When I'm Gone_A heart-wrenching romance story that will make you believe in true love

by Jaxson Kidman

  “You think I give a shit about one table?” she growled at me. “You cannot go out there and represent my restaurant with the way you look.”

  “Jesus,” I said. “I have my hair pulled back.”

  “I want everyone to wear their hair down.”

  “It’s sort of unsanitary to do that, right?” I asked. “I mean, standing over food, what if a piece of hair falls…”

  “Get better shampoo,” Daisy said. “Stop smoking. Eat better food. Take care of your hair.”

  I shook my head. “What? I don’t smoke… and… what?”

  “Are you getting smart with me?”

  “No. I just want to take this food to the table.”

  I inched a step forward and bumped the tray into Daisy. Seriously, I just wanted to do my freaking job. Serve food, smile, make small talk, and then get out of work at a decent enough time to go home and crash for a couple of days of sleep. It was the simplicity of my life that I showed off to mask everything hidden under it.

  Daisy smiled and put her hands on her hips.

  She was still blocking my way and I felt like dumping the tray of food onto her and quitting. That was everyone’s dream, right? Having a really good quitting story. At least one time.

  Before I could commit to my quitting story, Daisy changed the script. She flipped the tray at me. A full tray of food. Four plates of hot food. Four smaller plates of side dishes. I saw the tray flip up and the food went flying. I quickly moved my hands to block my face, because this was hot food after all. I shut my eyes and braced for impact. Hot and mushy food landed on my arms and face and hair. Plates hit the floor, one shattering, the others bouncing with hard thuds. The tray hit the floor and fell to the side.

  And I stood there, covered in food.

  My mouth slightly open.

  Daisy stepped back and put her hands to her mouth. “Sienna! Are you okay? I didn’t even see you there! Speak up next time!”

  That’s when people started to come and check out the noise. If someone dropped a glass or a plate and it broke, we’d all yell ANOTHER DOWN! and laugh it off. But this noise… an entire tray of food falling… that was a bigger deal. I looked around and saw the expressions on their faces. They knew exactly what had happened. When you messed with Daisy, she always won. And I wasn’t even messing with her. I was simply trying to do my job.

  “I opened the door and crashed right into her,” Daisy said. “Poor thing. She’s covered in food. She looks even more hideous now.”

  Even more…?

  “Here, let me get you a towel, doll,” said Mark, the head chef.

  “No,” Daisy barked. “Mark, get back to work. All of you get back to work. Sienna is a big girl. She can fend for herself. She’s going to wipe up the floor here and then go home. Her shift is over.”

  “What?” I asked. “I’m fine.”

  “You’re covered in a spaghetti sauce,” she said.

  I felt someone poke my shoulder. I turned my head and saw Phil, the dishwasher. He was a tall and skinny guy, young with black glasses on his face. He had wiped a fingertip full of sauce off me and he stuck his finger into his mouth.

  “Oh, garlic basil,” he said. “That’s the good stuff.”

  “And it’s fucking wasted,” Daisy yelled. “You want to poke Sienna, Phil? You do it after your shift. I’m not running a whorehouse either.”

  My face turned redder than the sauce on my white shirt.

  I stood there like I was in some horror movie. Everyone staring. I knew that half the bitches that worked there were already laughing. The others knew to keep their mouths shut because of the wrath of Daisy.

  Daisy turned and put her hand to the door. She looked over her shoulder with her fat chins pressed together like she was an ice cream cone melting in the summer heat. She smirked and called out, “REFIRE!” and left the kitchen.

  Yeah, no shit, we need a refire. You dumped an entire tray of fresh food.

  “Hey, don’t sweat it,” Phil said.

  “Sweat it? I’m smothered in it.”

  “Why don’t you clean yourself up and I’ll get this mess.”

  “What about Daisy?”

  “Fuck her,” he said. “What’s she going to do to me? Spray me with water? I don’t need this job. She comes near me and I’ll throw the strainer at her. All that shit that gets clogged in there and smells like death.”

  “Ew.”

  “Exactly. So go and clean up.”

  “Thanks, Phil,” I said.

  I reached for him and realized just how badly my hand was shaking. I was in some sort of shock over what had happened. My bad day had turned into a bad week and was topped off with this crap of a night.

  “Holy shit, you’re shaking,” Phil said.

  “Yeah. I guess I…”

  “You’re freaking out, Sienna.”

  I licked my lips. My heart was really jittery.

  “Come here for a second. Let’s get some fresh air.”

  Phil was nice enough to walk me to the back of the restaurant and out back. I stood there still covered in food and I took a breath of fresh air.

  “It’s not helping,” I whispered. “I want to…”

  “Here,” he said. “Take this.”

  Phil had something in his hand. The second I saw the little white pill, I swallowed hard. I knew better than to mess with anything like that.

  “What is it?”

  “It’ll help you calm down.”

  “It’s not… like a crazy drug or something?”

  “No. It’s for how you’re feeling right now. I don’t do anything crazy, Sienna. It’ll help you calm down.”

  “Do I take it now?”

  “Yes.”

  “And I can drive?”

  “Should be able to.”

  I took the pill from Phil.

  I studied it.

  “I’m going to go and clean that up,” he said. “You let me know if you need anything.”

  “Thank you.”

  Phil went back into the restaurant. I slipped the pill into my pocket and licked my lips. I slowly unbuttoned my shirt and stripped it off, balled it up, and tossed it right into the dumpster. I was stuck wearing a white spaghetti strap shirt and black pants.

  I snuck back into the restaurant to get my bag and my keys. Phil was working hard cleaning up the floor. The mess Daisy caused. I couldn’t believe that she actually stooped that low to throw an entire tray of food at me.

  I crept back to the backroom area with the cubbies for the staff to put their belongings in. I reached into my pocket and took out the little white pill. I found Phil’s stuff, which was a black hoodie and a black bag. I bit my lip as I went through it, looking for the pill bottle. I found it in the front pouch and studied what it was. Medicine for panic and anxiety. The label was scraped a little, so I didn’t know the dosage. Not that it mattered. I was going to put the pill back and go home.

  When I twisted off the cap and looked into it, it was like a flood of memories hit me.

  A hundred voices, all echoing at once. From my grandmother to my mother. Yeah, my dead mother. Speaking of which, I turned my head and saw the calendar on the wall. Tonight was the night. It was the anniversary of the accident. My mouth went bone dry. I promised myself that I wouldn’t grow up and turn this thing into an event. My grandmother did that for my entire life. She would make such a big deal over it. Crying that she’d lost her daughter. Crying that I’d survived. This strange mix of sadness and happiness, leaving me feeling confused by it all. Never able to process what had happened that night.

  “No,” I whispered.

  The night wasn’t going to win.

  I was going to beat the night.

  I dropped the white pill back into the bottle.

  Then I thought of an idea.

  I knew how to beat the night for real.

  I turned the bottle and dumped a handful of the pills into my hand. I shut the bottle and put it away. I stuffed my pocket full of the pills and
got the hell out of the restaurant. I knew that I’d never go back there. That job was done. Fuck Daisy. Fuck her family. Fuck that place.

  I did feel guilty for taking advantage of Phil.

  But soon I would feel nothing.

  And that’s maybe all I ever wanted.

  To feel and be nothing.

  Chapter Three

  First Day, Try Again

  Kace

  It was our first date. Her name was Kylie and she was pretty, funny, and a painter. So we sort of just meshed together. I’d met her on Monday after we both reached for a rustic cobalt color at the local paint store. I was restoring a bench for an addition on some guy’s house. She was planning on painting one of the walls in her studio apartment. Sometimes it just happened like that. A quick spark, a quick smile, and here we were, walking on the sidewalk at night, chatting it up.

  Our hands bumped together a couple of times before I finally just took hers. We didn’t interlock our fingers though. Too soon on the first date. Although, it wasn’t too soon for me to think about the time to stop and steal a kiss. Then get her to my truck so that I could get her back to my place. Finish up this first date properly, and then decide what the morning would bring.

  “So I quit art school and just did my own thing.”

  “You quit school? Wow.”

  “Yeah. I couldn’t take some of the classes anymore. There was just too much structure for me. You know? Like they wanted their hands in my pockets for stuff I didn’t need. I mean, if you’re going to stick your hand in my pants, at least be cute and buy me a drink first.”

  I laughed. “I know one of those two things have happened with us tonight. What about the other?”

  “I guess we’ll wait and see,” Kylie said with a smile that gave herself away.

  We turned the corner, leaving the well-lit main street behind us. I figured that we could walk to the next block, turn right again, and circle around to the back parking lot of the bar and get to my truck.

  Straight ahead there was a small gathering in the narrow street. Five people standing there, all looking and pointing up. One of them had a cell phone to their ear.

  “What’s happening?” Kylie asked.

  “I don’t know.”

  I took a few steps and looked up. I could see to the top of the building, which wasn’t exactly some big city skyscraper. All of the buildings in this town were three or four stories high. Which meant that whatever was happening up there would be pretty visible.

  And visible it was.

  I did a quick double take, looking down, blinking, looking back up again.

  “Ohmygod,” Kylie said, squeezing my hand tighter. “What is that woman doing?”

  “I don’t know,” I whispered.

  I couldn’t believe my eyes though. There was a woman standing on the very edge of the building, staring down. Slowly stepping to the left, then to the right. But far too close for comfort.

  “Please don’t jump,” someone shouted.

  That’s when the reality hit me.

  Don’t jump?

  I let Kylie’s hand go and started to run.

  “What are you doing?” she called out to me.

  Trust me, being a hero was not my thing. I didn’t rescue cats from trees and I didn’t go running into burning buildings for the hell of it.

  But this was different. And it made no sense why.

  Other than one thing.

  I knew who it was on the top of the building.

  It was the woman from last week.

  The back steps were the fire escape steps. The thin, black metal steps and railing moved with each of my heavy steps. Rocking enough to suggest that they were one step away from breaking away from the wall, and I was going to be the one that fell off the building.

  My heart pounded in my chest.

  I thought about the first time I met her. Swaying side to side near the ledge of the roof at the bar. Listening to music, until I accidentally punched the boombox and sent it flying to its death.

  I didn’t think much of it then, but here she was, doing the same thing a week later.

  What the hell is she thinking? Is she doing this on purpose?

  The thoughts collected and tried to weigh me down as I fought to get to the roof of the building. Maybe I should have just stayed back with Kylie. Held her hand, tried my best to help from the safety of the ground. Let the police or firemen or whomever help this woman out. This wasn’t my job to… save her?

  It didn’t matter though. I was dead set on getting to her and dragging her away from the edge. At the rooftop at the bar, it was one thing. That had a higher ledge that you’d have to really work at to get over. Not this building. The rooftop here was flat.

  I got to the very top and slid my way across from the untrustworthy fire escape and ran right toward where she had been walking. When I got there, she was gone. My heart sank as the momentum of my running pushed me forward, leaving me with no choice but to look over the edge. Down below, there was the same small group of people. And Kylie.

  No sign of the woman though. At least not on the ground, leaving everyone watching a nightmare that they’d never be able to shake.

  I turned, and there she was on another part of the roof.

  Balancing on the edge, swaying to a song that wasn’t playing. Wearing jeans and stepping barefoot along the roof, tempting fate, death, and whatever else she could think of. Including me. Because now I started to get pissed. I spotted a pair of teal flip-flops on the ground and I picked them up.

  I walked toward her, cleared my throat, and said, “You dropped these.”

  She let out a yelp and turned to look at me. “It’s you. Kace.”

  “Yeah. Me. And it’s you. The woman who never gave me her name.”

  “Good,” she said. “Then you won’t have a chance to know me and miss me.”

  “Know you and miss you, darlin’? How about we start with a get you the fuck off this roof situation first?”

  “No,” she said. “I’m staying here. Until it’s time.”

  “Time for what?”

  “To disappear. So nobody can miss me.”

  I swallowed hard. This was getting real and getting deep.

  “Are you up here…”

  I looked around and really started to take this in. She was up here to…

  I stepped toward her. I had no experience in this. No training. No way of knowing if my next step was right or wrong. But I put myself on the edge, facing her. To my left, I had about two inches before it dropped off, and if I fell, I’d kiss the ground with perhaps the last kiss of my life.

  “What are you doing?” she asked.

  “What’s your name?”

  “What?”

  “Your name. I need to know it.”

  “I’m not telling you my name. Leave me alone. I have something to do.”

  “Fine,” I said. “You don’t tell me, I’ll jump first.”

  “What…”

  I turned to face the edge and I swung my left foot out. Believe me, I felt it. My right leg tingled and a nerve pinching feeling went through my body.

  “Are you crazy?” she yelled at me.

  I felt her hand touch me. I moved to the right and threw my hand out to grab the woman. It was a repeat of last time. I jumped back and pulled her far enough away from the edge that I was a little more comfortable. She all but melted into me, stumbling, her hands sloppy, the noises she made even sloppier.

  She was drunk.

  I looked down at her and saw the look in her eyes.

  “Oh, fuck,” I whispered. “You’re high. You’re high and trying to jump off a roof.”

  “I took too much,” she said.

  “Of what?”

  “Stuff.”

  I broke away from her and she collapsed to the ground. She sat there in a heap of a mess. She leaned back and completely missed the nothing behind her and kept going, smashing her head on one of the large air conditioning units. She groaned and fell t
o the side.

  “Shit,” I said.

  I dropped to my knees and slid my hand under her head. “Hey. Look at me. Are you okay?”

  “No,” she whispered.

  “People are watching you. I’m pretty sure they called the police.”

  “Great.”

  “Darlin’, tell me what happened. What did you do?”

  “I survived.”

  “Survived? What does that mean?”

  “I survived,” she whispered again.

  Her eyes started to shut. I put my other hand to her cheek and gently tapped. “No sleepy time yet. Not until you tell me what you took.”

  “Just a couple of little white pills,” she said. “To calm me. That’s all.”

  “Drugs?”

  “No. Prescription.”

  “Where are they? Where’s the bottle?”

  “No bottle. I found… them…”

  She was trying to fade on me.

  I shook her to keep her awake, even if she wasn’t alert. Her eyes fluttered and opened again. She turned a little and reached into her pocket. Out came a little white pill and she held it up. I took the damn thing from the palm of her hand, gritting my teeth. I looked and could guess what it was.

  “How many?” I asked.

  “A few.”

  “A few as in three or a few as in ten?”

  “Just a few… I swear… I had other plans…”

  I glanced at the edge of the roof and it made me swallow hard again.

  I started to play more scenarios out through my head. If and when the police and medics showed up. What was going to happen to her. She’d get taken to the hospital for observation and questioning, that was for sure. And she’d be alone.

  “Darlin’, do you have a phone on you? Is there someone I can call?”

  Her head slowly moved left to right. “Nobody. Not tonight. I survived. Nobody else. I’m so tired right now. My head hurts.”

  “Yeah…” The word trailed as she turned her head. I saw a small smudge of blood from where she hit it. “Shit.”

  I wasn’t sure if it was the right thing to do, but I scooped her up and stood up. She was almost completely limp in my arms. I shook her to keep her eyes opening a little.