chains.
ENTER FATIMA THROUGH CENTRE DOOR
Fatima
Your humble servant, my dear corpse; and how have matters gone with you since your death?
Abu Hassan
Oh lady, lady — I’ve not only been dead but damned into the bargain. I’ve been most hideously tormented — a whole legion of imps have been let loose on me.
Fatima
What do you mean?
Abu Hassan
Creditors! Creditors! — The worst of all torments — led by that arch-fiend Omar. S’blood! If these plagues are to follow a man into the other world, a fine gentleman will literally be but a poor devil after all.
Fatima
And how did you manage to get rid of the gang?
Abu Hassan
How? Why, I paid them to be gone.
Fatima
What! Without money?
Abu Hassan
Certainly. — Where’s the use of having wit if it is not to supply the place of money? Any blockhead can pay with money; but give me the man of talents that can pay with the coinage of his brain. Though I must confess, you aided me in appeasing the monsters.
Fatima
I! In what manner?
Abu Hassan
Oh forsooth! — the very thoughts of thy pretty face, and the hope of thy smiles had as soothing an effect on the heart of old Omar as though he had heard the sound of my money ringing upon his counter.
Fatima
But how were they brought to bear upon him?
Abu Hassan
Why, I told him you had praised his generosity, and had begged me to cast myself upon it.
Fatima
And you carried your point in an instant?
Abu Hassan
Gloriously! The old sinner laughed in his sleeve — leered with such a licquorish glance, that I could have cut his throat — took all the creditors home with him, and while we are now talking of it he is paying all my debts.
Fatima
There! Now say that I am not a jewel indeed, when you can raise money even upon the sight of me. See how much others are ready to give for the very hope of tho
se smiles which are lavished on you in vain.
Abu Hassan
Very true, very fine — but in the meantime, my own dear little wife, never think of carrying your smiles to market yourself. Let me at least have the pawning of them. — But come, let’s hear your story.
Fatima
Here you have a little foretaste of it in the clink of these hundred gold pieces. (Clinks a purse at his ear).
Abu Hassan
A hundred! Charming sound!
Fatima
Zobeide heard my lamentations at a distance and came to meet me at the door of the antechamber. What has happened to you, said she? Ah, cried I with broken voice, what greater misfortune could happen to me than the loss of my beloved husband? Yes, dearest protectress, Abu Hassan, the poor Abu Hassan, he whom your majesty honoured with your favour and made happy with my hand — Abu Hassan is no more. He is dead — he is dead!
Abu Hassan
Complete Fictional Works of Washington Irving (Illustrated) Page 224