by Jody Day
Women. Bailey went out of her way to see that I didn’t have to do anything. This would kill me faster than any heart attack. She pitied me, I could feel it.
I drove up to the inn. Why couldn’t my heart just slow down? No way could I walk all the way to the back of the property to the prayer garden. I rolled down the window and laid my head on the steering wheel. The spicy smell of the dead leaves I’d just driven over filled my senses. “Lord, what’s going on here? Please help me feel better. Even with everyone pitching in, I still feel overwhelmed.” I heard footsteps crunching leaves in the driveway.
“I didn’t mean to interrupt, sorry.” Melissa Murphy stepped up to the truck.
“Hey, what are you doing here?” I opened the truck door and stepped out.
Melissa leaned on the truck. “My day off. Thought I’d explore some old haunts. Your fiancée invited me, remember?” She bent over and scooped up a handful of leaves crunching them and letting them fall to the ground again.
“Does she know you’re here? She’s at the diner.” This could get awkward.
“I didn’t stop there because I saw you driving this way. I just assumed you were coming to see her. I’m surprised you didn’t hear me drive up behind you.”
“Kind of preoccupied, I guess.” I took my hat off, scratched my head, and then put it on again. Yep, this was uncomfortable. Knowing it might hurt Bailey was the worst of it.
Melissa’s voice softened. “I couldn’t help but overhear your prayer. I can understand you being overwhelmed.”
“Things should be back to normal by now. I want everything back to normal.” I kicked the ground, sending leaves shooting across the driveway.
“I’m afraid it’s not that simple with a heart attack. You’ve got to give it some time. If you follow the plan, you should be all right. You can make a new normal.” She crossed her arms and looked sideways at me.
“Right, veggie burger normal. I get it. But I’m not doing anything at all. With all this rest, you’d think I’d have gained some strength by now.” I turned around and gripped the window ledge, leaning back.
“Oh, you’ve delegated all right, but you’ve not given up.” Melissa stepped around to face me.
“What do you mean ‘not given up.’ I’m not going to give up, but I am letting everyone help, per orders.” I didn’t intend to sound so sharp.
“I mean you are still overseeing everything in your mind. You can trust your friends and family to stand in for you a bit. Really let it go, Scott. The work will still be here. Why don’t you take some actual time off, and rest up for the wedding? Then you can start back in gradually after your honeymoon.”
And have Bailey look full of pity at me? No, I wanted her to see my strength, my ability to provide and protect her. I slapped the window ledge. Ouch. I jerked it back and rubbed it against my leg.
“Scott, what have you done?” Melissa took my hand in hers. “You could have broken a bone.” She felt around my hand turning it over.
“It’s fine. Ouch!”
She’d squeezed just below my baby finger.
“I don’t think it’s broken, but good grief. Scott, it’s swelling.” She continued to hold my hand.
I tried to pull it away. “It’s fine, I tell you.” Again, I didn’t mean to speak so sharply.
“Hi, Melissa.” Bailey walked up. She spoke to Melissa, but her eyes were on me.
I jerked my hand away. Darn it, just when things seemed OK between us. Fabulous. Of course she’ll be hurt. Who wouldn’t be? Walking up on your fiancé with his hand being examined by his ex. Would she let this stupid little scene set us back?
“Hey, I decided to take you up on your offer. I saw Scott headed this way as I drove in and thought you’d be here too.” She reached for a brief hug.
Bailey responded graciously.
“Your boyfriend just socked his truck like his hand’s made of titanium or something. I think he’s bruised a little muscle.” She pointed to my pinky finger.
“What? Why on earth did you do that?” Bailey picked up my hand and turned it over soothing it with her fingers.
Awkward again. When in doubt, say something funny. “You know me, Bailey. I talk with my hands. I underestimated the distance from my expression to the truck door. Actually, I was demonstrating my super-human strength.” I flexed my muscles like a cartoon character and gave a raucous laugh.
“I’ll forgive you if you’ll eat your healthy food.” She didn’t seem bothered, but she didn’t seem totally at ease either. “Come on inside, Melissa. I’m through for the day and was about to relax. I’ll fix us a cup of hot chocolate.” She headed toward the front porch.
“That’d be great. I haven’t had a day off in a couple of weeks. Dr. Harkin keeps me busy. I don’t think he ever takes a break.” She followed Bailey to the inn steps.
“I’ve got to get back to the diner.” I tipped my hat at the ladies. Right, like I’d have anything to do when I got there. Sticking around here? Not an option. The women stood on the porch and waved as I backed my truck into the street.
I was never so glad to get away. I stopped the truck at the end of the driveway. Should I leave those two women alone together? What did it matter? Didn’t Melissa have a thing for the doc, or the other way around? I wasn’t sure, but Melissa was no threat to Bailey.
Let it go. That’s what Melissa said. How could I? My family legacy, and now my future with Bailey, had everything to do with the businesses. I turned my back for just a few days and they’d turned the diner into a health food cafe. Let it go. What would I do if I didn’t have the responsibility? Besides spending time with Bailey. It took me a second to think. I’d go fishing.
Bingo.
I whipped the cell phone from my pocket and sent her a text. I’m going to Caddo for some fishing. I think I’ll camp out there as well. I’ll see you tomorrow. I love you.
Yes, that would help me relax. I’d haul my canoe onto the back of my truck. No, I’d better not try to lift it. I could hear Toppy and Bailey having a fit over that. I’d rent a boat at the lake and spend the day fishing. But I needed to load up my tent and equipment. A night under the stars, and then fishing all day tomorrow. Business? What business? I’d conquer the lake instead. We could have a fish fry this weekend.
Invigorated by this liberating plan, I put the truck in gear and rolled forward. Bailey flew out of the house. I stopped the truck. She landed breathlessly at the passenger side door as I rolled the window down.
“You’re going fishing?” She opened the door and slid in beside me, eyes wide with excitement. Or rather fear?
“Can’t you read, Beloved? That’s what I said.”
“By yourself? I think it’s wonderful, but alone?” That worried, panicked look paled her face. What would it take to make her admire me again?
“I’ve done it a thousand times. I thought y’all wanted me to get some rest, forget about work for a while. Sheesh, can’t win.” I smirked and then winked, hoping she’d lighten up.
“I know but, well, why don’t you, let’s see. Why don’t you ask Toppy or the Pearson brothers to go with you?” She gripped the steering wheel.
“I’m not a baby or an invalid. I can take care of myself. You’re so intent on running things around here. Why don’t you just do it and leave me alone?” Hadn’t that been what I’d wanted to say for a week now? It didn’t feel good, though. The tears in her eyes pierced me in the heart.
She wouldn’t look at me. Her voice was all choky when she said “OK” and got out of the truck. She slammed the door and didn’t look back.
I opened my mouth to call her back, but stopped. This man planned to fish, and they could just have the run of the place. There’d probably be grass burgers on the menu when I got back. I peeled out and made the sharp left back toward the diner and washout. My heart pounded. I tried not to think about it stopping. Was my face wet? Oh, how manly, I’d yelled at my fiancée and then tears streamed down my face.
I couldn’
t get to the lake fast enough.
11
Two cups of water oscillated in the microwave.
“Why don’t you spend the night?” I opened a container of cookies and set it on the table for Melissa. A little awkward, but I trusted Scott.
“Hmm, sounds tempting.” She took a bite of a cookie and nodded approval. “My apartment’s kind of small. This spacious place is just what I needed this weekend. I haven’t been to the prayer garden in years.”
The microwave dinged.
“Well, feel free to walk up there anytime.” I filled the cups with hot chocolate mix.
“Bailey, you didn’t think anything of walking up on us with me holding Scott’s hand? Seriously, he’d banged it pretty hard, and I’m a nurse. It just comes natural.” She blew ripples across her hot chocolate.
“Not really. He told me there’s nothing between you, and I believe him. I guess I’m having a hard time figuring him out since his heart attack. Really, I was having a little bit of a hard time before that. I think it’s all tied up with the loss of his parents and his outrageous work ethic.”
“I guess I just wonder why he banged it at all. Looked like he was talking pretty passionately as I rounded the corner.”
I set my cup down. Maybe Melissa could give me some answers.
“You know, Scott always thought of me as pretty headstrong. I guess it’s true. I felt he needed someone to talk to so I plunged right in.” Melissa took a sip.
“But why can’t he talk to me? We were so close, and now I feel as if I don’t even know him.” Wasn’t there a box of tissues around here someplace?
“I know. I’ve seen it lots of times with Dr. Harkin’s patients. They kind of go through stages, especially men. First denial, then anger. If it runs its course, the next thing will be fear.”
“But he has such a strong faith. It seems as if he’s not even depending on God anymore.” I rose and yanked some paper towels from the roll on the kitchen counter. I tossed the roll onto the middle of the table. Shouldn’t I be more understanding? I’d let distance grow between myself and the Lord in the recent past. I’d found my way back with Scott’s help.
“Even men of faith go through the same thing when their body betrays them with something like a heart attack. In fact, doesn’t God always teach us things as we go through trials? Besides the fact that he needs to take better care of himself, he has some serious control issues. I’m not sure if he has a work ethic so much as just an inability to believe anyone else can do it like he can. Quite an ego, really. I bet he’s having a hard time letting people run the businesses for him.”
I nodded. “That’s for sure, and it’s painfully obvious he’s none too grateful. We all feel as if we’re walking on egg shells around him. Well, Nurse Melissa, what should I do?” I pressed a paper towel to my eyes.
“First, we pray. Let it run its course. He’s a smart man. If he knows what’s good for him, and I think he does, he’ll stick with the program.” She reached across the table and patted my hand. “Dr. Harkin’s other male patients always struggle with their ego, as if they are letting people down. I’m sure Scott would rather feel your admiration than your pity, especially now. I know you’re worried, but try to build him up. Focus on his strengths,” Melissa said.
“I don’t pity him, I’m just terribly worried. I’ve been advised by Dr. Harkin, my mom, even my lawyer, not to baby him, but it’s so hard not to take up the slack for him.”
“Of course, but to him it seems like pity, and that’s hard on his ego. He still needs to feel like a hero in your eyes.”
“He’s definitely a hero to me. Girl, I could tell you some stories.” I puffed an exasperated breath and then cleared away the remaining traces of tears.
“Good, I can compare your story to the gossip.” Melissa picked up another cookie and then giggled. “Something about a criminal boyfriend and a burned down mansion?”
“OK, but first, tell me about Dr. Harkin.” I crossed my arms and raised an eyebrow at her.
Her smile began to quiver. She reached for a paper towel. “I think we need to go up to the prayer garden. We women have to stick together.”
I grabbed her hand, and we headed out the back door.
~*~
I could barely remember tossing my tent gear into the back of the truck. I drove to the lake like a madman and found myself sitting on my favorite spot, a raised ledge hidden among cypress trees. I didn’t even need a boat here; I just had to cast my line from the shore. My heart sank lower with each cast. How could I have talked to Bailey that way? She was trying to help. Anger rose again, but not at Bailey. Why’d I have to have the stupid heart attack in the first place? Hadn’t I been through enough? First Mom, and then Dad, and then the woman I loved treating me like a child. My mind wandered to a different scenario. The one I’d been avoiding.
What if I’d died?
Toppy would inherit the businesses, but he couldn’t handle them alone. The washout and Mom’s inn would likely be sold. Would Toppy continue to take care of Liz and Tracy, make sure they were OK? My parents had always looked out for them before. Wasn’t that my job now? Would Toppy continue to see about them?
And I just couldn’t bear the thought of leaving Bailey after all she’d been through. She depended on me, or she had, until I got sick.
That entire inner dialog solved nothing, but gave me a heck of a headache. I reeled in my last cast and lay back in the grass, fishing pole beside me. Chilly November winds ruffled the lake water; the sun shimmered behind a cloudy sky.
“Father, I’m out of control. Who was that man barking at Bailey? I’m not like that, You know I’m not. I don’t understand any of this. Why am I so angry? Haven’t I done right by everybody? By You?”
Why was the Father so silent during this awful time?
Whatever. I sat back up, cast again. My line bobbed and I pulled in a nice-sized catfish. I gutted it on the spot. My pup tent went up quickly and then I kindled a fire. I fried the fish in my small cast iron skillet. It would have tasted better with a soda or something, but I was restricted to mostly water. Still, the food calmed me.
“There you are. Thought I’d find you here.” Toppy walked out of the woods and dropped his backpack on the ground. He squatted across the fire from me.
“She sent a babysitter?” I drained my water bottle and pitched it into the back of my truck with a whack.
Toppy put a hand up. “Hold your horses, now. She has a right to be worried. In all the years I’ve known you, I’ve never heard you talk to anyone the way Bailey described your rant toward her. I’m surprised at you, boy.” He picked up a stick and tossed it into the lake, but he kept looking at me.
“She’s treating me like a baby. I want it back the way it was. She used to need me, now she acts like my mother or something. I can’t take it. All of you are treating me that way.” I picked up a stray rock and chunked it into the fire, sending sparks flying.
“Listen, man, she loves you. She does need you, but she needs you well. I think she’s afraid you’re going to die. She hasn’t said it, but I can see it in her eyes. The rest of us are just trying to help you get some rest.”
Bailey is afraid. I knew that. Look at what she’d already lost. She entered adulthood with her self-esteem completely destroyed at the hands of her father. Her ex-fiancé burned her inheritance to the ground. What if I did die? How could I do that to her?
“Do you hear me, Scott? I think you need to see someone, a counselor or something. Call Pastor Weatherby. Your health isn’t the only thing suffering now.” Toppy picked up another stick and skewered a piece of fish. He popped it into his mouth.
“I hear you.” I knew he’d said something, but I didn’t really hear it. I could only hear one thought in my head--I’d have to break it off with Bailey. It made me sick, but it was the only way. It would hurt her, but not as bad as if I married her and then died a few weeks later. My throat tightened and my chest heaved. Was I suffocating? My heart broke as
I realized what I’d have to do. I tried to hide my shortness of breath.
“We’re all on your side, son; we just want to help.” He stood and took a step toward me.
“Thanks, but I can take care of myself.” I poured another water bottle over the fire. “Go on home, Uncle Toppy. I’ll be back in tomorrow.”
“What do you want me to tell Bailey?” He bent over and grabbed his backpack.
“Tell her I’m fine.” I couldn’t even look at him. My Dad would have been so ashamed of me, growling at Toppy, but I seemed powerless to control it.
Toppy reached into his backpack and pulled out a small paper sack. He tossed it at my feet.
“What’s this?” I picked it up.
“Your medicine.” Toppy walked out of the campsite without another word.
The momentary shock of my oversight coursed through my veins, and then resignation deflated my anger. Of course they felt sorry for me. I couldn’t even remember to take my medicine. The pill bottle felt hot in my hand. I took the pills dry, and then kicked dirt over the remaining embers of the fire.
Once inside my tent, I curled up in a corner. Had I ever seen my father cry? Maybe I should just let it come and get it over with. I’d lost Bailey. No way around it. The tears wouldn’t come. I pounded the ground with both fists, sending shooting pain up the hand I’d already bruised.
Why had God turned His back on me?
~*~
The next morning I packed up my gear and headed back to town. I’d barely slept in that tent. It might still be warm in November in East Texas, but one could count on a cool night. I’d slept for a few moments, and then woken up shivering from cold, or hurt, or just plain fear. I didn’t know which. My head ached with what I had to do.