by R. Cayden
We hit the road back to Kentucky early the next day, cruising down the highway with the windows cracked and the radio on. It was noisy enough that I didn’t have to make excuses for my mood. Instead, Shawn curled up next to me, dozing while I drove with my thoughts.
A part of me was already slipping into old habits. If that was what everyone thought of me in the metal scene, then fuck it. I didn’t need anyone else, and I knew how to take care of myself. I could just as easily leave the music scene behind and be on my way.
I’d learned better than to rely on other people a long time ago, anyway. They could always turn on you, just like that.
I shook my head sadly as I steered the truck around another mountain bend, rocky cliffs stretching through the forest in the distance. At least ditching me seemed to be good luck for other people. My parents had their careers take off after I graduated, Twice Shattered was hitting it big, and Monica seemed as happy as she had ever been. Maybe it really was better for everyone if I stuck to myself.
I glanced at Shawn. His head was rolled back against the seat, and his feet were folded underneath him. He looked peaceful and satisfied, and something deep inside of me reached out toward him.
Fuck, I had been so full of myself before the show, so cocky that everything was going my way. But then I had run away like a coward, hiding all my shameful secrets from Shawn. I was embarrassed about the whole thing, worried that I’d look like some loser without a plan, and right while he was finishing graduate school and writing a book and fielding these job offers.
I’d even hurt Shawn, I realized later. Back at the hotel, he let slip a little that he was disappointed to have missed meeting the band. I could tell he didn’t mean for me to notice, and it killed me to stand there, knowing I wasn’t strong enough to treat him the way he needed to be treated. I should have brought him up there with me, and treated him like…
A boyfriend? We hadn’t talked about that, but friend didn’t seem like the right word. We were so much closer than I was with my friends.
Suddenly, tears bit at the corners of my eyes. I cleared my throat, then fiddled with the radio. “Pull it together,” I whispered under my breath.
The summer was stretching on, and soon enough, the studio remodel would be finished. If I was only going to have a little more time left with Shawn, I needed to enjoy it. I might not be good enough for him in the long run—hell, he’d probably go on to major success the second we parted ways, just like everyone else. But I damn well was going to do what I could to make him happy those last few weeks.
If I could only claw myself out of the hole I was slipping into first.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Shawn
After we returned from Atlanta, a few days passed in a fog. Summer storms crashed through the sky every night, and during the afternoons, Cass and I kept to ourselves more than usual. Something had shifted, but I didn’t know if it was me or him. I’d shriveled up when I saw that woman flirting with him. Maybe she had done something to Cass, too, and pulled him back to who he really was?
He was just as kind as ever. He still asked me about my day and joined me to make dinner. But hurt played across his eyes, clouding the light I was used to. And even though I could make him smile when I acted flirty, trying to do that suddenly felt like trying to contort myself into a knot.
He still touched me. Thank god he still touched me. His hands traced my side, and he pressed his forehead against mine before we kissed and said goodnight. But we hadn’t hooked up since Atlanta, and every day was seeming longer than the last.
Audrey helped me remember that not hooking up for a few days was probably healthy. It didn’t mean anything was wrong, and there were all kinds of reasons a person might not want to have sex. But the truth was, I could feel that something was wrong. Things were different, and I didn’t know how to reach across that distance and find Cass again.
It hurt. Was it because I had fallen in love? I worried that I had opened my heart only to have it torn apart. If you loved someone, you should know how to reach them, but even when Cass was right there in front of me, my heart ached for him like he was gone.
My phone vibrated on the desk, pulling me from my thoughts. I blinked a few times, surprised to see my old professor’s name, then answered quickly. “Dr. Freeman, hello.”
“Shawn, I’m glad I caught you. I’m just at the airport here with a slight delay, and I’ve finished reading those chapters you sent me. They’re quite good.”
I stood up and pushed the chair back. “Oh?” I said, struggling to steady my voice.
“Beautiful writing, a clear tour through the scientific concepts, lots of personality. I’m glad you shared it with me.”
“Thank you so much, Dr. Freeman.” I was suddenly beaming and walking in a circle while we talked. “That means a lot, especially coming from you.”
Something beeped in the background of her call. “Yes, I’ll email you a couple thoughts. That’s not why I’m calling, though.”
I stopped pacing. “Oh?”
“The job. Would you like my recommendation? Otherwise, I’m going to pass it on to one of our adjuncts this week.”
My heart thudded in my chest. I had been putting off making a firm decision, although I knew the deadline was approaching. When things got weird with Cass, though, I’d lost track of time. “Right, of course,” I said and scratched the back of my head.
There were so many reasons to take the opportunity and so many reasons not to. But all of a sudden, the hope that I could be with Cass seemed so much smaller than before. If I were being honest with myself, I knew that he mattered to my decision. I didn’t want to lose a minute with him, even now. But it would be pathetic if I turned down my dream for a high school crush on a straight guy, especially when I had every reason to doubt myself.
But then, my mind on Cass, I remembered something else. He had been so confident when he told me to turn down the job and just write my book. He had believed in my dream, and now Dr. Freeman had told me she valued it, too.
That was the person I wanted to be. I wanted to believe in myself and in what I wanted, just like he did. Cass had helped to open that up in me, and now, the choice I should make seemed clear.
“I’m going to pass on the job, Dr. Freeman. I really appreciate you offering it to me, and honestly, it makes me a little queasy to say no. But I want to use this time to finish writing my book.”
There was a slight pause. My hands got clammy thinking I might be letting down my mentor after she put herself out there for me. Then, finally, she spoke. “Very good, Shawn. As I said, I’ll email you some notes. Enjoy your afternoon.”
“Thanks, Dr. Freeman,” I answered, and the line went dead.
I let out a long, shaky breath. I couldn’t believe what I had just done, but now that the words had passed my lips, there was no turning back. I jumped up and down and shook my hands for a minute, burning off the energy that zipped around in my brain.
I turned back to my desk. My framed picture of Carl Sagan sat there, staring at me.
“Now or never, Carl,” I said, then took a seat. “Let’s write this thing.”
I didn’t pull my head out of the work and come downstairs until it was dark, right as Cass was arriving from the back. He looked tired, but I figured it was just from a long day working on the studio. We heated up some leftovers and talked about our days like usual, but I didn’t find a chance to mention the decision I’d made.
When I did open my mouth, ready to say something, I faltered instead. I wanted to thank him and tell him how he’d inspired me, but the gulf that had grown between us made that feel wrong.
I thought Cass was just going to head to his room early. I’d heard what sounded like action movies playing from his laptop the night before and imagined he’d go back to that. But as we cleaned up the dishes, I realized something.
Maybe I didn’t have to figure out some new way to reach through to Cass. Maybe all I had to do was to be there with h
im. That’s all he had done for me years ago, after all. He’d just walked the hallways with me while I shuffled along beside him, quiet, and it had made a world of difference.
If what I felt for Cass really was love, I had to believe that could be enough. That I could be enough. I never would have believed that a few months ago, but after spending the summer with him, I could suddenly believe it now.
“Hey,” I said. “The storms have passed, so the stars are out again. I’m going to have a quiet night, I think, and just sit out for a while to watch the sky. But if you want to join me and just, um, sit with me…” I trailed off, then swallowed. “You’re welcome to.”
Cass met my eye. The shadow had settled over his face, but the light was there, too, and his expression lightened as we looked at each other. “Yeah, thanks. Maybe I’ll step out.” He reached out and ran his fingers along the side of my arm, stroking down. “I’m just going to slip into my room for a bit.”
I nodded quickly. “Yeah, sure.”
My chest hurt as he walked away. Even though it was just a small invitation, I felt like I had put myself out there, and every minute we weren’t connected ached.
I scolded myself for pining again. What did I want him to do, fall on his knees and declare his devotion? I’d invited him to watch the stars a million times; it wasn’t a special occasion. And just because I had fallen in love didn’t change the fact that Cass and I were having a summer fling. There had always been an expiration date. It’s what I had signed up for.
I made my way to the side of the house and pulled my telescope from the garage, then one lawn chair and, after significant hesitation, the second. I set them up a couple feet from each other. Was I being hopeful or pathetic? I couldn’t decide. Instead, I found my glass of wine and then fiddled with the telescope until I located the Albireo star system, a blue star and a yellow star. Some astronomers thought they orbited one another, while others argued that they just looked that way from Earth, but either way, they were beautiful.
Done playing with the telescope, my heart still aching for Cass, I returned to the lawn chair. I reclined it back and spent a while watching the sky and sipping my wine as my thoughts traveled over Cass, my book, my career, and every other worry that had been following me for days.
“Hey. You still want company?”
I turned and found him standing there, a beer dangling from his hand. It was too dark to see his face, but just the shadow of him made my heart sing out again.
“Yeah, please,” I said, gesturing to the lawn chair.
Cass walked over and took a seat. I didn’t say anything, but I watched him out of the corner of my eye as he leaned back, staring straight up at the stars. Once I was satisfied drinking him in, I turned my eyes up, too, and we sat that way a while.
Fuck, it felt good to be close, even in this small way. I reached down inside myself and tried to extend every good feeling I had in his direction. Just being together helped me to feel strong, and I hoped it could help him, too.
I offered him my love. Even if I couldn’t find the strength to say it in that moment, I tried to shine the light on him.
Cass cleared his throat, then sat up and pushed his chair a little closer to mine. My breath caught, and before I could think better, I extended my hand, which he took in his. Our fingers laced together, and the warmth of his touch tingled up my arm.
And back under the stars, we sat together, not needing to say a word.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Cass
After sitting out with Shawn under the stars, I finally got a good night’s sleep. The worry that had been wearing me down lifted, and I slipped into a deep, dreamless rest.
The next morning, Shawn and I sat together at the dining room table in comfortable silence while we ate our breakfast. I was shirtless in a loose pair of sweatpants, and Shawn wore an old pair of jogging shorts and a T-shirt, and we both had groggy looks on our faces.
Shawn offered me a soft smile across the table, then poured a little more coffee in my mug, warming it up. And for some reason, in that moment, something unlocked inside of me.
There was no point in moping around all depressed by myself when the one person in the world who really knew how to cheer me up was sitting right there, dipping his toast in his egg yolk.
“I ran into my ex-girlfriend at the show,” I said. “Monica.”
Shawn set his toast down. “Oh?”
I let out a slow puff of breath. “Yeah. She told me that there’s a rumor going around Nashville that I was kicked out of Twice Shattered.” It felt a little embarrassing to tell Shawn that truth, but the second the words were out of my mouth, relief washed over me, too.
“But you weren’t. You left on your own.”
I took a sip from the black coffee. “Doesn’t matter,” I answered. “My reputation is going to be shot around town anyway.”
Shawn pushed his foot under table and rubbed his toes against mine. His socks were soft on my bare feet, and the familiar gesture made me almost smile. “I’m so sorry,” he said. “That sucks. Can you do anything about it?”
I shook my head as I leaned back in the chair. “Probably not.” I almost left it there, frustration bubbling up inside of me again, but when Shawn wiggled his toes, I kept going.
“It sucks,” I admitted. “The scene isn’t that big, and now everyone thinks I’ve lost the beat. It happens, too. Someone you thought was great suddenly turns to shit. It would be one thing if everyone just decided to judge me. They can fuck off, and I wouldn’t care. But it ruins my career. All I want to do is play good music, and now I can’t.”
I let out a shaky breath as anxiety wrenched my shoulder muscles. It was good to say all of that instead of just holding it, but I still felt like I was letting Shawn down somehow. I’d played cool drummer guy all weekend, but now he knew that was just an act.
Shawn pushed his hands across the table, offering them to me. “That doesn’t just suck, Cass. It fucking sucks.”
I snorted a laugh, then took his hands. “It fucking sucks ass,” I agreed.
We both chuckled. I ran thumbs over the backs of Shawn’s fingers, stroking his soft skin. It felt good just to be connected with him again after spending days lost in my own cloud. “You don’t think I’m a loser?” I asked, glancing up.
Shawn squeezed my hand. “Of course not. Cass, I love the way you stay true to yourself. It’s not your fault those rumors are spreading around. Hell, you even inspired me to turn down the job offer and keep writing my book.”
I titled my head to the side. “You turned the job down? Why didn’t you tell me?”
Shawn released my hand. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to let that slip right now. But yeah, I did. Dr. Freeman called me about it, and I thought about you and how you encouraged me to focus on my book, and I decided to keep writing.” He took a sip of his coffee, a shy expression playing on his face. “She told me she liked the chapters I sent along, too.”
I felt myself brightening up with pride. “Shawn, that’s great!” I knew that his writing was good, but someone like his old professor could give Shawn an opinion I couldn’t, and Shawn’s respect for her was obvious. “Congratulations on going for your dream, man.”
He smiled as he rose to his feet. “It’s true, though,” he said, walking around the table to me. “I wouldn’t have done it without you, Cass. I didn’t have the courage, but you’ve helped me find it.” I stood to meet him, and Shawn stopped a few inches away. For a second, the only sound was our breath aligning. “You’re amazing,” he said.
My heart jumped. Shawn was always generous in the way he saw me, like I was a better person in his eyes than I was in reality. I didn’t feel courageous or inspiring right then, but with him holding my eye, I suddenly believed that I could be.
“You’re amazing,” I said. I reached out and stroked the back of his head, and Shawn quivered in response to my touch, the heat between us rising.
It was true. He really was an amazing person.
Smart and kind, gentle and fun. With a laugh that I could hear even when we weren’t together.
And suddenly, it hit me. I was in love with Shawn. All it took was sharing my troubles with him and the hurt feelings started to fade, pushed away by something much more powerful. He made me feel good in a way that no one else ever had. He listened to me, and he understood me, and still, he wanted to stick around.
Damn, did I want to give him the same thing. I wanted to make him just as happy. I wanted to take care of him and build him things and stand by his side while he chased his dreams.
I wanted to love him.
Shawn wrapped his arms around my shoulders. “Cass,” he whispered as he pulled himself close.
I took him into a kiss. I slid my hands down his back and sunk my fingers into his hips while I hitched him closer. Pent-up desire flooded through me, and when he bit down lightly on my bottom lip, it felt so good it nearly knocked me down.
Was this what it was like, to kiss someone I loved? My body seemed to move on its own. Shawn rode up against me as I spun us both and pressed him to the wall. He gasped against my lips, then drew his mouth down until it was warm and wet against my neck.
“Fuck,” I groaned. My hard cock stuck out against sweatpants as Shawn kissed at my neck, each caress jolting pleasure through me.
I wanted to tell him I loved him. I wanted to shout it from the fucking roof, in fact. But I held my words in. That wasn’t something you just blurted out. Instead, I pressed my lips to his ear. “You want to join me in the bedroom?” I whispered.
“Yes,” Shawn answered enthusiastically. “So fucking much.”
I hitched him into the air, and Shawn blurted out a loud, surprised laugh. “What are you doing?”
Grabbing him around the shoulder and underneath the knees, I steadied myself, then brushed my lips across his forehead. “Taking you to your room.”
Shawn laughed the whole way up to his bedroom, his arms squeezed tight around my shoulders. I knew I was acting funny, but I didn’t care. It was like the love I had for him was illuminating me, pulsing out from behind my ribs, and I needed to hold Shawn as I close as I could to that good feeling.