by Robin Leaf
“There you go, Handsome.” She smiled up at me and winked. “All set.” She turned me around by the elbow and guided me past Jake toward the door. “Raul has your song cued up and ready to go after Miss Ho-My-God-Please-Stop-Singing is done.” I laughed. She was an oddly calming presence to me. Once we got to the end of the hall, she faced me and straightened my tie and smoothed out my jacket. “Now, you wait here for a minute while I set things in motion.” She smiled again. “Oh, she’s such a lucky girl!”
I watched her flit around the room, cuing the people to deliver the handwritten notes on small floral cards sealed in envelopes I provided to her. Each person got up and moved toward Raul to pick up a rose, and then toward Etta, hopefully going in order. I watched her reactions from the side of the stage as she opened and read each note.
Note number one: For the first time I saw you.
The first note made her tilt her head and lower her eyebrows in confusion. She brought the rose to her nose and glanced around the room quickly, but the second rose and note came before she could see anyone.
Note two: For easily being tricked into taping my ankle twice so I could flirt with you.
This one made her cover her open mouth. The third was delivered.
Note three: For what should have been my kiss.
She dropped her hand and furrowed her brow, but she smiled. The fourth delivery came quickly.
Note four: For always sharing your ice cream.
She shook her head and looked around, probably searching for me, but the fifth interrupted her search.
Note five: For helping me during Dad’s death.
Her smile became sad and longing. Cue the next delivery.
Note six: For helping me pass my statistics class.
She nodded her head and laughed and looked up for the number seven.
Note seven: For breaking up with David.
She smirked that sexy smirk and stared at the card for a few moments, seemingly wistful. She broke her reverie to accept number eight.
Note eight: For moving in with me.
Her eyes shined, and she began blinking rapidly. She turned to Emily, who smiled conspiratorially at her. Before she could open her mouth, the ninth was handed to her.
Note nine: For being the perfect roommate.
She dropped her eyes momentarily. I saw her mouth, what is he doing? Josh actually handed her the tenth, which kind of pissed me off a little.
Note ten: For dreaming.
She blushed from her neck to her hairline. She startled and turned the card face down on the table to accept the next one.
Note eleven: For your amazingly beautiful and expressive eyes.
I missed her reaction to this one because I moved on to the stage.
Raul pointed to me, and the lights came up. Etta’s mouth dropped. I started to sing, waiting for the music to back me up before going further. She recognized Otis Redding’s “I’ve Been Loving You Too Long.” The reaction of the crowd to seeing me dressed up, singing a love song to Etta, would have been encouraging if I hadn’t been focused on what I felt was the perfect song to reflect my feelings. Yeah, it was a song about begging a woman not to leave, but I slightly modified some of the lyrics to fit our situation. Plus, I chose this song because it was also performed by Etta James, so it made it even more perfect.
Tears spilled over her cheeks, but her expression was not easily readable, since so many emotions played on her face at once. I recognized shock, disbelief and confusion, but was that awe? There were several others that flashed, then her mouth dropped again and her face seemed to go blank. She watched me sing, mouth open, tears falling, for more than half the song. I stepped off stage, kneeling in front of her on one knee, handing her my rose with my note, and was just about to sing the actual “I love you” lyric to her, when she stood up with such force, her chair crashed to the floor.
No mistaking this emotion. Anger. She radiated complete and total ire. She shook her head violently. “No! Don’t you dare,” she scornfully whispered, and she ran through the crowd.
I handed Emily the microphone and chased after her, out the front door into the freezing, pouring rain.
I searched the parking lot, listening for splashing footsteps. I heard them come from about a hundred feet away and took off in that direction. She had dropped her keys behind her car allowing me to catch up to her. She quickly grabbed them and rounded the car in a flash to the driver’s side. I caught her right wrist before she could unlock her door.
Even with my hand locked around her wrist, she whipped her right elbow around so quickly, I stumbled backward, and luckily she narrowly missed connecting with my chin. I caught a hold of her other wrist, and I used her momentum to back her up against her car, pinning her legs with mine so she couldn’t bring her knees up to do any damage.
Her hair was soaked and dripping in her face. Her makeup ran from her steely blue eyes, and she snarled at me. Her hot breath steamed from her nose in the cold, wet air, making her look a little feral.
“Let. Go,” she growled through clenched teeth.
I took a deep breath in an attempt to alleviate my welling anger. “No.” Her face fell slightly and her eyes darted away from mine. For a brief moment, she showed fear, but I was too focused to remember why. “Not until you tell me why you ran.”
She whipped her head back to mine defiantly. “Let. Me. Go!” she roared, panic flashing in her anger.
Guilt settled over me at the memory of her pinned against the wall in Doyle’s almost two years ago. I dropped her hands and backed away. She turned quickly and put her key in her car door.
“Etta, don’t…”
She turned so fast, I ducked, afraid she would swing. Instead, she thrust her finger in my chest.
“Why tonight? Huh? Why?” she roared. She looked down at her feet and shook her head. “No! You don’t get to do this to me, Nathaniel,” she spat out, backing me up.
“But I was trying to tell you that I…”
“No! You don’t.” She shoved me, then raked her hands roughly through her hair, forgetting or not caring that it was up. “You’re fucking leaving tomorrow!” She yelled. Throwing her hands up, she continued, walking toward me with what seemed like lethal intent, but her voice lowered do a dead calm. “How do you think this looks, Nathaniel? How did you think this would go? Huh? Did you think I would swoon in a puddle at your feet? Declare my feelings? Get me all softened up so you could have one last good night in Houston before you left to pursue your dream and leave me behind?” She shook her head. “No! You can go fuck yourself,” she venomously declared, “because that won’t be happening.” She stomped back to her car and finally unlocked her door. She turned and faced me before she got in. I saw her face soften momentarily before the icy-blue steel in her eyes returned. “I will not be one of your conquests or one of your agreed-to, one-night arrangements.”
I moved forward, reaching for her. “You aren’t, Etta. I would never think of you like that. But if you’ll just…”
She pulled away before I could touch her. “There is no but, Nathaniel.” She looked down at the ground before getting in, anger turning to sadness, which visibly enveloped her whole body. “I’m sure you can find someone else to give you the sendoff you want.”
She slammed her door, backed out and squealed out of the parking lot.
I stood there, staring after the long-gone brake lights for an indefinite amount of time. I felt hands pulling at me and didn’t struggle. I allowed them to lead me wherever since my forever just drove away.
Next time I was truly aware of anything, I was in the office of the bar with barely a recollection of moving inside through the crowded room and changing back into my dry clothes. My eyes focused on the clock above the desk. It was after 7:30.
“So,” Chris said softly, “are we going to find her or what?”
I looked around the room and found the concerned looks of Jacob, Emily and Chris awaiting my answer. I ran my hands through my damp hair
considering my options. Chris saw the look on my face and shook his head.
“No, Nate. You know you don’t want to leave things like this.” I met his eyes.
I stood and started pacing. Chris was right. I couldn’t leave things like this, but my emotions were all over the place. I vacillated between angry, hopeful, hurt, and devastated. All the negative feelings swirled around my head and settled in my chest, weighing heavy, threatening to crush my cracked heart.
“Don’t, Nate,” Emily warned. “She feels the same, I swear. You just blindsided her.” She laid her hand on my arm, tugging on me gently. “She needs some time to process this, and once she does, she will see her mistake.”
Emily was right. Etta’s reaction was fueled by her fear. She couldn’t really think I would go through all this trouble just to try to get her in bed. She knew me. She had to know how much she meant to me. Smiling slightly, I tried really hard to focus on the little ounce of hope I felt, playing the evening in my head again. It all fit.
“Okay,” I said, nodding. “Okay. Chris, will you come with me?”
“Yeah. Beth will stay at our place in case she shows up there.”
“Jake, can you and Emily go back to the apartment and call me if she comes home? Tie her down if you have to, but don’t let her leave.”
They smiled at each other. I think I saw Jake blush again. “Sure, Nate.”
Chris and I took off together. Luckily, it had stopped raining. Between calling her cell and leaving messages, we drove everyplace I could think Etta might go. My hope waned with every miss, that is until Beth called around midnight. She just hung up from talking to Etta, who she convinced to go home.
Etta was home.
Fifteen minutes (and twelve thankfully unnoticed broken traffic laws) later, I burst through the door to our apartment, only to be disappointed by her absence.
“You swear she never came home?” I asked, trying to hide my total desperation.
“No, she never did,” Emily answered. Jake had a strange look on his face, but he nodded in agreement.
Emily’s cell rang, and she stepped into Etta’s room to answer it.
“Fuck!” I paced again. “Fine.” I turned toward Jake. “Jake, please take Em to her mom’s. I’ll wait for Etta here.”
“You sure, Nate? I don’t want to leave you alone.”
“I really don’t want her to come home to an audience.” I smiled weakly at my brother and hugged him. “Thanks, Jake, for everything tonight. I’ll see you at Mom’s in the morning.”
Emily bolted out of Etta’s room with a panicked look on her face. “I gotta go home, now. Jake, can you take me?”
Panic rose in my chest. “Is it Etta?” I asked Emily.
She shook her head. “No,” she took a deep breath. “Vanessa’s mother… accident… I gotta… Ness needs me.”
Jake hugged Em to calm her, then he gathered his and Emily’s things and they left, practically running to the car.
I was alone.
I pulled the small box from my pocket, the one no one knew about but me. The hinges creaked and I stared at the glittery promise I planned to make to the girl of my dreams. I snapped it shut and settled on the couch, flipping through the channels to distract me.
I called her cell again, immediately greeted by voicemail.
“Etta, I’m at home. Beth said you’d be here, and I really want to see you.” I sighed. “I have to let you know how much you mean to me.” I choked on the last word. Clearing my throat, I continued. “I really want to tell you something you should already know, Etta. Please just…” I sighed again. “Please just come home.”
She never did.
Twenty Six
December 28, last year
Not thinking about Etta and what happened earlier was difficult, especially since I currently had a glaring reminder panting loudly in my backseat. It suddenly struck me as funny that she named her dog something that rhymed with her brother’s name. I shook it off, wondering what to do now with this beast. Since my first thought was to call Miles, who didn’t answer his phone, I drove home and stared at the dog in my backseat currently drooling all over my leather.
“I guess you can come in,” I said to him. “I’ll try Miles again in a few minutes.”
He bounded out of my car and followed me inside. I fixed him a bowl of water, which he drained, make that splashed, all over my floor, faster than I thought possible. I filled it again, realizing that I had no clue how to care for him. Before I could worry too much about that, my phone rang.
“Miles, thank God you called me back. I need to drop off Giles to your house. Etta left him at the clinic, and I have no clue how to care for him.”
“We’re not home, Nate. We came to see my grandparents in Marble Falls for the weekend.”
“Is Emily at your house? Can you call her for me?”
“No. She went back to L.A. yesterday.”
“Shit.” I paced back and forth, running my hand over my head, and sighed. “I guess I have to call your sister then.”
“Yeah, look, Nate. She has been really sad this last week. She and Emily sort of made up, but she still wasn’t herself at Christmas. Mom tried to get her to come with us this weekend, but she refused.” He paused, clearing his throat. “I don’t want you to say anything to make her more upset,” he warned, trying to sound threatening.
Fuck.
I had to respect the kid for trying to protect his sister, especially from more than 200 miles away.
“I know, kid. I will try not to upset her.” I sighed again. “I just want to return her dog.”
“I’ll call her.”
“No, I’ll do it. Thanks, Miles. Have fun.”
“You’re funny. Fun in old people land where it smells like lavender and farts.”
I chuckled. “Hey, now. Enjoy them while you can. Grandparents don’t live forever.”
“Mine will. My grandmother still teaches hot yoga and will probably live to be a hundred and fifty.”
I chuckled. “Bye, Miles.”
I set my phone down, trying to decide what to do. I looked at Giles, who stood and danced around me. I took that as a sign that he needed to go outside. I picked up my phone and headed out the back with him. After scrolling through my contacts, my thumb hovered over her number, debating whether to hit the call button or chicken out with a text. Chickening out won.
Giles is at my house. I’m going to take a shower, then I’ll bring him to you.
I hit send and set the phone down on the table before I could think too much about the contents of the message. I sat in the chair while Giles ran around the yard, marking every inch with his leg lifted. I watched him explore, seemingly happy to look and sniff around. He wasn’t searching in vain; he found the perfect spot to poop quite ungracefully, and I sat there watching in grossed out fascination. Why, I’m not sure. He bounded over to me, wagging every inch of his body.
“Am I supposed to reward you for defiling my yard?” He plopped his front paws in my lap in answer, so I scratched his belly. “That was disgusting.” Giles drug his tongue up the side of my face. “And that was gross, too.”
My phone vibrated on the table. I lifted the dog off of me, stood and grabbed the phone, not looking at the message just yet. I led Giles back inside, unsure what to do with him while I showered.
Giles took off for the door leading to the garage, knocking Jacob back, pinning him to the door.
“Well, hello, Giles,” Jake crooned in a ridiculous tone, rubbing the dog’s ears. “How did you get here?”
“Etta left him at the clinic, so I brought him home,” I explained. “I’m going to take a shower and take him to Etta’s before heading to Mom’s.”
“Are y’all…?”
“No,” I shook my head. “Not at all.”
That reminded me that I hadn’t checked the message on my phone. I peaked at it, seeing a one word answer as a response.
Ok.
That was it. That’s all she sai
d. Two friggin letters. I’m not quite sure why that bothered me so much, but it did.
“What’s wrong?” Jake asked, genuine concern in his voice.
I shook my head. “Nothing. Will you keep an eye on him while I jump in the shower?”
Jake brought his face to the nose of Giles, earning him a lick in the mouth, which made him sputter. “Oh, gross, but sure, if you hurry. I’m supposed to pick up Ashley at her place in thirty minutes.”
I hurried to my room yelling, “Okay, but you might wanna brush your teeth before you see her.”
I showered quickly and wrapped the towel around my waist, put on deodorant and dropped the towel to put ointment on my tattoo. I searched for the tube but remembered I left the ointment on my bedside table last night. Opening the bathroom door, I felt the charge in the air. I peeked around the corner into my room and saw her standing at the end of my bed, staring at me with wide eyes.
I ducked back in the bathroom, wrapping my towel around me.
“Etta, would you mind waiting in the living room until I get dressed?” I called from the bathroom.
“I’ve seen you in a towel before, Nathaniel,” she said from the doorway. She charged toward me. “This can’t wait.” She jumped at me, grabbing the back of my neck, so that I had no choice but to catch her. She wrapped her legs in a vice grip around my waist so that we were eye to eye. I stumbled back to the counter, turning her around to set her on it. “Oh, shit, I keep forgetting about your knee! Are you okay?”
I shifted my weight to make sure. “Yeah.”
Her face became serious, pinning me with her stormy grey eyes. “I need you to hear me out, and this was the only way I could be sure to get your attention.”
“Well, you definitely have it,” I snapped. “What couldn’t wait until I was dressed?”
“I was stupid, Nathaniel. All these years, I have been a fool.”
“That’s not news, Etta.”
She put her hand over my mouth. “Shut up and let me finish. If you remember, I told you about my first crush?” I nodded. “Well, I didn’t tell you the entire truth. He wasn’t just my first crush. I fell for him, hard. I thought I loved him. No, I did love him. And he told me he loved me. Then, when he kicked me to the curb, he really warped my view of love. He swindled me, actually fucking swindled me, like a true con artist, into giving him something I thought was precious, not just my body, but my heart. He knew the only way I’d sleep with him is if I fell in love with him, so he made it happen. He never loved me. It was just a game to him. I was devastated, so I vowed to not let that happen ever again. I locked up my heart. Tight. I also vowed to stay away from cocky athletes.