The problem had to be coming from Chason.
Something had changed within his energy, making it stronger and less predictable. He was pushing further into their connection than he ever had before and, in the small places where the edges of their powers didn’t line-up exactly, it created a rift. A gap big enough so that things didn’t feel neat, anymore.
After nearly seven decades of living with this man, their predictable, courteous life was now in chaos. She wasn’t sure how to deal with the new distance between them, on top of everything else.
She just felt alone.
“I’d like to see Kahn.” She needed a familiar face and she wanted to see for herself that he was okay. Maybe her cousin would recognize her. Maybe he could convince Chason that she wasn’t her own evil twin.
Or maybe he’d react just like Chason was.
If Kahn didn’t believe she was really Mara, either, she had no idea what she would do. Chason might still renounce her and kick her out of his House. Then, she’d have no home, at all. No family. Where would she even go? Maybe the Water Phases or Job would let her into their kingdoms. Unless they all thought she was a fake, too. How could she get her life back if everyone she cared about turned their backs on her?
Why was this happening?
She tried so hard to be what everyone wanted. Why was it was never quite enough?
So many panicked, self-pitying thoughts ricocheted through her head that Mara couldn’t even process them all. All she could do was try and get through the next second without crying or screaming.
“You can see Kahn tomorrow.” The words were flat and uncompromising. Her Chason never spoke to her like that. “If you’re still around, we’ll see what he thinks about ‘Mara’s’ apparent resurrection.”
For a heartbeat of time, Mara thought about just jumping to the Light Kingdom, right that second. She didn’t need Chason’s permission to see her cousin. Especially not this new Chason, who was a complete stranger to her. She wanted to go someplace safe and familiar. She wanted someone to hug her and tell her she was okay. That they believed her and knew who she was. She wanted to hide, until the world made sense, again.
Three things stopped her from just leaving:
First off, she needed a shower and to change clothes before she went anywhere. She’d apparently been buried in this outfit, for God’s sake. Mara was trying not to think about that, but it was difficult to ignore the grime.
Secondly, she wasn’t sure what this new Chason would do if she just left. He might yet kick her out of the Magnet Kingdom, but he wouldn’t want her to choose to go on her own. He didn’t seem entirely stable. Mara had never been afraid of Chason and she still wasn’t. He wouldn’t hurt her. She knew that.
But, he might hurt other people and he’d never been a big Kahn fan. She really didn’t want to trigger a violent fight between her Match and her cousin. Chason had always taken such care to control his temper. Now, she wasn’t so sure he’d bother. Being with this Chason felt like being a room with a ticking bomb. Adding Kahn into the mix would just make the bomb nuclear.
And three… Despite or because of everything, she just wanted to be with her Match. Regardless of whether or not he thought he was her Match, she trusted Chason to protect her. In their entire relationship, he’d never been to Light Kingdom, so it didn’t seem likely he’d start now. Even going back to her homeland seemed like a bad idea, if he wasn’t there. This new future world frightened her. She had to get her bearings.
“Fine.” Mara rubbed at her temple and didn’t fight him.
Not fighting was second nature, really. She could get through her inner turmoil on her own. She was used to holding her emotions in and dealing with them alone. Which would obviously come in handy, when everyone she knew disowned her.
“I think I’d like to go to my room, then.” Without waiting for a response, she turned and headed up the stairs. The banister was loose. It moved as she laid her hand on it. Mara gave it testing shake and frowned. “You need to have this fixed this, Chason. Someone could get hurt.”
Chason blinked as if it hadn’t occurred to him that his home was deathtrap. “Of course.” He said instantly and sounded almost like himself. He apparently thought so too, because he shook his head and went back to being a jerk. Following her up the stairs, he gestured to the left. “I kept your room the same.”
Her room was to the right.
Mara shot him a frustrated look and very deliberately turned towards her bedchamber. It was right next to his, connected by an interior door. The Magnet Phases traditionally kept separate bedrooms. So did the Light Phases, actually, only for different reasons.
In the Magnetland it was about genteel propriety.
Back home, it was an issue of trust. Light Phases didn’t let down their guards easily and sleeping in a room with another person left them vulnerable. Even Matches didn’t like to be so exposed with each other. Maybe that was why she’d always had such a hard time with the idea of handing Chason every part of her.
“Honestly, Chason, if I really was an imposter, I think I would have done enough homework to know where I’m supposed to sleep, don’t you? Seems fairly basic. I’m sure I wouldn’t be a dumb spy.”
He looked irritated. “Well, tell me something that’s not basic, then. Something only Mara and I would know.”
“Like what?” At the moment, Mara couldn’t think of a single cute, couple-y secret that they shared.
Chason became quiet, like he couldn’t come up with any, either.
God, that was depressing.
Mara sighed as she reached the top of the stairs. “We met in the rain.” She tried, because it was easier to say something than to let the silence grow. The instinct to not rock the boat kicked in and she tried to smooth over the awkward moment. “In the courtyard downstairs.”
“That wouldn’t be hard for someone else to find out.” Chason muttered.
“No, I guess it wouldn’t.” Mara was exhausted with his attitude. “I’m out of ideas, then.”
It was insulting that her own Match didn’t recognize her. As changed as he was, she still knew that he was really Chason. Why couldn’t he tell it was her? What was wrong with him?
As usual, when Chason hurt her feelings, the small piece of herself that Mara kept separate from him came to the forefront. He was really straining the edges of her patience and she just didn’t have it in her to keep fighting for him to see the truth. With their weakened energy connection, it was even easier to pull back from him.
As if he could feel her metal retreat, Chason instantly moved closer to her.
He’d never sensed her pull away before.
Mara glanced up at him in surprise. Purple eyes bore into her and she had no idea what he might be thinking. Except, she knew that some part of him did know she was really Mara.
He had to. If he wasn’t ninety percent sure, he wouldn’t have allowed her into his home. Chason was in some kind of bizarre shock, or denial, or suspicious haze, but his instincts were telling him that she was real. She could tell from the way he kept trying to reach for her with his powers and his body. His hands hadn’t touched her again, but he was in her personal space bubble and his powers were definitely brushing against hers, trying to connect more deeply.
It made her uneasy. Mara dropped her eyes.
Maybe she was just imagining the change.
“Mara would be able to think of something to tell me.” Chason pressed when she didn’t say anything else.
For some reason, that annoyed her. “Would I?”
“Yes. What about nicknames?”
“What about them?”
“Well, Mara used to call me one.”
“No, I didn’t.” Mara was sure of that. She never even called him “Chase,” the way some of the other Phases did. It had always seemed too informal, somehow. Almost presumptuous. “We never called each other by any nicknames, at all.”
“Yes, you did.” He insisted.
He must be
trying to trick her, again. “If you think that, then you’re remembering it wrong.” Mara reached her bedroom door and found it locked tight. She looked up at him expectantly. “Key?”
He regarded her stubbornly. “What did she used to call me?”
Mara’s temper sparked, the situation pushing her emotions much closer to the surface than usual. “Oh for God’s sake! I’ve had a terrible day and I’m tired. If you don’t think I’m Mara, fine. I’ll leave. I don’t want to stay here, anyway.” She took a step back, prepared to jump to anyplace and not caring what Chason might do in response. “Everything’s changed and I…”
Chason’s hand quickly grabbed her wrist, stopping her. “Of course you don’t want to be here.” He retorted. “You’d much rather be in the Light Kingdom. You always have. That’s the first thing you’ve said that I actually believe comes from Mara. She never wanted to be here. She wanted to be a Light Phase, but you’re not. You always belonged here.”
His mixed pronouns confused her, but she certainly got the gist of that. “Meaning what? I was a bad Match to you because I missed my home?”
“This is your home!” It came out as a roar.
His Magnet powers spiked on the surge of emotion. Crashing out against his will, they shook the entire fortress. Mara could feel the magnetic rock of the castle pulling towards them and it scared her how quickly he could spin out of control. Chason had never been anything but contained and in charge of his energy. He was too powerful to let himself be so volatile.
What was going on with him?
“Let me go.” She wrenched against his hold. “Right now.”
His mouth parted like he was even more shocked by the outburst than she was. “I’m sorry.” He released her. “I shouldn’t have… I just didn’t want you to go and…”
“What’s happened to you?” Mara interrupted. “You’ve never shouted at me before. You never lost control of your powers. Why are you acting this way?”
“I…” He trailed off and stared down at her helplessly. “I’m no longer myself.” He finally whispered, looking appalled. “Forgive me.”
Mara suddenly saw her chivalrous Match inside of this grim specter. Buried deep, but still there. It made her feel grounded, again. “Of course.” She would have forgiven him anything. “I’m sorry I lost my temper with you, too.”
Only she… wasn’t.
She should have been. Seconds after losing her patience with Chason, she inevitably felt terrible. Her Match was such a good person. Such an honorable man. He did the best he could for so many people. It was unfair to expect even more from him. But right now, Mara didn’t care about being fair. She cared about figuring out how to rebuild her life.
And about taking a shower.
Chason hesitated for a moment and then he moved forward to unlock the door for her. “Mara called me ‘darling.’” He reported quietly.
“I did? When?”
“On our first anniversary. I got her the record player as a gift and she said, ‘Darling, thank you.’”
Mara thought about that. She’d been overwhelmed with the present… and that he’d remembered their anniversary. It was possible that she had called him ‘darling,’ that day. Ordinarily, she never would have, because they just didn’t have that sort of Match. But, it had been early in their relationship and she’d been so much younger, then.
Still, saying it once, didn’t really count as a nickname. At least, not in her mind. Why would he even recall such a small thing? “I’m sure you’re right, I just honestly don’t remember.”
His jaw tightened. “It wasn’t important.”
Only it apparently had been to him. She could hear it in his voice.
Mara felt a stab of guilt. “I do remember getting the Victrola. You gave me stacks of records to go with it and I played them all night. Big Band music, mostly. Your father was so annoyed.”
He pushed open the door. “My father was always annoyed.”
Mara might have responded to that, but she was too busy gaping at her bedroom. The rest of the fortress had been decimated, but this one spot was exactly the same. Everything was clean and cared for. Even the horrible wallpaper remained pristine. It was a time capsule.
Mara stepped inside, moving towards the bed.
She’d died in this room.
It fully hit her, how much had really happened. She’d missed two full years being dead, lost somewhere between life and death, darkness and light. For two years, the world had gone on without her, while she lay there forgotten. It felt like a stranger lived here, now.
“The last thing I remember is a Time Phase giving me this necklace.” Mara reached up to touch it, keeping her eyes on the mattress. “She was the last person I saw.”
Chason’s jaw ticked.
Mara didn’t notice. “Her name was Daphne. She came into my room and I closed my eyes. And, when I opened them, everything was… different.”
Chason didn’t like hearing that. “There’s no such person as Daphne, of the Time House. I would’ve heard of her.”
“She must not be born yet, then. She said she was from the future.”
“And she killed herself to travel back in time and give you an ugly necklace?”
Mara shook her head. “Daphne said time jumping wouldn’t kill her.”
“It kills all Time Phases who try it. Every child knows that. It’s why they aren’t all selling us stock tips.”
She shot him a glare. “I thought I knew that, too. Until yesterday, when I saw Daphne time jump and not die.”
“Yesterday? According to your previous story, that happened two years ago.”
“Maybe from your perspective. From my perspective, this is all like a Washington Irving story. Daphne was in this room with me yesterday, only now two years have passed.” Mara rubbed her arms, aware of a chill. “Look, I’m sure how she did it. I just know what happened. But since I was here and you weren’t, I think I should be the judge of what I saw.”
“Or you’re lying.”
“You didn’t used to be this suspicious.”
“I didn’t have to be, did I? The world’s a different fucking place, since Mara died.”
“Don’t you swear at me, Chason!” Being upset was one thing, but Mara refused to tolerate rudeness. “I put up with it from Kahn, but you know better. Now, obviously, you’re going through something. And I’m sorry about that. I’m sorry if all this has inconvenienced you.”
His eyes narrowed. “Inconvenienced me?” He echoed softly.
“Yes.” She let out a shaky breath. “You’re upset. Obviously. But, try to look at this from my point of view. I went to sleep and woke-up in a disaster film. If you’re not sure who I am, imagine how hard it is for me to adjust to you. You’re swearing and shouting and I think you’ve been drinking. You don’t even look like you, anymore. When’s the last time you ate?”
Silence. “I don’t know.” He finally admitted.
“Well, you’re too thin.” He’d probably lost forty pounds since the Fall and he’d never been a heavy man. His clothes hung off of him. “You look terrible, Chason.”
“I know. And you look exactly the same.”
She nearly rolled her eyes at that. “Since I was dying of the plague the last time you saw me, I hope I look at least marginally better. I know I smelled better.”
Chason never really appreciated her occasionally morbid sense of humor. He glanced away. “You always look beautiful.”
Mara nearly smiled at that. “Thank you.” He was so rarely open with compliments that… Wait. She glanced towards the bed, remembering the final moments they’d spent together before she died. “You’re the only light in my world.” She repeated from memory.
His head snapped around. “What?” It was barely a sound.
“You’re the only light in my world.” Those were the final words he’d said to her. She met his eyes. “Who else but me would know you said that?”
Chason’s lips parted. Something desperate and wil
d flashed in his purple gaze. Something not sane. “What’s the last thing you said to me?” He demanded, prowling into the room.
It took everything in her not to back-up. “I called your name and asked you not to go.”
“And before that?”
Mara tried to think. That period was so clouded with pain and delirium that, honestly, she didn’t want to relive it. “Umm… I told you that I wished we could have been happier.”
Chason squeezed his eyes shut.
“And that I love you, Chason. Forever and then some.”
“Oh God.” It came out on a shudder. The heels of his palms pressed into his eye sockets and he gave an off kilter, slightly crazed laugh. “It’s finally happened. I knew it. I’m finally insane.” When he looked at her, again, his gaze was swimming with longing and something close to madness. “Christ, I don’t even care.” He stalked closer to her, only to stop when she unconsciously retreated a step.
“You’re not insane.” But, he was doing a pretty good imitation of it. She’d been wrong earlier. Apparently, Chason could frighten her. Mara didn’t know what to make of his careening emotions and instability. “I’m real, not a ghost or some figment of your imagination. I promise you I’m really here.”
“Prove it.”
Mara frowned and then moved towards the bed. “Did you change this mattress after I died?”
“No.”
“Great. And I get to sleep on it. That’s not creepy, at all.” Mara reached under the pillow and extracted her favorite notebook. She always had it with her. One of the final things she’d done before she died was to write that list of her unfilled dreams.
Chason’s eyes widened in something like amazement.
Mara had no idea why. Most of the notebook was just filled with word puzzles and random scribbling that no one else could ever hope to understand. She liked playing with codes and languages.
Tharsis, of the Water House had once tried to hire her as a translator for the university, but Chason’s father wouldn’t hear of such a thing. The Magnet Queen didn’t work at anything except being the Magnet Queen.
Queen of the Magnetland (The Elemental Phases Book 5) Page 7